January 30, 2007

Interview with the Elusive Suri Cruise




This is part of my new "Interview with Celebrities" series and I am proud and thrilled for the popular "It" baby of the moment, Suri Cruise, daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, to be my first subject. This is Miss Cruise's first interview.

PS: Hi Suri, thanks for taking the time out of your day to talk with me.
SC: You're welcome. I did want to address some of the more unrealistic rumors out there right now. You know those rumors are completely unfounded.
PS: Maybe your mom said it best - - there's a lot of shit out there?
SC: You mean Katie? Please. That's one rumor that I would like to address and put to rest. Hands-on mother, my ass.
PS: Really? So you're disputing the statements made by Leah Remini, Will and Jada Smith, and others that she's a hands-on mother?
SC: Absolutely. Yes, I am. I haven't seen Katie since the cruise.
PS: The cruise? Are you referring to your parents' honeymoon in the Maldives?
SC: (laughing) Oh, yeah. The honeymoon. And my parents! Good one. In all seriousness though, I guess I would have a better chance of seeing Katie if I had a Barney's credit card.
PS: That's very sad. Your mom does like to shop though.
SC: Bitch likes to shop for herself. If you could see me now . . . I've outgrown nearly all my dresses and pants. I guess Katie's Scientology minder forgot to remind her that I need 12 month old clothes, and not 6 to 9 months.
PS: Twelve months? Do you care to comment on your offical birthdate of April 18?
SC: Not really. I'm sure you know that 18 is very special to Tom and Katie. It's easy for them to remember.
PS: Understandable. But if you're 12 months old now, that would mean you were born last January or February and not in April?
SC: What's the big deal, really? What's a couple of months? Besides, my real dad doesn't exactly want the world to know that he tapped Katie. Can you blame him?
PS: I guess not. So, have you met your dad?
SC: No, and I don't really care to comment on that. I'm sure you can understand how sensitive this subject is for me.
PS: Certainly. So, tell me. What do you like to do, Suri?
SC: I enjoy a good book. Right now, I am reading Goodnight Moon. I have a book list that I am compiling for this coming summer. I'd like to mix it up a bit, add some Dr. Seuss, maybe some Shel Silverstein. I would really like to study the classics as well. Tom would like me to read Dianetics, but that just seems so boring! I'd really like to get outside and check out that bright orb that I've read about. What do you call it?
PS: You mean the sun?
SC: That's it!
PS: I know our readers would really like to know if you get outside. Can you answer that question?
SC: You saw me in Italy, right? Notice how pale my skin is? That should answer your question right there. I spend about eight hours a day in an intense course of Scientology, in a classroom in Tom's compound.
PS: Eight hours? Isn't that a bit intense?
SC: We get diaper breaks, you know. It's not that neanderthal. But I'd really like to be able to go outside, play in a park. Maybe hang with some kids my age.
PS: Good point. Do you have any friends, Suri?
SC: I do have Bella and Connor. Thank goodness! I was hoping to be chums with Posh's boys, but I think she's been placed on the Suppressive Persons list. Which is too bad, really.
PS: What about Brooke Shields?
SC: Brooke who? If you're referring to those dumbass comments Tom made, I really think I should avoid going there. I mean, the man is agreeing to raise me as his for the next eighteen years!
PS: How about Leah Remini? Doesn't she have a daughter just a bit older than you?
SC: That poor kid? Oh no, I don't mix with her. She spends most of her time, outside of her naps, in study. It's not her fault, really. She seems like a very sweet little girl. She can't help it if she's so . . . unattractive. . . that her own mother will even publicly admit it. Poor thing.
PS: Speaking of which, what do you think of all the fuss surrounding your appearance?
SC: I don't get it. I have blue eyes. I have dark hair. Big deal. What's so amazing about that? I will say this though. I don't appreciate Tom and Katie and that nitwit from Vanity Fair airbrushing my photos. For God's sake, they made me look Asian! No surprise that there would be talk about who my real dad is, or comments about how I looked at the wedding.
PS: So you're admitting that your Vanity Fair pictures were doctored?
SC: Absolutely. Have you ever seen a baby without a belly button?
PS: No, I can't say I have. Or with such an even skin tone.
SC: Exactly. Exactly my point. I had some baby acne, but that is nothing to be ashamed of. I hope that other babies realize that too.
PS: What are your plans for the future, Suri?
SC: I'd like to learn how to ride the tricycle that Tom and Katie bought me last year. It just sits in my room and I hate that kind of waste. Getting into big girl panties is one of my New Year's resolutions.
PS: Any plans for a little brother or sister for you this year?
SC: Please. Do you honestly think I would know that? That's between Tom, Katie, Uncle David (Miscaivage) and Tom's PR people. I would imagine you would have to read the contract between Tom and Katie to know for sure.
PS: Any last thoughts before we sign off?
SC: I do appreciate everyone's support and good thoughts. Along with Sean Preston Federline and J.J. Federline, I am forming the Children of Stars Support Group, so please keep your eye out for that. We may have all the material necessities in life, but believe me, people, we need help. I hope to have the group formed this year.
PS: Sounds promising.
SC: I like to give back. It can't all be shoes and shopping. Not for everybody, that is.
PS: Suri, thank you for taking the time to talk to us. We appreciate it.
SC: Thank you. I'm sorry to cut this short, but my fifteen minutes of phone time is up and it's back to my studies.

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