January 25, 2007

Parle Vouz Francaise, Kate-Bot?

For the second time in less than six months, the Kate-Bot took to the friendly skies to jump across the pond to gay Paree, leaving Los Angeles minus one gay man’s beard but raising the populace’s IQ in the process. Besides wanting to escape the confines of being cloistered in the Cruise compound with the Tiny Terror himself, ostensibly the Kate-Bot was attending Fashion Week. The 70-year-old socialite look must be in this season because Kate-Bot would have done Mrs. Astor proud in a high-necked black velvet getup, a shimmering white wrap confection, red, red lips and a longer-than-life-itself glimpse of her legs and inner thighs bedecked in Spanx. Yes, Spanx. What’s more disturbing?
A view of Kate-Bot anatomy even Tiny hasn't seen
That a 28 year-old woman is wearing Spanx, or that this is probably what Tiny Tom has been using to corral in that "Cut"-induced belly that he's been sporting the last few months? The Kate-Bot has got to be the oldest looking 28 year-old around, outside of a Waffle House. I can imagine that living with a fading, soon to be over-the-hill diminutive action star with a serious diva complex is stressful and just more than a bit taxing, but damn, girl! Lay off the Scientology-endorsed niacin and get yourself to a day spa for a facial, a massage by someone named Sven and maybe a little tanning action!
But back to serious subjects. Kate-Bot is a first time mother. Her child isn’t even a year old (provided that official April 18 birthdate is correct) and this is her second Parisian trip in under six months. Without the fruit of Tiny Tom’s loins. How many first-time mothers leave their child for one night in the first year, much less a week or two? And to go shopping? Because, Xenu knows, there aren’t enough stores in L.A.
But let’s just assume that there aren’t enough stores in L.A. for argument’s sake. Why not take her “glorious girl” with her? It’s not like this “hands-on mom” wouldn’t have a whole army of handlers at the Scientology-ready to assist her with such menial and unamazing tasks as diaper changing and feeding. Is she not trusted with her own child? Or, better yet, does she have little to no relationship with her own daughter, and these shopping ventures are a form of compensation?
These books have pictures, right?
And for the record, seeing the Kate-Bot wander aimlessly in a bookstore does not make her appear smarter. The only way she's going to appear smarter is to lose the 5'7" dead weight that she's allegedly legally bound to. Anywho - as a serious bookworm myself, I can assure you that no devoted reader worth his or her Steinbeck would dare to browse around a bookstore wearing dark sunglasses. Tiny's peeps need to reprogram the boss's Bot so that she remembers to take off the sunglasses inside. We all know who she is, she's not going incognito, and we all all know that there is no life behind those eyes, other than the glazed over look of Scientology, along with a glimmer of dollar signs.
As far as the current rumor circulating that Kate-Bot has had her nose done . . . or that the current Paris Kate-Bot is a decoy, much like the Suri-decoys Tiny Tom stated he kept in stock at the Cruise Compound, I don’t think so. I think this is the same old boring, bland, materialistic, opportunistic, blank slate of a Kate-Bot that Tiny has been accessorizing with for the last two years. Sure, she looks different. She’s now a child-bearing woman (insert snicker here). She’s been a part of the Cruise Machine for nearly two years. Rather than acting only when on set, she has been acting 24/7. She’s had her body pumped full of niacin and her few brain cells sucked out by L. Ron’s peeps. She’s abandoned her former friends and any glint of freedom she ever had. She’s even abandoned her small screen career, so that she cannot possibly overshine the massive ego of the little man that’s paying her shopping bills. In return she gets unlimited mileage at Barney’s, a wardrobe more fitting Joan Rivers and tremendous name recognition. And isn’t recognition (i.e., fame), even for a true wanna-be like the Kate-Bot, really what it’s all about?
Famously infamous, soon to be older than Tiny Tom

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