February 1, 2007

Holmes/Cruise Camp in Lock and Load Mode

Hot on the heels of the "amazing" news that the Kate-Bot has "elected" not to reprise her dull and painfully bland role of Rachel Dawes in the upcoming Batman flick The Dark Knight comes a photospread in Harpers Bazaar. (And I can't resist an obvious pun - - bazaar/bizarre is right.)
So why is the Kate-Bot chosen as the cover girl? Why is this getting pushed on "Good Morning America"? The Kate-Bot doesn't have a movie coming out; hell, the girl hasn't worked in over two years. She has nothing to promote, at least on the surface.
But if you dig a little deeper, the Kate-Bot is promoting herself. Desperately. Far from electing not to return to an incredibly successful (critically and financially) franchise, I think it's more likely that Mrs. Tiny Pants was told not to return. After all, like all the Batman actors, she signed a contract, giving them two additional films after Batman Begins if they elected to use her. Which they obviously didn't. Not good for your image when you haven't worked in over two years and you are seen as the mute, stupid and disheveled puppet of the Holy Terror himself. What do you do?
First things first. Deny, deny, deny. The Kate-Bot's spokesho claimed that Kate-Bot herself turned down The Dark Knight due to scheduling conflicts with Mad Money - -the $12 mil budgeted flick rumored to be starring Queen Latifah. Besides the obvious - - who would turn down a Batman movie (and rumored $1 to $2 mil salary) for the paltry-in-comparison Money (and the rumored $250,000 payday) - - there are other problems with the official statement. The Dark Knight, by all accounts, begins shooting in March. No start date has been given for Mad Money. Additionally, no one is officially attached to it. Not Queen Latifah, not Diane Keaton and certainly not the Kate-Bot.
Secondly, have the Bot take a field trip to CAA. If nothing else, she can at least look like she's interviewing/auditioning for work. If the general public buys it, it will quiet those pesky bloggers (like yours truly) who think that the Kate-Bot is a spoiled, empty-headed nitwit whose main vocation is to shop.
Thirdly, go the Nicole Kidman route. Kidman is a beautiful mannequin, she wears clothes to perfection and most women like her. Big difference though. Kidman can actually act and has proven so. Ms. Holmes continually comes off either lackluster or as a silly, giggly little girl who is terribly out of her element. Further, the stylish clothes that Kidman models flawlessly end up wearing Mrs. Tiny Pants, rather than the other way around. Holmes looks like a kid playing dress up in mom's (or grandma's, in some cases) closet. Not really the right way to court the bigwigs and producers.

I smell the Wee One's hand in all this. This is master spin. This is damage control. This is image rehab at its finest. The stench of the Wee One's rot has rubbed off on his robotic bride and I don't think even the Jesus of Scientology is going to be able to rehab this mess. Maybe Barney's needs a new salesperson?

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