February 27, 2007

The Post Oscar Show

And now for the ladies that didn't necessarily strut their stuff on the red carpet, but showed up for the after-party:

NAOMI CAMPBELL: Okay, I get that metallic is in for the winter and spring. But could Ms. Campbell not decide between silver and gold? Or long or short? At least she was up for a choke collar on both ensembles because what's an awards party without a choke collar? This lady is a model, right? Yikes. At least she's not beating someone's ass with a phone.

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT: One word. Breasts. J Love brings them out from a long hibernation to accessorize her outfit. Remember back in her Party of Five days when she claimed that getting breasts was like having the best permanent accessory ever? She needs to remember that.

MADONNA: Girlfriend rules. From the amazing hair to the perfect makeup to the awesome dress, Madge owns this party. Definite hit.

GWEN STEFANI: Normally Gwen chooses styles that are funky and fun but work with her look. Not so much this, shall we say, eclectic look. I'm not sure whether she's going for Audrey Hepburn or Swan Lake, but I'm not feeling it.

HAYDEN PANETIERRE: This cheerleader definitely doesn't need saving, she's ruling the fashion world. Normally not a fan of short dresses for anything associated with the Academy Awards, this is The Dress that hits just the right note of elegantly sexy. Only 17, imagine what Hayden will be able to do in ten years. Heroic.

NATALIE PORTMAN: Natalie looks good and this is actually a cute dress. But it just says "movie premiere" or "girls night out" and not "Academy Awards". Another victim of the Short Dress Syndrome.

VICTORIA BECKHAM: Posh is a winner. Lovely, lovely understated dress that perfectly sets off her tanned skin, she keeps her accessories to a minimum to showcase the gown. Great choice.

LIV TYLER: Liv is lovely but she falls victim to the Katie Holmes Syndrome. No, not the psychotic closeted gay man, but the gown without much of a hue. Had this dress been in a bolder color, Liv would have scored a definite hit.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR: I swear, I used to have a shower curtain that looked suspiciously like SM's dress. Again, short dresses normally don't work at the Academy Awards. This one is no exception. It may be comfy but it's much too banal to warrant an after party.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL: She's cute and I admire her taking a fashion risk. But is she going to a Flock of Seagulls concert or the Academy Awards after party?

TYRA BANKS: There's red and then there's red. As much as I like Tyra, this isn't screen siren red as much as it's Singapore Four Floors of Whores red. A bad color choice ruins the whole outfit.

OPRAH WINFREY: Oprah's hair and makeup looks fabulous and she genuinely looks happy to be there. But what is she wearing? Some kind of muu muu? A weird patchwork quilt? You can't tell me that designers wouldn't be clamoring to dress the big O, so what's with shopping at Lane Bryant?

DITA VON TEESE: Dita looks good just by showing up minus Marilyn Manson. She truly has flawless skin and looks as though she's stepped directly out of the 50s. But her dress is blending in with the carpet, never a good thing - - with the exception of the big, poofy flying object that landed on her shoulder.

DIANE KRUGER: Gorgeous color, gorgeous cut to this dress. Simple hair and makeup, she looks perfect.

CAROLYN MURPHY: Another model. And while she doesn't commit as grievous a fashion mistake as Naomi Campbell (who did it twice), the fur stole is definitely un-PC. And while she looks pretty and the yellow is a lovely color, here we go with Short Dress Syndrome again. Just too cas for the red carpet.

TARA REID: First things first, who continues to let her into these parties? That being said, Tara is suprisingly demure and modest. The dress isn't bad, the bodice is a little weird, but the color is nice enough. Her makeup is tasteful and her hair done nicely. All in all, though, I'm still convinced that after this picture was taken she was upside down, funneling beer.

AMY SMART: Whoa, didn't she used to be a blonde? I'm not sure about the dark hair, she looks frighteningly like Kelly Clarkson. The dress, however, is to magnificent. The color is gorgeous and the cut is perfection. Minimal accessories are dead on, although minimal and bland hair is a bit of a miss.

ALI LARTER: She may play a sociopathic hit woman who can cut a man in half with one blow, in one of her personalities on Heroes, but in this incarnation, Ali scores big with this stunning dress. Flattering color, flattering fit, great hair and makeup and I love the shoes.

ELLEN POMPEO: Ummmm . . . did she steal this from a Flamenco dancer with a passion for the Orient? Or did she swipe some old lady's draperies? Yuck.

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