February 6, 2007

TomKat Takes Their Dog and Pony Show to Miami

The Queens of Scientology

Yes, another highly televised sporting event and another appearance by the media hungry power couple who evidently don't get enough publicity.
Was the pint-sized fading star, with his dimming lightbulb wife, in town to comfort victims of the recent storms? Heck, no! They were in town to party it up Superbowl style and debut their matching shiny-fabric outfits.
Seriously, what married adults wear matching, coordinating outfits? The only type of man that I can imagine that would ever go for this would be either a gay one, or one that is ridiculously whipped. And since I think the general consensus is that the Wee One has never seen the lower regions of Queen Katie's anatomy, I'm going for the gay theory.
And while I'm grateful that, for the moment at least, Maverick has abandoned those godawful three piece suits, sweater vests and turtlenecks (what happened in the 70s really should stay in the 70s) it's equally dismaying to be subjected to the eye rot that is Maverick and his Mrs. "freaking" in public. Yeah, that's right. In a rhythmatic display normally reserved for horny, inebriated teenagers, Mr. and Mrs. Cruise showed a serious lack of groove. Disturbing, disturbing, not just for the fact that most married couples hardly simulate sexual grinding in public, much less in front of the 11 year-old child of one party, but for the weird lack of connection between the two. While the Kate-Bot bounces around like a bobblehead doll on crack, her contractually betrothed does a bizarre combination of jerking out of sequence to the music, grinding up against her, putting his hand on her stomach and then patting it in rhythm to the music and making comments in her ear. During which his robo-bride either continues her crazed neck and body spasms or smiles vacantly towards him, while continuing her crazed neck and body spasms. The strangeness of it all is both mindnumbing and yet expected, seeing as how it's coming from the creepiest couple in Hollywood. Despite years of practice in Hollywood, the Wee One and Robo-Bride still can't convincingly act like a couple.
The Crazies get their groove on
And once again, no surprise, Suri was a no show. For those of you keeping count, this is the fourth time in under six months that "hands-on mom" Katie Kate has jetted away from her amazing house and amazing daughter for more than three days. Here's hoping that Suri will be talking soon so that she can remind Katie Kate exactly who she is when her mother returns from all those fashion shows, parties and shopping.
As for the recent debate about whether or not Katie Kate has had cosmetic surgery, I'm no expert. But I will say that this ho is a trainwreck. Who wears a feather boa to a Superbowl party? Did the Wee One brainwash his beleagured bride into thinking she was Norma Desmond? What's next? A turban? She is one hot mess. And she looks at least a decade older. At least she can consider a remake of Sunset Boulevard.

I'm ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...


Hey PS, I can't use emoties here? Ah'ell. I'll live. ;->