March 29, 2007

Bye Bye Sligh

There were ten. Now there are nine. And who would have guessed it weeks ago, but Sanjaya continues to live and Haley continues to hold on.
This week there was no apparent theme on Idol. No, seriously, I think the theme was "Gwen Stefani's Inspirations" since Ms. S. was the guest mentor/coach. As much as I like Ms. S. as a celebrity mom, and think she's super cute and, let me just say, she has the most amazing skin and she looks even better without the red, red, red lipstick, she totally sucked at being a mentor. Nodding your head, smiling or frowning do not count as constructive criticism. What you told the Idol cameraman, after hearing each contestant sing, now that counts as constructive criticism. But after the fact it's about as useful as a pair of Floaties on the Titanic.
So LaKisha got the craptastic first spot, and got her Donna Summer on with "Last Dance". I actually liked her and was happy to finally see and hear her do something besides those tired ballads and torch songs. I knew Sligh was in trouble when he chose a Police song and he was seriously off timing wise with "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic". Ouch. Gina, in my opinion, gave the best performance of the night with a totally awesome version of the Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You". Even Simon gave her five stars and proclaimed it her best performance. Fortunately she only got judged on her voice because her outfit was seriously misguided. Phil also decided to choose the Police (yikes) but turned in a fabulous performance of the classic stalker anthem "Every Breath You Take". Blake chose The Cure, which I loved, but I, sadly, did not love his version of "Love Song". Sigh. I wanted too, very badly. But I did like his 90s-inspired outfit. Haley continued her bid for the most forgettable Top 10 to ever grace the Idol stage with a snooze-inducing version of Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors". Why would she pick this song? She would have done better with "She Bop", a fun bouncy song that probably would have shown Haley off much better. Girlfriend had better step it up if she wants to last past next week. Sanjaya stunned all by appearing as some sort of sexually ambivalent rooster on crack. That faux hawk has been permanently seared on my brain and if I saw Sanjaya walking down the street in that get up, I would run screaming. He attempted "Bathwater" by No Doubt and either the hair scared me so badly that my ears ceased to function, or I have become numb to Sanjaya's singing, or he actually didn't do too badly, but it wasn't a hot mess, on par with his usual performance. Melinda was as great and as awesome and as boring as ever. She chose probably the dullest disco song EVER - - Donna Summer's "Heaven Knows". Heaven knows that Melinda is talented and can run rings around the other Idol contestants, but holy crap, is she boring. Jordin sang "Hey Baby" and although it wasn't her best performance, she deserves props for being the most versatile and attempting to kick it up every week. She is so cute, I really hope she makes the final three, at least. After being tossed in the Bottom Two last week, Chris R. gets the major pimp daddy spot and gets to performance last. I didn't hate him, but I didn't love him either. Another No Doubt song, this time "Don't Speak".
Sligh's exit shouldn't have surprised anyone. His performance was by far the weakest of the night. Haley shared the Bottom Two spot with him, which probably means that next week, she'll be safe and Gina might better watch her back. Hey, it's possible. When Ryan paused on her name, girlfriend seriously looked like she was going to hack up a lung.
Good of the night: Jordin, always. She is cute, she has tons of personality and she's not afraid to try something new. Chris R.,attired in western gear, for the Ford pimpomercial. Hot. Gina, making the perfect song selection, not giving in to that part of her that wants to scream everything, and turning in the best performance of the night.
Bad of the night: Sligh. Disappointing. Haley. Zzzzzz. Sanjaya. No matter how bad, he's not going anywhere.
Next week is Tony Bennett. Who will have a hard time? Obviously, Sanjaya, although it won't matter. I'm thinking too that Gina may falter, and now that we're down to the top 9, no one can afford to have a bad night.

This image will haunt my nightmares

March 23, 2007

Dina Lohan is a Sore on the Ass of Society

What is up with this woman? What is her problem? How big of a leech can she possibly be?

Exhibit A. Harper's Bazaar. Yep, the same mag that put the future ex-wife of Tom Cruise on the cover for absolutely no reason at all, because she has absolutely nothing to promote but her sham marriage to The Wee One, put Hollywood's undisputed Mother of the Year on the cover. Whoa, does this woman have serious delusions of grandeur. She thinks her wild child (to put it extremely lightly) daughter Lilo is comparable to Princess Diana. And she will end up the same as Diana if the media doesn't cool it. Uh, yeah. Dina seems to have forgotten that Lilo craves and courts the press attention like an addict joneses for the junk. Although I do agree that Lilo may be like Diana in one respect - - DEAD if Lilo herself doesn't cool it. Dina also claims she's living the American Dream because, as we all know, every one of us secretly yearns to live vicariously through our children and mooch off them as long as humanly possible, even if it means getting them addicted to coke, heroin, alcohol and sex along the way. Small price to pay for that American Dream. And Dina further shows exactly where Lilo got all those busy, busy brain cells by encouraging her daughter's friendship with the "Bimbo Summit", Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, by and claiming that the frequently panty-less duo are just lost little children, who are still the Trumps of the little world and the American Dream. Huh? Is Dina tapping Lilo's stash? She further insults the collective intelligence of the free reading world by making the unexplainable statement that Paris is a smart girl and she's come really far. Ummm, I wouldn't exactly call someone who doesn't know what the "E" means on the gas gage smart. And she's come really far from what? A homemade sex tape?

Other gems from the excruciatingly egocentric Dina include the fact that she frequently lies about her age, telling gullible folks that she's Lilo's sister; that both she and her daughter are just "so misunderstood"; and that Lilo isn't an alcoholic, despite her vacay in rehab, she's just a 20 year old who "needed to reel it in." (Ignoring the fact, of course, that 20 year olds are underage for drinking).

But the best line, the absolute best ever foot in the mouth was Dina's classic statement that "you know, you can't blame parents for kids." Because, naturally, it's not the parents' fault how the kids turn out. It's the nannies', it's the general public's, it's Hostess for making Twinkies. Bitch, please. Everyone knows you're Lilo's mother, not her sister. You cannot pass for 24 years younger, so give it up. You're not misunderstood. We understand you perfectly well. You have absolutely no problem whoring out your daughter to justify your own aspirations of fame. And your daughter is an alcoholic, no thanks to you. And the legal drinking age is 21, you dumb 'ho. Please do everyone a favor. Cut off all contact with Lilo. Give your remaining, minor children up for adoption. Perhaps Angelina Jolie or Madonna can help out. Have your larynx permanently removed so that we no longer ever have to hear the inanities that come out of your mouth. Move to a deserted, unmapped island so I never have to see your tacky, morale-free 'ho ass again.

Smallville: Clark Gets Angry, Lana Gets Weepy and Lois Returns

Thursday. New Smallville. Thank God they decided to abandon the Clark-Lana soap opera and get back to business with creatures from other planets.
Clark is still smarting over Lana marrying Lex and I have to say that Clark is all the hotness when he's pissed. Much more interesting than moping around or being lovesick over a woman who is stupid enough to be "tricked" into marrying old Lex. Anyhow . . . super sleuth Chloe gets a phone call from Oliver, alerting her to some underground fight club, where internet subscribers decide whether the loser will live or die. Being in the violent, voyeur society we are, the losers pretty much die. Chloe is horrified watching the big brute Titan impale the weaker fighter with his built-in sharpie, while Clark studies the video so intently that I'm sure he's thinking of some kind of way to get Lex into that ring, or pay Titan enough bushels of corn to do some Lex-impaling. Regardless, Chloe makes it her priority number one, since the most depressing wedding of the year is over, to locate the fight club and expose it. Unfortunately, Lois returns from wherever she went and wherever she should have stayed, and as usual, she is in danger of losing her job because she's an idiot. She begs Chloe and Clark to throw her a bone and give her some type of story so that she won't get fired, but Chloe and Clark hustle out of the apartment, conveniently forgetting the printouts on the fight club, which Lois digs out of the trash, because she's an idiot. She oh-so-conveniently recognizes some random number on the wall behind one of the fight pictures and, quite naturally, knows exactly where the fight clubbing is going down. Lois gets that gleam in her eye that tells you that she is going to royally eff up everything Clark and Chloe are so carefully going about doing. Because she's an idiot. Good job, Lois. Is Clark seriously going to end up with this nitwit?
Meanwhile, over at the Luthor mansion, Lex is toasting his glum bride over surviving a week of marriage to him. But don't worry, it's only sparkling cider - - and Lana gives him the cheek rather than her lips to kiss and reminds Lex that they elected not to take a honeymoon because it wouldn't be safe for her to travel, being pregnant and all. Whatever, Lana. You're an idiot. You're allegedly pregnant, not bedridden and contagious. But obviously Lana's idiocy is rubbing off on Lex because he seems okay with all this and even tells her that things will be different and better once the baby is born, after Lana tells Lex that so much has happened and she just needs time. Like, don't you take the time to think it all out before you marry someone? If this isn't the kiss of death for a marriage I don't know what is.
So we leave the most depressing newlyweds on the planet and Lois, who apparently has gone shopping at Trashy Lingerie, is decked out in head to toe red leather and making some excuse about how she needs water for her car and she's a stripper at some establishment down the street. Uh, okay, but that doesn't explain why she's wearing head to toe red leather. Obviously Lois is about as good a liar as she is a reporter because the tough ass security chick catches Lois taking digital photos of the fight club lair (using a flash is probably NOT a good idea, Lois) and a brief fight ensues with Lois improbably beating the security chick's ass. However, her victory is short lived and the manager of this mess puts a gun in her face. Good job, Lois.
On over at Belle Reve, angry Clark confronts the administrator, who also happens to be the fight club manager. Clark demands to be put in the ring and after some convincing (i.e., stopping a bullet that Mr. Belle Reve fires at him with his bare hand), he's on his way to the fight club.
Back over at Lex and Lana's love den, Lex finds Lana writhing on the bathroom floor in pain, she gasps "Something's wrong" (no shit, Sherlock) and then immediately passes out, saving us from any more intelligent gems like "Something's wrong". So Lex, rather than jumping up and grabbing any of a dozen telephones through the house, or his usually ever-present cell phone to call 911, instead weakly yells "Help! I need help! Somebody help!" Good job, Lex.
Meanwhile, Clark arrives at the fight club and Mr. Belle Reve tells him that he will be known as the Man of Steel. Clever. Clark asks to fight Titan, who he thinks has escaped from the Phantom Zone, due to a tattoo he spotted on Titan's arm, but Mr. Belle Reve is all about promotion and thinks Clark had better work his way up. His first opponent? The head to toe in red leather Lois. Of course. How predictable, Smallville.
So Lana wakes up at Smallville General and I'm thinking, thank God, no one's been in the hospital since Lana was last there and how does this place stay in business without Clark's family or friends to check in? And shouldn't Lana have her own reserved room by now? Jesus. So she wakes up and sees Lex talking to some female doctor outside of her room and rather than pushing the button to call the nurse, or wait until Lex is done with his secretive conversation, she gets up and promptly knocks everything off the tables and falls down. Because she's an idiot. Good job, Lana. Lex rushes in, with the unidentified female doctor behind him and all Lana wants to know is about the baby. Lex asks the unidentified female doctor if he and his wife can have a moment, she leaves and Lana should know what's coming. It's never good news when you ask the doctor to leave. So Lex tells Lana that there were complications (yeah, like maybe you were never pregnant?) and Lana cries and cries because they already had the baby's room decorated and all.
So the fight club goes online and Clark tells Lois he's not going to fight her. I'm thinking that Clark is missing a perfectly good opportunity to haul off and knock the everloving crap out of Lois for all the problems she's caused him, but no . . . instead, Lois balls her fist up and attempts to punch Clark to make it look good. Instead, she ends up breaking her fist. Good job, Lois. Clark uses his laser vision to fry the cameras and internet hook up and upon seeing that, Titan recognizes Clark as Kal-El and busts out of his cage. Mr. Belle Reve attempts to tell Titan that he's not scheduled to fight and Titan promptly throws Mr. Belle Reve into a wall and to his death. Ouch. Clark tells Lois to run but, being Lois, and a complete and total idiot, she jumps on Titan's back (like that's going to be effective, the man has a built-in shiv) and is promptly thrown off his back but not unfortunately to her death. She just passes out. Because she's an idiot. However, it does make Clark's job easier. Titan and Clark bust out their fists and their strengths and some serious street fighting. Of course, Clark wins, when Titan is impaled on his own piece, but Titan is at least man enough to say "good fight" before expiring.
Over at the Luthor mansion, Lex is getting a report on what happened at the fight club. (Man, he really does have his hands in everything, doesn't he?) and is given a copy of Titan's autopsy. I want to know how they can do a complete autopsy on Titan, complete with report, only an hour at most after he died and we still don't have autopsy reports on Anne Nicole? Anyway, Lex finds out from the autopsy that Titan was not meteor infected, as everyone had thought, but rather wasn't human. What or who on earth (or elsewhere) could have killed him? Hmmm . . .
So Clark is still pissed, and still working the hotness, but struggling with feeling bad about killing some alien from the Phantom Zone that was insistent on killing him. This is proof right there that Clark isn't human, because if he was he would have been thinking "Bitch deserved to die after trying to jack me up!" But no, Martha convinces Clark that he is human because he feels regret over killing Titan. Blah blah blah. Where is Chloe?
Back at the Luthor digs, Lana is hibernating in the nursery for the baby that never existed. Lex asks what he can do to make her pain go away. Ummmm, maybe not medically trick her into thinking she's pregnant for starters? So Lex makes some stupid comment about how we have to leave some things up to higher powers and I'm thinking is he talking about himself as a higher power? Or Lionel? Lana tells Lex she wants her medical records, because she wants to make sure it wasn't her fault that she lost the baby. He promises to get them for her, then immediately calls the unidentified female doctor to convince her in his Lex-like way that she's never heard of Lana Luthor before, while throwing Lana's medical records into the ever-blazing fire in his study.
So what's going to happen next week? We have no idea. No previews. Thanks, CW.

March 22, 2007

American Idol: The Old Bait and Switch?

The bottom two? Shock and awe as Stephanie gets the boot

Top ten. American Idol. Sanjaya - - still on board. Haley - - still on board. Gina - - still on board (although her look of absolute fright and shock at being grouped with Sanjaya and Haley was priceless). Stephanie has to pack her bags. I don't think that Stephanie had enough game to last to the finale, or even the top three, but she obviously has a good voice. And yet, like Sabrina Sloan before her, Stephanie is given her pink slip before the arguably less talented, but follicularly fabulous Sanjaya; the popstar cute but belt-free Haley; and the pink, punked but missing real pipes Gina. What's really annoying about this week's Idol though? Putting Chris R. with Stephanie as the Bottom Two. Seriously? Does Idol really expect us to believe that Chris R. finished behind Haley, Gina or Phil? Chris R. did have the unenviable second spot to sing, and he did sing a ballad, with full praise from the judges - - so it's possible his fan base thought he would be safe. But in the bottom two? I have no doubt that Sanjaya's crazy hatchet job on The Kinks, combined with the weepiest teen girl in Southern California, garnered plenty of votes, which no doubt made Idol producers happy. Sanjaya may be out of his league, but he's publicity worthy and that tour is about to start! Whatever Fox employee decided to plant the teary girl should get a raise.
Anyhow, overall the British Invasion episode showed that the guys finally brought their game. Chris R., the first guy out, showed a different and more relaxed side to himself and showed off his vocals nicely. Next week, Chris R., you need to get back to your energetic self. Blake, IMO, is obviously going to be the guy to beat. He turned in a contemporary, fun performance of The Zombies' "Time of the Season" but wisely kept the overall melody the same. I agree with Paula - - Blake could release this tomorrow and have a number one hit. Even the geeky plaid pants worked. Go Blake. Chris Sligh gave a wandering through the audience performance of The Zombies' "She's Not There" and while not nearly as good as the original (or even Blake's remake of a fellow Zombies song) he was loads better than his Coldplay-esque reworking of "Endless Love" from last week. However, Sligh continues to strike me as someone who has a bit of a full head so I'm not onboard the 'Fro Patrol. Phil turned in a rocking performance of "Tobacco Road". I don't know the original song so I have nothing to compare it to, but at least Phil put on a performance and saved his butt for another week. Sanjaya committed a musical felony on The Kinks "You Really Got Me" but won hours' worth of votes from the prepubescent crowd by virtue of stepping out of his usual bubblegum pop shoes and going outside of his comfort zone. The weakest performance? Undoubtedly, Sanjaya. He shouted more than sang, and it was really nothing more than a glorified karaoke performance, complete with backup band. Best performance? Must give it to Blake, who has shown that he not only has a decent voice but is an awesome entertainer. Now for the ladies . . .
Haley was first up. The kiss of death for Brandon last week proved a charm for Haley this week. She didn't forget the lyrics to "Tell Him" and as far as song choices went, Haley probably made the best song choice of the night. She didn't try to stretch herself too far and chose a song that was perfect for her bubblegum, Barbie voice. Coming out onstage in skimpy shorts, a brief halter top and heels didn't hurt her voting chances either. Stephanie bored everyone with her rendition of, I don't know, something boring by Shirley Bassey. Sadly, Stephanie is a good singer but she doesn't look like she's having fun up there. Simon got it right - - she's losing herself and aging awful quick. LaKisha, I normally like. Stellar set of pipes. Did not like this one. Bad song choice, IMO. Love the cool mil worth of diamonds though. Sweet. Jordin rocks. She may very well be the dark horse of the competition. She's cute, her personality shines through, she's obviously having a great time on Idol and she's continuing to prove her vocal range with each week. Go Jordin. Gina. Meh. I like her sometimes and sometimes I don't. I love the Stones but I'm not too sure I loved her version of "Paint it Black". I know she's supposed to be the rocker chick and all but it seems a weird choice. I think she might have been better off sticking with more of a ballad from them, or even from The Who. Just my opinion, though. I do like her new choppy haircut. Very edgy. I think she needs to work on her poker face - - she barely held it together when the judges didn't fall in love with her performance. Melinda. Also got a new haircut. Girlfriend can sing. No doubt about that. But I'm getting bored. Can she and LaKisha sing anything other than ballads or torch songs? Can they get pop or fun? Melinda seems to be the shoe-in (and obviously the judges' fave) but her boring personality may go against her and allow darkhorse Jordin to sweep in (go Jordin).
Now we're starting to get into the good stuff. Harder eliminations. True talent versus publicity. When will Sanjaya go home?

March 16, 2007

Smallville Returns, Lana's Idiocy Returns With a Vengeance

Okay, so after a two or three week break, Smallville is back. And what a disappointment. In a nutshell, what was good: Lionel is really evil and he proved it last night; Shelby the dog was returned to his supporting role (this time as a stand-in for Lana, as Clark practiced proposing); and the episode was Lois-free. What was bad: everything else.
Seriously, I cannot remember a more depressing episode. It all takes place the day of the Lex-Lana nuptials and on the day of her wedding, Lana finally realizes that she doesn't want to marry Lex, that she's still in love with Clark. A little late (talk about eleventh hour), seeing as how she's got Lex's ring on her finger and his bun in her oven, but it's about damn time. And Clark realizes that he's still very much in love with Lana, despite the fact that she's been impregnated by his arch-nemesis and she's a complete and utter moron. Of course it takes "rescuing" Chloe from the Luther wine cellar, with Chloe attempting to talk sense into him - - a scene which, we realize later due to flashbacks, that Lana set up and witnessed. Holy cow. So now Lana is in on Clark's secret. So Clark decides to drop by the Luther mansion as everyone does, without invite and without knocking (great security detail, Lex), and tells Lana that he wants to share his secret with her and Lana babbles that she's not going to marry Lex and that she will meet Clark at the barn (the scene of all secret rendezvous in Smallville) at 5 pm, the time she is due to exchange vows with Lex. Clark and Lana hear a "noise", Clark leaves as undetected as he arrives, and Lionel appears on the scene. Turns out that Lionel had a nice fatherly chat with Lex earlier, wherein Lex confessed that he was nothing without Lana, and would do anything to ensure that Lana was at the church on time. Lionel, being the oh-so-caring father that we all know he's not, immediately hurries his on-hiatus evil ass over to the Luther mansion and confronts Lana, in the process swiping a Dear John letter she's penned Lex, because breaking up via a handwritten note is so much nicer than breaking up via Post-It. Lionel tells Lana that he's aware that Lana obviously knows Clark's little secret and threatens to kill Clark if Lana neglects to show up at the church and make an honest woman of herself. And here it comes - - - the trademark, episodic scene of Lana looking shocked, bewildered and utterly confused. In other words, Lana's normal look. Does Lana tell Lionel to kiss her moronic ass? Does she say "You don't scare me, old man!" Does she even pick up her handy cell phone, which she's had in her hand in every other scene of this episode, and call Clark? After all, she just saw him rip off a steel door with his bare hands and use his fire vision to weld it back - - I would thinking kicking the crap of Lionel Luther would be no problem. Nope! She just stands there, shaking and being a big, fat wuss! So Clark is practicing proposing to Lana, using the awesome Shelby, who should be given more air time, as a stand-in. I guess it's not considered bad taste in Smallville to propose to someone on the day they are actually to be married to someone else. Cut to the church, decked out in ghastly pink and purple flowers (guess money does not buy good taste). The church is full of people we have never seen before, and probably never will again. Martha is sitting in a pew, looking a bit nervous. Hi, Martha. Nice dress, but I really wish you would cut your hair back to shoulder length. Meantime, Lex is meeting downstairs in the crypt (for real) with Lana's physician, who is on the Luther payroll. Dr. Dimwit is blackmailing Lex for $2 million; otherwise, he promises to go to Lana with the secret about Lana's pregnancy. Lex looks worried but claims he doesn't give in to blackmail demands. Dr. Dimwit turns to leave, and Lex opens up a can of whup ass on him. Dr. Dimwit falls and smashes the hell out of his head on a crypt - - game over. Lex being Lex, and the fact that he's due to get upstairs and marry stupid Lana, he quickly and easily (riiiiiiight) opens one of the crypts and drops Dr. Dimwit's dead body inside. He washes up in a conveniently located bathroom and gets his jacket on, in time for Chloe to knock on the door and tell him that Lana is MIA. Lex panics and worries that this will be like a Bride magazine nightmare - - stood up at the altar. Notice that Chloe is wearing a tacky dress of pink and purple, her flowers are godawful and Lana can't be a real friend if she expects Chloe to wear that hairstyle. Lex doesn't call anyone, looking for Lana. He doesn't send one of his security goons out to find his intended. He doesn't even use common sense and head over to the Kent farm and search for Clark. He stands at the altar, with the pastor, and with Chloe, and looks worried. The church, full of Smallville citizens who apparently only make an appearance in group scenes, buzzes with the possibility that Lex is being stood up. Cool! Cut back to the barn, where Clark is looking at his watch and getting worried. Clark can get to another country in like two minutes, so why isn't he speeding his ass over to the church? Back to the church, where Lana finally appears . . . no one to walk her down the aisle, not even Chloe proceeds her. She looks far from the radiant bride; she looks like she's about to have a very bad case of diarrhea. Back to Clark and he finally realizes that something isn't right. He grabs his coat, leaves a dejected Shelby behind and zips to the church, just in time to hear Lex say "I do" and the spotlight shifts to Lana. Before she can say "I do", she looks over and sees Clark. Does she say "Hell, no!" when the pastor waits for her answer? Hell, no! She says "I do" but with such a pained look on her face that every single person in that church should have stood up and objected. But no, they are pronounced Mr. and Mrs. Alexander (hee!) Luther, they share an awkward first kiss and walk back down the aisle, with Lana looking as though she can barely hold back tears (and not ones of joy). So in a back room of the church, while Lana is sending hateful glares to herself in a mirror and hopefully wishing death on herself, Lionel bitch slaps Lex and curses him for being so inept that he can't even commit murder properly. Then Lionel officially welcomes Lana to the family, because I guess he should be somewhat polite to her, after threatening to kill her true love if she didn't marry his homicidally inept son, kissing her cheek while Lana tries to keep a look of total revulsion off her face (not too much luck there). Lionel exists, and Lex thoughtfully leaves behind him, so that Clark can come in and ask Lana what happened. Naturally, Lana still neglects to tell Clark the truth and tells Clark she had a change of heart and loves Lex. She says this so fake, so unconvincingly that Clark should just grab her and run - - after all, who's going to catch him? But does he? No. Cut to the happy couple (meaning Lex and his money) leaving the church, with Lana in tow. Lana looks as though Rosemary's Baby is eating his way through her midsection but I don't feel sorry for her. Girlfriend is getting what she deserves for being so stupid. So L & L climb into a black limo-like, but not a limo, car with untinted windows (like Lex would EVER travel that way), and helpfully marked by a customized license plate with "LL". Clark is standing off to the side, and Lex gives him a smug look that says "Ha! I win, beeyatch!" Lana looks out the back window at Clark . . . the car leaves and fade out. Depressing, depressing, depressing. So Clark withheld his secret from Lana to protect her, because he loved her so much. Now Lana is withholding a secret from Clark, to protect him, because she loves him so much. In the process getting herself allegedly knocked up with an evil man's baby (I can only guess the secret Dr. Dimwit was holding was that Lana isn't really pregnant), marrying a man she doesn't love and doesn't trust and subjecting herself to a loveless life. Ah, all in a day's work in Smallville.

March 15, 2007

American Idol: Sanjaya is a Piñata and Melinda is the Favorite

Sanjaya sets himself up for a beating and Brandon says goodbye
Has American Idol always been this obvious and this cruel? Are TPTB tweaking the vote count so they can keep poor little Sanjaya around to constantly put him in the bottom of the barrel, dragging out the suspense, making the audience and the viewers hate him because he is taking the place of an accomplished singer? Why don't they just string him up, hang him from the AI ceiling and let the judges and the audience smack him with a stick and see what falls out? Honestly, what is wrong with these people? The judges do nothing but criticize him, and act offended because Sanjaya isn't getting voted off, but didn't the judges originally give him the pass to come on the show? If he's so horrible, if he's being outsung by the other contestants (which he is), if he consistently turns in a dreadful performance, exactly what does that say about the judges? That maybe they aren't selecting candidates solely on singing ability, but on possible marketability and press for the show?
And can American Idol be any more obvious that they want Melinda to win? I'll admit, girlfriend can sing. Girlfriend can sing hard and well. Out of this group, she probably has the best set of pipes up there - - and the judges never let us forget it. Is it really necessary for Randy, Paula and Simon to nonstop praise her after every single performance? Did Paula really need to cry after Tuesday night's sing? Melinda was good, but enough to make you cry? I guess, if you're on the sauce. And notice that during Diana Ross', I'm sorry, Miss Ross', meetings with the singers, it was only Melinda that gave her goosebumps. Now, I know there's editing going on, and obviously they edited out any advice Miss Ross gave to Melinda, while leaving in the advice she gave out (and quite well) to the others. Very sly, Idol. Notice that during Miss Ross' live performance last night, she walked over to the group of 12 (soon to be 11) and only put her arm around Melinda. Listen, Idol, if you want Melinda to win, just send the other peeps home and declare her the winner. That would be almost as discreet and lowbrow as your episodic praising and pimping of her is. And as much as I like Melinda (I do) and think she's a wonderfully talented singer, is she seriously still all shocked and amazed that people think she's a good singer? Is this modesty act for real, or is it just an act? Stay tuned.
Note to American Idol producers: not cool to cut out Brandon's final sing off. Schedule your time better.
The favorite

March 14, 2007

Heroes - This Close to Dropping the Bomb - Goes on Hiatus

Firstly, I love this show and they just continue throwing curveballs our way. What's not to love when your main characters can fly, heal, time travel, read minds and erase minds, among others. I don't know how I'm going to make it for 6 more weeks without a dose of Heroes. What was NBC thinking with taking a break at such a crucial time? That is my major beef with the show - - and well, maybe a few other things.
As much as I love Ando and Hiro together, the ease with which Ando apparently got his job as security in Linderman's building was stretching it, even for Heroes standards. Surely Linderman hasn't gotten as far in the underhanded business as he has without doing a basic background check. And would Ando really be given the keys to the Linderman office after something like two weeks on the job? I am so relieved that Hiro finally has that damn sword, since he was really turning into a drag without it.
I used to think that Isaac was a promising Hero, but now I'm thinking he may well be one of the characters that Tim Kring was referring to when he said that not everyone would be back for Season 2. He shot Simone and he's back on the junk - - although the rolled back eyes still freaks me out.
The Niki/Jessica storyline has gotten stale. It was interesting at first, but . . . it's getting tiresome seeing Niki whining in a mirror and Jessica proving what a bad ass she is by mouthing off to Niki and bringing on the bitch in general. Micah always claimed that he could tell the difference between his mom and Jessica, so why hasn't he noticed that it's Jessica in the house and not Niki? It's a mystery. And surely D.L. has a good idea what's up . . . and where has his storyline been lately? I think he needs to send Hiro off with his trusty sword to find it and save it.
So Nathan's been working with the Feds? Shifty! And Linderman knows all about Nathan's powers, Peter's powers and the fact that there are others like them? Is Linderman the Big Cheese, the mastermind behind all their powers? Or is he Nathan and Peter's biological father? Did Linderman and Mama Petrelli do the horizontal mambo?
So Peter goes looking for Mohinder, who finally got an inkling that Zane wasn't really Zane but the sociopathic Sylar? Thank God! I think we all knew that Mohinder was making a big ass mistake by not shooting Sylar's crazy ass when he had a chance. Hasn't he watched t.v. or seen movies? Doesn't he know that by waiting to kill the enemy so that you can launch into a melodramatic monologue to explain things to the enemy who really doesn't give a rat's ass anyhow is just giving the enemy time to weasel out of the situation and make your hesitant ass pay? Sheesh. That being said, I do like Mohinder though. He's got a great voice and absolutely beautiful skin and who will narrate next season if he's left nailed to the ceiling?
As soon as Peter showed up at Mohinder's digs and saw the overturned furniture, he should have beat a hasty retreat, or at least gone invisible, but last we saw, Sylar had him pinned to the wall and was busy cutting into his head. The good news in this is that Peter's bangs appear to be gone. I'm not counting him out yet though - - Peter picks up on others' powers so I'm assuming that he can at least match Sylar at his own game (not to mention heal fairly quickly via Claire's powers).
So Mama Petrelli knows all about Claire and she's the one issuing orders to the Haitian that overrule Mr. Bennett? Interesting turn of events. Maybe the Haitian can not only erase memory but fly faster than a 747 since he beat Claire to New York, without a passport or ticket. And what will happen to Mr. Bennett? He's still a bit of a gray character (is he good? is he evil?) but I hope they don't kill him off, or get rid of him - - he provides an interesting balance to the show. And he and Matt Parkman have a great chemistry working together. I knew as soon as the cell phone didn't bark a la Mr. Muggles that the crazy Morphing Woman had taken over as Mrs. Bennett. Where is Mrs. Bennett? Where is Mr. Muggles? Morphing Woman definitely needs to go. She's annoying, she's cocky, she's arrogant - - I think she can out-bitch on wheels Jesus Christ Cruise himself. Send her the way of the Wireless Woman, who seems to have disappeared into thin air. But keep the Bennetts around. Claire is the most interesting Hero and storylines centering around her and her family so far have been the show's best. And for heaven's sake, bring back Mr. Muggles. I think he may be the key to saving the world.

March 13, 2007

Jenny on the Chopping Block?

According to those various, shady "sources", the marriage of Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez is on its shaky, last legs. While the rumblings of marital discord are no real surprise (this, her third marriage, is her longest to date, and we're talking not quite three years here) the rumored source of discord is beyond surprising. It's being said that the couple is squabbling in public due to J. Lo's desire to put career ahead of becoming a childbearing woman and her resistance to sign all the family assets over to the Church of Scientology. I have issues with both rumored reasons. First, J. Lo has long claimed the desire to be a babymama and I think it's laughable that Marc Anthony, with three legitimate children to his credit, would be pushing her to add more Anthonys to the family tree. Seriously, can you imagine what a happy day it is in their household when he's writing those child support checks? Secondly, J. Lo has admitted that her dad is a Scientologist and apparently has been for 20 years. Marc Anthony has always presented himself as a Catholic. Are we to believe that Jesus Christ Cruise's powers of persuasion were so strong during their two or three public outings that MA is going to go MIA in the Catholic Church and start singing his devotion to all things alien and Xenu? Hmmm, I'm thinking not. I think it's far more likely that J. Lo, with her paternal Scientology connection, her supposed best friend, Leah "My fellow Scientologist Tom Cruise's daughter is so much better looking than my fugly daughter" Remini and a career that has lost steam since the colossal Gigli bomb, would be open to the Church of Scientology's promises to resuscitate her life support-aided career and fertilize her pristine eggs.

March 8, 2007

Simon Calls Out the Pink Elephant

There's been a pink elephant on the American Idol stage since the beginning of this season and, for the most part, everyone has looked the other way, danced around the issue. Until last night. Simon finally acknowledged the elephant.
While I will say that Antonella sang better last night than she has during the entire competition thus far, she still sucks ass. She's not a bad singer, as in breaking glass, but she's not a particularly gifted singer. She could do karaoke and maybe sing in her church choir, provided that she has other good singers to muffle out some of her problems.
But last night proved that she is simply way out of her league with the other ladies. She doesn't have the range they do, she doesn't have the pipes and she certainly doesn't have the maturity to accept criticisms with an ounce of class.
Simon has never spoken truer words than telling Antonella that the gig is up, let's get real, she's gone as far as she can honestly expect to go and he doesn't see her voice getting any better. (Go, Simon!) Antonella's expression, once again, was priceless. See her jaw set, see the evil glint in her eyes. She's probably already thinking ahead to telling Daddy that she wants Simon whacked. (Watch out, Simon!)
And what she does say? She doesn't want to be compared to the other singers. Ummm . . . this is a singing competition, right? We're not talking about who sings the blues best, or rock . . . we're talking about who is the best singer. Which you obviously are not. Apparently Miss Antonella has never heard the word "no" in her life (and based on some of the internet photos, hasn't said the word much other, heh) and her "I am so entitled and just as good if not better than anyone else because my daddy told me so" attitude is getting really, really old.
Seriously, people, it's time for the charade to end. Vote this demented ho off Idol so she can give her story to some lame ass grocery store tabloid and then do a spread in Playboy. Because, really, that's all she can hope for.

March 3, 2007

American Idol Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With Talent

A.J. and Nick - The men who depart

Alaina and Leslie - The women who depart

How else to explain the ongoing travesty happening with those phone lines?
I missed the men's performances earlier this week but from the recaps, Nick has a decent voice, but just no exploding personality. So I guess his boot was no surprise. A.J., however, from his recap and his sing-off, showed some serious talent and ability. Did he really deserve to be sent packing before Sanjaya? Obviously Sanjaya didn't think so, he looked absolutely floored to be deemed safe. And I really can't dislike him, because he seems to know that he's out of his league. Unlike some people (ahem, Antonella).
Alaina's boot was a week overdue. I really think she should have been shown the door last week, instead of Amy, who was bland but didn't have a bad voice. Further confirmation of the decision to boot Alaina was her piss-poor attitude. Look, missy, if you want to be a performer, you had better learn to take criticism. Being smarmy and making snarky little remarks to Simon like "nice" or "clever" isn't going to get you anywhere. Back to the deli for you.
Far and away the most ridiculous showing of "talent" continues to be Toilet Photographing, War Memorial Defacing and Disgracing Jersey Girl Antonella. Come on, America. Vote this ho off already so she can go do her Playboy spread or take her role on The Sopranos as a stripper on a pole at Tony's club. Because we all know that's what she's truly destined for. Chick cannot sing. Period. Plain and simple. I don't care so much about the trashy pictures, it shows the girl has a serious lack of common sense and no taste, but isn't American Idol supposed to be about talent? Singing talent? Antonella possesses very little as a singer. Her last two performances have been cringe-inducing audio abuse and she's even been harshly criticized by Randy, Paula and Simon. And yet she's still safe? Who is voting for her? Horny teenage boys? Do they even watch American Idol? All I can figure is that Antonella's mob-looking father is threatening people to vote for his little girl, or she's being kept on because of all the publicity. Either way, it's unfair to the people up there who are talented. Like Leslie. While not my favorite, she can sing and she deserved to stick around longer than Aerosmith-butchering Antonella.
And did anyone catch the look of total shock and surprise when Antonella thought Ryan was going to tell her that her number was up? And the reference to Jennifer Hudson? Unbelievable. She is actually delusional enough to think that she's talented (never mind being anywhere near as talented as Jennifer Hudson) and staying on because of it? Bitch, please. You're riding for free now but eventually you're going to pay the piper and when you do, it will be sweet justice.