March 23, 2007

Dina Lohan is a Sore on the Ass of Society

What is up with this woman? What is her problem? How big of a leech can she possibly be?

Exhibit A. Harper's Bazaar. Yep, the same mag that put the future ex-wife of Tom Cruise on the cover for absolutely no reason at all, because she has absolutely nothing to promote but her sham marriage to The Wee One, put Hollywood's undisputed Mother of the Year on the cover. Whoa, does this woman have serious delusions of grandeur. She thinks her wild child (to put it extremely lightly) daughter Lilo is comparable to Princess Diana. And she will end up the same as Diana if the media doesn't cool it. Uh, yeah. Dina seems to have forgotten that Lilo craves and courts the press attention like an addict joneses for the junk. Although I do agree that Lilo may be like Diana in one respect - - DEAD if Lilo herself doesn't cool it. Dina also claims she's living the American Dream because, as we all know, every one of us secretly yearns to live vicariously through our children and mooch off them as long as humanly possible, even if it means getting them addicted to coke, heroin, alcohol and sex along the way. Small price to pay for that American Dream. And Dina further shows exactly where Lilo got all those busy, busy brain cells by encouraging her daughter's friendship with the "Bimbo Summit", Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, by and claiming that the frequently panty-less duo are just lost little children, who are still the Trumps of the little world and the American Dream. Huh? Is Dina tapping Lilo's stash? She further insults the collective intelligence of the free reading world by making the unexplainable statement that Paris is a smart girl and she's come really far. Ummm, I wouldn't exactly call someone who doesn't know what the "E" means on the gas gage smart. And she's come really far from what? A homemade sex tape?

Other gems from the excruciatingly egocentric Dina include the fact that she frequently lies about her age, telling gullible folks that she's Lilo's sister; that both she and her daughter are just "so misunderstood"; and that Lilo isn't an alcoholic, despite her vacay in rehab, she's just a 20 year old who "needed to reel it in." (Ignoring the fact, of course, that 20 year olds are underage for drinking).

But the best line, the absolute best ever foot in the mouth was Dina's classic statement that "you know, you can't blame parents for kids." Because, naturally, it's not the parents' fault how the kids turn out. It's the nannies', it's the general public's, it's Hostess for making Twinkies. Bitch, please. Everyone knows you're Lilo's mother, not her sister. You cannot pass for 24 years younger, so give it up. You're not misunderstood. We understand you perfectly well. You have absolutely no problem whoring out your daughter to justify your own aspirations of fame. And your daughter is an alcoholic, no thanks to you. And the legal drinking age is 21, you dumb 'ho. Please do everyone a favor. Cut off all contact with Lilo. Give your remaining, minor children up for adoption. Perhaps Angelina Jolie or Madonna can help out. Have your larynx permanently removed so that we no longer ever have to hear the inanities that come out of your mouth. Move to a deserted, unmapped island so I never have to see your tacky, morale-free 'ho ass again.

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