March 23, 2007

Smallville: Clark Gets Angry, Lana Gets Weepy and Lois Returns


Thursday. New Smallville. Thank God they decided to abandon the Clark-Lana soap opera and get back to business with creatures from other planets.
Clark is still smarting over Lana marrying Lex and I have to say that Clark is all the hotness when he's pissed. Much more interesting than moping around or being lovesick over a woman who is stupid enough to be "tricked" into marrying old Lex. Anyhow . . . super sleuth Chloe gets a phone call from Oliver, alerting her to some underground fight club, where internet subscribers decide whether the loser will live or die. Being in the violent, voyeur society we are, the losers pretty much die. Chloe is horrified watching the big brute Titan impale the weaker fighter with his built-in sharpie, while Clark studies the video so intently that I'm sure he's thinking of some kind of way to get Lex into that ring, or pay Titan enough bushels of corn to do some Lex-impaling. Regardless, Chloe makes it her priority number one, since the most depressing wedding of the year is over, to locate the fight club and expose it. Unfortunately, Lois returns from wherever she went and wherever she should have stayed, and as usual, she is in danger of losing her job because she's an idiot. She begs Chloe and Clark to throw her a bone and give her some type of story so that she won't get fired, but Chloe and Clark hustle out of the apartment, conveniently forgetting the printouts on the fight club, which Lois digs out of the trash, because she's an idiot. She oh-so-conveniently recognizes some random number on the wall behind one of the fight pictures and, quite naturally, knows exactly where the fight clubbing is going down. Lois gets that gleam in her eye that tells you that she is going to royally eff up everything Clark and Chloe are so carefully going about doing. Because she's an idiot. Good job, Lois. Is Clark seriously going to end up with this nitwit?
Meanwhile, over at the Luthor mansion, Lex is toasting his glum bride over surviving a week of marriage to him. But don't worry, it's only sparkling cider - - and Lana gives him the cheek rather than her lips to kiss and reminds Lex that they elected not to take a honeymoon because it wouldn't be safe for her to travel, being pregnant and all. Whatever, Lana. You're an idiot. You're allegedly pregnant, not bedridden and contagious. But obviously Lana's idiocy is rubbing off on Lex because he seems okay with all this and even tells her that things will be different and better once the baby is born, after Lana tells Lex that so much has happened and she just needs time. Like, don't you take the time to think it all out before you marry someone? If this isn't the kiss of death for a marriage I don't know what is.
So we leave the most depressing newlyweds on the planet and Lois, who apparently has gone shopping at Trashy Lingerie, is decked out in head to toe red leather and making some excuse about how she needs water for her car and she's a stripper at some establishment down the street. Uh, okay, but that doesn't explain why she's wearing head to toe red leather. Obviously Lois is about as good a liar as she is a reporter because the tough ass security chick catches Lois taking digital photos of the fight club lair (using a flash is probably NOT a good idea, Lois) and a brief fight ensues with Lois improbably beating the security chick's ass. However, her victory is short lived and the manager of this mess puts a gun in her face. Good job, Lois.
On over at Belle Reve, angry Clark confronts the administrator, who also happens to be the fight club manager. Clark demands to be put in the ring and after some convincing (i.e., stopping a bullet that Mr. Belle Reve fires at him with his bare hand), he's on his way to the fight club.
Back over at Lex and Lana's love den, Lex finds Lana writhing on the bathroom floor in pain, she gasps "Something's wrong" (no shit, Sherlock) and then immediately passes out, saving us from any more intelligent gems like "Something's wrong". So Lex, rather than jumping up and grabbing any of a dozen telephones through the house, or his usually ever-present cell phone to call 911, instead weakly yells "Help! I need help! Somebody help!" Good job, Lex.
Meanwhile, Clark arrives at the fight club and Mr. Belle Reve tells him that he will be known as the Man of Steel. Clever. Clark asks to fight Titan, who he thinks has escaped from the Phantom Zone, due to a tattoo he spotted on Titan's arm, but Mr. Belle Reve is all about promotion and thinks Clark had better work his way up. His first opponent? The head to toe in red leather Lois. Of course. How predictable, Smallville.
So Lana wakes up at Smallville General and I'm thinking, thank God, no one's been in the hospital since Lana was last there and how does this place stay in business without Clark's family or friends to check in? And shouldn't Lana have her own reserved room by now? Jesus. So she wakes up and sees Lex talking to some female doctor outside of her room and rather than pushing the button to call the nurse, or wait until Lex is done with his secretive conversation, she gets up and promptly knocks everything off the tables and falls down. Because she's an idiot. Good job, Lana. Lex rushes in, with the unidentified female doctor behind him and all Lana wants to know is about the baby. Lex asks the unidentified female doctor if he and his wife can have a moment, she leaves and Lana should know what's coming. It's never good news when you ask the doctor to leave. So Lex tells Lana that there were complications (yeah, like maybe you were never pregnant?) and Lana cries and cries because they already had the baby's room decorated and all.
So the fight club goes online and Clark tells Lois he's not going to fight her. I'm thinking that Clark is missing a perfectly good opportunity to haul off and knock the everloving crap out of Lois for all the problems she's caused him, but no . . . instead, Lois balls her fist up and attempts to punch Clark to make it look good. Instead, she ends up breaking her fist. Good job, Lois. Clark uses his laser vision to fry the cameras and internet hook up and upon seeing that, Titan recognizes Clark as Kal-El and busts out of his cage. Mr. Belle Reve attempts to tell Titan that he's not scheduled to fight and Titan promptly throws Mr. Belle Reve into a wall and to his death. Ouch. Clark tells Lois to run but, being Lois, and a complete and total idiot, she jumps on Titan's back (like that's going to be effective, the man has a built-in shiv) and is promptly thrown off his back but not unfortunately to her death. She just passes out. Because she's an idiot. However, it does make Clark's job easier. Titan and Clark bust out their fists and their strengths and some serious street fighting. Of course, Clark wins, when Titan is impaled on his own piece, but Titan is at least man enough to say "good fight" before expiring.
Over at the Luthor mansion, Lex is getting a report on what happened at the fight club. (Man, he really does have his hands in everything, doesn't he?) and is given a copy of Titan's autopsy. I want to know how they can do a complete autopsy on Titan, complete with report, only an hour at most after he died and we still don't have autopsy reports on Anne Nicole? Anyway, Lex finds out from the autopsy that Titan was not meteor infected, as everyone had thought, but rather wasn't human. What or who on earth (or elsewhere) could have killed him? Hmmm . . .
So Clark is still pissed, and still working the hotness, but struggling with feeling bad about killing some alien from the Phantom Zone that was insistent on killing him. This is proof right there that Clark isn't human, because if he was he would have been thinking "Bitch deserved to die after trying to jack me up!" But no, Martha convinces Clark that he is human because he feels regret over killing Titan. Blah blah blah. Where is Chloe?
Back at the Luthor digs, Lana is hibernating in the nursery for the baby that never existed. Lex asks what he can do to make her pain go away. Ummmm, maybe not medically trick her into thinking she's pregnant for starters? So Lex makes some stupid comment about how we have to leave some things up to higher powers and I'm thinking is he talking about himself as a higher power? Or Lionel? Lana tells Lex she wants her medical records, because she wants to make sure it wasn't her fault that she lost the baby. He promises to get them for her, then immediately calls the unidentified female doctor to convince her in his Lex-like way that she's never heard of Lana Luthor before, while throwing Lana's medical records into the ever-blazing fire in his study.
So what's going to happen next week? We have no idea. No previews. Thanks, CW.

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