March 16, 2007

Smallville Returns, Lana's Idiocy Returns With a Vengeance


Okay, so after a two or three week break, Smallville is back. And what a disappointment. In a nutshell, what was good: Lionel is really evil and he proved it last night; Shelby the dog was returned to his supporting role (this time as a stand-in for Lana, as Clark practiced proposing); and the episode was Lois-free. What was bad: everything else.
Seriously, I cannot remember a more depressing episode. It all takes place the day of the Lex-Lana nuptials and on the day of her wedding, Lana finally realizes that she doesn't want to marry Lex, that she's still in love with Clark. A little late (talk about eleventh hour), seeing as how she's got Lex's ring on her finger and his bun in her oven, but it's about damn time. And Clark realizes that he's still very much in love with Lana, despite the fact that she's been impregnated by his arch-nemesis and she's a complete and utter moron. Of course it takes "rescuing" Chloe from the Luther wine cellar, with Chloe attempting to talk sense into him - - a scene which, we realize later due to flashbacks, that Lana set up and witnessed. Holy cow. So now Lana is in on Clark's secret. So Clark decides to drop by the Luther mansion as everyone does, without invite and without knocking (great security detail, Lex), and tells Lana that he wants to share his secret with her and Lana babbles that she's not going to marry Lex and that she will meet Clark at the barn (the scene of all secret rendezvous in Smallville) at 5 pm, the time she is due to exchange vows with Lex. Clark and Lana hear a "noise", Clark leaves as undetected as he arrives, and Lionel appears on the scene. Turns out that Lionel had a nice fatherly chat with Lex earlier, wherein Lex confessed that he was nothing without Lana, and would do anything to ensure that Lana was at the church on time. Lionel, being the oh-so-caring father that we all know he's not, immediately hurries his on-hiatus evil ass over to the Luther mansion and confronts Lana, in the process swiping a Dear John letter she's penned Lex, because breaking up via a handwritten note is so much nicer than breaking up via Post-It. Lionel tells Lana that he's aware that Lana obviously knows Clark's little secret and threatens to kill Clark if Lana neglects to show up at the church and make an honest woman of herself. And here it comes - - - the trademark, episodic scene of Lana looking shocked, bewildered and utterly confused. In other words, Lana's normal look. Does Lana tell Lionel to kiss her moronic ass? Does she say "You don't scare me, old man!" Does she even pick up her handy cell phone, which she's had in her hand in every other scene of this episode, and call Clark? After all, she just saw him rip off a steel door with his bare hands and use his fire vision to weld it back - - I would thinking kicking the crap of Lionel Luther would be no problem. Nope! She just stands there, shaking and being a big, fat wuss! So Clark is practicing proposing to Lana, using the awesome Shelby, who should be given more air time, as a stand-in. I guess it's not considered bad taste in Smallville to propose to someone on the day they are actually to be married to someone else. Cut to the church, decked out in ghastly pink and purple flowers (guess money does not buy good taste). The church is full of people we have never seen before, and probably never will again. Martha is sitting in a pew, looking a bit nervous. Hi, Martha. Nice dress, but I really wish you would cut your hair back to shoulder length. Meantime, Lex is meeting downstairs in the crypt (for real) with Lana's physician, who is on the Luther payroll. Dr. Dimwit is blackmailing Lex for $2 million; otherwise, he promises to go to Lana with the secret about Lana's pregnancy. Lex looks worried but claims he doesn't give in to blackmail demands. Dr. Dimwit turns to leave, and Lex opens up a can of whup ass on him. Dr. Dimwit falls and smashes the hell out of his head on a crypt - - game over. Lex being Lex, and the fact that he's due to get upstairs and marry stupid Lana, he quickly and easily (riiiiiiight) opens one of the crypts and drops Dr. Dimwit's dead body inside. He washes up in a conveniently located bathroom and gets his jacket on, in time for Chloe to knock on the door and tell him that Lana is MIA. Lex panics and worries that this will be like a Bride magazine nightmare - - stood up at the altar. Notice that Chloe is wearing a tacky dress of pink and purple, her flowers are godawful and Lana can't be a real friend if she expects Chloe to wear that hairstyle. Lex doesn't call anyone, looking for Lana. He doesn't send one of his security goons out to find his intended. He doesn't even use common sense and head over to the Kent farm and search for Clark. He stands at the altar, with the pastor, and with Chloe, and looks worried. The church, full of Smallville citizens who apparently only make an appearance in group scenes, buzzes with the possibility that Lex is being stood up. Cool! Cut back to the barn, where Clark is looking at his watch and getting worried. Clark can get to another country in like two minutes, so why isn't he speeding his ass over to the church? Back to the church, where Lana finally appears . . . no one to walk her down the aisle, not even Chloe proceeds her. She looks far from the radiant bride; she looks like she's about to have a very bad case of diarrhea. Back to Clark and he finally realizes that something isn't right. He grabs his coat, leaves a dejected Shelby behind and zips to the church, just in time to hear Lex say "I do" and the spotlight shifts to Lana. Before she can say "I do", she looks over and sees Clark. Does she say "Hell, no!" when the pastor waits for her answer? Hell, no! She says "I do" but with such a pained look on her face that every single person in that church should have stood up and objected. But no, they are pronounced Mr. and Mrs. Alexander (hee!) Luther, they share an awkward first kiss and walk back down the aisle, with Lana looking as though she can barely hold back tears (and not ones of joy). So in a back room of the church, while Lana is sending hateful glares to herself in a mirror and hopefully wishing death on herself, Lionel bitch slaps Lex and curses him for being so inept that he can't even commit murder properly. Then Lionel officially welcomes Lana to the family, because I guess he should be somewhat polite to her, after threatening to kill her true love if she didn't marry his homicidally inept son, kissing her cheek while Lana tries to keep a look of total revulsion off her face (not too much luck there). Lionel exists, and Lex thoughtfully leaves behind him, so that Clark can come in and ask Lana what happened. Naturally, Lana still neglects to tell Clark the truth and tells Clark she had a change of heart and loves Lex. She says this so fake, so unconvincingly that Clark should just grab her and run - - after all, who's going to catch him? But does he? No. Cut to the happy couple (meaning Lex and his money) leaving the church, with Lana in tow. Lana looks as though Rosemary's Baby is eating his way through her midsection but I don't feel sorry for her. Girlfriend is getting what she deserves for being so stupid. So L & L climb into a black limo-like, but not a limo, car with untinted windows (like Lex would EVER travel that way), and helpfully marked by a customized license plate with "LL". Clark is standing off to the side, and Lex gives him a smug look that says "Ha! I win, beeyatch!" Lana looks out the back window at Clark . . . the car leaves and fade out. Depressing, depressing, depressing. So Clark withheld his secret from Lana to protect her, because he loved her so much. Now Lana is withholding a secret from Clark, to protect him, because she loves him so much. In the process getting herself allegedly knocked up with an evil man's baby (I can only guess the secret Dr. Dimwit was holding was that Lana isn't really pregnant), marrying a man she doesn't love and doesn't trust and subjecting herself to a loveless life. Ah, all in a day's work in Smallville.

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