April 3, 2007

The Little General Getting Desperate

So it's four months after THE! MOST! AMAZING! AND! ROMANTIC! WEDDING! EVAH! and The Little General is still coercing his business associates into waxing poetic about the billion year contract/bond he made with Show Pony Katie Holmes? Seriously, dude, that ship has long since sailed and sunk.
The current gushing celebrity in question is DJ Ronson and yeah, I'm saying it too. Who in hell is DJ Ronson? After a brief internet search, I found that Mr. Ronson DJ'd at the Holmes/Cruise dedication ceremony, in addition to his day job, which apparently includes producing hits for Lily Allen, Amy Winehouse and Robbie Williams (and you thought I would say "endorsing Tom Cruise"!)
Anyhoo, The Little General's spinmeister is quoted as saying (and I do quote):

"It was actually really mellow. When I got to the castle, they were dancing like
crazy. Tom came up and said, ‘You’re killing it!’ like you would in a hip-hop
club. It was an hour and half of cartwheels across the dancefloor. It had a
good vibe, a sweet, love, wedding vibe to it.”
Uh huh. Because we all know that mellow and Tom Cruise go hand in hand. Kinda like statuesque and Tom Cruise. And I'm sure they were indeed dancing like crazy. And laughing like crazy. And acting like crazy because crazy is as crazy does. And cartwheels across the dancefloor would not surprise me in the least because somehow I always felt that The Little General would host a circus-themed wedding and nothing says true love like men in tights. But I digress.
I have to wonder, whose wedding did DJ Ronson attend? It couldn't have been The Little General's. Even discounting my extreme bias at the levels of fakery associated with every aspect of TomKat, I think the Holmes/Cruise "Wedding" was one of the coldest, unemotional and, yes, depressing weddings I have ever seen. Where were the personal touches? Where was the emotion? Where was the joy? A "Days of Our Lives" wedding feels more real and heartfelt than this mess. Seriously, folks, the Patch and Kayla wedding with Kayla signing her vows because she lost her ability to speak in some freak only-in-soap opera explosion, only to regain the use of her voice during the wedding (what a miracle!) was more believable than Martin Holmes voluntarily and happily walking his brain dead daughter down the aisle to allegedly legally bind herself to the biggest whack job in Hollywood.
The only thing missing, IMO, was the director on the sidelines, calling "Uh, Tom can we do that again, this time with more passion?" I know there are some skeptics out there that think that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban's union is nothing more than a business contract, which may be true, but their wedding at least looked like a family affair and looked more genuine than the Holmes/Cruise affair. These two have become such PR losers that they can't even pull together a realistic, believable wedding IN ITALY and with all the financial freedom imaginable. Geesh.
But yeah, THE! MOST! AMAZING! AND! ROMANTIC! (FAKE) WEDDING! EVAH! happened 4 months ago. It's time to quit rehashing something that wasn't that AMAZING! and ROMANTIC! to begin with. Maybe The Little General should be paying his "friends" to talk about his desperate attempt to hang on and stay around in the business, I mean, career?

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