The end of this month will bring us to the two year anniversary of the birth of that media Goliath known as TomKat. Two years during which the tables have been turned and the rules have been changed.
Before TomKat, The Little General was just Tom Cruise - - that movie megastar whose only tarnishments in the age before excessive and over the top PDA with the former Joey Potter became sport was the occasional gay rumor flare up - - since the conception and birth of TomKat, Tom Cruise has become a Napoleonic figure in both height and an obsessively controlling nature; an intolerant, highly excitable figure with a maniacal grin; a man overloaded with wealth, supporting an unorthodox cult that hides behind religious status in order to avoid the tax man.
Despite the "magnificent" Katie Holmes bringing Cruise the supposed love of his life, the most amazingly amazing relationship EVAH, it seemingly has brought about the destruction of his carefully constructed and maintained image. Did he ever jump on couches (publicly at least) to declare his love for Nicole? He left first wife Mimi Rogers for the statuesque Aussie actress and spent ten years with her (give or take a few days, depending on whose attorney you believe), having two children with her. Nicole may be cold but the woman has never come off as lacking in intelligence - - and yet Cruise finds Katie Holmes to be the woman of his dreams? The same Katie Holmes that shock jock Howard Stern called "a blank slate"? Hmmm . . . maybe a scholastic void is what Cruise wants.
If so, that plan has backfired as well. Most of us with ten fingers can count the number of times Ms. Holmes has spoken publicly since her attachment to Cruise, and spoken clearly, concisely and relevantly. Actually, I think someone minus their limbs period can count those number of times. That would be a big goose egg for those of you wondering. From her giggling schoolgirl-like utterings of "amazing!" in the pre-engagement period (those whopping six weeks, if you're keeping count) to the disturbing, straitjacket-inducing recitations given to W magazine which first gave her the tag of being robotic and dazed, to the painfully ass-kissing rapture given to the Family Cruise in Vanity Fair, where the genetically questioned Suri was introduced, and where Ms. Holmes "raged" to Jane Sorkin about "all the shit that's out there" and in the same breath spoke about moniker-challenged Suri as being a "glorious girl" and "the miracle of our lives", Ms. Holmes has proven to be far less media savvy and celebrity-ready than her diminutive partner. Worse still is her physical appearance - - far from looking gloriously happy and in love, Ms. Holmes has become an expert in drabby chic, attired in oxford shirts, jeans, ratty hair, dark circles under her eyes - - and that's on her better days. She hasn't shot a movie in over two years, the Hollywood equivalent of suicide. We're not talking about Julia Roberts here, people. Katie Holmes before Cruise was C list, at best.
But back to Cruise. Never mind the questions and careful evasions of how he met Ms. Holmes and what exactly he finds so fascinating and endearing about her besides her love for cupcakes. In late April of 2005, the surprising duo told reporters that they had been dating for "a couple of weeks". Upon Suri's no-doubt silent birth on (allegedly) April 18 of last year, the oh-so-public couple claimed that, lo and behold, Suri had made her debut on the anniversary of their first date! So which is it, Cruises? Ten days does not equal "a couple of weeks".
And why the rush to get engaged, upon the Eiffel Tower, no less, a mere six weeks after meeting, and yet the slow, excruciating walk up the aisle? Was it truly because Cruise and Holmes were focused on their babies - - Suri and MI:3? Was it because Holmes was being particularly tough on the prenup? Or, maybe, was it because a wedding wasn't in the original plans, which had to be scrapped when the public didn't jump on board the TomKat love train? So how well thought out was TomKat? I have to think "not very". If a lot of thought had been given to it, the Cruise Camp would have introduced us to Cruise's new "ladylove" gradually and not dropped the Love Bomb on us in Italy. Further, his camp would have chosen someone more compatible with Cruise himself. Rumors about contracts notwithstanding, I do think that Cruise and Nicole Kidman shared a warm friendship prior to their divorce and enjoyed each other's company. It was evident in their public appearances and in photographs. Seeing Cruise and Holmes together makes me think that he has only seen her nether regions on film, like the rest of us.
So what has TomKat taught us, besides making a moniker out of two celebrity names can be extremely annoying?
1. That Tom Cruise is desperate. Desperate to remain relevant. Desperate to have us continue to believe that he is virile and magnificently and amazingly heterosexual. (And can allegedly father a child with a head of hair that would make Elvis envious.) Desperate for us to believe in the hoax that L. Ron Hubbard has been brainwashing people with for the last fifty years.
2. That Katie Holmes is a moronic fashion disaster. Either she unknowingly entered into a billion year contract with Cruise and Scientology, which would make her so naive in Hollywood to earn a moronic tag, or she knowingly signed on the dotted line, which would make her so opportunistic, shallow and materialistic to earn her a moronic tag.
3. That Scientology is a dangerous practice and has the basic tools to turn its members into tools. Cruise appears to slowly be losing his sanity, going apeshit on Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields; John Travolta apparently keeps his son Jett in a hidden room when he and clam-wife Kelly Preston aren't speaking publicly about their marathon sex sessions and how positioning is going to help them start trying for yet another Scientology member this summer; Leah Remini publicly speaks about how not only is her daughter so fugly that Suri Cruise is magnificently beautiful in comparison (bitch, please), but her daughter obviously should already be in anger management as she hits other toddlers.
4. That no matter how hard you try to pass off a mutt as a purebred, in the end, it's still a mutt. No matter how much Cruise stands on his tiptoes and appears to nuzzle Holmes, while keeping an observant eye on the cameras, naturally, it still seems forced and always will. Until Holmes loses the dead-eyed thousand mile gaze, no one is going to believe that she's madly in love with Cruise, or that she's independent and making her own choices. Girlfriend is dependent on Barneys, therefore dependent on Cruise and his AmEx card, plain and simple.
5. That the children are the ultimate victims. Bad enough that Cruise himself thinks he can cure people of heroin addiction in three days, that the dictionary "cured" him of his dyslexia or that he's become so intolerant and full of himself (and Scientology) that he can easily say "F&ck you, then" if you don't agree with him. He has three children that are being raised in the School of Scientology and I don't believe for a minute that Kidman or Holmes has a damn say in it.
6. That Cruise can't dance for sh*t and even white boys are hanging their heads in embarrassment.
Seriously, though. Staging is good when selling a house, but not in a relationship. It's time for Cruise and Holmes to throw in the towel and burn that contract.