August 28, 2007

Ali Lohan is Just Like Her Sister

Source/Image: Celebitchy
The apple sure doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? Those Lohan women are a classy bunch.

With LiLo in rehab and currently fairly low on the gossip radar, leave it up to 13 year old Ali to pick up where her troubled elder sister left off. That's right, 13 years old.

Ali was apparently involved in a car accident after sneaking out of the house to meet her 16 year old boyfriend. I'm sure sneaking out of Dina "Sore on the Ass of Society" Lohan's house was about as hard as convincing Britney Spears that soda pop and alcohol are actually good for babies. Really, where the hell is Child Protective Services?

So back to Ali. Apparently her 16 year old Romeo took the family car without permission and only has a learner's permit. What's the big deal, Nassau County? LiLo took someone else's car without permission and she sure as heck shouldn't have a driver's license. In California, they actually reward you for that kind of behavior, if you fall under the celebrity exception rule.

Neither Little Lohan nor her boyfriend were injured and apparently after the minor accident, Dina and Ali were in Utah visiting with LiLo.

Were it anyone but Dina Lohan, I would hope that she was marching her possibly wayward 13 year old off to visit with her obviously very wayward older sister, to see what can happen when you let your life get out of control. But Dina being Dina . . . I'm sure she zoomed in on a photo op and took it.

Speaking of LiLo, word in the gossip world is that she is taking her current rehab about as seriously as she has her previous two. Meaning that this is simply a stint for her to relax and work on her next publicity eff-up. "Insiders" claim that LiLo has been seen buying beer in town, doing drugs, acting the total diva and even doing the nasty in the facility bathroom with a male rehabber. Once again, cl-ASSY. Apparently LiLo doesn't want to do her chores and thinks "rules don't apply to her". Yeah, maybe because at least in the state of California, they don't.

Missing Cruise Children Explained

Source and Image: Celebitchy
It's now nearly the end of summer and we have yet to have a cozy, crazy Cruise family photoshoot with all the Cruise children, not just the new face of Scientology, Suri. Despite His Tinyness' dependence upon Bella and Connor (the other children) for the past two years as a means of selling his relationsham with The Dead Eyed Scienobot Formerly Known as Katie Holmes, and his shameless whoring of their sporting events as PR free-for-alls, the elder Cruise-lings have been strangely absent these last few months.

According to Star magazine, it's because Bella and Connor have been shipped off to Scientology Summer Camp. Fun, fun! I can just see it now - - arts and crafts that consist of making e-meters from old soup cans and printing of Scientology pamphlets by hand; group readings of Hubbard's Dianetics; cleaning and scrubbing the cabins all day, for no pay; therapy sessions where those awful body thetans are banished; and to top off the day, gathering around a group campfire and sipping those tasty niacin shakes. Yum! Definitely a warm and fuzzy summer memory that Bella and Connor can share with their children one day . . . or at least in a tell-all memoir that I hope and pray with every ounce of my being that at least one of them will write.

Scott Baio Gets Picked Up

Source: CNN
After a considered successful freshman season on VH-1, Scott Baio has been invited back to share more of his dysfunctional and self-absorbed life with amazed viewers. Yes, VH-1 has renewed Chachi's "reality" show . . . and I use that term lightly because even "Rock of Love" seems less staged than the inner workings of the Baio mind.

I was on board with this show, back in July, when it premiered. But then I was treated to the reality of what a complete narcissistic prick Baio really is, how disrespectful he is toward women in general and all my pre-adolescent fantasies of Chachi disappeared. I continued watching because, as they say, you can't turn away from a train wreck. But the show seemed to lose steam and momentum as it went on. Sure, it was fascinating to see what a total loser Baio was in real life. It was fun to see him have his ass handed to him on a platter, in a variety of fashions, by the exes he cheated on. But Baio acted as though he was sentenced to a term of 8 weeks by a life coach, the very coach he himself hired. If he really wanted some serious introspection, why was he acting so aggrieved by every action the doctor asked him to do? Did he really want to change? And did he want to change for Renee, because I felt more genuine affection between Baio and his dog . . . or Baio and his doctor. And did he really change? Despite Doc Ali's assertions to Renee at the end of the show that Baio had changed, and Renee would see it, I myself did not. He didn't seem any closer to understanding why he was/is such a womanizer and why he had such a poor opinion of marriage and women in general.

Despite Baio's so-called proposal of marriage to Renee at the end of the show (although I would hardly call a statement of "I guess I'm ready to marry you" a proposal, but rather an answer to an ultimatum), and her announcement that they were expecting a baby, I just didn't feel like Baio was truly happy about either event. Maybe it was selective editing or perhaps it was in keeping with the running theme of the show, since it's very unlikely that Baio's pronouncement was unrehearsed or unscripted, or that Renee's big "reveal" about the pregnancy was the first Baio had heard about it.

Next season, VH-1 can run with the concept of Baio's impending fatherhood, along with the pressures of the engagement. Will there be any real surprises? Highly doubtful. Baio will bemoan the loss of his independence and probably exhibit as much anxiety over buying baby furniture as he did looking over engagement rings, and lean heavily on his male gaggle of friends to stroke his ego and talk him through the stresses in his life.

The new season goes into production this fall, with six half-hour episodes and three hour-long installments.

August 27, 2007

Katie Holmes: Spoiled, Insufferable Snot?

Image: DListed

To jump on the bandwagon, Janet Charlton appears to be hot on the trail of Katie Holmes. Says Ms. Charlton:

Katie Holmes flew back (from Germany) via London on a British Airways first
class flight alone recently, and she didn't make any friends on board,
according to another passenger. An hour after take-off the flight attendant
advised passengers to close their windows so people who wanted to, could
sleep. Everyone in first class closed their windows, but Katie refused for
some reason. Hers was the only window with light glaring in and other
travelers were annoyed. When the plane was a few hours outside Los Angeles
and most fliers were awake, Katie decided SHE wanted to nap and asked the
flight attendant to ask people to close their windows. Her fellow travelers
were so irritated by her lack of cooperation earlier that they REBELLED and
deliberately refused to close. This isn't typical behavior for Katie - she's
always been sweet and thoughtful. Was she distracted and oblivious of
others? Or has her marriage changed her?

This behavior does not surprise me at all. Didn't those measly little airline patrons know who Mrs. Mini-Messiah was? Don't they know how exhausting her shopping, posing, shopping, shopping, shopping schedule is? Shopping is much, much harder work than work, people. Anywho, I'm curious to know if Katie was always such a spoiled, indulgent little twit or if being married to the Jesus Christ of Scientology has made her that way. (Although Nicole Kidman was never accused of being downright rude). Perhaps it's Scientology - - the courses are working and Katie now has an inflated sense of self-importance. After all, that describes her diminutive husband to a "T".

Speaking of Ms. Holmes-Cruise, the latest little tidbit to offset the ever-forthcoming Andrew Morton biography on her hubby is that Tommy Boy and Katie share separate bedrooms. For those of us pessimists who doubt the validity of THE GREATEST ROMANCE EVAH this is not surprising news. Heck, I doubt they have ever shared the same wing of their house, much less a bedroom. Allegedly, the pair had their own bedrooms, in separate wings of the Crazy Cruise Compound when the duo began "dating" because with Katie being a good little Catholic girl, it just wouldn't be right. Riiiiiight. If Katie were such a good little Catholic girl, she wouldn't have dated, much less married, a man who had been divorced twice and she wouldn't have turned her back on Catholicism for the crackpot wizardry of Scientology. Besides, isn't the whole point of living together to be sharing a bedroom? Otherwise, aren't you just roommates?

But I digress. The same "source" who provided the press with this ridiculous tall tale also made sure to emphasize that even though Tommy Boy and Katie were occupying separate bedrooms while "dating", Suri was conceived the old-fashioned way. Yep, another blatant black mark against such a good little Catholic girl. Most good little Catholic girls don't get pregnant outside of marriage - - and if they do, they usually marry before the child is born. Whoops, Katie.

So, fast forward to today and apparently the still newly-wed Cruises are sleeping in separate spaces, with the excuse being that Tommy Boy is a noisy snorer and Katie needs her beauty sleep. Now that's rich. Because if they are sleeping apart so Katie can get her beauty sleep, girlfriend needs more than just the standard 8 hours. She needs maybe 800 hours. Has she slept since this farce began? Are under eye bags the new pink?

As if this isn't enough, we are also informed that Katie has decorated her master bedroom in pretty pastel shades, with a carousel and plenty of stuffed animals.

For real. We are talking about a married woman - - at least in name, only. She is nearly 30, and she does have a child. Camp Cruise has been desperate to age Katie - - hence the matronly outfits, the chopping of her hair - - so that the age difference between her and Tommy Boy doesn't seem so great . . . and yet, they go and allow someone to "leak" this story? Carousel? Stuffed animals? Where is the mention about the damn cupcakes? Are they sure they weren't describing Tommy Boy's room by mistake?

August 25, 2007

All is Good with Dina

Source: WWTDD; Image: PopSugar

Now that her eldest child has been sentenced to a whopping one day in jail (that'll teach Lohan her lesson, for sure), Dina "Sore on the Ass of Society" Lohan, quite naturally, had to rush off to the press to give a statement. The media-savvy mother of the year claims that "my children and I are in a wonderful place in our lives and people just want to make things up and see us fail!" Okay, knock your eyes from the back of your head where they rolled and realize this is a statement from the woman who thinks she's the white Oprah. Yes, her daughter is in rehab for the third time in under nine months, is going to jail (even just for a day) and is basically a huge effing mess, and Einstein here thinks everything is "wonderful". No wonder Lohan is such a fuck up. But wait, there's more!
SOTAS also claims that she is scared to death over Lohan's frightening jail sentence. "It's really sad. Something bad is going to happen, I'm afraid." Yes, it's really sad. It's really sad that your daughter just turned 21 and her life is in shambles. It's sad that no one in her family gives a rat's ass about her unless she's not earning money. It's sad that your daughter's vajayjay has a permanent "Vacancy - Open - Tenant Wanted" sign on it. It's sad that I, among many others, have actually seen your daughter's vajayjay on the internet.
And something bad is going to happen. But probably not in cushy, celebrity prison, where the inmates are given private cells that they must serve their time in for roughly 35 minutes. Most likely in one of the many nightclubs that Lohan frequents, with her mother's blessing and endorsement. How long before we get a statement from SOTAS blaming the media and press for her daughter's overdose?

August 24, 2007

Who Knew Jamie Foxx Was So Stupid?

Source: DListed

Seriously. Does anyone other than this mentally-challenged nitwit think that the Michael Vick case is racially motivated? I would laugh except I think JF is being sincere - - in his dumbass way - - along with helping to perpetuate the myth that every black celebrity being charged with a felony is being railroaded. Bitch, please.
JF claims that dogfighting is a “cultural” thing and that “most brothers didn’t know” that it’s against the law (and morally offensive). Further, he thinks that Vick “just didn’t read his handbook on what not to do as a black star”. A-ha! So there are books on that? Is there a chapter on “If you are a black star, do not fight/mutilate/murder animals”? Heck, you would think one of Michael Vick’s good buddies would have given him that book.
This statement just proves how really dumb Jamie Foxx is. Last time I checked, black stars were held up to the same legal standards as white ones (unless you are O.J. Simpson and you’ve just stabbed two people to death). Is JF saying that if Brad Pitt had been in the dogfighting business, there would be a different set of rules? And should Brad Pitt have the handbook on what not to do as a white star?
Furthermore, Michael Vick isn’t from the hood. Okay, well, he’s from Newport News, but he got out. He went to Virginia Tech, which is a good school. He got educated. We’re not talking about this case like he was running some dogfighting business out of someone’s crappy garage. The man bought a property out in a less populated county of Virginia, specifically to breed and fight dogs. So, clearly, although the man is a violent, sociopathic dickwad, he’s not totally stupid.
When will celebrities learn that they really are better off keeping their mouths shut? Just because you played an intelligent person on t.v. or in the movies doesn’t make you one. (Are you listening, Tom Cruise?) Maybe celebrities should have “no comment” tattooed on their hands so they can remember that’s generally the best answer ever.

August 23, 2007

Lohan Gets a Get Out of Jail Free Card

Source: DListed

Despite having her second DUI in just under three months . . . despite partaking in a high speed car chase through Santa Monica, and running countless red lights . . . in a car that was not hers . . .and which she helped herself to, while legally kidnapping the occupants in the back seat (well, two of them, since the third jumped out and she ran over his foot) . . .despite the arresting officers finding cocaine in her pocket . . . Lohan will not be charged with any felonies. It's Hollywood, ya'll! When you're young, and a celebrity . . . well, these things just happen and you really shouldn't be punished like (gasp) an average person would be. After all, as Lohan famously told her hijackees, she's a celebrity and she can do whatever she wants.

Has the Los Angeles County District Attorney always been such a joke? Since when does having prior DUIs work in the guilty party's favor? Since when is a third stab at rehab in six months considered an action worthy of negotiating down from a felony? Jesus Christ, do you have to kill someone in Beverly Hills in order to go to jail?

Oh no, wait . . . I guess you don't.
Source: MSN

I'm wondering how badly Dina "Sore on the Ass of Society" Lohan is going to sue Los Angeles County when Lohan overdoses. Because we know it's coming. It's only a question of how many people she will maim, injure and/or kill before she does.

(C)Rock of Love

Source: VH-1

I am hanging my head in shame, even as I write this. I, who freely admits that I watch Scott "45 and a Fuckwit" Baio's show, and have a strange addiction with Michael Landon shows (and yes, that includes "Little House on the Prairie"), have become addicted to Bret Michaels' foray into the reality forum - - VH1's "Rock of Love". The premise is simple. BM supposedly is looking for love, and hopes that VH1 producers have somehow managed to find that one special lady in the 20 or so women they have tapped to compete on the show, to accept his aging hand and a place on the Poison tour bus. What makes this show so much more of a guilty pleasure than "The Bachelor" and its spin-offs is that the women are heavily made up of strippers, porn wanna-bes and fledgling musicians with boil-a-bunny tendencies. All of whom must compete in challenges to win either a solo or group date with Bret, in the hopes that they can spend time with him and stay on for at least another week. And the challenges run the gamut from dirtbike riding to muddy football to being able to change into sleazy rockstar girlfriend clothes in a dirty Port-A-Potty. Sounds glamorous, doesn't it?

The show has its resident slut - - Heather, who can't keep her clothes on to save her life and is currently in the fifth year of her five year plan on working as a stripper. She's the oldest 32 year old I have possibly ever seen (only beating Tom Cruise's future ex-wife because she's only 29) with a predilection for huge, Aqua Net endorsed hair and 1970s attire that Cher would have loved. Then there's Lacey, every inch Heather's equal as far as diabolical plotting goes, but far outweighs Heather in the crazy factor. Lacey sports a magenta streak through her hair, and a pierced lip and continues to baffle the audience (at least at my house) every week with her continued invite to stay. She claims to be a musician and I think everyone but Bret knows that it's only a matter of time before Lacey sets the tour bus on fire or attacks Bret in his sleep.

There's Brandi, who is not shy about burping, farting, drinking, being a tomboy or the fact that she will sleep with women (although not marry one). She seems like a good match for Bret, with the exception of recent porn-like pictures that have surfaced on the internet. Jes is a hairdresser from Chicago who has a bright pink streak through her hair and genuinely seems to have made the most sincere and honest connection with Bret. However, she is very young and that may work against her. Sam is a very emotional, very needy, person who seems to have fallen in love with Bret, but she is very obviously not cut out for the rock star lifestyle. And then there's Mia. Mia is easy to forget about because she tends to blend into the background. It's still a mystery why Bret has kept Mia in his entourage of party girls, but could it be because she might be the dark horse?

I'm thinking it's more likely that none of these women will ride off into the sunset on the tour bus.

August 16, 2007

O.J. Simpson is a Tool

Source: A Socialite's Life
Being a smarmy, cold-blooded, chickenshit killer is bad enough, but to be painfully and willfully stupid too?

Killer Simpson is back in the news - - just mere weeks after publicly defending Michael Vick in the press. Why was Simpson defending Michael Vick? Who knows. Probably for publicity, since I doubt O.J. keeps up with dog fighting or even football these days.

Months ago, the Brentwood Butcher was shopping a truly tasteless book entitled "If I Did It", where he would outline exactly how he killed his ex-wife and her friend. If he did it, of course. Wink, wink. Snort, snort. And we all know he was acquitted of the criminal charges by the incredibly astute and highly intelligent Los Angeles County jurors. So you would think that O.J. would just mosey off into the Florida sunset, with his golf clubs and golf cart.

Not a chance in hell! After a bunch of legal wrangling and arguments from the Brown and Goldman families, Simpson's sure-to-be Pulitzer Prize worthy tome will be published . . . with the proceeds to go to pay off his huge civil debt to the Goldman family.

This guy really is an idiot. He pulls one of the greatest (and most offensive) legal scams on the justice system by getting away with hacking up two people and rather than fading into quiet obscurity and counting his blessings, he wants to write a book on how he would have done it, if he had done it??? WTH? O.J., are you going to tell us how the Jimmy Hoffa disappearance went down too? Any other "unsolved" crimes out in L.A. that O.J. can help to decipher? Maybe he can collaborate with Mark Fuhrman to write a book on another high profile case!

I seriously hope that Sydney and Justin didn't inherit their father's special brand of stupid.

The Better Photoshop?

Just wondering . . .

Source: DListed

The trash talking, Taco Bell loving Cheeto


Source: Just Jared

The test tube, mop topped mini-Scientologist

Criss Angel Will Eff Anything

The Pride of Trailer Parks Everywhere
Source: DListed

First, it's Butter Face Cameron Diaz. Then it's Coke Ho Lohan, before the car chase and yet another rehab. Now, word on the street - - well, gossip sites - - say that the Mindfreak is "canoodling" with Britney Spears.

What is up with Mr. Angel? Is there any celebrity he won't do? How long before we hear tales of him "canoodling" with Paris Hilton?

Seriously, though, I give this "relationship" about the lifespan of Brit's "relationship" with her bodyguard and with the college guy in the pool. A guy can only handle so many Cheetos.

August 2, 2007

TomKat Goes to Berlin . . . and All They Do is Walk Around a Muddy Field

Source: DListed

Because, as you well know, there is absolutely nothing else to do in Berlin. No shopping for the idle-minded Katie to spend her days in. No parks or playgrounds for the nearly 2 year old Suri to cavort in. So TomKat, with their overabundance of intelligence and common sense, takes a helicopter (because they are so concerned about the environment) to an empty, muddy field to walk around in. I'm not sure which is more laughable - - trying to look like a normal family, while walking around an empty field, while photographers, who just happened to be there, take snaps; or Katie walking around in the mud in her high heeled shoes. Does she not own any tennis shoes or boots? Why does she only break out the heels when her diminutive husband is around? And didn't she get the memo that thick calved women should not wear capris? Particularly ones that are pleated and wide to begin with. Surely a "fashion icon" (snort) like Katie would know this. I shop at Target and I know this. Guess it's true that money does not equal common sense.

And why on earth would you put anything Burberry on your child? No wonder Suri is trying to get away. Of course, these are the people that expect us to believe that Suri is only 15 months old. Maybe in Xenu's world babies age very, very quickly.

Speaking of children, have Bella and Connor been banished to Never Never Land?

Source: D Listed