August 23, 2007

(C)Rock of Love

Source: VH-1

I am hanging my head in shame, even as I write this. I, who freely admits that I watch Scott "45 and a Fuckwit" Baio's show, and have a strange addiction with Michael Landon shows (and yes, that includes "Little House on the Prairie"), have become addicted to Bret Michaels' foray into the reality forum - - VH1's "Rock of Love". The premise is simple. BM supposedly is looking for love, and hopes that VH1 producers have somehow managed to find that one special lady in the 20 or so women they have tapped to compete on the show, to accept his aging hand and a place on the Poison tour bus. What makes this show so much more of a guilty pleasure than "The Bachelor" and its spin-offs is that the women are heavily made up of strippers, porn wanna-bes and fledgling musicians with boil-a-bunny tendencies. All of whom must compete in challenges to win either a solo or group date with Bret, in the hopes that they can spend time with him and stay on for at least another week. And the challenges run the gamut from dirtbike riding to muddy football to being able to change into sleazy rockstar girlfriend clothes in a dirty Port-A-Potty. Sounds glamorous, doesn't it?

The show has its resident slut - - Heather, who can't keep her clothes on to save her life and is currently in the fifth year of her five year plan on working as a stripper. She's the oldest 32 year old I have possibly ever seen (only beating Tom Cruise's future ex-wife because she's only 29) with a predilection for huge, Aqua Net endorsed hair and 1970s attire that Cher would have loved. Then there's Lacey, every inch Heather's equal as far as diabolical plotting goes, but far outweighs Heather in the crazy factor. Lacey sports a magenta streak through her hair, and a pierced lip and continues to baffle the audience (at least at my house) every week with her continued invite to stay. She claims to be a musician and I think everyone but Bret knows that it's only a matter of time before Lacey sets the tour bus on fire or attacks Bret in his sleep.

There's Brandi, who is not shy about burping, farting, drinking, being a tomboy or the fact that she will sleep with women (although not marry one). She seems like a good match for Bret, with the exception of recent porn-like pictures that have surfaced on the internet. Jes is a hairdresser from Chicago who has a bright pink streak through her hair and genuinely seems to have made the most sincere and honest connection with Bret. However, she is very young and that may work against her. Sam is a very emotional, very needy, person who seems to have fallen in love with Bret, but she is very obviously not cut out for the rock star lifestyle. And then there's Mia. Mia is easy to forget about because she tends to blend into the background. It's still a mystery why Bret has kept Mia in his entourage of party girls, but could it be because she might be the dark horse?

I'm thinking it's more likely that none of these women will ride off into the sunset on the tour bus.

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