September 28, 2007

Rumer Willis is Charitable

Because she allowed the Louis Braille Institute of Hair Design free reign on her head. How else to explain this monstrosity?

Let's be honest here. Brutally honest. Rumer Willis is not good looking. Even on her best pre-blonde Brillo pad day. Not unless you're into live Japanese anime figures. And bleaching your hair the color of a scarecrow's body parts, and bleaching it until it literally looks like it's screaming in pain, is not the best way to make lemonade out of what God gave you.

I'm a bitch, I know. But Rumer Willis has always confuzzled me. She has two attractive parents. Bruce Willis was the hot during his Moonlighting and Die Hard days and he's still an attractive man. Demi Moore was and is pretty - - although the fact that she looks closer to Rumer's age than Rumer does due to her half a million dollars in cosmetic surgery is a bit freaky. Maybe Demi should have thrown her kid a bone and given the cool half mil to Rumer, who needs it. Because how did the child of two nice looking people end up so weird looking? This is what I would expect the kid of the Mini Messiah to look like - - asymmetrical, weird and a bit evil.
Photo Source: DListed

September 27, 2007

The Top Ten of Crazy (aka Who's Who Among Celebrity ScienTOOLogists)

In honor of Tommy Boy's building a bunker, what with the end of the world coming via Xenu and all, and from a brilliant suggestion by Kerry (check out her website at, here is my rundown of the Top Scientologist Couples of Hollyweird. With thanks to for providing the basic list. Comments, quite naturally, are my own.

1. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Let's just get the crazy and the ick out of the way, shall we? While beliefnet lists the Cruis-azies at number two, there is no doubt that these Ron-bots should come in at number one. Not only do they garner (and court) the most press, but Tommy Boy is far and away the most verbal proponent of Scientology. Between his claims of being cured of dyslexia by perusing a thesaurus to personally getting people off heroin through Scientology methods (in three days, no less!), the Mini Messiah attempted his part at showing the thetan-infested world of wogs how beneficial Scientology truly is. Unfortunately, his ill-timed attack on both Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields, along with his recurring bizarre behavior, and his dazed and vacant third Mrs., continue to mark Mr. Cruise as more shaky than stable.

2. John Travolta and Kelly Preston. Travolta and Preston are a Scientology "success" story. At least on the surface. They have been married since 1991 - - very long term in "for the moment" Hollywood. Both have maintained their acting careers, although Ms. Preston's has been eclipsed by Mr. Travolta's. They have two children and houses in Florida, Maine and California. Before the Mini Messiah's arrival on the Scieno-scene, J.T. was The Big Cheese as far as celebrity Scieno-spokeshoes went, although he remained fairly private and quiet about his beliefs. All that came to a crashing halt when the Mini Messiah had a very public meltdown. Since then, the Travoltas have come under fire for the alleged autism (and lack of treatment) for their elder child; their unusual schedules (J.T. admits the family stays up all night and sleeps during the day); the sharing of too much information (telling the world at a premiere for his new movie that the couple would try for a third child over the summer, and the varying positions that might be necessary); and the shocking, but not surprising, picture of J.T. kissing another man.

3. Jenna Elfman and Bodhi Elfman. Like most people, you probably wonder first, who the hell Bodhi Elfman is, and second, how he can stand J.E. for any extended period of time. Jenna Elfman is quite possibly one of the most, if not the most, annoying celebrity Scientologists out there. In perhaps one of the most ignorant, offensive and repulsive remarks ever made, Ms. Elfman stated that she did not contribute to AIDS charities because "AIDS is a state of mind, not a disease." Funny, because I consider Ms. Elfman herself to be very much a disease. A disease of a waste of sperm and egg, and general mouth rot. Ms. Elfman is also fairly well known in the anti-Scientology circles as the moron who will confront anyone wearing a "Scientology is Gay" shirt with a barrage of questions about what your crimes are, and if you are a baby raper. Unfortunately for the child, Jenna and Bodhi welcomed son Story (yes, STORY) over the summer.

4. Leah Remini and Angelo Pagan. Despite both being actors, Ms. Remini is far and away the more successful of the two - - and the most verbal. She is known to send pamphlets about Scientology to fans who write her (I'm sure exactly what those fans want). Don't you just love how the celebrity Scientologists love to send random people information and make donations in their names? Not pushing or controlling there. Back to Ms. Remini. She is possibly best well known as the fellow Clam who claimed to Suri the Miracle Child first - - and proclaimed that the Cruise Clam-let was even more beautiful than her own daughter, who surely will grow up to have self-esteem issues and hopefully will write a tell-all. With Bodhi Elfman, Mr. Remini participated in the opening of the Scientology museum "Psychiatry: An Industry of Death", linking Hitler to the study of psychiatry. Next thing you know, those crazy Scientologists will find the link between poverty and Ted Bundy.

5. Beck and Marisa Ribisi. Yes, Beck is a Scientologist. Disappointing news, I know. However, and unlike many of his fellow celebrity Scientologists (including his wife), Beck does not like to discuss Scientology in interviews. Yay for Beck. He must have some dirt on Miscavaige because we do know how much the CO$ likes to have their celeb-suckers go on and on about how great they are because of Scientology. For the most part though, Beck and the Mrs. are fairly low key and therefore inoffensive.

6. Catherine Bell and Adam Beason. I hate that Catherine Bell is a celeb Scieno because I really like Army Wives. Unlike the Mini Messiah, I can watch Ms. Bell and forget that she's one of "Them". Ms. Bell defended Scientology on the Howard Stern Show (what I wouldn't give to hear Howard's take on that), claiming that Scientology made her a better actress. This I am not surprised at. I'm sure Scientology teaches you to bullshit with the best of them.

7. Laura Prepon and Christopher Kennedy Masterson. Yeah, I don't know who they are either. I didn't watch That 70s Show or Malcolm in the Middle. On Scientology's official website, Mr. Masterson is listed as having completed 11 levels of Scientology courses; Ms. Prepon 7. Ms. Prepon is obviously lagging behind. I jest, I jest. No telling how much these two have spent for Scientology's hokey, tin can courses. And yes, the Church of Scientology is lame enough to list their members and how many levels they have completed.

8. Giovanni Ribisi and Mariah O'Brien. Mr. Ribisi is the twin of Marissa Ribisi, who is married to Beck (see number 5). Talk about keeping it in the family! Mr. Ribisi claims that Scientology has kept him safely from the many Hollywood vices, although divorce is obviously not one of them, since he and Ms. O'Brien are no longer married. If Scientology can (allegedly) cure you of being gay, dyslexia and heroin, why the hell can't they keep people married?
Anyhow, Ms. O'Brien is still listed as a member of Scientology, and has attained the level of "Clear", meaning that she has been "cleared of negative influences". Like Mr. Ribisi, maybe?

9. Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf. I loved Jason Lee in Almost Famous. He's supposed to be good in My Name is Earl (I don't watch it and my TiVo can only tape so much stuff). He doesn't appear to be publicly outspoken about Scientology and that can only help his career in Hollywood. He did, however, follow some fellow Scientologists' lead and name his kid a ridiculously stupid name, which I am sure he will have to atone for in the afterlife. Mr. Lee is divorced from his first wife, after six years of marriage (a-ha! The Scientology marriage curse strikes again!) Ms. Riesgraf has given the CO$ untold sums of money, having completed 14 levels of its bogus learning techniques and courses, including the laughable "How to be a Successful Parent". It's laughable primarily because the dickwad that created them (Hubbard) was an abusive and drunk parent. Maybe Ms. Riesgraf and Mr. Lee should have taken a course in "How to be a Responsible Parent" so they wouldn't have burdened their child with a name that is guaranteed to get his ass kicked in the playground.

10. Isaac Hayes and Adjowa Hayes. Mr. Hayes, famous for being a 70s R&B icon and the voice of Chef on South Park, was a fairly low key and under the radar Scientologist until South Park aired an episode lampooning Tommy Boy Cruise and Scientology, and Hayes stomped his man heels, jumped on his Huffy bike and left in protest. Oh wait, I'm sorry - - that's what the Mini Messiah would do. Hayes just left. Hayes himself received criticism for staying with the show when it lampooned all other religions, races and sexual orientation but jumping ship when his own belief system took center stage. Mrs. Hayes is Mr. Hayes' fourth wife (I won't say it but you know I'm thinking it!) and apparently has no ties or connection to Scientology. Which means that this marriage won't last either.

My last word(s): I find it amusing that the Church of Scientology claims to be able to cure anything from homosexuality to dyslexia to drug abuse but cannot seem to find a formula to keep people happily married, or keep their members from making an ill-advised match. Of the 10 couples listed above, there are 8 divorces (and at least a couple that I think will happen within the next few years). If the Church of Scientology can "cure" people of homosexuality, why do they have so many closeted gay members? If the Church of Scientology can "cure" people of the "ailments" listed above (and I don't personally consider homosexuality an affliction and find it offensive that the Church of Scientology does), why can't they come up with cures to cancer, AIDS, etc? Why are so many members of their organization rude, abrasive and generally offensive? Why do so many of them have very little education outside of high school? (Some didn't even complete high school). Why do they so willingly turn over their money for some shlocky sci-fi story that is barely believable as fiction, much less as a so-called religion? Why can't Kirstie Alley keep the weight off? And why is it that every night eating dinner, no matter what time, the phone always rings? Excruciating questions, all.

Photo Sources:

September 26, 2007

Male Population of the Earth Beware

Photo Source: DListed

Rumor has it that Lohan is busting out of rehab this weekend. Since we all know that Lohan's coochie has never met a penis it hasn't liked, or at least wanted to invite in, this is a fair warning to all you of the non-fairer sex.

Surprisingly enough, Lohan has been in rehab in Utah since the first week of August. Not surprisingly, tales have sprung up about rehab drinking, rehab drugging and plenty of rehab sex. The most recent tale has Lohan as the wanton hussy breaking up a happy marriage. Dead Stays Alive (yeah, I never heard of them either) frontman Tony Allen's wife has filed for divorce, claiming that Mr. Allen was less than faithful while staying in the same rehab facility as Lohan and attaching the many press clippings and internet reports of his rendezvous with Lohan as supporting documentation that he was sharing the wealth. Here's where it gets interesting. Apparently Mrs. Tony Allen is some type of heiress - - her father manufactured MacDonald's burger boxes. So a huge fortune is at stake in this sure-to-be messy divorce, with Lohan in the middle. Shocker, I know.

Allen, of course, has claimed to his wife that he and Lohan are just "great friends". Meaning that his penis has seen the inside of her kitty.

To his friends, allegedly, Allen claimed that of course he slept with Lohan. Hmmm, bang a starlet whose vajayjay you could probably land one of John Travolta's planes in, or keep the goods in check and stay with your heiress wife. Seems like Tony Allen got hit with the stupid stick and hard.

Tommy Boy Prepares for Attack

The Master of Crazy . . . you can see it in his eyes
Photo Source: DListed

And since we all know that Tommy Boy is such a rational, normal human being, he's preparing for not a media attack, but for an attack from Xenu, as Xenu extracts revenge from Earth. Don't tell me you haven't heard of it, or aren't planning yourself?

You may wonder how Tommy Boy is planning. No extra jugs of water for him, or batteries for the radio or canned goods. When you are a celebrity and major movie star of Tommy Boy's calibre, it's an alleged $10 million underground bunker, to be constructed at his Colorado property. Supposedly this batty bunker will be able to sustain up to 10 people for years, will have a state of the art air purification system and space for survival equipment and years worth of supplies. One can imagine they are referring to Scientology pamphlets, e-meters, niacin, Tommy Boy's man-heels and a few pool boys are survival equipment.

September 25, 2007

Denise and Charlie's Mudslinging Continues

Photo Sources: The Bastardly and Cele/bitchy

And I'm thrilled to bits because their immature, tit-for-tat behavior keeps me entertained for days!

This time, Charlie is responding to Denise's most recent legal filing, and claims, which somehow managed to get leaked to the media within hours of their filing. Hmmmmmm.

So here is Charlie's response, which was reported on Extra (way to use the tabloids and media to your respective advantages, kids).

“I will not dignify the majority of these allegations set forth by Denise Richards with any measure of response. On its best day it remains laughable and inane. For the record, as well as for the scales of morality, the following must be clarified: Two years ago, when this circus first arrived, I chose a high road position and remained quiet and dignified. Yet, based on the resurfacing of certain specific claims, made in a severe and grievous manner, illustrating Ms. Richards poor judgment on every possible front, I must counter with these FACTS.
“The FBI was aware of these issues. I provided them with every computer I owned. The computers were returned two weeks later. Haven’t heard from them since. Period. The end. During the 18 months before my request to select my own child care provider, not a single complaint was made or received regarding the welfare of the children while under the care of myself and/or Brooke. I repeat - NOT A SINGLE COMPLAINT by either Ms. Richards herself, or her representatives and nanny.
“All of this, keep in mind, is because I asked the court to grant me the legal and God-given freedom of choice to hire my own child care provider. I have asked that the Court eliminate Ms. Richards ability to abuse and harass us any longer. One can only imagine what we’ve withstood thus far.
“Brooke and I remain committed to the task at hand. These unlawful and diabolical accusations will not distract us from the focus of our resolve. Shortly before unleashing her attack Mr. Richards asked for another baby via a sperm donation, after her divisive attempts at a reconciliation behind Brooke’s back failed. She was flat out rejected.
“I am making every possible effort to assure that the courts focus on my children and their welfare. My refusal to dignify garbage needs to be understood in the context of the history of this case and Denise’s need and desire to make it about issues that do not involve anything other than her emotions.”

You know, I think it's funny how Charlie says right off that he won't dignify Denise's allegations with a response and then goes on to respond to them. Ha!

Do I believe that Denise attempted a reconciliation, and failing that, asked for a sperm sample? Hell, yeah, I do! First, I don't think many men would make up that kind of story, outside of their having their version of a bitch session with their drinking buddies. Second, at the time this supposedly happened, Denise was unemployed - - wait, she still is - - and had broken up with Richie Sambora. The prospects didn't look so good. Denise probably has a pretty expensive lifestyle and no wealthy man to fund it for her right now. But I digress . . .

I think both of these two clowns are nuttier than the Nut Room at Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. In many ways they are actually perfect for each other and I must confess that I honestly keep waiting for the snarky bitchy backstabbing to lead to kissing and then angry "I hate you and you disgust me" sex. But hey, what do I know? That could be happening right now.

O.J.'s Girlfriend is Not a 'Ho!

He loves her for her brains . . . both of them.
Photo Source: Cele/bitchy

Or so says her mother. In the wake of O.J.'s newest legal troubles, Cathy Bellmore, mother to the Brentwood Butcher's girl-toy, Christie Prody has rushed to her daughter's defense via the media (what else?). Ms. Bellmore helpfully informed the Daily News that her daughter isn't the type to fool around with the household help, after reports surfaced that Nicole-lookalike Christie cheated on the murdering O.J. with his gardener. O.J., true to form, allegedly confronted the gardener in his home, in a rage, threatening to kill him. Well, you know, for O.J. killing the person just solves all the problems.

Ms. Bellmore continued that Christie "never cheated on a boyfriend before" and that O.J. was only her second boyfriend. How sweet . . . if her second boyfriend is the only suspect in a vicious double murder, I'd hate to see what her first boyfriend was like.

So okay, Ms. Prody isn't a 'ho. But dating someone like O.J. (who she met immediately after the double murders) proves she isn't much of a genius either.

September 21, 2007

The Denise and Charlie Show Soldiers On

Photo Source: DListed
Didn't these two get divorced like twenty years ago? Sheesh.

Okay, maybe it was really only a year or two ago, but Denise and Charlie are obviously attempting to best Britney and K. Fed as the most acrimonious and drawn-out divorce in Hollywood.

Just as a refresher, Denise originally left Charlie when she was six months pregnant with their second daughter. They attempted a reconciliation after the birth, but it failed - - as is wont to happen with overblown egos, crazed hunger for publicity, drugs and internet porn. Denise filed papers with the court, stating that Charlie was abusive, had a problem with drugs and alcohol and more specifically, a problem with porn involving children. She then promptly took up with her former friend Heather Locklear's estranged husband, Richie Sambora. Charlie, meanwhile, denied the charges and took up with some random interior designer.

Fast forward a year or so. Charlie and Denise are divorced. Denise and Richie Sambora are no more. Heather Locklear is probably laughing. Charlie and his random interior designer are now engaged. Charlie still has his Two and a Half Men sitcom. Denise is no longer welcome in Canada after that whole laptop-throwing-at-elderly-women incident. You know those Canadians are so touchy.

Lo and behold, Denise files papers in court, seeking protection for her children from Sheen. She is specifically concerned about Sheen's alleged attraction to underage girls and allegedly showing his frank and beans to random posters on the internet. Her spokesho claims that "She believes that Charlie has significant personal issues which he has failed to address and which require her to take action to protect her children. This is not a vindictive action. Any responsible parent in Denise's shoes would go to the ends of the Earth to protect her children." Uh, yeah. This is the same woman who's been accused of alerting the media as to where she'll be with her children so she can get some positive press, right? Tom Cruise would be proud!

Not to be outdone, Charlie's spokesho fired back with promises that Denise would see her day in court and the truth will prevail because it always does. Wow, that sounded very Smallville. Is Charlie part of the Justice League?

As if that's not enough (and for most of us, it surely would be), Charlie's fiancee has gotten into the mix. Probably because Denise has claimed that Charlie has only gotten engaged to make the covers of magazines. Something Denise can probably relate to. She's probably pissed that Charlie thought of it first. She also bemoans that their poor children had to find out about it from the television. I'm calling bullcrap right here because their kids are like 2 and 3. Do they watch Access Hollywood? Or the E channel? I'm thinking that they aren't going to interrupt Sponge Bob or Dora for a newsflash about Charlie Sheen's twenty-seventh engagement.

So Charlie's current sucker, I mean fiancee, has fired back, alleging that she has 40 emails from Denise that will ruin her, but is trying to take the high moral road and not release them. Seeing as how Denise has already released a few emails that the fiancee sent her, I'm guessing it's only a matter of time before we see some turnabout. Like right before the season premiere of Two and a Half Men?

I love it when wealthy people are so trashy.

Marcia and Jan?????

The greatest t.v. family of all time
Photo Source:

As very much a child born at the end of the 60s, I loved The Brady Bunch to the point of obsession. Unlike other kids born in the 60s, I still love it. I love the cheesy nature of the show, I love how none of the Bradys seemed to need any outside friends, they lived quite happily in their insular little 1970s house, with six kids sharing a bathroom (talk about a nightmare). I love too how every problem was solved in twenty-two minutes and the biggest problem the Bradys faced, besides the kids' godawful attempts at folk music, was Greg (gasp!) smoking. Of course we all know that Greg would never, ever inhale.

In the early 90s, Barry Williams (Greg, duh!) wrote a book, aptly titled Growing Up Brady. In it, he dished the dirt on how he was hot for t.v. mom Florence Henderson and even went out on a date with her. Nothing too tawdry, since Flo looked at it as a sympathy date and threw the then-teen a bone.

Not to be outdone, Maureen McCormick (Marcia, duh!) has a tell-all biography coming out next year and she hashes that she had not only a crush on her t.v. sister, Jan but admits they had a "romance" that led to some sort of sexual play.

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! Knock me over with a groovy pair of bell bottoms why don't you?
I am shocked, absolutely shocked and cannot imagine what Mike and Carol would have to say about this.

Guess Marcia and Jan weren't so innocent after all.

Marcia and Jan: Then and Now
Photo Source:

September 20, 2007

Timmy Revealed!

The day finally arrived and Ent. Lawyer came through. Timmy, and his female counterpart Shimmy, was revealed!

As expected, Alice Brady was indeed our gal, but the story was a bit more convoluted than that. You see, Alice was indeed a woman, but she was a sickly one and old Timmy (aka Arthur Blake) stepped in for her when she was too ill to perform. A brilliant idea, come up with by Alice's dear old daddy, William Brady.

Alice Brady and Arthur Blake =


September 19, 2007

J. Lo Not Preggers, Just Bloated

Photo Source: DListed
Because we all know that the slightest bump or bloat on a female celebrity of childbearing age's stomach will start the insane and unstoppable pregnancy rumors, J. Lo was the latest victim of the conception rampage.

The oh-so-reliable In Touch claimed that J. Lo was 12 weeks pregnant, had already had an ultrasound, was possibly pregnant with twins, the "miracle" occurred after an attempt at in-vitro fertilization because J. Lo and Marc Anthony had tried everything, even supposedly courting Scientology because we all know how Scientology can fix everything.

Sheesh, you would think with so-called friends this loose-lipped and anxious to talk to the weekly tabloids, you certainly wouldn't need any enemies.

Turns out that In Touch's rumors were just that - - rumors. Mr. Anthony himself claimed that J. Lo wasn't expecting and I'm sure he would know. So Ms. Lopez is safe until next month, or the next time she eats a cheeseburger.

Katie Holmes is BEAT

Photo Source: Just Jared
Seriously, girlfriend is Fug, with a capital F. WTH happened? Has she overdosed on niacin? Are the lies and deceit and subterfuge catching up with her? Does she let Tommy Boy cut her hair? It's certainly not from working too hard because Katie hasn't had a job in months now . . . oh wait, unless you count her "I'll masquerade as your wife if you give me your American Express" job that she has with the Mini Messiah.

Here she is, in all her dazed, vacant and fug glory in Berlin, with the 2 year old Miracle Child and her parents, the Holmeses, who are probably wondering who the strange robot is in their daughter's shoes.
Again, I ask, WTH happened? Is this what "loving" Tommy Boy Cruise does to you - - ages you a decade each year you are with him? And by "loving", of course, I mean signing on the dotted line in exchange for a piece of the Hollywood pie. Daaaaaayumn, at this rate, Katie will look more beat than Brooke Astor by next year and girlfriend is dead!

Countdown to the Big Timmy Reveal

Source: Yahoo
It's Wednesday and that means Ent. Lawyer is going to reveal who Timmy/Shimmy was.

Last week, he not-ted Marie Dressler, Mary Pickford, Luise Rainer and Susan Kohner. He also not-ted Robert Moore and George Noisom as Timmy and informed us that the big award was not a Golden Globe. For further clarification, he said the award was indeed an Academy Award and to think of Noah's Ark and water as a clue. WTH that means I have no idea.

I am still thinking that Alice Brady is our lady, but as far as who her male counterpart is you could tell me Lassie or Wally Beery and I'd believe it at this point.

I sure hope Ent. Lawyer posts before 5 p.m. so I can read the reveal, freak out over whoever it is, wonder how on earth I couldn't figure it out, remind myself how dense I must be and then go back to work.

The NOT-ted ladies
Photos: Yahoo

September 18, 2007

(C)Rock of Love: Bret Meets the Parents and Loses the Crazy

Ding dong, the witch is dead! Photo Source: VH-1

It finally happened. Looney Lacey finally got the (cowboy) boot on (C)Rock of Love! And what (C)Rock of Love denied us in drunks and puke, it made up for in catfights and fruit loops!

So we have the "awesome threesome" (copyright on Bret Michaels, not me) - - Heather, Jes and Looney Lacey. Bret has decided to invent the parents of the remaining "girls" to visit the (C)Rock House so that he can spend some time (i.e., twenty minutes, max) getting to know them, and they, in turn, can party with a rock star. "If you marry the girl, you marry the parents", so says Bret ever so eloquently. Wait a minute, is this The Bachelor? Who here thinks that Bret is looking for marriage? Bueller? . . . Bueller? . . .

So Heather's parents arrive first, greeted by Big John, who apparently didn't quit after having to deal with Looney Lacey's drunken ass last week. What a guy. So Big John is either really, really big or Heather's dad is pretty small. Immediately I notice that Heather looks exactly like her dad, David. But then there's Brenda, her mom. Okay, she looks a lot like her too. Heather remarks that this is only the second time in her life that she's seen them in the same room together. Interesting.
So next to show up are Jes' parents, who are about as middle-class America as you can get. Seriously, it's almost like seeing what it would be like to have my parents show up at the (C)Rock House - - except that my dad wouldn't be telling Bret about my Baby Boobie Fund. Jim (Jes' dad) even helpfully points out to us that Jes' mom, Deb, is fantastically endowed in the boob department and Jes obviously didn't inherit that. Nice.
Last, and definitely least, come Looney Lacey's father and stepmother. Wow. Looney's father is creeeeeeepy and he most definitely appears to have a trophy wife. Strangely enough, Looney and Karen, the stepmom, appear to meet for the first time at the (C)Rock House. Did Otis (Looney's dad) just marry Karen last weekend? Or has he wisely been keeping Hottie from Looney? It's a mystery.
So Looney excitedly shows off her album cover with her, quite naturally, portraying the devil while Sam played the angel. Otis appears to be horrified that his daughter would appear in such a fashion. Just wait, Otis. Just wait until you see the show, buddy!
We find out, when Bret comes in to meet the 'rents, that he actually met Otis years ago, on an airplane. Really? I would imagine that Bret, in his (C)rock star world, would travel quite a bit and meet a lot of people. It says something really, really good or really, really bad that he remembers Otis. Apparently during this first meeting years ago, Bret asked Otis if he could date Looney. Wow, so Bret was brain damaged even back then. And obviously Otis is one of those annoying people that show you pics of their families on airplanes. I am so not surprised about this.
So Brain-Damaged Bret has decided that he will take the "girls" and their parents out on "dates" so that he can get to know them. First up is Heather and Company. Bret had decided to take them to a place called Saddle Ranch, where there is actually a mechanical bull! Yeehaw! You know what that means is coming . . .
Bret offers Heather's parents some of the "beer bong" that's at the table, and while David eagerly takes Bret up on his offer, Brenda says "I don't drink that, babe". Classic! Then David tells a lengthy story about some smelly Chinese man who farted. Everyone laughs like David is Eddie Murphy, back when Eddie Murphy did stand up and was actually funny.
Then Heather rides the mechanical bull, which does a shimmy that causes Heather's "tatters" to flip and flop, and she falls off. Game over, Heather. As a side note, I do think it's funny that Heather says "tatters". I can't decide if it's cute and charming, or just a little bit redneck.
So the date with Heather's family appears to have gone well. David can obviously drink like a fish, so you know that B.D. Bret is down with that. Screw diabetes!
Next up is Jes and her fam, and Bret has decided to take them shopping at a place called Rock and Roll Religion. You know before they even go in that this place is going to be stuffed with the ugliest clothing imaginable, and is probably ridiculously expensive. Yep! Deb is immediately shown one of the most butt-ugly shirts in California, with our helpful fashion expert assuring her that the waste of fabric is "gorgeous". Yeah, thanks, Michelle.
However, Jes' fam is game and seem to know and enjoy how ridiculous they look. They really are cute. B.D. Bret wants to make sure that the Jes Fam feels "rock" before he calls it a day at the Rock and Roll Religion. They look ridiculous so I guess they do. Date over.
If you ask me, B.D. Bret spent very little time "getting to know" Jes' parents and after the lunch and drinking that Heather's parents got, Jim and Deb were shafted. Way to go, B.D. Bret.
Now we're left with Looney and her family. B.D. Bret takes them to a place called Eat (wow, those Californians are so creative). No mechanical bull at Eat. No sawdust on the floor. Certainly no beer bong.
Bret plans on getting some dirt on Looney but Otis immediately goes OT with B.D. Bret and hijacks the conversation. Otis wants to know what B.D. Bret has to offer a woman (hairpieces? a wide variety of hats?) and how he plans to end his days. Does Otis realize that B.D. Bret is only in his forties? How many people make plans for how they want to end their days? Otis is a total fruit loop.
B.D. Bret is immediately overwhelmed and compares Otis' interrogation (and rightfully so) to the Spanish inquisition. Except this would be the Fruit Loop Inquisition. He tries to change the subject by asking if there is any hot sauce on the fries, or if anyone else's mouth is burning. Otis is too wise for that, B.D. Bret. Otis saucily says "I think it's all the lies you're telling". Which would be funny, if it was coming from anybody but Looney's dad. B.D. Bret looks stunned because he hasn't had a chance to tell any lies yet, since Otis is doing all the talking. Yep, we can see where Looney got that from.
Otis continues on his quest to be even more annoying than Looney by telling B.D. Bret that he is a very wealthy man, has a lot of money and that there will be a prenup involved. You could have knocked B.D. Bret over with a bandanna at this statement, as he (and the rest of us) are wondering "who's getting married?" Otis tells B.D. Bret that Looney has her own money, she was a Presidential Scholar who doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs. Yeah, Otis knows Looney about as well as the rest of us do. Actually less, because we know that Looney does a whole lot of drinking, drugging and smoking. And the credibility of the Presidential Scholar awards just went waaaaay down. Otis obviously has no idea, not only what type of person his daughter is, but what kind of money (C)rock stars make because I'm sure that B.D. Bret does not need Looney's income.
To finish up the painful lunch, Otis drives the knife in by asking B.D. Bret if he has any hair underneath his hat. Oh, my hell! to quote the literate Heather. Now that shit is funny, but it's pretty darn offensive coming from the King of all Fruit Loops. B.D. Bret actually answers, although it's more of a snap ("Yes!") than a real answer. I'm thinking that Looney had better start packing her bags now because Otis has up and ruined this show for her. Bret ducks and jabs from Otis' verbal assault. Photo Source: VH-1
Back at the (C)rock House, Otis walks into the "girls"' bedroom, and in on Heather changing clothes. Heather claims it's creepy that Otis is staring at her "tatters" which must be really, really creepy considering that in Heather's line of work, strange men staring at her should be a hazard of the job.
Meanwhile, Looney is showing Hottie around the house and makes a point to specifically show her the stripper pole. Looney says that maybe Heather can come down and show them some moves. Ha ha. Notice that Looney neglects to share with Hottie all the gyrating and grinding Looney herself has done on the pole (not to mention, B.D. Bret's pole).
Cut to Heather, who is all rock and roll attired in a hot pink bandanna, and telling her folks exactly what challenges the "girls" have had to endure - - making out with women, fake orgasms, talking dirty on the telephone. All in a day's work for our Heather.
Now we're ready for our big group dinner. Christ, how many times in one day is B.D. Bret going to eat? If you feel somethin' a brewin', that's because Hurricane Heather is about to blow through Looneyville.
The Last Supper, (C)Rock of Love style. Photo Source: VH-1
Jes helpfully informs us that there was immense tension at the table, as soon as everyone sat down. I'm sure B.D. Bret was still smarting over Otis' question about his hair and Heather was probably wondering when Otis was going to break out the singles and give her a tip, for flashing her "tatters".
Otis thinks it's a great idea for everyone to share their background with everyone else. Can't be good. Jes shares that she worked at a salon, among other things, and also bartended. She said she left her last job because she didn't feel challenged. Jes has excellent interview techniques.
Heather shares that she has a B.A. but "fell into the dancing field". Otis was apparently pretty impressed with Heather's "tatters" because he offers to hook her up with Time-Warner, seeing as how they are a client of his and all. What does Otis do again? Heather is polite and all, but off camera she pretty much tells Otis where he can shove his job offer.
We get around to Looney and surprise, surprise, Otis lets it slip that Looney doesn't work. Now there's a shocker. And I'm sure she does work hard, Otis. Works hard at being a crazy bitch. Per Otis, Looney plays the stock market and lives off her investments. Ummmm, okay. B.D. Bret appears surprised, since he assumed that Looney was a starving artist. You know what they say about assuming, B.D. Bret. It makes an ass out of you, and you end up tied up in your tour bus, with Looney setting it on fire.
Of course, B.D. Bret being B.D. and all, he says he will not hold this against Looney. Of course not. I would hate to think, after all these weeks, that B.D. Bret might actually become reasonable.
Hurricane Heather has decided to expose Looney for the crazy, manipulative, drunk sham she is, and asks Otis if he knows that Looney knocked over something like 40 alcohol bottles in Vegas. Not only did Looney knock them over, but apparently the hotel billed her for them. Niiiiice! My compliments to the Red Rock Casino. Hurricane Heather wonders if Looney gets her partying ability from Otis. Hottie is dismayed at how Heather is treating Looney and quickly drags Looney into the other room to warn her that Heather appears to be out to get her. You think? Wow, people in the (C)rock House are so quick.
The conversation turns to where Heather and fam did lunch, and Otis is quick to criticize how trashy any place is that has a mechanical bull in it. Didn't Otis say he was from Texas? Hello? Dude probably has a mechanical bull in his house that he rides nightly. Ewww.
B.D. Bret has pretty much had enough of this group dinner, and particularly Otis, and excuses himself from the table with the oh-so-fake "wow, am I tired!" Note that Jess and her family said practically nothing during the dinner (and wisely).
Next morning (also known as Elimination Day), B.D. Bret is boxing and trying to let off steam from the Attack of Otis. Remember, B.D. Bret, you did say "marry the girl, marry her parents". You should have known those words would come back to haunt you.
Surprise of all surprises, Looney comes out to join him. I guess it would be considered in bad form for her to run into his BMB bedroom with her dad there and all. Scarily, Looney resembles a psychotic Pippi Longstocking with her ratty magenta-ish pigtails. Looney has come to apologize for her dad's appalling behavior and to explain why Otis thinks B.D. Bret is after Looney's money. Maybe because the only possible reason that someone would want to be with Looney is money? Wait, is there that much money in the world? So Looney being looney and all has to go into her narc mode and begin ratting on Heather and how Heather is never going to give up dancing and how she's completely disrespectful to her parents, dancing over their objections. Sure, Looney. I'm sure Otis would love for you to get off your lazy ass and get a job. STFU. You know you want to hit her, Bret! Photo Source: VH-1
Heather, never one to be described as timid, listens all spy-like from the other side of the shrubbery and then runs out, in her pink-tinted sunglasses and pink camo drawstring pants (I love Heather!) to confront Looney and tell her she hears her talking smack and accuses Looney of being a "master manipulator". Bring it on, Heather! Looney and Heather bicker back and forth, with Looney acting very un-Looney like, very passive and dismissive about Heather, while Heather is pointing her finger, very accusatory. B.D. Bret sits with his head down, wearing his Tough Skins jeans, like a child about to be punished. Jes is thrilled, listening to the catfight going down. Heather promises that Looney's family will see her for the creature of the night she really is. Heather stomps off back into the house and Looney, so astute in the real world, tells B.D. Bret "that didn't go good". For a Presidential Scholar, her grammar is appalling. Looney, it didn't go well, sweetie. B.D. Bret tells Looney that she needs to work things out with Heather and now.
Upstairs, Heather is ranting about what a crazy bitch Looney is to Jes, who is trying to eat a bowl of . . . something. Heather, through a bunch of bleeped out edits, wants to know why Looney hasn't told her father how many times she's B.D. Bret's since she's been in the house. Holy crap, this is getting good!
Downstairs with the crazies, Looney is teling her parents about Heather's tirade. With his head typically up his ass, Otis suggests that Looney tell Heather that he's known Looney for thirty years and obviously knows Looney a lot better than Heather. Exactly, because parents know everything about their kids, as we all know. Snort.
Enter Heather, who's ready for the final match. She reiterates that Looney's family doesn't know what a crazy bitch Looney is, and that she (Heather) is in love with B.D. Bret. Looney fires back with the painful line about her parents knowing her for thirty years and Heather issues a tirade of bleeped out words. She also accuses Looney of riding her coattails into the final three, which is probably true. Heather also tells Otis directly that classic, waiting all week for it line "Your daughter is a slut!" Wheeeeeeeeee!! Seriously, if a stripper from Vegas thinks you're a slut, well . . .
Looney attacked by Heather; Heather giving Looney the international symbol for "hello"
Photo Source: VH-1
But Heather's not done yet! No sir! She adds that Looney is the one whose done "all the sexual shit" with B.D. Bret. And for the topper - - she tells Looney "I saw you suck his d***!" Oi vey. So now we know what went down in B.D. Bret's BMB bedroom when Looney, Heather and Brandi C. were in there. Looney did.
Otis' reply? That girl is trashy. Otis sure is quick, isn't he?
So B.D. Bret is apparently still boxing outside, and missing all the fun going on inside. Otis decides to confront B.D. Bret, which should embarrass the hell out of Looney because, honestly, who wants your dad asking some man what you've done with him? But Looney being looney, she simply tags along with that clueless smile on her face.
Otis asks B.D. Bret directly if Looney swapped spit with B.D. Bret's little B.D. Bret. Horrors! Looney begins her (C)rock-odile tears and starts weeping about Heather's attack on her. You would think that Looney is five years old and just had her lunchbox stolen on the playground.
B.D. Bret dances around Otis' excruciating question and then proclaims himself not to be a problem solver. Duh.
The moment of truth.
Photo Source: VH-1
Eliminations. The parents stand behind the "girls". Heather is the most unstripper-like she's ever looked at elimination. Her dress is actually (gasp!) pretty and not too revealing! Lord help us, the apocalypse is here!
B.D. Bret thanks the parents for coming but then basically tells them to get the eff out, since it's his show. So the parents exit, leaving B.D. Bret with his weekly painful chore of deciding who's gonna stay and who's gonna go.
Jes gets a pass immediately which is a no brainer. B.D. Bret then verbally deliberates on whether he should choose Heather or Looney. Heather is devoted because she got that hideous tattoo of B.D. Bret's name on her neck and all and Looney is crazy. Okay, well, he said driven, but we know what he meant. You know he's weighing all the sex he's had in the (C)rock House with Looney in his mind right now. Crazy sex . . . her dad . . . crazy sex . . . her dad.
Holding the last remaining pass, B.D. Bret calls Looney down to join him. Cut to Heather, who rolls her eyes in disgust.
B.D. Bret tells Looney that he's seen two sides to her, while Looney bobs her head up and down like a bobblehead doll. He tells her that there's a side of her he loves (yeah, probably the back of her head) and a side that confuses him. Why is that not hard to believe? B.D. Bret feels that the confusing side could ruin their relationship. Never say B.D. Bret isn't quick. He tells Looney that her tour ends here. And the crowds rejoice!
Silly Heather for thinking that she was getting sent home. Heather comes down from the (C)rock podium to claim her pass and with B.D. Bret promising her that they will work through stuff and make this awesome. Yeah, and maybe you can put a note in her locker too.
So Jes comes down to join them, they break open their cans of Bret's Brew and B.D. Bret informs them that they will be leaving in the morning for Cabo! Party on!
Photos: VH-1

September 14, 2007

DVD Pick: The Thin Man (1934)

Image: Amazon Source: Yahoo

The Thin Man (1934) is not only one of my favorite movies, but one of the best films to come out of Hollywood in the chock-full-of-classics 1930s.

Based on a novel by Dashiel Hammett, it stars the dashing and debonair William Powell as detective Nick Charles, and Myrna Loy as his devoted wife, Nora. The plot is your typical, somewhat recycled fare. A scientist goes missing and a series of murders happen, which are made to look like the scientist is committing. Nick is hired to find the scientist and find who the killer is. Nora and Asta, the couple's terrier, are along for the ride.


What makes this film so charming, so classic and a definite PS DVD pick, are the two leads. This was the film that introduced me to William Powell and it was the start of a cinematic love affair that has never waned. Mr. Powell was simply born to play Nick Charles, a witty, debonair classy gentlemen (which apparently Mr. Powell was in real life). Teaming him with Myrna Loy as his cinematic wife was pure genius. The two of them together have a chemistry that has not been matched since. Although it is nearly 20 minutes before either Powell or Loy enter the film, once they do you simply cannot tear yourself away. Just at the tail end of the Pre-Code era, The Thin Man abounds with witty repartee and razor sharp one liners. The script is honed to perfection, the director is flawless and the cinematography cannot be topped.

The King and Queen of Comedy
Photo Source: Yahoo
It's amazing to think that this film was shot in a minuscule 16 days! My only complaint is that the movie ends - - fortunately, sequels abound! Definitely recommended for repeat viewings and for your own personal movie library.