September 18, 2007

(C)Rock of Love: Bret Meets the Parents and Loses the Crazy

Ding dong, the witch is dead! Photo Source: VH-1

It finally happened. Looney Lacey finally got the (cowboy) boot on (C)Rock of Love! And what (C)Rock of Love denied us in drunks and puke, it made up for in catfights and fruit loops!

So we have the "awesome threesome" (copyright on Bret Michaels, not me) - - Heather, Jes and Looney Lacey. Bret has decided to invent the parents of the remaining "girls" to visit the (C)Rock House so that he can spend some time (i.e., twenty minutes, max) getting to know them, and they, in turn, can party with a rock star. "If you marry the girl, you marry the parents", so says Bret ever so eloquently. Wait a minute, is this The Bachelor? Who here thinks that Bret is looking for marriage? Bueller? . . . Bueller? . . .

So Heather's parents arrive first, greeted by Big John, who apparently didn't quit after having to deal with Looney Lacey's drunken ass last week. What a guy. So Big John is either really, really big or Heather's dad is pretty small. Immediately I notice that Heather looks exactly like her dad, David. But then there's Brenda, her mom. Okay, she looks a lot like her too. Heather remarks that this is only the second time in her life that she's seen them in the same room together. Interesting.
So next to show up are Jes' parents, who are about as middle-class America as you can get. Seriously, it's almost like seeing what it would be like to have my parents show up at the (C)Rock House - - except that my dad wouldn't be telling Bret about my Baby Boobie Fund. Jim (Jes' dad) even helpfully points out to us that Jes' mom, Deb, is fantastically endowed in the boob department and Jes obviously didn't inherit that. Nice.
Last, and definitely least, come Looney Lacey's father and stepmother. Wow. Looney's father is creeeeeeepy and he most definitely appears to have a trophy wife. Strangely enough, Looney and Karen, the stepmom, appear to meet for the first time at the (C)Rock House. Did Otis (Looney's dad) just marry Karen last weekend? Or has he wisely been keeping Hottie from Looney? It's a mystery.
So Looney excitedly shows off her album cover with her, quite naturally, portraying the devil while Sam played the angel. Otis appears to be horrified that his daughter would appear in such a fashion. Just wait, Otis. Just wait until you see the show, buddy!
We find out, when Bret comes in to meet the 'rents, that he actually met Otis years ago, on an airplane. Really? I would imagine that Bret, in his (C)rock star world, would travel quite a bit and meet a lot of people. It says something really, really good or really, really bad that he remembers Otis. Apparently during this first meeting years ago, Bret asked Otis if he could date Looney. Wow, so Bret was brain damaged even back then. And obviously Otis is one of those annoying people that show you pics of their families on airplanes. I am so not surprised about this.
So Brain-Damaged Bret has decided that he will take the "girls" and their parents out on "dates" so that he can get to know them. First up is Heather and Company. Bret had decided to take them to a place called Saddle Ranch, where there is actually a mechanical bull! Yeehaw! You know what that means is coming . . .
Bret offers Heather's parents some of the "beer bong" that's at the table, and while David eagerly takes Bret up on his offer, Brenda says "I don't drink that, babe". Classic! Then David tells a lengthy story about some smelly Chinese man who farted. Everyone laughs like David is Eddie Murphy, back when Eddie Murphy did stand up and was actually funny.
Then Heather rides the mechanical bull, which does a shimmy that causes Heather's "tatters" to flip and flop, and she falls off. Game over, Heather. As a side note, I do think it's funny that Heather says "tatters". I can't decide if it's cute and charming, or just a little bit redneck.
So the date with Heather's family appears to have gone well. David can obviously drink like a fish, so you know that B.D. Bret is down with that. Screw diabetes!
Next up is Jes and her fam, and Bret has decided to take them shopping at a place called Rock and Roll Religion. You know before they even go in that this place is going to be stuffed with the ugliest clothing imaginable, and is probably ridiculously expensive. Yep! Deb is immediately shown one of the most butt-ugly shirts in California, with our helpful fashion expert assuring her that the waste of fabric is "gorgeous". Yeah, thanks, Michelle.
However, Jes' fam is game and seem to know and enjoy how ridiculous they look. They really are cute. B.D. Bret wants to make sure that the Jes Fam feels "rock" before he calls it a day at the Rock and Roll Religion. They look ridiculous so I guess they do. Date over.
If you ask me, B.D. Bret spent very little time "getting to know" Jes' parents and after the lunch and drinking that Heather's parents got, Jim and Deb were shafted. Way to go, B.D. Bret.
Now we're left with Looney and her family. B.D. Bret takes them to a place called Eat (wow, those Californians are so creative). No mechanical bull at Eat. No sawdust on the floor. Certainly no beer bong.
Bret plans on getting some dirt on Looney but Otis immediately goes OT with B.D. Bret and hijacks the conversation. Otis wants to know what B.D. Bret has to offer a woman (hairpieces? a wide variety of hats?) and how he plans to end his days. Does Otis realize that B.D. Bret is only in his forties? How many people make plans for how they want to end their days? Otis is a total fruit loop.
B.D. Bret is immediately overwhelmed and compares Otis' interrogation (and rightfully so) to the Spanish inquisition. Except this would be the Fruit Loop Inquisition. He tries to change the subject by asking if there is any hot sauce on the fries, or if anyone else's mouth is burning. Otis is too wise for that, B.D. Bret. Otis saucily says "I think it's all the lies you're telling". Which would be funny, if it was coming from anybody but Looney's dad. B.D. Bret looks stunned because he hasn't had a chance to tell any lies yet, since Otis is doing all the talking. Yep, we can see where Looney got that from.
Otis continues on his quest to be even more annoying than Looney by telling B.D. Bret that he is a very wealthy man, has a lot of money and that there will be a prenup involved. You could have knocked B.D. Bret over with a bandanna at this statement, as he (and the rest of us) are wondering "who's getting married?" Otis tells B.D. Bret that Looney has her own money, she was a Presidential Scholar who doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs. Yeah, Otis knows Looney about as well as the rest of us do. Actually less, because we know that Looney does a whole lot of drinking, drugging and smoking. And the credibility of the Presidential Scholar awards just went waaaaay down. Otis obviously has no idea, not only what type of person his daughter is, but what kind of money (C)rock stars make because I'm sure that B.D. Bret does not need Looney's income.
To finish up the painful lunch, Otis drives the knife in by asking B.D. Bret if he has any hair underneath his hat. Oh, my hell! to quote the literate Heather. Now that shit is funny, but it's pretty darn offensive coming from the King of all Fruit Loops. B.D. Bret actually answers, although it's more of a snap ("Yes!") than a real answer. I'm thinking that Looney had better start packing her bags now because Otis has up and ruined this show for her. Bret ducks and jabs from Otis' verbal assault. Photo Source: VH-1
Back at the (C)rock House, Otis walks into the "girls"' bedroom, and in on Heather changing clothes. Heather claims it's creepy that Otis is staring at her "tatters" which must be really, really creepy considering that in Heather's line of work, strange men staring at her should be a hazard of the job.
Meanwhile, Looney is showing Hottie around the house and makes a point to specifically show her the stripper pole. Looney says that maybe Heather can come down and show them some moves. Ha ha. Notice that Looney neglects to share with Hottie all the gyrating and grinding Looney herself has done on the pole (not to mention, B.D. Bret's pole).
Cut to Heather, who is all rock and roll attired in a hot pink bandanna, and telling her folks exactly what challenges the "girls" have had to endure - - making out with women, fake orgasms, talking dirty on the telephone. All in a day's work for our Heather.
Now we're ready for our big group dinner. Christ, how many times in one day is B.D. Bret going to eat? If you feel somethin' a brewin', that's because Hurricane Heather is about to blow through Looneyville.
The Last Supper, (C)Rock of Love style. Photo Source: VH-1
Jes helpfully informs us that there was immense tension at the table, as soon as everyone sat down. I'm sure B.D. Bret was still smarting over Otis' question about his hair and Heather was probably wondering when Otis was going to break out the singles and give her a tip, for flashing her "tatters".
Otis thinks it's a great idea for everyone to share their background with everyone else. Can't be good. Jes shares that she worked at a salon, among other things, and also bartended. She said she left her last job because she didn't feel challenged. Jes has excellent interview techniques.
Heather shares that she has a B.A. but "fell into the dancing field". Otis was apparently pretty impressed with Heather's "tatters" because he offers to hook her up with Time-Warner, seeing as how they are a client of his and all. What does Otis do again? Heather is polite and all, but off camera she pretty much tells Otis where he can shove his job offer.
We get around to Looney and surprise, surprise, Otis lets it slip that Looney doesn't work. Now there's a shocker. And I'm sure she does work hard, Otis. Works hard at being a crazy bitch. Per Otis, Looney plays the stock market and lives off her investments. Ummmm, okay. B.D. Bret appears surprised, since he assumed that Looney was a starving artist. You know what they say about assuming, B.D. Bret. It makes an ass out of you, and you end up tied up in your tour bus, with Looney setting it on fire.
Of course, B.D. Bret being B.D. and all, he says he will not hold this against Looney. Of course not. I would hate to think, after all these weeks, that B.D. Bret might actually become reasonable.
Hurricane Heather has decided to expose Looney for the crazy, manipulative, drunk sham she is, and asks Otis if he knows that Looney knocked over something like 40 alcohol bottles in Vegas. Not only did Looney knock them over, but apparently the hotel billed her for them. Niiiiice! My compliments to the Red Rock Casino. Hurricane Heather wonders if Looney gets her partying ability from Otis. Hottie is dismayed at how Heather is treating Looney and quickly drags Looney into the other room to warn her that Heather appears to be out to get her. You think? Wow, people in the (C)rock House are so quick.
The conversation turns to where Heather and fam did lunch, and Otis is quick to criticize how trashy any place is that has a mechanical bull in it. Didn't Otis say he was from Texas? Hello? Dude probably has a mechanical bull in his house that he rides nightly. Ewww.
B.D. Bret has pretty much had enough of this group dinner, and particularly Otis, and excuses himself from the table with the oh-so-fake "wow, am I tired!" Note that Jess and her family said practically nothing during the dinner (and wisely).
Next morning (also known as Elimination Day), B.D. Bret is boxing and trying to let off steam from the Attack of Otis. Remember, B.D. Bret, you did say "marry the girl, marry her parents". You should have known those words would come back to haunt you.
Surprise of all surprises, Looney comes out to join him. I guess it would be considered in bad form for her to run into his BMB bedroom with her dad there and all. Scarily, Looney resembles a psychotic Pippi Longstocking with her ratty magenta-ish pigtails. Looney has come to apologize for her dad's appalling behavior and to explain why Otis thinks B.D. Bret is after Looney's money. Maybe because the only possible reason that someone would want to be with Looney is money? Wait, is there that much money in the world? So Looney being looney and all has to go into her narc mode and begin ratting on Heather and how Heather is never going to give up dancing and how she's completely disrespectful to her parents, dancing over their objections. Sure, Looney. I'm sure Otis would love for you to get off your lazy ass and get a job. STFU. You know you want to hit her, Bret! Photo Source: VH-1
Heather, never one to be described as timid, listens all spy-like from the other side of the shrubbery and then runs out, in her pink-tinted sunglasses and pink camo drawstring pants (I love Heather!) to confront Looney and tell her she hears her talking smack and accuses Looney of being a "master manipulator". Bring it on, Heather! Looney and Heather bicker back and forth, with Looney acting very un-Looney like, very passive and dismissive about Heather, while Heather is pointing her finger, very accusatory. B.D. Bret sits with his head down, wearing his Tough Skins jeans, like a child about to be punished. Jes is thrilled, listening to the catfight going down. Heather promises that Looney's family will see her for the creature of the night she really is. Heather stomps off back into the house and Looney, so astute in the real world, tells B.D. Bret "that didn't go good". For a Presidential Scholar, her grammar is appalling. Looney, it didn't go well, sweetie. B.D. Bret tells Looney that she needs to work things out with Heather and now.
Upstairs, Heather is ranting about what a crazy bitch Looney is to Jes, who is trying to eat a bowl of . . . something. Heather, through a bunch of bleeped out edits, wants to know why Looney hasn't told her father how many times she's B.D. Bret's since she's been in the house. Holy crap, this is getting good!
Downstairs with the crazies, Looney is teling her parents about Heather's tirade. With his head typically up his ass, Otis suggests that Looney tell Heather that he's known Looney for thirty years and obviously knows Looney a lot better than Heather. Exactly, because parents know everything about their kids, as we all know. Snort.
Enter Heather, who's ready for the final match. She reiterates that Looney's family doesn't know what a crazy bitch Looney is, and that she (Heather) is in love with B.D. Bret. Looney fires back with the painful line about her parents knowing her for thirty years and Heather issues a tirade of bleeped out words. She also accuses Looney of riding her coattails into the final three, which is probably true. Heather also tells Otis directly that classic, waiting all week for it line "Your daughter is a slut!" Wheeeeeeeeee!! Seriously, if a stripper from Vegas thinks you're a slut, well . . .
Looney attacked by Heather; Heather giving Looney the international symbol for "hello"
Photo Source: VH-1
But Heather's not done yet! No sir! She adds that Looney is the one whose done "all the sexual shit" with B.D. Bret. And for the topper - - she tells Looney "I saw you suck his d***!" Oi vey. So now we know what went down in B.D. Bret's BMB bedroom when Looney, Heather and Brandi C. were in there. Looney did.
Otis' reply? That girl is trashy. Otis sure is quick, isn't he?
So B.D. Bret is apparently still boxing outside, and missing all the fun going on inside. Otis decides to confront B.D. Bret, which should embarrass the hell out of Looney because, honestly, who wants your dad asking some man what you've done with him? But Looney being looney, she simply tags along with that clueless smile on her face.
Otis asks B.D. Bret directly if Looney swapped spit with B.D. Bret's little B.D. Bret. Horrors! Looney begins her (C)rock-odile tears and starts weeping about Heather's attack on her. You would think that Looney is five years old and just had her lunchbox stolen on the playground.
B.D. Bret dances around Otis' excruciating question and then proclaims himself not to be a problem solver. Duh.
The moment of truth.
Photo Source: VH-1
Eliminations. The parents stand behind the "girls". Heather is the most unstripper-like she's ever looked at elimination. Her dress is actually (gasp!) pretty and not too revealing! Lord help us, the apocalypse is here!
B.D. Bret thanks the parents for coming but then basically tells them to get the eff out, since it's his show. So the parents exit, leaving B.D. Bret with his weekly painful chore of deciding who's gonna stay and who's gonna go.
Jes gets a pass immediately which is a no brainer. B.D. Bret then verbally deliberates on whether he should choose Heather or Looney. Heather is devoted because she got that hideous tattoo of B.D. Bret's name on her neck and all and Looney is crazy. Okay, well, he said driven, but we know what he meant. You know he's weighing all the sex he's had in the (C)rock House with Looney in his mind right now. Crazy sex . . . her dad . . . crazy sex . . . her dad.
Holding the last remaining pass, B.D. Bret calls Looney down to join him. Cut to Heather, who rolls her eyes in disgust.
B.D. Bret tells Looney that he's seen two sides to her, while Looney bobs her head up and down like a bobblehead doll. He tells her that there's a side of her he loves (yeah, probably the back of her head) and a side that confuses him. Why is that not hard to believe? B.D. Bret feels that the confusing side could ruin their relationship. Never say B.D. Bret isn't quick. He tells Looney that her tour ends here. And the crowds rejoice!
Silly Heather for thinking that she was getting sent home. Heather comes down from the (C)rock podium to claim her pass and with B.D. Bret promising her that they will work through stuff and make this awesome. Yeah, and maybe you can put a note in her locker too.
So Jes comes down to join them, they break open their cans of Bret's Brew and B.D. Bret informs them that they will be leaving in the morning for Cabo! Party on!
Photos: VH-1

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