September 11, 2007

(C)Rock of Love: Sloppy Drunk in Vegas

Bret Rockin' the House
Photo Source: VH-1

I know this show is crap. I know it's about as real as Tommy Boy and Katie's relationship. But I am addicted to it all the same, and am on the edge of my seat, as the final countdown approaches.
This week's show takes place in Sin City - - Vegas, baby! Bret thinks it's high time the girls (is it just me or is the term "girls" a bit derogatory, since we are talking about 2 women in their 30s and 2 in their 20s?) see him as "Bret Michaels the Rock Star". Ummm, I thought that was what they had been seeing the past weeks, what with the bandanna, extensions, ever-present cowboy hat, guyliner, drinkfests and running to the studio? But I digress. The "girls" are going to see "Bret Michaels the Rock Star" by packing up and jumping on a tour bus to Vegas, where Bret is going to put on a show. Naturally, Heather is thrilled because she's returning home, after all. Brandi too lives in Vegas but doesn't seem as excited. Maybe a sign of what's to come?
So the (C)Rock of Love entourage arrives at the Red Rock Casino and Resort (yeah, I've never heard of it either) and the ho-testants immediately go about groupie-ing themselves up for attending Bret's concert - - Brandi soaks in a tub, holding a glass of . . . something . . . while Jess teases her hair into Sonic the Hedgehog levels and Heather and Looney Lacey actually bathe together. Ewwwww. I hope that bathwater has seriously been liberally doused with Lysol. So Big John gets the "girls", outfitted in their finest groupie gear and as much as it pains me to say it, Heather actually looks good. Well, besides the ridiculous Yeti pants. For once, her makeup is tame and her hair hasn't been subjected to two full cans of AquaNet. Heather as Yeti the Groupie
Photo Source: VH-1

The "girls" inform us that they were front row at Bret's concert and I have to wonder how much they started drinking prior to the show because it's pretty clear from the tape that the "girls" were actually off to the side of the stage, where the roadies and stagehands generally hang. Regardless, they all seem to be lookin' for nothin' but a good time, as they pretend to sing along with Bret's solo music and shake their groove things. The concert ends and the "girls" are taken backstage, along with Bret's band and the alcohol starts flowing. It seems like within mere minutes both Looney Lacey and Brandi are three sheets to the wind - - lightweights!

Photo Source: VH-1

Have they or have they not been living in the (C)Rock of Love house these past few weeks, where the bar is open 24/7? And isn't Brandi a stripper from Vegas? She should have alcohol tolerance of frightening proportions. Apparently not. Lesson 1 from this episode: Lacey is a sloppy, messy drunk. Girlfriend cannot hold her liquor. Maybe because she's on medication, as she admitted to the Superfans last week, and she should seriously reconsider mixing her pills with alcohol. Lacey picks this time to work on her previously agreed upon plan with Heather to get Brandi kicked out - - a plan that consists of being an annoying, aggravating drunk. Problem is that Brandi is also drunk and rather than cause Brandi to break down, Lacey incites Brandy to fart on her (although Brandi considerately gives Lacey warning: "Get the fuck away from me, I just farted"). Cllllllll-ASSAAAY. So Lacey's reaction is to get right into Brandi's face and then pour vodka on her, while asking Brandi to give her what she's got, which I guess makes perfect sense if you're a drunk competing for Bret Michaels' hand on a reality show. Thankfully, Big John enters the room, shortly after the band leaves and immediately after Lacey stumbles over Heather the Yeti on the floor. Heather isn't drunk, she is simply quietly observing all the insanity that is going on, and getting more and more disgusted with Lacey by the minute, since Lacey can't seem to know when to cut herself off or hold it together. Lesson 2 from this episode: do not form alliances with sloppy, messy drunks. Big John is having none of Lacey's drunken ass either and tells her to shut the fuck up and "come on!" Lacey sticks her hand out, asking for Big John to help her to her drunken feet, and Big John turns his back on her and walks off. Way to go, Big John! The "girls" have to walk thru the casino to get to their prearranged dinner with Bret, post-show, and Lacey is holding on to Big John because she's so drunk she cannot even walk her usual baby giraffe walk. Does anyone else notice that girlfriend walks like she has never been in heels in her life? That she walks like a man in heels? I mean, gangly isn't even the right word. She is about as ungraceful as they come. Photo Source: VH-1

The "girls" arrive for their dinner, which appears to be Bret's red, red room at the Red Rock Casino. There is a bar, complete with bartender who obviously has no idea what type of pain he's in for. Lacey, being looney and all, proceeds to climb up on the bar and be a general pain in the ass. Jess aptly tells the camera that Lacey is like "a cracked out cat". Based on the next shot, of Lacey falling on the bar, I think calling her a cracked out cat is much too generous.
Bret then shows up and informs us that he left the "girls" alone with his band for only 15 minutes! Holy crap, that is funny. So Jess urges Lacey to pull it together, showing a lot more patience than I would. Heck, let Looney Lacey crash and burn. Bret seems irritated and shocked at the drunken shenanigans that have been going on. Shocking, as he is a rock star. And let's not forget he dated Pamela Anderson. Not exactly the type of person you would guess that's knitting scarves and blankets and reading her Bible in the back of the tour bus. Lacey quickly crashes and although it's not clear from the video, the sound effects make me think she's puking on the floor. Lovely. My dinner would have been ruined. But not Heather! Heather cannot wait to jump into the lovely seafood on the table. Bret calls Big John, who I'm sure was negotiating for a larger salary after this episode. Big John picks up the drunken sack of potatoes that was Lacey before 15 minutes with the band, and carries her sorry ass outta there. Brandi is the next victim. Heather quickly picks up that Brandi is sickened by oysters and true to her stripper, cutthroat nature, Heather begins slurping up oysters in the most disgusting way, while informing Brandi that they are "yumola". Lesson 3 from this episode: don't fuck with a stripper while you're drunk. Brandi immediately begins spewing in her napkin, and Jess and Bret have to escort her to the bathroom and hold her head over the toilet. Jess makes the best comment of the episode, if not one of the best of the entire series: "Bret should have known it was going to be impossible to have a nice dinner with two drunk Fruit Loops and a fucking hungry stripper!" Classic! Priceless! Feeling major amounts of Jess-love. Heather, meanwhile, yawns, looks bored, and continues eating, while calling her fallen comrades "rookies", and then applying massive amounts of frosted lip gloss. Love. It.

The hungry stripper.
Photo Source: VH-1

Over in the red, red bathroom - - Brandi makes a drunken admission of love to Bret and Bret actually tells the camera that this was one of the most touching things ever said to him in his life. Once again, dude is a rock star. Surely he's heard this before. Is he really that much of a doofus? So Brandi is carted off to bed and Bret decides that due to Jess' ability to handle drunks, he wants to spend the night with her. Heather is peeved and she and her Yeti pants, complete with frosty lips, exit, along with the table full of food. Score! Lesson 4 from this episode: strippers can eat. And as a brief aside, I actually am starting to like Heather.

Photo Source: VH-1

So we're subjected to seeing Bret sticking his tongue down Jess' throat and then we flash to the next morning, where Jess does the walk of shame from Bret's red, red room, after being informed that she is being sent back to the ROL house in Cali - - Bret's logic being that he has already made a connection with her and he needs to spend more time with the other "girls". Translation: Bret already scored with Jess, so let's get her out of the way, so he can hook up with at least one other. Exit Jess.

Back in the suite the remaining ho-testants are sharing, a broken down and hungover Brandi informs Heather and Lacey that she has decided that Bret is not for her. Huh? Is this the pain of a hangover talking, or is she serious? And if she's serious, why on earth share this valuable information with a looney and a hungry stripper? The "girls" join Bret by the hotel pool (because laying out in the sun is exactly what the doctor ordered when you're seriously hung over and/or suffering from alcohol poisoning, as Brandi suggests) and he informs them that he has arranged for each of them to have a massage with him, separately, so that he might spend some alone time with each. Heather is up first and while we think that she will surely spill the Brandi beans, she manages to keep her piehole shut. About that. She does, however, tell Bret that she can envision them spending their lives together. Uh-huh. Then Brandi goes in and, contradicting what she earlier blabbed to Looney and Yeti, tells Bret that she likes him and wants to be with him. I think I need a scorecard. So then Looney is up and as we all know and can depend on, she spends her time with Bret blabbing about how Brandi wants to leave and has decided Bret isn't for her. Bret looks confused and with justification. Is he confused about Brandi's about face? Is he confused about the fact that Looney spends all her time ratting out the other girls? Is he confused as to why Looney looks like the Antichrist after a night of drinking and wearing a red bikini top? Or maybe he's confused as to why, when he tells Looney he feels she's malicious, she readily agrees with him? It's a mystery.

So Bret sends Brandi home, to join Jess in relaxing by the ROL pool. He's now left with Looney and Yeti. The terrible trio share dinner together and Bret asks Heather why she thinks they should be together. Heather actually gives a halfway intelligent answer, but leave it up to Looney to ruin the moment and put all the focus on her. She begins talking about how emotional her mother's death was and busts out the fake tears once again. Heather's expression is priceless and I have to be on her side with wondering exactly what this has to do with Heather being with Bret. Lacey whines about how she hasn't been able to spend any one-on-one time together with Bret and Heather missed a perfect opportunity to remind her that Looney hasn't had the time because she hasn't won a damn challenge yet! Bret seems to agree with Looney, though, and has also conveniently forgotten all the one-on-one time that he has spent with Looney in his BMB bedroom at the ROL house, where Looney spent all that time tattling and ratting on her housemates. Bret falls for the fake tears and emotion and tells Heather that he is going to spend the evening with Looney. Heather officially decides that she is no longer on Team Lacey and severs their alliance. Lesson 5 from this episode: Don't stab your teammate in the back, particularly if she works a pole for a living. This decision will surely come back to haunt Looney in the future.

Photo Source: VH-1
So Looney and Bret go back to Bret's red, red room, where he presumably spent the night with Jess the night before. God, I hope they changed those sheets. Bret claims that he wants to spend time chatting with Looney, but they don't exchange more than a sentence apiece, before he's walking her into the bedroom, where roses have been scattered all over the bed. Cut and cue to the next morning, where it's a repeat of the walk of the shame with Jess from the day before. Exception being that Jess knows how to walk without looking like a gorilla.

The last two standing.
Photo Source: VH-1

Now we're up to eliminations and the pressure is on. Heather actually looks decent! Well, except for the normal dress cut down to here, and up to here. But her hair is, again, unteased. Jesus, did she run out AquaNet? So Jess gets the first pass, presumably because Bret nailed her first. And then Looney gets hers. WTF? And I swear if I have to hear Bret justifying his Looney pass one more time ("I know no one else likes her, but it's my decision to make"), I will seriously jump thru the t.v. screen and strangle Bret with his own hair extension. So it's down to Heather and Brandi. Both ho-testants look nervous and Heather, for once, can't spout her go-to line about how she's "golden". Bret cuts into Heather first, claiming that he's not sure exactly why Heather is there. Did I miss something? This might have been appropriate about 5 or 6 episodes ago, but this ho got his name tattooed on her neck last week! He sure wasn't questioning her then. Did Bret hit his head? Did I? Heather is rightfully pissed and probably wondering how she can change that "Bret" tattoo and says she wants to go home. (Flashes of Sam). She then pulls a drowning man maneuver and reminds Bret of what Brandi said in Vegas. Bret confronts Brandi about her contradiction. Brandi then says that she can see Bret with Heather or Jess, but not with her. Bret asks her if she can stay in the house and Brandi says that she doesn't think she can let her guard down. Bret looks shocked (I'm sure he's thinking "Whassa goin' on?") and then lectures Brandi about messing with people's emotions. Whaaaa? Last time I checked, Bret boned Jess one night and Looney the next and now he's lecturing one of the two "girls" he didn't poke about messing with emotions? Whatever.
So Bret tells Brandi to have a nice life and she's shown the door, with Big John following her. Heather is left as the last (wo)man standing and thus gets a pass by default. Although they never show the pass and I'm thinking that Bret was about to cut Heather. He claims he's not sure about her motivations and her being a stripper, but I'm thinking it's partly due to Heather's age and the fact that although she's obviously into him, she's not starry eyed like the others could be.
So now we're down to the Terrible Threesome - - Heather, Jess and Looney. Next week looks promising - -it's Meet the Parents! Seriously cannot wait. I'm dying to see what kind of evil people would spawn Looney, and exactly how trailer park Heather's parents will be. From the previews, it looks like the Dad of Looney confronts Bret, and Heather tells the Dad of Looney that his daughter is a slut. Awesome! Program your TiVos and DVRS!

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