September 27, 2007

The Top Ten of Crazy (aka Who's Who Among Celebrity ScienTOOLogists)

In honor of Tommy Boy's building a bunker, what with the end of the world coming via Xenu and all, and from a brilliant suggestion by Kerry (check out her website at, here is my rundown of the Top Scientologist Couples of Hollyweird. With thanks to for providing the basic list. Comments, quite naturally, are my own.

1. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Let's just get the crazy and the ick out of the way, shall we? While beliefnet lists the Cruis-azies at number two, there is no doubt that these Ron-bots should come in at number one. Not only do they garner (and court) the most press, but Tommy Boy is far and away the most verbal proponent of Scientology. Between his claims of being cured of dyslexia by perusing a thesaurus to personally getting people off heroin through Scientology methods (in three days, no less!), the Mini Messiah attempted his part at showing the thetan-infested world of wogs how beneficial Scientology truly is. Unfortunately, his ill-timed attack on both Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields, along with his recurring bizarre behavior, and his dazed and vacant third Mrs., continue to mark Mr. Cruise as more shaky than stable.

2. John Travolta and Kelly Preston. Travolta and Preston are a Scientology "success" story. At least on the surface. They have been married since 1991 - - very long term in "for the moment" Hollywood. Both have maintained their acting careers, although Ms. Preston's has been eclipsed by Mr. Travolta's. They have two children and houses in Florida, Maine and California. Before the Mini Messiah's arrival on the Scieno-scene, J.T. was The Big Cheese as far as celebrity Scieno-spokeshoes went, although he remained fairly private and quiet about his beliefs. All that came to a crashing halt when the Mini Messiah had a very public meltdown. Since then, the Travoltas have come under fire for the alleged autism (and lack of treatment) for their elder child; their unusual schedules (J.T. admits the family stays up all night and sleeps during the day); the sharing of too much information (telling the world at a premiere for his new movie that the couple would try for a third child over the summer, and the varying positions that might be necessary); and the shocking, but not surprising, picture of J.T. kissing another man.

3. Jenna Elfman and Bodhi Elfman. Like most people, you probably wonder first, who the hell Bodhi Elfman is, and second, how he can stand J.E. for any extended period of time. Jenna Elfman is quite possibly one of the most, if not the most, annoying celebrity Scientologists out there. In perhaps one of the most ignorant, offensive and repulsive remarks ever made, Ms. Elfman stated that she did not contribute to AIDS charities because "AIDS is a state of mind, not a disease." Funny, because I consider Ms. Elfman herself to be very much a disease. A disease of a waste of sperm and egg, and general mouth rot. Ms. Elfman is also fairly well known in the anti-Scientology circles as the moron who will confront anyone wearing a "Scientology is Gay" shirt with a barrage of questions about what your crimes are, and if you are a baby raper. Unfortunately for the child, Jenna and Bodhi welcomed son Story (yes, STORY) over the summer.

4. Leah Remini and Angelo Pagan. Despite both being actors, Ms. Remini is far and away the more successful of the two - - and the most verbal. She is known to send pamphlets about Scientology to fans who write her (I'm sure exactly what those fans want). Don't you just love how the celebrity Scientologists love to send random people information and make donations in their names? Not pushing or controlling there. Back to Ms. Remini. She is possibly best well known as the fellow Clam who claimed to Suri the Miracle Child first - - and proclaimed that the Cruise Clam-let was even more beautiful than her own daughter, who surely will grow up to have self-esteem issues and hopefully will write a tell-all. With Bodhi Elfman, Mr. Remini participated in the opening of the Scientology museum "Psychiatry: An Industry of Death", linking Hitler to the study of psychiatry. Next thing you know, those crazy Scientologists will find the link between poverty and Ted Bundy.

5. Beck and Marisa Ribisi. Yes, Beck is a Scientologist. Disappointing news, I know. However, and unlike many of his fellow celebrity Scientologists (including his wife), Beck does not like to discuss Scientology in interviews. Yay for Beck. He must have some dirt on Miscavaige because we do know how much the CO$ likes to have their celeb-suckers go on and on about how great they are because of Scientology. For the most part though, Beck and the Mrs. are fairly low key and therefore inoffensive.

6. Catherine Bell and Adam Beason. I hate that Catherine Bell is a celeb Scieno because I really like Army Wives. Unlike the Mini Messiah, I can watch Ms. Bell and forget that she's one of "Them". Ms. Bell defended Scientology on the Howard Stern Show (what I wouldn't give to hear Howard's take on that), claiming that Scientology made her a better actress. This I am not surprised at. I'm sure Scientology teaches you to bullshit with the best of them.

7. Laura Prepon and Christopher Kennedy Masterson. Yeah, I don't know who they are either. I didn't watch That 70s Show or Malcolm in the Middle. On Scientology's official website, Mr. Masterson is listed as having completed 11 levels of Scientology courses; Ms. Prepon 7. Ms. Prepon is obviously lagging behind. I jest, I jest. No telling how much these two have spent for Scientology's hokey, tin can courses. And yes, the Church of Scientology is lame enough to list their members and how many levels they have completed.

8. Giovanni Ribisi and Mariah O'Brien. Mr. Ribisi is the twin of Marissa Ribisi, who is married to Beck (see number 5). Talk about keeping it in the family! Mr. Ribisi claims that Scientology has kept him safely from the many Hollywood vices, although divorce is obviously not one of them, since he and Ms. O'Brien are no longer married. If Scientology can (allegedly) cure you of being gay, dyslexia and heroin, why the hell can't they keep people married?
Anyhow, Ms. O'Brien is still listed as a member of Scientology, and has attained the level of "Clear", meaning that she has been "cleared of negative influences". Like Mr. Ribisi, maybe?

9. Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf. I loved Jason Lee in Almost Famous. He's supposed to be good in My Name is Earl (I don't watch it and my TiVo can only tape so much stuff). He doesn't appear to be publicly outspoken about Scientology and that can only help his career in Hollywood. He did, however, follow some fellow Scientologists' lead and name his kid a ridiculously stupid name, which I am sure he will have to atone for in the afterlife. Mr. Lee is divorced from his first wife, after six years of marriage (a-ha! The Scientology marriage curse strikes again!) Ms. Riesgraf has given the CO$ untold sums of money, having completed 14 levels of its bogus learning techniques and courses, including the laughable "How to be a Successful Parent". It's laughable primarily because the dickwad that created them (Hubbard) was an abusive and drunk parent. Maybe Ms. Riesgraf and Mr. Lee should have taken a course in "How to be a Responsible Parent" so they wouldn't have burdened their child with a name that is guaranteed to get his ass kicked in the playground.

10. Isaac Hayes and Adjowa Hayes. Mr. Hayes, famous for being a 70s R&B icon and the voice of Chef on South Park, was a fairly low key and under the radar Scientologist until South Park aired an episode lampooning Tommy Boy Cruise and Scientology, and Hayes stomped his man heels, jumped on his Huffy bike and left in protest. Oh wait, I'm sorry - - that's what the Mini Messiah would do. Hayes just left. Hayes himself received criticism for staying with the show when it lampooned all other religions, races and sexual orientation but jumping ship when his own belief system took center stage. Mrs. Hayes is Mr. Hayes' fourth wife (I won't say it but you know I'm thinking it!) and apparently has no ties or connection to Scientology. Which means that this marriage won't last either.

My last word(s): I find it amusing that the Church of Scientology claims to be able to cure anything from homosexuality to dyslexia to drug abuse but cannot seem to find a formula to keep people happily married, or keep their members from making an ill-advised match. Of the 10 couples listed above, there are 8 divorces (and at least a couple that I think will happen within the next few years). If the Church of Scientology can "cure" people of homosexuality, why do they have so many closeted gay members? If the Church of Scientology can "cure" people of the "ailments" listed above (and I don't personally consider homosexuality an affliction and find it offensive that the Church of Scientology does), why can't they come up with cures to cancer, AIDS, etc? Why are so many members of their organization rude, abrasive and generally offensive? Why do so many of them have very little education outside of high school? (Some didn't even complete high school). Why do they so willingly turn over their money for some shlocky sci-fi story that is barely believable as fiction, much less as a so-called religion? Why can't Kirstie Alley keep the weight off? And why is it that every night eating dinner, no matter what time, the phone always rings? Excruciating questions, all.

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