October 3, 2007

(C)Rock of Love: And We Have a Winner!

So the final episode of Bret Michael's very public search for his rock princess begins exactly where it left off the week before - - the Terrible Two packing up for Cabo. Whoo hoo!

It's immediately noticeable that Heather seems way more interested in going than Jes does - - hmmm. Heather does one of her trademark "look at me" moves, when Bret comes out of his red-doored BMB bedroom.

So Bret and his "girls" leave the ROL pad, and VH-1 oh-so-helpfully shows us with a map exactly where Cabo San Lucas is (because obviously their target audience has no idea).

Thank you, VH-1, for clarifying that Cabo San Lucas is actually on the eastern side of the black and red skulled island.

So the threesome arrives at their Mexican resort and this is one thing that really bugs me with reality shows or movies. Never in my life, and I mean never, not even on my honeymoon, have I ever arrived at a resort with people dancing, and someone waiting to hand me a drink. WTH? Of course, when big rock star Bret and his two hoochie mamas arrive, there is full-on dancing and the margaritas are a-waitin'.

Heather immediately spots a hot chick in the dancing quartet, points her out to Bret, along with a statement that is bleeped out. Nice.

Bret, as usual, is miffed as to "whassa goin' on".

He doesn't understand why, when he's there with Heather and Jes, Heather is paying more attention to one of the other women there. Bret has a hard time understanding how he can be paying attention to Heather, who is paying attention to some dancer chick, who Bret shouldn't be paying attention to. All pretty funny and not more than just a little hypocritical since Bret has been juggling up to 20 women at one time for the last few months. But I digress.

The girls go to their shared hotel room, while Bret ambles off to I'm certain some red-themed BMB room. It's funny that they put Jes and Heather together. Do they not have the budget for them each to have their own room, or are they hoping for some Jerry Springer-inspired green room battle to take place? You would think it's the former, but hope for the latter.

In the incredibly orange/peach/salmon-y room, clothes are laid out for both "girls". Heather is thrilled when she sees booty shorts because they are so her. I think the fact that all the clothing says "ME" on it is also very fitting.

Bret has a lovely "welcome to Cabo" dinner planned, but the "girls" insist on upsetting the apple cart by having a staring contest. Heather is the clear winner because, try as she might, Jes still looks sweet. Bret tries to break the contest up by noting "there's bread" on the table and crunching into a piece, but the "girls" are deadly serious about getting down to business. The business being winning Bret's aging hand and ass.

After chewing, Bret confronts Heather about her bisexuality possibilities. Unlike about 99% of other men I have known, Bret appears disappointed about the possibility.

Heather denies that she's a lesbian and claims she's strictly dickly. She does admit though that she's a congratulator, not a hater. Meaning if she sees a hot chick, she'll own up to it and even compliment her on her rack! Wow, that Heather, such a sport. Jes, naturally, thinks that Heather would have absolutely no issues having an open relationship and inviting another woman to join in because she's a stripper and all.

Heather goes on the offensive and states to Bret, Jes and the ROL-watching world that Jes is too young for Bret. Duh! Heather asks Jes if she really wants kids at her age. Very good point, Heather, and I think you should have asked Bret the same question.

Jes, however, is not be outdone and quickly brings Heather's age and chosen occupation into the conversation. Good move, Jes, because Heather off-camera does her typical "why does everyone bring up the fact that I'm a stripper" meltdown off camera? Um, Heather, maybe because you are a stripper?

Heather claims that her stripping days are over (although show her a pole and I betcha girlfriend would be all over it). She credits Bret for saving her from the cruel, heartless life of showing your breasts to absolute strangers. Okay, no she didn't, but she did say that she wasn't going back because she met Bret. Hmmmm, I feel pressure mounting.

Dinner ends, and I'm sure none too soon since no one appeared to be eating. Heather must mean business because this is the first time she hasn't chowed down the entire series.

The "girls" are lounging by the pool (such is the life of a ROL hoochie mama) when Bret's ROL note arrives. Jes has already informed us off-camera that she hopes to get the first date and spend some real time with Bret, so we pretty much know that she has jinxed herself into the second date. Heather is thrilled that she gets first dibs with old B.M. and makes sure Jes knows it. Frankly, I think Jes lucked out here - - she gets to spend the day in luxurious privacy and silence.

Bret has planned some dune buggy riding with Heather - - not exactly the most intimate of dates, or giving Bret the time he needs to really get to know her, as he stated earlier. That Bret, master of confusion and manipulation.

So he and Heather jump in a buggy and hit the dirt. All is going well until Bret informs us off camera that his diabetes ("dia-BEE-tus" for all you not in the know) is kicking in, what with the weeks of partying and drinking and not eating much, or probably sleeping much. He's not feeling well and thinks that eating will help his blood sugar. Well, duh! I'm not a diabetic, but I know this. If Bret's been suffering from dia-BEE-tus for years, wouldn't he keep like a candy bar or power bar or something on him for exactly these type of emergencies? But I guess that would take away from the drama that's unfolding in the World of Bret Michaels.

So he suggets to Heather that they eat something. Doesn't tell her that he's not feeling well, doesn't say his blood sugar is dropping or anything like that. Heather, quite naturally, isn't interested in the drama that is Bret Michaels, she wants to drive the dune buggy. And who can blame her? So Bret, being the sport and "survivor" that he is, gallantly stops his bitching and crying about his dia-BEE-tus long enough for Heather to take the wheel and show Bret how a man really drives a dune buggy in Mexico. Run for the border, Heather! Bret, quite naturally, claims for like the 327nd time during the series that he thinks he's going to die. And he clarifies for us in case we didn't get it that he means that very sincerely and not just figuratively. Nice drama queen moves, Bret.

So finally they make their way over to a picnic set out for them and nosh on some watermelon because, damn the Corona after some hardcore racing, break out the melon! Then they do some face sucking and walk together on the beach, showing us that Heather prefers G-string bathing suits.

So this part of their date is over, and Heather returns to the shared room to prepare for her evening dinner with Bret (WHAT? Didn't they just eat? How many times do people eat per day at ROL anyway?) and taunt Jes. If Jes was smart, she spent her afternoon getting a massage from a muscly man named Mario. Heather tells Jes that she had the best date on the planet (which planet? Animal Planet?), causing Jes to chuckle. Jes really is cute. Jes tells Heather that she hopes Heather enjoys her date that night because she won't be anything more to Bret than an eff-buddy. Ouch! Jes also knocks Heather's carefully chosen outfit, telling her it screams stripper. Come now, Jes, anything less than that would disappoint. Heather retorts with a slam against Jes' outfit the previous night, when Jes came to a "five star dinner" (which nobody ate, but who's counting) dressed in a skanky mini-skirt. Give one to Heather. Jes comes back at her with "stripper ass bitch!" Hee.

So Bret and Heather get down to dinner, amid lanterns and tiki torches and tons of pillows. Bret begins explaining to Heather their bond - - that they bonded on a party level. Can Bret bond any other way? He wonders if they can be anything other than party friends. He also worries about what Heather will do all day while he's performing, touring, etc. Well, genius, what has she been doing for the last several months? Yeah, she'll probably keep doing that.

Heather cuts him off (thankfully) with "I'm in love with you, Bret." Whoa, she says that just like a stripper whose been paid with some really good Mexican pot. And does she ever have a lot of blue eyeshadow on.

Bret responds to Heather with a none-too-promising "For real? I don't know what else to say." That can't be good, but to Heather, any challenge is a good one. They start sucking face again and Bret quickly suggests that they go his room. They do, and we are mercifully spared from anything other than Heather climbing on Bret and Bret whimpering "you are so sexy." Ugh.

Flash forward to the next morning, where Heather is sporting some seriously limp hair (WTH?) and Bret is sporting the ever-present bandana on his head. Does that thing EVER come off? Quite the gentleman, he practically pushes Heather out the door because he's got to get ready for his date with Jes.

Jes is eating breakfast by the pool and Heather saunters up, in her icy blue "sundress" and beat down hair. Heather quickly informs Jes that her night with Bret was "amazing" and that she really needs to shower but doesn't want to scrub Bret's odor off her. Ewwwww. Can we say "too much information"?

Heather continues her verbal assault on Jes, even as Jes leaves their shared hotel room, to meet up with Bret. "When you kiss him, you'll be licking me!" she reminds Jes, as Jes heads out the door. I don't know about Jes, but that would be enough to make me call in sick. And in case we haven't heard "Nothin' But a Good Time" enough this season, Heather treats us to her rendition of it, singing and dancing around in her booty shorts. She then says "sloppy seconds, baby" which makes no sense, seeing as how both Jes and Lacey appear to have gotten Bret to give up the booty prior to Heather.

So Jes meets up with Bret, in their matching blue bandanas, and despite laying quite a kiss on him, she can only think about Heather's mouth being where hers is now. Ewwwww. Bret informs Jes that he's taking her on an afternoon cruise aboard a yacht. I'm starting to think that Heather got the short end of the stick in this deal. Bret so poetically tells us that if he can't win Jes' heart with a yacht, nothing will do it. Boy, Bret sure is quick to sell himself short, isn't he? If a yacht will win Jes over, do you really want her? But, no matter. This is (C)Rock of Love.

So Bret and Jes cruise the waterways, kiss and cuddle, neither one mussing or losing their bandana. Maybe they are a perfect couple.

So they return from their Gilligan's Island three hour cruise, and prep for dinner. Bret and his bandana are waiting at some deserted looking outdoor restaurant and he takes care to inform us that his dia-BEE-tus is acting up again and he really feels poorly. What a shocker.

So when Jes appears for her dinner date, the ever-romantic Bret shows her his insulin shot and informs her that if he should go into a diabetic coma, she must ram that shot into his ass pronto. I don't know about Jes, but isn't that what all women want to hear during a romantic dinner? Screw a proposal, let's talk about shoving things up your ass.

So Jes gets all weepy and begins crying. To Bret, Jes' crying is a sign that she's finally let her guard down. Let's all remember, shall we, that this is also the man who felt that Brandi M.'s gurgled "I love you" in between retching in the toilet was one of the most touching moments of his life. So Bret and Jes suck face. Did they even eat dinner? And if Bret's dia-BEE-tus is acting up, why does he appear to still be drinking?

Bret and Jes head back to Bret's hotel room, which seems to have seen quite a bit of action in the last 24 hours. I hope the maids have changed the sheets.

The outside jacuzzi is all romantic-ed up, with candles everywhere. Jes drops trou and heads for the water.

Off camera, Bret informs us that it was the perfect ending to the perfect day, minus the insulin shock he very nearly went into. Such a poet.

Back to L.A. and it's elimination time. Bret is deep in thought in his BMB red room, with the girls' passes stuck to the wall. Bret informs us that this a decision he must make on his own, so Big John must leave. Heather is getting herself ready for the ultimate showdown and her hair truly scales new heights for this last episode. Two cans of Aqua Net, at least. Jes, meanwhile, looks down in the dumps and her hair is strangely limp and miserable. The girls wait at the podium, Heather in her trashtastic Barbie yellow dress and massively teased hair, and Jes, in a pretty black dress but looking as though she's going to her own funeral.

Bret and his bandana approach and they both inform the girls that his decision was very hard (but I'm sure it turned him on because pretty much everything else does). Off camera, Bret and his bandana inform us that neither could make up their minds about who to choose, so a brilliant idea popped into Bret's little blonde head. How about both of them? He asks Heather if she would accept him, along with Jes, and a voiceover says "I'd love to". I'm already calling B.S. on this!! Jes immediately says no. In a voiceover, Bret and his bandana inform us that this was some type of test and apparently Heather failed. Bret and his bandana call Heather down from her spot and inform her that she's not the girl he's looking for. Heather looks as though she's going to rip every piece of his weave out of his head and shove it down his throat. Who needs to know how to stick an insulin injection into Bret's ass now? Without a word or a hug, Heather turns on her heel and rides her Huffy bike on outta the ROL house. Go, Heather! Bret and his bandana are miffed as to why Heather would leave that way. Bret and his bandana are douches.

Heather is pissed. And by pissed, I mean PISSED. In the limo, she tells the camera that she gave Bret her heart and he took advantage. She also informs everyone that Bret is America's Asshole for doing this to her. I like it, it has a nice ring.

Back at the ROL house, Bret and his bandana ask Jes to step down. Jes looks like she's heading to her executioner. Oh yeah, I can feel the love from her. Bret and his bandana thank Jes for being so supportive of his dia-BEE-tus (I guess listening to how to shove something in Bret's ass and getting teary over it count as "supportive"), "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" begins playing and Jes and Bret share a kiss.

End of show! What to do on Sundays now? And will Jes, Bret and his bandana really last more than a week? Exactly how much of the ozone did Heather and her Aqua Net destroy?

No comments: