October 19, 2007

Tommy Boy, Unauthorized


It's coming! It's coming! Finally, after more than a year delay, and months of speculation as to whether or not Tommy Boy and his Scieno goons somehow got to dirt-disher Andrew Morton, Amazon has Morton's long-awaited and sure-to-send-Camp-Cruise-into-spasms-of-fright- very unauthorized biography on pre-order! Due to be released on January 15 (can barely stand the wait), St. Martin's Press is hyping that Morton "uncovers the true story of the biggest celebrity of our age". I don't hold my breath that Morton will include copies of the beard contracts that Nicole and Zombie Bride signed, but I do think Morton will write about all types of oddities that Tommy Boy has. Which will be fun reading in and of itself.

But the real reason I am waiting for this book is to see Tommy Boy lose it. Kick in to full on diva behavior. Jump on his Huffy bike and ride all over Andrew Morton. After all, Morton is attempting to piss all over his oh-so-hetero parade. And I cannot wait for Andrew Morton, who is obviously much more intelligent than Tommy Boy, more articulate and probably a lot quicker on his feet, to give the Cruister a proper British smackdown. Matt Lauer was considerate when Tommy Boy was attempting his Scieno-voo-doo mind control on him, but my gut tells me that Andrew Morton can hold his own and will not hesitate to put the pint-sized psychiatry loathing loony in his proper place. CAN'T. WAIT.

In case you feel even a shred of sympathy for the Cruister, don't forget Tommy Boy is the superstar who showed up, all smiles, at the Packer funeral in Australia with Zombie Bride, and who allegedly couldn't refrain from partaking in some seriously bad-taste PDA during the service. The superstar who showed up, all smiles, at Princess Diana's funeral in London. Let's see how long he smiles during his own funeral.

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