As we near the anniversary of THE MOST ROMANTIC AND AMAZING WEDDING EVAH, I am forced to think back of this year of alleged wedded bliss for Little Lord Tommy Boy and his robot bride. It was nearly a year ago that Italy was subjected to the stench of the Cruise PR machine, that an untouched and un-Photoshopped (and unattractive) Suri was unveiled to the public and Tommy Boy and Katie pulled off the most anticlimactic and impersonal wedding I can recall seeing outside of Days of Our Lives.
Despite assertions from Tommy Boy's spokesho that his master and Katie slipped away to be married civilly in Los Angeles, prior to hopping off to Italy where they were shamarried in a legally unrecognized Scientology ceremony, I'm not buying it. Not just because we're talking about Tommy Boy and were this a Disney movie, his nose would be growing longer by the minute, but because this is a couple who claimed to withhold Suri from the public because of the intense media pressure, harassment and scrutiny. Do we really think they could slip away, unnoticed, to be married in some random courtroom in Los Angeles? It's not like their wedding was a surprise; the Cruise Camp announced the date and plans weeks in advance. So despite the fact the couple could not go to medical appointments during Katie's fifteen month pregnancy with Suri and thus necessitated the purchase of a sonogram for at-home use, they managed to slip away and say "I do" without anyone the wiser? Nope, sorry.
I demand proof. I want a certified copy of a marriage certificate saying they are legally husband and wife. Until I see that certificate, I won't believe it. After all, if they aren't legally married, that will make their "divorce" that much easier to arrange when the time for the split comes. Otherwise known as the termination of the contract.
Because let's be honest. Do more than 15 or so people think these two idiots really fell in love with each other, that the previously biologically childless and rumored sterile Tommy Boy impregnated Holmes within a matter of weeks or months (depending on when you believe Suri's birthdate is), that Suri was PR-savvy enough to be born on the exact one year anniversary of their first date and that these two are anything but acting like a couple for PR reasons? (And not doing a very good job of it, I might add).
Come on, Camp Cruise. I know you can leak a copy of that marriage certificate, if it exists. If Tommy Boy can use his MEST powers to overcome dyslexia, cure heroin or become a tree or whatever else those crazy Scienos think they can do, surely coughing up a marriage certificate is a piece of (cup)cake.
Photo Source: JustJared