January 30, 2007

Interview with the Elusive Suri Cruise




This is part of my new "Interview with Celebrities" series and I am proud and thrilled for the popular "It" baby of the moment, Suri Cruise, daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, to be my first subject. This is Miss Cruise's first interview.

PS: Hi Suri, thanks for taking the time out of your day to talk with me.
SC: You're welcome. I did want to address some of the more unrealistic rumors out there right now. You know those rumors are completely unfounded.
PS: Maybe your mom said it best - - there's a lot of shit out there?
SC: You mean Katie? Please. That's one rumor that I would like to address and put to rest. Hands-on mother, my ass.
PS: Really? So you're disputing the statements made by Leah Remini, Will and Jada Smith, and others that she's a hands-on mother?
SC: Absolutely. Yes, I am. I haven't seen Katie since the cruise.
PS: The cruise? Are you referring to your parents' honeymoon in the Maldives?
SC: (laughing) Oh, yeah. The honeymoon. And my parents! Good one. In all seriousness though, I guess I would have a better chance of seeing Katie if I had a Barney's credit card.
PS: That's very sad. Your mom does like to shop though.
SC: Bitch likes to shop for herself. If you could see me now . . . I've outgrown nearly all my dresses and pants. I guess Katie's Scientology minder forgot to remind her that I need 12 month old clothes, and not 6 to 9 months.
PS: Twelve months? Do you care to comment on your offical birthdate of April 18?
SC: Not really. I'm sure you know that 18 is very special to Tom and Katie. It's easy for them to remember.
PS: Understandable. But if you're 12 months old now, that would mean you were born last January or February and not in April?
SC: What's the big deal, really? What's a couple of months? Besides, my real dad doesn't exactly want the world to know that he tapped Katie. Can you blame him?
PS: I guess not. So, have you met your dad?
SC: No, and I don't really care to comment on that. I'm sure you can understand how sensitive this subject is for me.
PS: Certainly. So, tell me. What do you like to do, Suri?
SC: I enjoy a good book. Right now, I am reading Goodnight Moon. I have a book list that I am compiling for this coming summer. I'd like to mix it up a bit, add some Dr. Seuss, maybe some Shel Silverstein. I would really like to study the classics as well. Tom would like me to read Dianetics, but that just seems so boring! I'd really like to get outside and check out that bright orb that I've read about. What do you call it?
PS: You mean the sun?
SC: That's it!
PS: I know our readers would really like to know if you get outside. Can you answer that question?
SC: You saw me in Italy, right? Notice how pale my skin is? That should answer your question right there. I spend about eight hours a day in an intense course of Scientology, in a classroom in Tom's compound.
PS: Eight hours? Isn't that a bit intense?
SC: We get diaper breaks, you know. It's not that neanderthal. But I'd really like to be able to go outside, play in a park. Maybe hang with some kids my age.
PS: Good point. Do you have any friends, Suri?
SC: I do have Bella and Connor. Thank goodness! I was hoping to be chums with Posh's boys, but I think she's been placed on the Suppressive Persons list. Which is too bad, really.
PS: What about Brooke Shields?
SC: Brooke who? If you're referring to those dumbass comments Tom made, I really think I should avoid going there. I mean, the man is agreeing to raise me as his for the next eighteen years!
PS: How about Leah Remini? Doesn't she have a daughter just a bit older than you?
SC: That poor kid? Oh no, I don't mix with her. She spends most of her time, outside of her naps, in study. It's not her fault, really. She seems like a very sweet little girl. She can't help it if she's so . . . unattractive. . . that her own mother will even publicly admit it. Poor thing.
PS: Speaking of which, what do you think of all the fuss surrounding your appearance?
SC: I don't get it. I have blue eyes. I have dark hair. Big deal. What's so amazing about that? I will say this though. I don't appreciate Tom and Katie and that nitwit from Vanity Fair airbrushing my photos. For God's sake, they made me look Asian! No surprise that there would be talk about who my real dad is, or comments about how I looked at the wedding.
PS: So you're admitting that your Vanity Fair pictures were doctored?
SC: Absolutely. Have you ever seen a baby without a belly button?
PS: No, I can't say I have. Or with such an even skin tone.
SC: Exactly. Exactly my point. I had some baby acne, but that is nothing to be ashamed of. I hope that other babies realize that too.
PS: What are your plans for the future, Suri?
SC: I'd like to learn how to ride the tricycle that Tom and Katie bought me last year. It just sits in my room and I hate that kind of waste. Getting into big girl panties is one of my New Year's resolutions.
PS: Any plans for a little brother or sister for you this year?
SC: Please. Do you honestly think I would know that? That's between Tom, Katie, Uncle David (Miscaivage) and Tom's PR people. I would imagine you would have to read the contract between Tom and Katie to know for sure.
PS: Any last thoughts before we sign off?
SC: I do appreciate everyone's support and good thoughts. Along with Sean Preston Federline and J.J. Federline, I am forming the Children of Stars Support Group, so please keep your eye out for that. We may have all the material necessities in life, but believe me, people, we need help. I hope to have the group formed this year.
PS: Sounds promising.
SC: I like to give back. It can't all be shoes and shopping. Not for everybody, that is.
PS: Suri, thank you for taking the time to talk to us. We appreciate it.
SC: Thank you. I'm sorry to cut this short, but my fifteen minutes of phone time is up and it's back to my studies.

There Are At Least Two Smart People in Hollywood


In the form of Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson. Currently making the rumor scene around Hollywood is the news that both Mr. Freeman and Mr. Nicholson have refused to work with the colossal trainwreck better known as Lohan. Apparently both legends have instructed their agents that they will not even consider a film role that is tied to Lohan in any way, shape or form. I'd love to believe this. I really would. While I'm not doubting the intelligence of either man (heck, you have to possess some smarts to stay around and active in Hollywood as long as either of them have) I find it hard to believe that Lohan would ever be suggested for a part in any movie in which Nicholson or Freeman would be starring. Unless, of course, she's taking on the part of a wild, out of control, promiscuous drug addict. She may be able to handle that one.
Provided, of course, that she has a flexible work schedule that will allow for clubbing, random hospital stays and surgeries and time off for "exhaustion".
Seriously though, I will lose all respect for either of these gentlemen if they even consider gracing one of her shitty projects with their myth-like presence. This would have been like Marlon Brando agreeing to appear in Beach Blanket Bingo. It's totally hideous and it goes against the laws of nature in general. Lohan needs to stick with Hillary Duff, maybe Paris Hilton or Pam Anderson, even. It's possible that Katie Holmes is unemployed; maybe Lohan should call her. But leave Freeman and Nicholson for Diane Keaton, Cate Blanchett, Kate Winslet . . . the classy ladies with talent. And without the baggage that Lohan is sure to bring to whatever set she shows up on.
I'm hoping this is true. Not only because it shows that Nicholson and Freeman have balls (which we already knew, at least in the case of old Jack) but maybe because by these two men taking a stand, others will follow suit. Isn't it time for Hollywood to stop being an enabler (after all, Lohan has her craptastic mom Dina for that) and start making wise business decisions and cuts?
Not on Morgan's or Jack's Christmas card list

January 29, 2007

Katie Holmes Goes Mad

What would Joey Potter do?

Allegedly, that is. According to Julie Polkes, her official spokesho, the magnificent wife of The Wee One has elected to turn down reprising her bland role of Rachel Dawes in the next Batman movie, The Dark Knight, in favor of doing a movie with Queen Latifah (Mad Money) budgeted at a paltry $12 mil and paying her the change she drops at Barney's New York in under twelve months (i.e., $250,000) Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Call me jaded, bitter, whatever. I call B.S. on this story.
Is there a Barney's in Louisiana?
Firstly, the future third ex-wife of the Tiny Terror was contracted to reprise her role if the producers wanted her. Secondly, assuming they did, why on earth would she decline a role, no matter how small, in a guaranteed hit, in an established franchise, with a paycheck of reportedly $1 to $2 million to star in a possibly straight-to-DVD poverty row production? Nothing against Queen Latifah, I like her, but that's like choosing McDonald's when you can go to Morton's.
I will give the KateBot a small amount of credit, for at least having a spokesho that she doesn't share with the Tiny Terror, but I would hope that the new spokesho can do better than this. Are we really expected to believe that after all the negative feedback KateBot generated for her dismal performance as a D.A. (snicker, snicker), in addition to the grievances the producers apparently had for the shameless promotion of the Tom and Katie Show, versus Batman Begins, that she would be asked back? And I think her promotion of her new "man" and his film (War of the Worlds) is what got her that old pink slip.
Do I expect for the KateBot and her rep to admit that she was canned? Of course not. Evenly the mentally vacant Bot has an ego bigger that the size of her diminutive spouse. But to claim that she declined the role because she wanted to explore a different character and because of "scheduling conflicts" (the "something suddenly came up" in Hollywood talk) is nothing but double talk.
Mad Money, as of right now, is in pre-production and scheduled to being shooting in March. In Louisiana. We'll see if the KateBot is unlocked from the Cruise Compound long enough to be allowed to film and let her spouse get his groove on (while the cat's away . . .) Will she take Suri with her on location? Yeah . . . and the Wee One will be playing a gay's rights activist in his next movie.
Katie's highest paying acting gig: Mrs. Cruise

January 28, 2007

Scott Baio Goes to Plan B

Scott Baio: Great American Writer?

Following in the questionably illustrious footsteps of Janice Dickinson, Scott Baio has decided to kickstart his ailing career by penning a tell-all, humorously titled "BaioWatch: How I Dated and Loved Hollywood's Most Beautiful Women and Ended Up Alone".

Forever Chachi
Called me biased, but this is the same actor that I used to buy Tiger Beat for. I used to watch Happy Days simply to see Chachi. When I was eleven, I sent him a birthday card, with my hard earned chore money. I knew (from hours reading Tiger Beat naturally) that his favorite car was the Ford Thunderbird (it was the 70s) and being Italian, he loved Italian food. I spent hours dreaming of being Mrs. Scott Baio and doodling his initials with mine on my notebooks. I even watched Joanie Loves Chachi - a true showing of devotion if ever there was one.
Now Scott has decided to put pen to paper and air the dirty laundry of his failed relationships. Not talk of his career, which did span quite a few decades and not too shabby considering the fickleness of Hollywood. (Where is Greg Evigan of B.J. and the Bear fame, or Larry Wilcox from CHiPs or Tom Wopat from Dukes of Hazard? Point made.)
I'm not sure if Scott's point is to make this a humorous tome or a very self-depricating one. Sure, maybe from our standpoint it's pretty funny that while losing his virginity to Joanie, he was penetrating the sofa cushion, rather than Joanie, but she may not find it quite so humorous to remember. And I distinctly remember hearing that while dating Pamela Anderson, Scott gave her a gift of floormats for her car. Maybe that was just a nasty rumor, but if true, that may well have more to do with why their relationship failed, rather than the fact that she decided to get implants. And Liza Minnelli? Really? Liza Minnelli wanted his Italian sperm? Yikes. No wonder he has yet to marry. That has gotta scar you in some way.
I never expected that Scott Baio - -my Tiger Beat Scott Baio, what I considered future husband material at 10 - - would sell out. Yeah, it's been a long time since Charles in Charge. And yeah, Scott is turning 46 this year and he's C list Hollywood at best (even with that stint on Arrested Development). But doesn't Hollywood love a comeback story? And isn't it about time for Scott to plan his comeback - - former teen heartthrob becomes a serious, well-respected actor? Love. It. It could work. But maybe not if he's dishing dirt on his exes.
That being said, I am totally reading this book when it comes out.
The recipient of my preadolescent lust

January 25, 2007

Jesus Christ Cruise

Jesus Christ Superstar?


Biggest movie star in the world, undegreed and unschooled medical doctor, PPD-expert, pharmacist, drug counselor, movie critic, supporter of the man-heel and man-bangs and expert political advisor that should be sent to Iraq to get things squared and iron out all our differences. Now we can add Messiah to that already impressive list.
That’s right, all “Holy Shiyite”s aside, the Wee One is soon to be a real Holy Terror.
And to whom can we thank for bestowing such a big title on the diminutive daredevil?
Apparently best bud Davey Miscavaige. Also know as the Grand Poobah of Scientology. The Grand Poo thinks that future generations will come to see the performer that graced us with such gems as Cocktail and Interview with the Vampire as a misunderstood philanthropist, a do-gooder who was just a man before his time. Like Jesus Christ.
According to The Sun, the pint-sized tornado "has been told he has been “chosen” to spread the word of his faith throughout the world." That's right, the couch jumping and verbally aggressive interviews were just the tip of the spaceship. If Mr. Cruise has indeed been chosen by the Church of Scientology to be The Chosen One expect more jumping, more abrasive interviews and much, much more talk about aliens, body thetans and Xenu.
Incredibly blasphemous egos aside, I wonder how Scientologists, who consider Jesus Christ to have been a pedophile (baby raping is a very popular concept in the "Church"), can tack such a label on their most verbal (and most annoying) poster boy.
I say let's flog The Wee One, nail him to a cross and entomb him. If he then arises in eternal life, I will buy him as Jesus, Jr. and don a "Go Scientology" shirt.
Regardless, there is good news. At least for the Wee One's fans. It's good to know that, Hollywood aside, he can still get a job.
Scientology's Chosen One

Parle Vouz Francaise, Kate-Bot?

For the second time in less than six months, the Kate-Bot took to the friendly skies to jump across the pond to gay Paree, leaving Los Angeles minus one gay man’s beard but raising the populace’s IQ in the process. Besides wanting to escape the confines of being cloistered in the Cruise compound with the Tiny Terror himself, ostensibly the Kate-Bot was attending Fashion Week. The 70-year-old socialite look must be in this season because Kate-Bot would have done Mrs. Astor proud in a high-necked black velvet getup, a shimmering white wrap confection, red, red lips and a longer-than-life-itself glimpse of her legs and inner thighs bedecked in Spanx. Yes, Spanx. What’s more disturbing?
A view of Kate-Bot anatomy even Tiny hasn't seen
That a 28 year-old woman is wearing Spanx, or that this is probably what Tiny Tom has been using to corral in that "Cut"-induced belly that he's been sporting the last few months? The Kate-Bot has got to be the oldest looking 28 year-old around, outside of a Waffle House. I can imagine that living with a fading, soon to be over-the-hill diminutive action star with a serious diva complex is stressful and just more than a bit taxing, but damn, girl! Lay off the Scientology-endorsed niacin and get yourself to a day spa for a facial, a massage by someone named Sven and maybe a little tanning action!
But back to serious subjects. Kate-Bot is a first time mother. Her child isn’t even a year old (provided that official April 18 birthdate is correct) and this is her second Parisian trip in under six months. Without the fruit of Tiny Tom’s loins. How many first-time mothers leave their child for one night in the first year, much less a week or two? And to go shopping? Because, Xenu knows, there aren’t enough stores in L.A.
But let’s just assume that there aren’t enough stores in L.A. for argument’s sake. Why not take her “glorious girl” with her? It’s not like this “hands-on mom” wouldn’t have a whole army of handlers at the Scientology-ready to assist her with such menial and unamazing tasks as diaper changing and feeding. Is she not trusted with her own child? Or, better yet, does she have little to no relationship with her own daughter, and these shopping ventures are a form of compensation?
These books have pictures, right?
And for the record, seeing the Kate-Bot wander aimlessly in a bookstore does not make her appear smarter. The only way she's going to appear smarter is to lose the 5'7" dead weight that she's allegedly legally bound to. Anywho - as a serious bookworm myself, I can assure you that no devoted reader worth his or her Steinbeck would dare to browse around a bookstore wearing dark sunglasses. Tiny's peeps need to reprogram the boss's Bot so that she remembers to take off the sunglasses inside. We all know who she is, she's not going incognito, and we all all know that there is no life behind those eyes, other than the glazed over look of Scientology, along with a glimmer of dollar signs.
As far as the current rumor circulating that Kate-Bot has had her nose done . . . or that the current Paris Kate-Bot is a decoy, much like the Suri-decoys Tiny Tom stated he kept in stock at the Cruise Compound, I don’t think so. I think this is the same old boring, bland, materialistic, opportunistic, blank slate of a Kate-Bot that Tiny has been accessorizing with for the last two years. Sure, she looks different. She’s now a child-bearing woman (insert snicker here). She’s been a part of the Cruise Machine for nearly two years. Rather than acting only when on set, she has been acting 24/7. She’s had her body pumped full of niacin and her few brain cells sucked out by L. Ron’s peeps. She’s abandoned her former friends and any glint of freedom she ever had. She’s even abandoned her small screen career, so that she cannot possibly overshine the massive ego of the little man that’s paying her shopping bills. In return she gets unlimited mileage at Barney’s, a wardrobe more fitting Joan Rivers and tremendous name recognition. And isn’t recognition (i.e., fame), even for a true wanna-be like the Kate-Bot, really what it’s all about?
Famously infamous, soon to be older than Tiny Tom

January 24, 2007

Heather Mills is Worth $2,000 per Hour

Queen of the Golddiggers?

At least based upon the rumored $63 million settlement Paul McCartney is offering her. For four years of marriage, that equates to roughly $2,000 per hour of marriage.
Heather Mills, true to her apparently golddigging standards, has reportedly rejected the rumored offer. Is she crazy? It seems an ignorant question. Wouldn’t she have to be crazy to turn down that kind of settlement? For four years? Sir Paul is worth a reported nearly $1 billion but let’s be fair. He was worth that kind of money long before Heather Mills invaded his life, and he would have been worth that kind of money had she never entered his life. So is she worth that kind of money? Or is it worth that kind of money to get rid of her?
Perhaps $63 million is a small price to pay for Sir Paul to exorcise this blonde demon from his life. Maybe he just wants to move on, realizes he made a mistake and enjoy the rest of his life, melodrama-free. Could he possibly be hoping that by accepting such a financial offer not only will Heather go far, far away but she will leave their daughter at his doorstep as well? It’s a mystery.
I didn't sign a prenup?
On the other side of that coin, if Heather Mills isn’t crazy, but very, very clever, what if her claims about Sir Paul are true? What if she has some very serious, and very accurate, claims to hold over his head, that would tarnish the halo that the Brits have very gently placed there? Could Sir Paul be the alcoholic, verbally, emotionally and abusive bastard that Heather has claimed in her suspiciously leaked and well-timed court papers? Sure. But he could also sprout an excessive amount of body hair and sprout fangs at a full moon, after which he jumps on the Mother Ship with Xenu to join Tom Cruise for tea. It could happen.
I don’t know what Paul McCartney is like to live with. Only his wives and his children have known that. I’m sure he can be difficult. He’s been a super-celebrity for the majority of his adult life, and has been catered to in ways that most of us working class can’t comprehend. I don’t get the “abusive jerk” vibe from him. He seems as though he would be the exact opposite. And Heather Mills comes across, in my opinion, as someone who would be wearing the pants in the family. Frankly, I see Heather barking orders and Sir Paul meekly putting his head down and saying “yes, dear.” But of course I haven’t lived under the same roof with them.
The look of love
Maybe if Heather Mills wasn’t claiming to not be a golddigger, for this not to be about money, and yet rejecting every settlement offer that has of yet officially been offered, she wouldn’t look like the villain in this case. She started the race uphill from the starting line, going against a beloved icon. She would have been disliked, or even hated, by some, simply for “giving” Sir Paul a reason to file for divorce. But making these claims, true or not, has made her one of the, if not the, most hated woman in Britain. Whether they are true, false or exaggerated, why not settle? Sir Paul is not going to leave her destitute. She is the mother of his daughter, after all. How much money does she honestly need? Surely prosthetic legs aren’t that expensive.
Or does this have very little to do with the money, and more to do with making things as difficult and painful for Sir Paul as possible?
If sides must be chosen, I’m going with Team Macca. Despite all the claims being thrown at him, Sir Paul has remained quiet, dignified and has not resorted to the playground level of mudthrowing. While disappointing to gossips everywhere, it will only help him in court.
So is Heather Mills victim or villian? Misunderstood philanthropist or conniving manipulator? Loving wife or opportunist? Questions to think about. What I am sure about, however, is that she is not worth $2,000 per hour for her companionship.
How do you live on only $63 mil?

January 18, 2007

Lohan Needs a Divorce From Her Mother

Dina Lohan toasting her daughter's decision to enter rehab

While it’s with relief that I read about Lohan checking herself into rehab, I also have a strange feeling about it. Maybe I’m pessimistic, or maybe I’m just biased because I don’t think much of Lohan - - but I wonder if Lohan is doing it for herself, as the song goes. In the midst of her alcohol, drugs and male consumptive haze, did she sprout a lone brain cell that screamed “Rehab! Rehab!” into the crevices of her skull? Or did her publicist give her an ultimatum? Don’t get me wrong – ultimatums are good and fine, but unless the person is making their own choice, rehab rarely sticks.
Lohan: Oldest 20 year old on the planet
Rest assured, it certainly wasn’t Lohan’s blatantly piss-ass poor excuse for a mother Dina that encouraged her child to enter rehab. Not the mother who allowed her daughter, at 17, to move into the Chateau Marmont, or to live with her 8 years older boyfriend, or took her underage child partying at the trendy hotspots.
And this, I think, is where most of Lohan’s problems lie. With an indulging, imbibing, immature and famewhoring mother, how could Lohan have escaped a life of booze, drugs and men? Dina has enabled, encouraged and excused Lohan every step of the way. All in the name of keeping her out-of-control child’s name in the papers. Someone needs to tell the less than neurologically dazzling Dina that infamous and famous are not the same.
How in the dark is Dina about her child? When asked about her daughter’s entry into rehab, the elder Lohan told Star Magazine (and I quote because I couldn’t make this crap up if I tried) “I’m so proud of her. She’s really in a good place right now, spiritually and mentally. She’s in an amazing, phenomenal place. She’s 20 and she’s solid, and she’s doing what she needs to do. I don’t know that many people who are that secure. It’s all about her, and getting back on track. She’s fine – she’s amazingly fine.” Uh . . . yeah. Maybe Dina doesn’t know that many secure people because she hangs out with drunks, addicts and losers? And seeing as how most addicts are at rock bottom when they finally elect for rehab, how on earth could Lohan be in a spiritually and mentally good place? And is Lohan getting back on track because it’s all about her code for “she’d better get her ass back to the movie set and continue earning money to keep me in the lifestyle to which I’ve become accustomed”?
Lohan really only has one choice. Divorce Mommie Dearest. She is far more dangerous than Paris, Joe Francis or any other waste of space “celebrity” that she frequently hangs out with. With Mommie, Lohan will never be free of her addictions, whether it be booze, pills or men; Dina will see to that. Do we think that Dina doesn’t know how much it benefits her to keep Lohan in a haze?
So, congratulations, Lohan on entering rehab. Get through the 12 steps and then go for the 13th - - Divorce Dina Lohan!!

A quiet night at home with the Lohans

January 16, 2007

My Golden Globe Picks, Part Five

HONORABLE MENTIONS:


Reese Witherspoon. For looking stylish, sexy and happily single. Girlfriend owns this look.



Angelina Jolie. For the Medical Assistance Needed Award. To remove that massive stick from her ass. Can’t she even pretend to enjoy herself? She is an actress, after all. She has Brad Pitt on her arm. Imagine Jen's there.


Cate Blanchett. For being a fashion risk taker. This look wouldn't work on anyone else, but on Cate, excellent!


Jennifer Garner. Bland and boring. Jen's in white, yawn. She's pretty, sure, but I can barely generate enough excitement to type this.

My Golden Globe Picks, Part Four

UNDERSTATED AND ELEGANT:

Ali Larter. With her first Globe appearance, Ali scores a hit. Encore!


Eva Longoria. Normally I'm not a fan of the usually showy, oftentimes classless Ms. Longoria. But she pleasantly surprises here.

Isla Fisher. Lovely and simple, Isla is an even more perfect accessory for fiance Sasha Baron Cohen than the Golden Globe.


Penelope Cruz. Pene is pure elegance in this simple black Karl Lagerfeld.

Hilary Swank. Very, very simple. Borderline plain even. But it reeks of early Hollywood glamour.

America Ferrara. Not afraid to go with color, America glows. And wins. God Bless America.

My Golden Globe Picks, Part Three

THE UGLY:

Vanessa Minnillo. Worst use of color all evening. Burnt orange. Sequins. Aqua Net hair. Gag. Whoever told "starlets" that blowing a fake kiss is sexy should be forced to wear this creation for all eternity.

Cameron Diaz. I’m not sure what’s worse - - the twenty pounds of makeup clogging the life out of her skin or the atrocious “look at me” get up she has on. Transvestites everywhere are crying and Justin Timberlake is heaving a sigh of relief.

Beyonce. I think I had a Tiffany doll back in the 70s that wore nearly this exact creation. It was craptastic then, it’s craptastic now.

Rinko Kukichi. Two ways to get people to remember you - - wear something more appropriate in a Doris Day slumber party movie and look like a hot mess while doing it.

Vanessa Williams. Did the animal who gave its life for that wrap put up a fight and die in Van's hair? From the hair, to the jacket to the dress, it's just an unexplainable mess.

My Golden Globe Picks, Part Two

THE BAD


Sienna Miller. When she's good, she's pretty good. But when she's bad, she's atrocious. Ugly, ugly bodice. By far, the worst hair. Unless of course she’s up for an advertising gig for Swiss Miss.

Renee Zellweger. In theory it should work. Dress style isn’t bad. The color’s okay - - it doesn’t thrill me but we’re not talking Minnillo here. And yet, it just doesn’t gel. Maybe it's the constipated, frozen look on her face?

Nicollette Sheridan. Nic, Beauty Pageant Barbie called and wants her dress back. NOW.

Patricia Arquette. Was she attending a Raiders draft party after the awards? Or did the photographer forget color film?

Jennifer Love Hewitt. Isn't it some kind of fashion felony to wear gold to the Golden Globes?

My Golden Globe Picks

The best part of any awards show, other than the big awards, of course, is who wore what - - and who totally did an assy job on their fashion pick! So here are my Top Five Good, Top Five Bad and Top Five Shamefully Ugly, with their own posts:

THE GOOD

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. I know she probably spent 12 hours in a makeup chair, but she looks good here. And I actually love the dress. Well done. Skeletor actually looks like half-alive and wait . . .is that color I see in his skin?

Drew Barrymore. Newly single and she’s absolutely glowing in pink. Drew wasn't nominated but this is what a winner looks like.

Jennifer Hudson. Lovely in midnight blue, she's not trying too hard and knowing she's not a size zero, but being proud of that, wearing something to flatter her curves, not make them monstrous (yes, you, Beyonce).

Helen Mirren. Beautiful dress, stunning color and Globe winner Ms. Mirren looks phenomenal. She could definitely teach a thing or two to ladies half her age.

Kate Winslet. I love Kate Winslet. Whatever she wears is gold and this white column dress is no exception. I love Kate Winslet.