May 23, 2007

Are My Ears Defective?

Image Courtesy of PopSugar
How else to explain the utter boredom over American Idol's almost season finale? How else to understand the inexplicability of the tongue bathing for Jordin? Was it just me or was she shrieky, gasping, breathy and, in general, underwhelming?

First things first, why oh why did Blake agree to go first and let Jordin get the pimp spot for like the thousandth time? I know that TPTB have already decided Jordin is going to win and the whole thing is probably rigged, but don't make it any easier, Blake!

So each singer gets three songs, blah, blah, blah. Blake chooses "You Give Love a Bad Name" for his first song, which is a great choice because it really showcased his beatboxing well. (My backup pick would have been "Time of the Season", which he also rocked earlier in the season). Honestly, I think Blake performed it better the first time. He seemed a little zapped of energy, but maybe he was nervous since they were in the Kodak Theater in Hollywood, after all. So Randy, extremely inexplicably dressed up as Michael Jackson doing Sgt. Pepper, tells Blake his beatboxing is awesome, but his singing pretty much sucks. Boo, Randy. Paula is obviously popping the Vicodin for her busted nose, as she is terribly effusive all over Blake and his beatboxing and his grandpa pants and hoodie. Yay, Paula, and wow, do you have big, long hair tonight. Rock those extensions, girlfriend. Simon tells Blake that he's a great performer and thought he did a good job. Yay, Simon. He even adds in a little bit about there really being talent in Seattle. Then Ryan jumps in to inform Blake and, oh, everyone else in America watching the show that Simon is a liar. Bitter much?

Now it's Jordin's turn and she comes out wearing some dress thing over jeans and in case we didn't know, SHE'S SEVENTEEN!! She sings some Christina Aguilera song that I don't know and don't care to know and despite the fact that Randy and Paula both think she's hot (with Paula making her usual nothing to do with anything commentary on how cute and adorable Jordin is - blech!), Simon tells her like it is. She's shrieky, she's screamy and Blake gets Round One. Go, Blake! Ryan comes out to give out Jordin's digits and Ryan must be either four feet tall or Jordin is seriously an Amazon woman of about seven feet tall. Holy crap.

Round Two. Blake is totally sporting an argyle sweater and matching shoes. Cool! He's chosen "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5. I actually like it. Despite Mr. P.S. saying that the higher notes don't do Blake any favors, I think it was a good choice for him. The judges, however, believe that Blake took a safe song and didn't do much with it. Is everyone drinking Paula's Kool Aid? Do the performances sound different live versus on air? Please.

So Jordin comes out, still rocking the dress thing over jeans (which really do her no favors, because let's be honest here - - girlfriend isn't a size 8) and she's going to torture us with another rendition of "Broken Wing". It's okay. I really don't understand Simon's complete about face and telling her that her version is better than the original. Simon had better check dark corners for Martina McBride, that's all I'm saying. And in case we didn't know, Jordin is ONLY SEVENTEEN!!

So Round Three comes up and both Blake and Jordin must sing the song that won the songwriting contest. It's pretty crappy. And definitely NOT Blake's type of song. Was he not allowed to beatbox it, or jazz it up? You know, this has got to be rigged. TPTB must have thought to make sure and pick a song that would be more ballad-y and easier for Jordin to handle, in the process, throwing Blake under the Idol bus. I think Blake knew it too.

I don't think Blake's performance was terrible, it certainly wasn't his best, but he didn't have the greatest material to work with. Jordin's performance was okay, but nothing to get super excited about. But she is ONLY SEVENTEEN!!

All in all, a weak finale. Was having the phone lines open for 4 hours really necessary? Are that many people voting? And why didn't TPTB think to choose Winger's "Seventeen" for their pop princess? It's perfect, since she is SEVENTEEN!! Oh yeah, that's right. Jordin can't sing rock for shit. Oh well, she is ONLY SEVENTEEN!!

Happy to see Chris R., Phil, Chris S., LaKisha and Melinda in the audience. See you guys tonight!!

May 17, 2007

Melinda is Thrown Under the Bus

Does this signal the true end for American Idol? Has it jumped the shark for the last time?
How to explain the early exit of who was quite clearly the best singer this season, if not the best singer Idol has ever had grace its stage? Well, besides the general stupidity and lack of concise and clear thoughts by America, that is.
Idol says it's a singing competition, but let's be real. Idol is nothing more than high school all over again, it's dressed fancier and I'm sure the food is better (and no algebra) but Idol is really a popularity contest. If the competition was based on singing alone, neither Sanjaya nor Haley Scarnato would have cracked the top 12, much less would we be seeing them on tour. And would Blake be in the Final Two, much less Final Three? Let's be honest, Idol fans. Blake is cute. Blake seems like a nice guy, someone that would probably be cool to hang out with. Blake would be an awesome DJ or a performer at a dance club, with his beatbox mixes. But straight out singing? No way. He's certainly no better vocally than Phil Stacey or Chris Sligh, and his vocal talent diminishes dramatically when compared to Melinda's.
And while Jordin has broken out those vocal chops when called upon to do so with a ballad, give her a rock song and girlfriend leaves a blood trail so thick across the stage it looks like an Idol drive-by (Bon Jovi, anyone?) Sure, Jordin is better vocally than Blake - - but she is far less consistent than Blake. You could wonder what Sanjaya's hair was going to look like a few weeks back, you can wonder what's going to happen with Jordin. There's just no way of knowing. She has given some truly ear-shattering performances and she's still standing. Blake may not be vocally in her ballpark, but he's consistent.
So is it natural that Melinda should be the contestant eliminated? She has been the best singer vocally all season, and the most consistent. Was she boring? Yeah, she was. Adding to the snooze factor was the fact that you just knew she was going to be good (i.e., consistent). There would be no surprises from her. Did she deserve to get the boot now?
No, probably not. She seemed a shoe-in and maybe that's what did her in. Maybe her fans were complacent, maybe it seemed such a sure thing that nobody was voting frantically to save her. Regardless, Melinda will be just fine if the history of the third finalist is any indication. Despite who wins Idol this season (and my preference between Blake and Jordin is Blake), I think Melinda will sell more CDs. And isn't that the true test of talent and public acceptability, rather than who's dialing on Tuesday nights?

L.A. County Jail is Run By a Bunch of Spineless Ass Kissers


Perhaps even more shocking than Melinda's shocking boot from American Idol is Paris Hilton having her jail sentence cut by 22 days due to "good behavior". I'm sorry, please excuse my mentally slow behavior, but don't you actually need to be in jail, serving your sentence, to earn time off due to good behavior? Jail officials, besides needing to have their brains checked for actual presence, have credited Paris' appearance at her latest court date as a sign of good behavior, per MTV. So now all you have to do is show up for a court-ordered appearance and that's good behavior? If I write the check but don't actually mail it, is it considered paid by my creditors? Seriously, this celebrity special treatment is getting out of hand.
Further, the Paris-ite of society will serve her time (provided that she doesn't get more days off because, hey, as far as we know she doesn't run a child prostitution ring!) in a special needs housing unit, apart from the general population. At least someone is admitting that Paris Hilton has "special needs".

May 15, 2007

Paris in the Pink?

Could it be true? Phoenix is crazy enough to take on Wonky Eyed Paris? "Sheriff Joe" Arpaio, who runs the controversial "Tent City" facility outside of Phoenix where inmates are forced to wear striped uniforms, pink underwear, and serve in chain gangs, says he's spoken to L.A. jail officials and offered to take Paris off their hands for her sentence. If this is true, I suggest that June 4 should be considered "Sheriff Joe Day" in observance for his selfless act for humanity - - with the government and state offices closing of course, so I can get another built-in vacation day.
Thank God for Phoenix and their "eff celebrities" mindset.
In related news, Paris' psychiatrist, Dr. Charles Sophy, is all kinds of genius. He filed a postponement of a civil trial in which Paris was named as defendant due to the fact that Paris is a dumb ho. He said that she "cannot effectively respond to examination as a witness or provide any significant input into her defense." The fact that Paris isn't effective is certainly not news to me and shouldn't be to anyone with at least one or two functioning brain cells. Since when is being emotionally distressed a valid defense to postpone a trial? Isn't everyone who is being sued emotionally distressed? Yet, again, another example of celebrity exception.
And a truly bizarre and obvious Paris spotting this weekend - - she was spotted at a Catholic church in Beverly Hills, dressed in virginal (ha!) white. Bitch, please. Trying to cut a deal with God now isn't going to work.

May 11, 2007

Cameron Diaz is Learning Impaired

Seriously, how else to explain the inane and dumbass comments that continue to come out of her mouth? (On a related note, I used to work with a lady who went to high school with Cameron in Long Beach. She said Cameron was a total asshole in high school - - so I can see that asshole wasn't a phase for Cameron, but rather encrypted in her DNA.)
While promoting Shrek 3, Cam was quoted as saying:

"The last couple of years were hell. Like, I can't even tell you, it was so
hard. I didn't know how to handle it. But I think I'm in a much better place
now, because I stepped away for a second and took a breath. Hollywood is a funny
place. It offers so much, but it can also take a lot away from you."

So what was hard? Dating Justin Timberlake? Well, maybe that was understandable. But it's mighty hard to sympathize with someone who's getting paid millions of dollars for pretending to be someone on film.

"If a woman who's a successful actress weighs 300 pounds and has warts,
nobody ever asks her, 'Do you think you made it because you're ugly?' So why
should there be prejudice against someone who's had some success in films and
looks a little better than average. It's all in my genes, so don't hold it
against me."

I guess stupid is as stupid does is pretty fitting here. How big is her head anyway? Is there something in the water in Hollywood? I've never considered her all that particularly attractive, but reading comments like "don't hate me because I'm beautiful" make me think that either her eyes need to be checked or mine do.
But how perfect of a match would she be with The Little General? Her self-importance is only matched by that of Scientology's Mini-Messiah. Cameron has it so hard because she's been the victim of beauty prejudice. And it's not her fault that she's so amazingly beautiful. But she's come out better for it, because she "stepped away". (When was that exactly because I rejoice whenever I'm not subjected to this idiot and I don't recall celebrating any such days). Captain Scientology maybe used to have dyslexia, maybe didn't. If he did, Scientology cured him. It also enabled him to a better career, an ability to keep from being infected by the common cold and cure people of heroin addictions in three days. It also apparently taught him the history of psychiatry, glibness and probably introduced him to a lot of virile pool boys. But I digress.
Cam and Captain Scientology. Now that's a match in gossip heaven.

May 10, 2007

Paris is a Douche

After days spent crying and even bringing out the big guns (her dogs) for sympathy ploys, Paris has resorted to the granddaddy of sympathies - - the psych out. If you don't know what this is, check out Simon Cowell's critiques of Sanjaya this season. Despite pleading to Arnold for leniency, and even having her loudmouthed mother Kathy (who really should also be jailed for subjecting the world to Paris in the first place) squawk about how unfair it is that Paris should actually have to abide by the rules, the Airheaded Heiress is now saying that she's ready to face the consequences of her actions. Of course she's stating this through her new attorney, who is obviously hungry for money, punishment or both. The neurologically-challenged celebutard stated:

"After reading the media's coverage of my court hearing, I feel the need to
correct what I believe are misperceptions about me."

Wow, the first sentence and I'm already calling B.S. We all know Paris doesn't read (she admitted in court she doesn't read documents, she just signs them) and we all know there are no "misperceptions" about her out there. She's a spoiled, stupid ho! Simple.


"I am ready to face the consequences of violating probation."

Translated: If I tell you I'm really, really sorry for what I did, can we pretend it didn't happen?


"No one is above the law. I surely am not. I do not expect to be treated better
than anyone else who violated probation. However, my hope is that I will not be
treated worse."

Translated: Oh boo hoo, it's so hard to be me! Don't hate me because I'm rich.

Even if L.A. County has to kick an inmate out or two to jail Paris, I'm all for it. The dumb ho needs to see what it's like to wear a prison jumpsuit (Chanel doesn't make them, Paris) and actually scrub out a toilet. Heck, I'd pay money to see Paris behind bars. Maybe the jail can charge for admission and with the massive proceeds I'm sure they would make, build a new jail so celebrity offenders don't get tossed after two hours due to overcrowding (I'm talking to you, Michelle Rodriguez).
JAIL PARIS! JAIL PARIS! JAIL PARIS!

May 9, 2007

American Idol: Disco Night, Barry Gibb, Tragedy


Let's just say it and get it out of the way. Last night's American Idol sucked. Sucked ass. I may be biased because I was rooting for Phil to make it at least a little further than he did, but I was also bored. Bored to death.
It was Bee Gee night, which should mean jive talking, staying alive and dancing. Exciting, right? Oh no. These Idol contestants must have been working out a patent on a new sleep aid - - The Bee Gees as delivered by the Top Four. Tragedy is putting it lightly. Holy cow, I don't think I've been in this much pain since I had a root canal.
My sympathies to Barry Gibb, who really wrote some classic songs and turned in some of the better disco music of that era. So why didn't the Fab Four choose any of it??
Inexplicably, each of the Fab Four, or should I say the Fab Bore, were given two song choices - - in other words, two opportunities each to make me want to drive a screwdriver into my ear canal to stop the torture. If I could muster up the energy brought on by extreme boredom in order to do so.
Melinda got the craptastic first slot, while Jordin got the pimp spot. Biased much, American Idol? I mean, really. What's the point of voting? It's patently obvious that you want Jordin to win the whole thing. Never mind the judges' constant tongue bathing of her, even after that shiteous butchering of Bon Jovi last week.
Melinda was great. As always. (Although her outfits gave baked hell new meaning) But apparently the judges got a memo about their desire for Jordin to take the top spot and so they weren't allowed to tongue bath Melinda. Melinda is so consistently good that now she gets a smackdown for that. Honestly, I wish that Melinda had gone out of her comfort zone again, as she did last week, and tried something that was genuinely disco and dance worthy. But she didn't. And neither did Jordin. Jordin stuck to ballads and went very pitchy during a performance of "Woman in Love" by Barbra Streisand. LaKisha gets called out on screaming and being screechy, but Jordin won't have to worry with her fan base and TPTB behind her.
LaKisha tried her hand at "Staying Alive" and jazzed it down. It wasn't terrible but the judges reacted as though she had just crapped on the stage. It's very obvious that they are ready for LaKisha to get the boot. I don't think anything she does is going to get her the kudos, not with Jordin at risk. LaKisha, LaKisha, LaKisha. Didn't you get the memo?
Blake busted out the beatboxing for both songs and while I didn't particularly like either one, I didn't hate it either. The judges were underwhelmed at both, Simon basically told Blake in his usual tactful way that his bleached ass and cute little argyle sweaters may be headed back home. Poor Blake looked miffed, after weeks of being praised for his beatboxing and being original. Blake, Blake, Blake. That was last week. This week Jordin is on the fast track and either you or LaKisha must go packing. Didn't you get the memo?
I think tonight's "big reveal" will be about as climatic as Tom Cruise coming out of the closet. Nobody but Melinda getting the boot would be a huge shocker. I think TPTB want a Melinda/Jordin showdown, although Melinda is so far out of everyone else's league it's laughable.
My prediction: Blake's teen fan club will save him and LaKisha will sign off tonight.
Future prediction: Next week, Blake will be served his papers, leaving a Melinda/Jordin sing out. With Jordin pitted against Melinda, her shortcomings will be evident.
But does anyone really care?

May 8, 2007

"Beautiful" and "Exciting" Paris Pleads to Avoid Jail


Because beautiful and exciting people shouldn't have to live by the same standards as the rest of us. Or so thinks Paris Hilton. Beyond the stunning revelation that the airheaded heiress actually thinks (I think the jury's still out on that one), unbelievably, Paris is asking that her 45 day jailhouse stint be pardoned because (and try not to laugh) she provides "beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives." Still laughing? I know I am. Bitch, please. How is flashing your coochie to the photographs providing beauty and excitement? And my life isn't so mundane that seeing your private parts is going to spice it up. (But that won't keep me from writing about it, of course).
The Hilton Camp claims that they have over 900 signatures, protesting Paris' sentence. (Did the multitude of Paris pets have permission to sign this bogus petition?) They also claim that many other "celebrities" are "dismayed" at Paris being treated so unfairly. Not so with Tom Arnold. God bless him for making this statement: "I do think she should go to lockdown rehab – but not a nice one. I think it should be chosen by the judge. I've got some ideas – there's a place in Alabama that worked for Robert Downey Jr."
Ha! Paris in the pokey in Alabama! Priceless.
Seriously, if this bitch didn't have "Hilton" in her name, this wouldn't even be in debate. She violated her probation twice. After she struck a vehicle with her SUV in full view of paparazzi, and took off. What action did the State of California take then? Absolutely nothing.
Paris has been getting a free ride for a long time (actually since birth) and it's about damn time that she has to face the consequences of her actions. Throw her ass in jail. All 45 days.
If Schwarzenegger agrees to pardon this waste of space, or alleviate her full sentence in any way, I will lose all respect for him and rue the day I actually voted for him.

Waiting for the Dina Denial

Nothing says "classy" like snorting coke off a toilet seat

Because you know it's going to come. After all, we are talking about a woman who doesn't give a rat's ass about winning Mother of the Year so long as her golden ticket stays in the press and wins that elusive Oscar (ha!).
So the picture totally doesn't surprise me. Is anyone surprised that LiLo is still addicted, still imbibing, still hoovering up coke like it's going out of style? Is it really that shocking that her Wonderland stay didn't take? Or that LiLo is jetting across country to New York to "f*ck Jude Law"?
What is shocking is the Lohan Camp's silence up to this point. Having her rep deny the validity of the picture would be a waste of air, since it's clearly LiLo. Will this lead to another intervention for the troubled starlet? Will she try a rehab facility that doesn't have the "attendance optional" policy, or a drive-thru window?
And does Dina even care? Really, this woman makes the stage mother of Judy Garland look like Mary Poppins. She's tried to carve out a career of her own, by virtue of simply being the birth mother of LiLo, with no discernable talent except for being a bitch on wheels with an unbelievably ferocious capacity for denial. Remember, this is the woman who compared her oldest child to Princess Diana and claimed that LiLo wasn't really an addict, she simply needed to reign it in a little bit. I fully expect to hear Dina once again berate the press for harassing her daughter, despite the fact that her daughter has publicly claimed to enjoy the media attention (a trait she obviously inherited from her mother), and claim that LiLo is just a normal 20 year old acting like any other 20 year old does.
Speaking of LiLo's rep, how horrendous of a job must that be? Cleaning up LiLo's cross country messes, keeping her image decent enough to remain employed and dealing with the uber-beast of Dina Lohan? Oh, hell no. Hell freaking no.

Promising actress or porn star?

Keeping Up with the Joneses, Er, Beckhams

Source: Splash News

Never one to let the grass grow under his feet (after all, he has declared proudly in interviews that he doesn't sleep all night because he's too "busy") and harboring that massive ego that requires him to be Head Dick in Charge, The Little General has dropped a whopping $35 million on a new crib for the crazy Cruises. Located just two minutes as the crazy flies from the Beckhams' new Bev Hills pad (worth only a measly $22 mil), the gaudy, ostentatious and showy estate boasts seven bedrooms, nine bathrooms, a pool, tennis courts and nearly 10,000 square feet. To put an even bigger feather in his cap, the owners didn't even have the house up for sale but since The Little General can be so convincing in his arguments and allegedly made the owners an offer they couldn't refuse ("I'll give you $35 million and not put The Church of Scientology all over your ass like white on rice"), everyone signed on the dotted line. According to The Sun, the new home of The Most Amazing Family on Earth "meets all of his needs". Yep, I'll say. No word on whether or not the new place comes with a landing pad for his spaceship.

The Little General: Taking over the world one Bev Hills mansion at a time

May 4, 2007

Jada Says Katie Ain't no Wussy P*ssy

The Cruises really are so predictable, aren't they? Despite their attempts to the contrary, via the steakhouse dinners and the jaunt to Vegas to pal around with new BFF Brooke Shields, the rumor mill is still insinuating that Katie is unhappy, Katie is a prisoner of her husband and Katie is flirting with her co-star on the set of her new movie. Xenu forbid that the amazing Tom Cruise has anything but a radiantly happy marriage and a magnificent bride, so Master Cruise sent new favorite mouthpiece Jada Pinkett Smith to give People an "exclusive", i.e., written and proofed by Tom, interview. And what an interview. Really, did anyone know how uneducated Jada seems? "Tom don't run that house!" What a brilliant PR move for the Scientology-endorsed educational system the Smiths and the Cruises use for their children. Jada repeats over and over again, hitting us with the same hammer that Master Cruise loves to use, how "normal" of a couple Tom and Katie are. Katie greets you at the door and offers to feed you. They take turns feeding Suri. Their favorite activity is family movie night, where they make an "amazing" chocolate popcorn. Of course they do. Is anything this couple does short of amazing? Did Jada meet with Jane Sorkin of Vanity Fair before giving this interview? It is infested with the same pink, poofy, fluffy fairytale that the Vanity Fair article was coated with.
Anyhow, Jada blabs on and on about what good friends the Cruises are, and how they have "tons" of friends, both Scientologists and non-Scientologists, which I find humorous to the extreme. Exactly who do we see the Cruises with (other than Jada and Will and Brooke, as of late)? Nobody. I seriously doubt they have many friends and those they do have are strictly Sci. Perhaps the funniest comment Jada makes during this entire rant is that "Kate ain't no wimpy little kitty cat". Yes, she really did say that. She also claims that "Kate" is a "tigress". Please tell me that I'm not the only one who thinks that only boyfriends or husbands are the ones that call women "tigresses".
Jada also claims that Katie has a "quiet thunder", and a thunder that people are attracted to. Yeah. People are also strangely attracted to sociopaths and psychopaths so what does that prove?
Jada also claims that at the end of the day, their relationship is really no one's business. Really? So why are you mouthing off to People then? If their relationship is no one's business, then shut it.
It's really mindblowing that Master Cruise, with twenty plus years in the entertainment biz, is so shortsighted (pun fully intended) when it comes to his own PR. Overkill seems to be the name of the game. It's not enough to say "I'm happy, period." Why settle for subtle when you can go for saturation? You would think Master Cruise, king of control, would understand the subtle nuances of media manipulation. But he has proven time and again that when left to his own devices, he utterly destroys any progress that Bloch, et al. have made.
If he and his 'Bot are so happy, why the need to defend, defend, defend?
And what's with Jada being the new spokesho? Did they fire Leah Remini?

May 3, 2007

Has Idol Jumped the Shark?


Last night's American Idol was far and away the most disappointing episode of the season. Never mind the annoying stretching-the-five-minutes-at-max results into an hour - -and without a group sing. Never mind the baffling "top of the R&B charts Robin Thicke" performance that wouldn't have gotten him through an Idol audition if his dad wasn't Alan Thicke. Never mind Bon Jovi singing some song I had never heard of, and not one of their classics. Never mind the constant bitchslapping that's going on between Ryan and Simon.
In giving Phil and Chris the boot on the same night, Idol has effectively ruined and destroyed any chance of a surprise boot a week or two down the line. Honestly, we all know that Melinda should win and we've all known this for a good six weeks, at minimum. But it seems that all the excitement left the building last night, along with Mr. Stacey and Mr. Richardson.
If the votes had been tabulated separately, would both these gentlemen be gone? LaKisha got raked over the coals last week and I think she might have been packing her bags, had that happened. Jordin gave her worst performance Tuesday night, and in my humble opinion, the worst performance since Antonella Barba was voted off. She deserved a pink slip for that horrendous rendition of a Bon Jovi classic. Phil, performing immediately before her, wiped the stage with her in comparison. While Phil started off very weakly, he really came on strong these last three weeks and I cannot agree that he deserved to go home for his energetic and passionate performances the last three weeks. Say what you will, the man can sing and maybe he showed it late in the game, but last week's and this week's performances should have guaranteed him a spot in the Top 4.
Chris didn't sound better nor worse than he has in previous weeks. The only singer who has improved overall in the last three weeks was Phil, who joined Chris in no man's land. If Chris sounded the same as he has at least since there was a Top 12, Melinda has stayed consistently awesome and no one else has generally improved, how did Chris get the boot? Chris definitely had the most vocal and shrieking teen girl infestation of any Idol contestant. With the booting of Sanjaya a few weeks back, I would assume that Sanjaya's fan base (shrieking teen and tween girls) would cluster to Chris - - maybe some to Blake. So how did Chris fall behind in votes, particularly behind struggling LaKisha and newly incompetent Jordin? And did Jordin simply have an off-week, as she claimed, or did we discover that perhaps she doesn't have nearly as much talent as we (and the judges) were giving her credit for? (BTW, Miss Jordin, anyone can have an off-week, but you do it this late in the competition and you should be toast)
This leaves Blake as the sole male candidate for the remainder of season 6. Does he deserve to be there? He is talented with the beat boxing. He has a great personality and he comes alive on stage (a problem both Phil and Chris had). But his voice isn't nearly as strong as Phil's. His appeal may not nearly be as wide or generic as Chris'. Does he fit The Powers That Be's criteria for an Idol? I don't think so. I also don't think LaKisha does either. And, surprisingly, nor does Melinda. That leaves Jordin, who Idol has been pushing for weeks.
I think we will come down to a finale between Melinda and Jordin. I think The Powers That Be dreamt this up weeks ago. I think they pimped Chris until last week, when they decided they no longer had use for him. I think they wanted Phil gone for the last three weeks and did their best to get rid of him by putting him in the craptastic first slot twice - - and I don't believe for a minute that Phil was a bottom vote getter. No way. He committed an Idol sin by opening up a can of whup-ass onstage and keeping himself around for longer than Idol wanted. Go, Phil! I hope you get signed to a country music label and go on to far greater success than the judges or Idol ever gave you credit for.
I have no worries for Chris. While he may not set the music world on fire, he has definite potential being a teen idol and maybe he'll guest on Supernatural or Heroes or get his own show.
I worry about the future for American Idol though. It seems many people have lost interest over this season and many people were disappointed with last night's show. While the presence of Sanjaya irritated some, he provided a welcome entertainment and lots of press. With him gone, and now with their best male vocalist (Phil) and teen dream (Chris) off the stage, where's the excitement? Where's the interest? I don't know, but I sense some shenanigans going on behind the scenes at Idol. For all their apparent manipulation to control who's going to be the next Idol, I can't see that the next 3 weeks is going to bring in 65-70 million votes. I, for one, will no longer be tying up the phone lines.
Gentlemen: thanks for the memories





May 2, 2007

Idle Chatter

Another Hollywood marriage bites the dust! JENNIFER ESPOSITO and BRADLEY COOPER (yeah, I don't really know who they are either) are calling it a day after all of four months of marriage. Interestingly enough, Esposito is asking for spousal support in her divorce papers, but requesting that Cooper receive no support and pay for her legal fees (of which she'd have very few if she didn't ask for spousal support). Didn't she appear in Crash? She probably made more money from that one role than I've made in ten years of working, so why does she need spousal support? Because Bradley Cooper gave her a lifestyle during all four months of their marriage that she'd like to maintain? Esposito's rep has said the standard and dull line about his/her client wanting her privacy at this time, which is pretty darn funny because most celebrities want privacy about as much as the normal person wants herpes. Cooper's mouthpiece has called the split "mutual" and says the couple have been separated "for quite a while". Does time move super fast in Hollywood? Can anyone legitimately call any length of time under four months "quite a while"? Were they separated before they actually married? I'm baffled.

Breaking news!! KATEBOT actually turns up on the set of her movie Mad Money! Unbelievable as it may seem, she is actually doing some sort of something down in Shreveport for her first post-TomKat film. According to LifeStyle magazine, she was seen "flirting" with co-star Adam Rothenberg and as evidenced from the attached picture, the paid and programmed allegedly legally bound property of The Little General, looks close to death from the near encounter of a male other than her employer. Could the KateBot be in need of recharging, reprogramming or a new battery? Highly unlikely. Knowing The Little General, his contracts are iron-clad and we all know how much KateBot loves shopping at Barney's with his American Express.

American Idol: Idol Giveth and Idol Taketh Away



Last night's American Idol was quite possibly the best (so far) of the season. Jon Bon Jovi was the guest mentor and theme was (wait for it) Bon Jovi songs! As a teen during the 80s, I was all over this theme before the night even started.
Phil, once again, gets the craptastic first spot. I'm thinking that American Idol is being very shifty and deceitful here. Phil got the craptastic first slot two weeks ago, when it was country night and he performed Keith Urban's "Where the Blacktop Ends". So how on earth can he possibly be up yet again? Patently obvious that Idol is ready for Phil to go home - - and just as Phil is owning his performances. So Phil chooses "Blaze of Glory". I honestly thought he would take "Wanted Dead or Alive", which is my all-time favorite Bon Jovi song - - although "Blaze" is definitely in my top 5. Once Phil begins singing though, it's pretty obvious (at least to my Idol obsessed mind) that Phil made a great song choice. Even Jon Bon Jovi tells Phil during his rehearsal that he hit every recorded note perfectly. Bravo. Randy name drops and then tells Phil that was quite possibly the best opening performance they had all season. Paula also gives Phil the love, so of course it's up to Simon, if he wants those big paychecks that Idol is writing him, to piss all over Phil's parade and bitch him out for not being more original and telling him that halfway through his performance he was acting like he thought a rock star should act and he would fail the audition. Beyond the ridiculous fact that every performer up there is, ahem, performing, I think Simon has his panties in a bunch because he wanted to firmly put Phil in the country music box and have him stay there. Simon also tells Phil that he didn't do enough to stay for another week, which is particularly bitchy seeing as how Phil gave a good performance and he was the first performer of the night (again!) so it's not like Simon can compare his performance to anyone else's. Yet.
So Jordin is up next and she enthusiastically states that she's chosen "Livin' on a Prayer". During her rehearsal with Jon Bon Jovi, she tells him (as only a child would) that her mother grew up on Bon Jovi and got her into the music. Nice. So I'm sure that JBJ is feeling around 100, and also wondering why, if Jordin grew up on his music, she butchers his tune so badly. I like Jordin, I really do. But girlfriend slaughters this song. She makes it sound like ass. To say that she sounded like karaoke would be overly kind and a bit cruel to kareoke singers around the world. Seriously. The only good news for Jordin is that she did very well last week and since they are carrying the votes over, she should be safe. The judges were probably in a state of shock, since they are so used to tongue bathing Jordin and reminding everyone how young she is. No one likes it, although Paula reminds Jordin that she's still great. Simon tells Jordin that her appearance reminds him of The Addams Family and she sounded shrieky.
LaKisha and her tight jeans are next and after having her ass handed to her on a platter for the last two weeks, she isn't venturing far out of her comfort zone. She's chosen "This Ain't a Love Song", a bluesy and soulful song and a perfect choice for her voice. JBJ says he isn't a betting man, but if he was, he would bet that LaKisha won't be going home. Obviously JBJ didn't watch Idol last week where Ryan explained how the votes from last week would be carried over and added to the votes this week. In any event, LaKisha finally came back and reclaimed that Idol stage, but, again, since the votes are being carried over, girlfriend may still be in danger. All of the judges loved her performance, with Simon so moved that he actually kisses her right on the mouth and Ryan noticing, and perhaps getting a little too excited that Simon has LaKisha's lipstick on him.
Blake is up next and he's informed us that he's chosen "You Give Love a Bad Name" and he's done something different with it, which JBJ echoes and voices some worry that Blake is going out on a limb. So, of course, I'm wondering if Blake is going to sing it in Spanish, or sign it for the hearing impaired, because beatboxing is not going out on a limb for Blake. But beatboxing it is, and it is different, as JBJ had worried about, but it sounds pretty good, like a high beat dance mix. Beatboxing Blake is far more interesting and exciting than vocals-only, let me cry you a river, soulful Blake. The judges tell him that he definitely gets the award for the most original of the night and even Simon's mom was rocking out to it. Blake even colored his hair darker for the occasion. Why, I couldn't say.
Chris is up next, and after a viewer question, in which Ryan addresses Chris as "Justin Timberlake" (gag), Chris tells us that he's chosen "Wanted Dead or Alive" and that someone had to do it. Okay. I want to like Chris, I really do. He seems like a nice guy. But this was a wrong choice for him. JBJ even told him that the song needed to be sung with a sadness, not all glorious, if it was to work and connect with the audience. Chris simply doesn't have the voice to carry it off - - he's too high pitched for the deep resonance needed for this song. The judges giving him passing grades, not his usual tongue bath, and Simon even tells him that his performance may not have been enough to keep him around for another week.
Melinda gets the pimp position and she's adorably cute as she tells us that she's chosen "Have a Nice Day" but she's not a rocker chick and doesn't know how to be a rocker chick. JBJ promises her he can teach her, since she's got the pipes and the soul to really bring it. And he must have taught her something, because girlfriend comes out with attitude. She certainly doesn't look uncomfortable up there and I think this is the main problem with LaKisha. LaKisha has the pipes as well, but she doesn't have the attitude to really work it the way Melinda can and does. The judges are almost orgasmic over her performance and rightfully state that Melinda reminded them of Tina Turner. Simon also repeats, as he has many a time this season, that Melinda is a completely different league than the other singers.
So who will go home? Two will leave tonight and it's hard to say. Obviously Idol wants to send Phil packing - - but I think his performances over the last 3 weeks have been consistently good to excellent and the only other singer who can claim that is Melinda. I think Chris' time is up and he may get the pink slip tonight. LaKisha may well join him, since she's had a shaky last couple of weeks and she was in the bottom 2 two weeks ago. While Blake redeemed himself last night, I'm not sure how well his version of Lennon's "Imagine" went over last week. I think Jordin would probably be the bottom vote getter just from the performances last night, but last week she did very well. So it's still anyone's game at the moment.