December 13, 2008

Tommy Takes His Fuckery to Leno

As part of the Rehabilitation Tour, the Mini Messiah decided to grace Jay Leno with his presence and assault his eardrums with a painful rendition of Elvis Presley's "Blue Suede Shoes". What lead to such audio abuse, you wonder? Tommy's desire to do a musical. That's right, apparently The! (Self-Proclaimed) Greatest! Movie! Star! Ever! wants to kick up his (man) heels and sashay across the Broadway stage, joining his contract wife in proving that if you know the right people and possess a large enough bank account, nearly anyone can get on stage.

Tommy and his Cruise Camp must be desperate at this point because I cannot recall ever hearing him mention wanting to do Broadway previously. Oh, I'm sure he loves the musicals and I'd be willing to bet he's got his own sequins and boas at home for those "special occasions" but if it was 1996 again, does anyone think that he would be publicly expressing a desire to appear on stage?

No, didn't think so. Anyhow, I felt so traumatized by listening to the Official Scientology Poster Boy do a ridiculous Elvis impersonation - followed by a truly disturbing version of Tommy doing the Elvis-esque dance and gyrations - that I didn't bother listening to the rest of the interview. Not that I imagine I missed much.

Let's be real. Tommy is on auto-pilot. He has been given a script and he's executing it beautifully. No discussion on Scientology. No discussion on prescription drugs (most especially the ones that he must be taking in order to appear so calm and rational). Speak only of Valkyrie and professional goals.

Heck, in the bit I saw he didn't even discuss his amazing love with the magnificent Kate. Thank Xenu for small favors.
If you're feeling particularly self-destructive today and want to see Tommy in all his musical glory, go here:

December 12, 2008


Source: DListed

I am beginning to think that being a member of Joe Simpson's family and being a dumbass are genetically linked, absolutely no way to be avoided.
Let's start with Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. They had a little boy last month and as if Pete and Ashlee being his parents wasn't punishment enough, they inflicted the name of Bronx Mowgli Wentz on him. For the love of God, why? Bronx Wentz sounds like a medical journal or some type of viral strain and Mowgli? I cannot imagine how many drugs would be necessary to eat up your brain cells to make such a cruel decision.
So after the birth of the unfortunately named Bronx, the Wentzes have been quiet. Strategically quiet, as the case may have been. Seems that Joe Simpson, Ashlee's pervy papa, was shopping baby Bronx photos around to the highest bidder.

In the market that paid upwards of $10 million for the Jolie-Pitt twins, Papa Joe was coming up empty. That's right. No one is interested in the Wentz baby. At least not interested enough to throw the number of dollars at them I am sure Papa Joe is convinced they deserve.

So these two (three, if you include Papa Joe) come off looking greedy, desperate and foolish.

Moving on to Jessica Simpson. This girl has never offended me to the level that some people absolutely cannot stand her. I don't think she's close to being the sharpest tool in the shed but I don't believe she is nearly as dumb as she (and Papa Joe) would like everyone to think.

That being said, where the girl absolutely lacks any intelligence or common sense at all is in her personal relationships. Or perhaps I should say relationships because she seems utterly incapable of keeping them personal. Her marriage to Nick Lachey failed due in large part to the intrusion of MTV's Newlyweds on their lives - - a maneuver set up by Papa Joe. Who, as Jessica's manager and a producer of the show, impeded on Nick and Jessica's personal lives to a disturbing and perverted level.

Since her divorce, Jessica has literally been an open book on her life. Blabbing about dating the douchey John Mayer probably didn't bring about the end of that relationship but I'm sure it helped to speed things up. (Ultimately a blessing, I feel confident).

So now she's been dating Tony Romo for nearly a year. She has made no secret of her feelings for the Dallas quarterback and even appeared on People's cover, to proclaim herself in love and "finally" with the right person. Yep, no pressure there! And this was after Romo supposedly broke off their relationship (temporarily) due to the constant presence of Papa Joe in Jessica's personal life and in their relationship. That was bad enough but apparently Jess managed to squeeze through without a scrape, despite telling the staff writer at People that she wanted to marry again (hint hint) and she wanted children (hint hint).

Now she's allegedly telling friends (who tell their friends, who tell their friends who eventually speak to the media) that she's hoping to get an engagement ring for Christmas. It's possible this is baseless gossip but knowing what we know about Jess, I'm betting this is true. She's made no secret of the fact that she's in love with Tony Romo, that she wants to marry Tony Romo and she wants to have kids. Her younger sister got married this year and just had a baby last month. So, again, I'm thinking that if these exact words didn't come out of Jess's mouth, something very similar to them did.

If you're Tony Romo, what do you do? He's supposedly bought a house in Texas and invited a roommate to live with him. Not exactly the actions of someone who might be ready to settle down. The Dallas fans hate Jessica and make no secret of this. Her father doesn't appear likely to step out of Jessica's professional and personal business and fade quietly into the background. I'm not saying that Tony doesn't love Jess but she does come with an awful lot of baggage. And you know that if they do get engaged or married, it won't be long before she's shooting off her mouth to People or whoever else will put her on their cover, with details about the proposal, wedding plans and their honeymoon night.

I think Jessica would go much further if she would simply keep the details to herself - - or at least to a few trusted girlfriends. Going public will eventually backfire on her.

Lohan's Leggings Flying Off Shelves

Credit: Albert Michael/Startraks

I read about this on other sites and I have to admit that I'm puzzled by it.

The claim is that Lindsay Lohan's $100+ leggings are selling out and merchants can't keep them in stock. I am confused by many things here.

First, is anyone besides Lohan still wearing leggings outside of the gym and yoga class? Secondly, who on earth would pay $100+ for a pair of leggings? I can go pick some up at Target for around $10 and who would know the difference? Is anyone going to know that you are wearing Lindsay Lohan leggings versus Mossimo or whatever other brand Target is carrying nowadays? Do the Lohan leggings come with a nail file to bust out of jail, or your very own roach? Because other than attaching a so-so drug addled actress' name to them I don't see how they can be vastly different from Target.

Which leads me to another point. Lohan decided that because she loved leggings so much she would design her own. Exactly what goes into designing a pair of leggings? Other than the fabric color and/or design they are pretty much the same. Okay, maybe Lohan made the call on whether or not they should cut off high on the calf or down by the ankle. But is that "designing" leggings? I know if you're Sheree Whitfield from Real Housewives of Atlanta that would qualify as being a designer but let's get real (ha, no pun intended).

Lohan as a designer is about as genius as the guy who invented the pet rock, and probably requires her to put just as much effort into it. On second thought, the dude who invented the pet rock is far more entrepreneurial than Lohan - - he convinced millions of people to fork over money for a rock with glued-on eyes. Without her infamous surname there is no way Lohan would be getting $100+ per pair of leggings, much less selling out.

December 11, 2008

An Early Christmas Present!

Source: DListed
Boy, Tom Cruise is saturating the media this week, isn't he? It's not like he has a film coming out . . . oh wait.

This is literally too good to be true. The Mini Messiah was in Toronto, giving interviews for Valkyrie (I suppose he's hoping that someone in Canada will go see this potential bomb since we Americans don't give a rat's ass about Tommy's movies much anymore), and he lost his Blackberry! Ha!

Now remember, this is a man who claimed that he didn't have modern technology - - he didn't own a cellphone, watch or Blackberry - - despite the fact that he'd been photographed wearing or using all three.

So apparently Tommy realized the gadget was missing after he gave some sure to be boring ass interview, asked around and no one copped to having found or stolen the device. Score!

I hope and pray that some heartless, materialistic soul sells the information on that Blackberry to the National Enquirer. I know the Enquirer will print all the goodies on Tommy's phone, from copies of his contract with Katie to a remote-start switch that activates her.

If you have his Blackberry, contact me. I'd be willing to take my son's Christmas presents back to the store for cash to pay you for those contents.

Please, please, let it be so. Christmas would come early this year!

Which One of These is Not Like the Other?

Source: DListed

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association announced the nominations for the Golden Globes today and . . . well, you figure it out.


Let's see. Robert Downey, Jr. is an award winning actor. Ralph Fiennes is an award winning actor. Philip Seymour Hoffman is an award winning actor. Heath Ledger is an award winning actor. Tom Cruise is . . . well, Barbara Walters says he's real fascinating! Honestly. Downey Jr., Fiennes, Hoffman and Ledger are all well respected, serious thespians. Tommy is too busy fighting body thetans to be a serious thespian!

I want to know who Tommy paid in Hollywood because this shit has got to be a joke. Okay, I didn't see Tropic Thunder but I watched Tommy's little cameo online, like everyone else. I didn't think it was that funny. What's so funny about watching Jerry Maguire ten years later and a hundred pounds heavier?

If the old rule of thumb holds out, Tommy and Robert Downey Jr. will cancel each other out (for being nominated for the same film), so that will leave Hoffman, Fiennes and Ledger.

I'm going to put my money on Ledger, who turned in a brilliant performance as a brilliant, sociopathic, demented Joker. A win for him would be well deserved.


December 10, 2008

Tom and Katie Are Reliving 2005

Because Tiny Pants has a movie coming out and he is desperate to not only have it make money but to get back in the public's good graces, he and his robotic contract wife are pulling out all the stops. Evidently the next move in their current PR blitz is to rehash their neverending love story.

Both idiots appear on separate covers of the New York Times Style Magazine, each one interviewed separately but each one attempting to send me into sugar overload with the goopy retelling of how amazing their love is.

"When I met Tom I was completely in love and, yes, I admired him growing up – he's Tom Cruise! … When I met him, he was so warm and I thought, Wow! You can be a superstar and a human being. He made me feel so amazing."

So says Katie. How dumb is this girl anyway? "You can be a superstar and a human being"? Seriously? I don't believe for one moment that this was a legitimate thought that crossed Katie's mind. I actually don't believe a legitimate thought has crossed Katie's mind since she signed the contract, but I digress. Whatever Cruise Camp staff writer came up with this nonsense should be fired for thinking we are all tween girls who will giggle and squee, thinking that Tom Cruise is the bestest movie star ever because he's a human being!

And someone needs to tell Katie that it's time for a literacy upgrade because she's used up all her rations of "amazing".

"My life has expanded. My family and friends are all part of this bigger life. I have too much to do. I'm a mom and an actress with a play to do every night. I can't pay attention to all that noise."

By noise, Katie isn't referring to the various voices in her head. Oh no, she's talking about the media and the tabloids. You know, the Cruises' lifeblood. And for this chick to claim that her friends and family are part of this bigger life, well, that's pretty disingenuous. Can her family even see Katie without booking an appointment through Master Cruise? And has she retained one friend she had prior to her Cruise connection? Didn't think so. As far as a "bigger life", my guess is that she's referring to the great, big fat lie her life has become. I'm sure it's exhausting pretended to be married to a gay little elf, who insists on shoving you in the sauna and spiking your drinks with Niacin. Makes me tired just thinking about it.

"I knew I wanted to marry Kate when I met her. After our very first date, I was sure. At one point, I thought she was going to ask me to marry her first and I cut her off by changing the subject. I wanted to ask her."

So says the Captain of Crazy. He also claims that he bought her engagement ring after their first date. Wow, Katie must have been a quick signer.

Seriously though. Who on earth buys an engagement ring after a first date? Does Tommy think it makes him sound more romantic, or their love sound more genuine? Because I'm thinking "stalker" here, not "romantic".

And these pictures. WTH is going on? Are they trying to look serious? Like seriously creepy? Because there is absolutely no life in them. None at all.

Brad Pushing Benjamin Button

Source: Us magazine
Just so no one thinks that I am only busting Captain Tiny Pants' chops about hitting up and any available media circuits to sell his current movie, Brad Pitt is on the cover of Rolling Stone (great, now that song will go through my head all damn day), talking about his new release (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button) and sporting a particularly atrocious looking 'stache.

What I really want to comment on, however, has to do with his quotes about Angelina Jolie. BP was asked about the New York Times piece on AJ's "carefully orchestrated image". BP got all up in a dither, going to town about defending AJ and saying "It sounded to me like the story made Angie out to be manipulative in some way. She is savvy. I get defensive. [They're] talking about not only the woman I love, but one of the people on this planet who I have the greatest respect for. I think she's as honorable as anyone I've ever met.”

Uh-HUH. Now I think what AJ (and by extension, BP) does for charitable causes is great. I would think if O.J. Simpson did charitable work it would be great. He would still be a scum-sucking murderer but you should never knock true charity work. Anyhow, I digress.

Maybe I'm splitting hairs but any woman who began a relationship with a married man isn't exactly a woman I would considerable "honorable". I know all the Brangelunatics out there will stomp their feet, hold their breath and break out their book of excuses - - the marriage was over in all but name, nothing happened until after Brad and Jennifer were separated/divorced, Jennifer Aniston is the Antichrist. Whatever. Fact remains, he was a married man when he set foot on the Mr. and Mrs. Smith set. And no, I don't consider Angelina Jolie 100% responsible - - BP was the one who was married.

BP also gave out the following gems:

"Angie and I do not fight anymore. What occurred to me on this film, and also with the passing of her mother [actress Marcheline Bertrand in 2007], is that there's going to come a time when I'm not going to get to be with this person anymore. I'm not going to get to be with my children anymore. Or friends, people I love and respect. And so, if we have a flare-up, it evaporates now. I don't want to waste time being angry at someone I love."

"She's definitely more experienced (when it comes to flying). Yeah, she's badass.”

"Because you know ... six kids," he says. "Because I fell in love." (on why Mr. and Mrs. Smith is his favorite movie of hers).

Do I think BP is in love with her? Yes, I do. I think he's madly, passionately, crazy in love with her. Do I think she feels the same for him? Hmmm . . . Perhaps. For some reason, whenever I see them together, despite the fact that I do believe they are totally into each other, I get the gut feeling that she wanted a man, wanted more children and BP fit the bill perfectly. I don't think she's nearly as into him as he is into her. And I don't get the vibe they will stay together long term.

Rolling Stone hits the stands on Friday.

NBC Continues Its Inexplicable Cancellations

This time with My Own Worst Enemy.

I should have known better. I began watching The Black Donnellys and NBC heartlessly cancelled it. The following season, I began watching Journeyman and again, NBC heartlessly cancelled it. This season, I tuned in to MOWE mainly due to Christian Slater.

Christian Slater used to not only be in my Freebie Five, he was my Freebie Five. He was the living end, as far as I was concerned, and I would watch anything he was in (evidenced by my viewing of Mobsters, Kuffs and Very Bad Things).

Surely any television program Mr. Slater wished to become attached to would be worthy of airing. Or at least giving it a chance to get legs.

Not if you're an executive at NBC. Apparently those clowns wouldn't realize a hit show if it crawled up their ass and laid a golden egg.

MOWE's cancellation - - like Donnellys and Journeyman, before the holiday season and before given time to gain an appreciative audience - - is all the more grievous when compared to what Heroes has become this season (and, well, last season). Heroes was like the Holy Grail during its freshman year - - pure, untouched and novel. There were more central characters than you usually see on a primetime (not reality) show but the viewer knew they tied together in some fashion and could hardly wait for the resolution at the end of the season. Since that time, however, Heroes has been the television equivalent of Tom Cruise - - unpredictable, manic and batshit crazy. Characters brought in, characters dropped and forgotten. Longstanding characters having their backstories re-written this season after we saw for ourselves what happened during Season One. The constant changing of the future and the past - - so much so that I'm wondering what I was watching over two years ago because I don't remember any of the chum Heroes is throwing at me now. Sylar's a good guy? No, wait Sylar's a bad guy. No, he's a good guy and he's going by Gabriel and he's good while he's with Elle, despite the fact that her mission with The Company was to incite his serial killer side. No, he's bad again because Elle lied. Sylar is a Petrelli. No, no he's not. Arthur Petrelli's dead. Oh no, he's not. Niki's dead although we never got clear resolution of that but her lookalike Tracy has shown up and she's deadly dull. Mohinder used to be smart but after shtooping Maya he lost all his IQ points and now he's pretty but dumb. Hiro was trapped in 17th century Japan last season; this season, he's trapped in his 10 year old mind (although brownie points to whoever brought on the wonderful Breckin Meyer and Seth Green to play comic book store proprietors).

So NBC has stuck with Heroes, despite the ratings fall off, despite the gripes of viewers and frustrations. They have even stuck, surprisingly, with Chuck, it's 8 p.m. lead-in show - - a show that's goofy, silly and irrelevant.

So why cancel MOWE? The backstory is interesting - - Edward is a CIA operative who, for his protection, is given a dual persona, Henry, who is married, has children and lives a "boring" suburban life. When necessary (i.e., a hitman is needed), Edward is supposed to be activated while Henry "goes to sleep". However, there is a little glitch in Edward/Henry's mainframe and Edward tends to wake up on Henry's time and Henry tends to wake up on Edward's. Most definitely novel for primetime t.v. and Slater is doing a commendable job, most especially portraying Henry. We are used to seeing Slater doing his cocky Jack Nicholson-esque impersonations, which is the heart of Edward. Cocky, self-assured and mostly apathetic. Seeing Slater playing a frazzled, scared and utterly confused Henry is worth the show itself. Add in fellow operative Raymond, who is meek Tom when Raymond is asleep, played to perfection by Mike O'Malley, as well as Alfre Woodard as Edward's boss Mavis and you have a potential winner.

Shame on you, NBC.

December 1, 2008

Damn You, Tom Cruise


In case you have been living under a rock or hiding out with the likes of Jimmy Hoffa, Elvis and Jim Morrison (because the latter two have to be chilling somewhere other than the likes of a Midwestern Burger King), the King of Tiny has a new movie opening on Christmas Day, Valkyrie. Valkyrie is about Claus von Stauffenberg, a German officer who wanted to assassinate Hitler during World War II. Yes, I know. It sounds like cheery holiday fare, doesn't it?

Valkyrie has been plagued by ever-changing release dates. Initially the movie was to have opened this past August. Then it was shuffled to the no man's land of February 2009 (movies with little hope of recognition or money making abilities traditionally open in the usually dead January or February). Then it was moved once again to Christmas Day but (and here's the kicker) with no advance previews for critics.

Do you hear the sound of crickets? I sure do. For all the supposed chatter (which I expect originated from those voices in Tom Cruise's head) about Valkyrie being so well done, so amazing, so dramatic it has Oscar written all over it, it is highly, highly surprising (and more than just a little bit suspicious) that not one single respected critic has viewed the film. And no, Tom, your Scientology buddies don't count.

What does that mean to me? I think it means that TPTB don't have much faith in Valkyrie. They are scared. Scared that any advance crucifyings by the critics will destroy Valkyrie. After all, Valkyrie is facing some tough competition at the box office come December 25. Brad Pitt's The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson's Marley and Me; Adam Sandler's Bedtime Stories; Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet's Revolutionary Road and Will Smith's Seven Pounds all open at or around the same time. Some curiosity seekers may fork over a ten spot to watch Tommy prance about in Nazi getup, but if the critics roast the flick prior to Christmas, would Valkyrie really be the choice?

That being said, were it not for the fact that Scientology's biggest spokeshole were helming this ship, I would be interested in seeing Valkyrie. The story itself sounds interesting. Yes, we all know that von Stauffenberg's plan failed but we also knew the Titanic would sink and look at how many tickets were sold to see that happen. I don't think knowing the outcome is going to hurt Valkyrie's chances at the box office. I think the Tom Cruise connection will.

Can we take Tom Cruise seriously as Claus von Stauffenberg? He is the only actor to not portray his character with a German accent. von Stauffenberg was German, he did speak with a German accent so why the laziness, Tom? Did Tom go back to his Born on the Fourth of July/Magnolia days and find some acting chops when portraying von Stauffenberg or did he simply rely on his smile and throw 'em some action maneuvers? Because no matter how much Tom or director Bryan Singer or anyone else at UA wants us to believe that Valkyrie is an action film, it simply isn't. Valkyrie should be an in-depth study of the horrors of war and how one man tried to eradicate the evil that was consuming his country - - not Tom Cruise putting on an eye patch and trying to convince us that is his way of really stretching as an actor and going outside the box.

I feel for Valkyrie. Bryan Singer is a talented director. The supporting cast is stellar. Claus von Stauffenberg deserves an honorable film. But I don't know that Tom Cruise is the one to deliver it - - and he may well be the one to sink it.

November 29, 2008

Psychotic Review: Transporter 3

Jason Statham is back as that irrepressible suit-wearing, Audi-loving and ass kicking "transporter" Frank Martin in the third installment of the almost cult-like Transporter franchise.

Be prepared for disappointment, however. The first two Transporters kicked some major ass. They had everything. Fight scenes to drool over, fancy driving and Jason Statham giving us some nice eye candy, both dressed and undressed. However, T3 leaves a lot to be desired.

This time Frank is forcefully contracted to drive the Ukrainian Valentina from Marseilles to Stuttgart and Budapest. It appears that Valentina is the kidnapped daughter of the head of the Environmental Protection Agency in the Ukraine. And this is the root of the problem with T3. Too much attention is focused on Valentina and Frank and Valentina - - a romantic duo, by the way, which is forced down the viewer's throats with as much discretion and gentleness as Chef Gordon Ramsey voices his displeasure. Too much so-called romance and not enough fighting and driving. Boo hiss, T3.

Add to that the fact that Valentina is quite possibly the most annoying leading lady to ever be captured on film. Would Frank/Statham really put up with her mouthy obnoxiousness? I was hoping he would throw her out the window, take her out of the equation and get back to his normal fight scenes (which consist of Statham taking on 4-6 opponents simultaneously, with him managing to wriggle out of his shirt and still win).

Don't waste your $10 to see this installment, unless you simply want to watch Statham for an hour and a half. Wait for the movie on DVD or cable. And hold your breath that the sequel to Crank will be infinitely better.

November 24, 2008

Psychotic Review: Here's the Story: Surviving Marcia Brady and Finding My True Voice

As a fan of all things Brady Bunch, I was looking forward to Maureen ("Marcia Brady") McCormick's autobiography if, for no other reason, than to hear (hopefully) a little more behind-the-scenes dirt on what really happened during the filming of the Bunch. Yes, I read Barry Williams' Growing Up Brady back in the early 90s, but I figured Ms. McCormick could tell us more.

Upon hearing early reviews that McCormick admitted to being a cocaine addict and suffering from depression and fears of going insane, I really considered giving this book a pass. Honestly, I didn't want to destroy the warm fuzzy image of the impossibly perfect Bradys. Yet, temptation got me and I gave this book a read.

I was not able to read it in one sitting, primarily because the material was so raw, so honest that it was almost painfully overwhelming. Ms. McCormick could have left a great deal of material out, to protect herself, and she did not. She was brutally honest - - she came from a very fractured family (a mother suffering from mental illness, a father who cheated and found God, one older brother who was a classic overachiever, one older brother who fell into drugs and led a groundless life and an older brother who suffered from mental disabilities), she suffered personally and professionally from Marcia Brady's perfectionism and she was addicted to cocaine for years. Her cocaine addiction was so bad, in fact, that she broke off one relationship because she loved the drug more than the man, she dated one man because he could get her drugs and she lost countless opportunities because of coke. (An interview with Steven Spielberg, where she showed up high, as well as a first date with Steve Martin that went nowhere because she was stoned). She also admits allowing a man to videotape her so that she might get drugs. Most definitely not very Brady-esque.

However, throughout the book, McCormick is exceedingly likable. Even at her rock bottom worst, you want her to get better because she's so damn nice. She makes no excuses for her behavior and her road was not an easy one. She didn't recover overnight; in fact, it took years for her to reach a good place. Years during which her career stalled, her marriage got rocky, she became a mother and her birth family imploded. For anyone who might believe that McCormick wrote this book purely for money, I would suggest you read it first. I hardly think money was the driving force, if any motivation, here. I think McCormick wrote it now because she was finally able to put her demons at rest - - nearly 40 years after appearing as Marcia Brady.
And I say good for her and much continued success.
Frankly, my only complaint about this book is not enough information on the original Brady Bunch - - not surprising though when you read about what McCormick was going through in her personal life. And what a pleasant surprise to know that not only did her Brady Brides husband Jerry "Wally Logan" Houser become a good friend to her but eventually helped to start her on the right path.
Most definitely a thumbs up and a "must read".

October 25, 2008

Psychotic Review: 90210

I'm a bit slow coming in with this review but since 90210 has been on a brief hiatus, it's all good.

I will admit I didn't expect much with this new incarnation. And I'm not disappointed or surprised. 90210 firmly ranks as a mediocre show, exactly what I thought it would be.

The premise is similar to the original Beverly Hills 90210 - - wholesome family from wholesome out of town locale moves to Beverly Hills and tries to adapt. In the original, it was the Walsh family from Minneapolis- - father Jim, mother Cindy and teen kids, twins Brandon and Brenda. In the new version, it's the Wilson family from Kansas City - - father Harry, mother Debbie and teen kids, Annie and adopted son Dixon. Oh, and Harry was brought up in Beverly Hills and the kids have spent summers there.

That, obviously, is problem #1. There is no fish out of water story. The entire family has been there before and the dad is from there. Further, they are moving in with Harry's mom, feisty Tabatha, in her mansion. While I do like Harry (Rob Estes is quite yummy), so far the writers have given Debbie little to do, other than moan about the kids growing up and butting heads with Tabatha. Give the woman a storyline or kill her off so Harry can be a single dad. That would be more interesting. I do like Dixon - - they seemed to develop his character somewhat. Not only did they make him adopted, but they made him African-American in this whiter than white family. And Tristan Wilde does a respectful job with him. Annie, however, is another story.

Which is problem #2. Annie. I never watched DeGrassi High so I really don't understand how Shenae Grimes got a following, much less this job. She preens, she giggles, she squints and tosses her humongous hair - - when she's not blinding the audience with her toothy grin or berating Harry for some inane misstep she believes he's taken. Annie is completely unrelatable. She transitions into a new high school with barely a blip on the overactive teenage radar. We don't see her worry over her "Kansas clothes", as Brenda Walsh did. We don't see her worry about making friends or even being behind in studies. No, instead, we see her getting the lead in the school play during her first week. Ho hum. Yawn. Annie needs to be dirtied up, so to speak. Her supposed perfection is boring and annoying. And while they're at it, the producers and writers need to feed Ms. Grimes a few sandwiches. Her jutting collarbone is unnerving.

Problem #3. We need scorecards to keep track. BH 90210 did end up with quite a few characters - - but when the show started, it centered on the Walshes and a few core friends. 90210 decided to bypass that "getting to know you" period and cram as many characters and potential storylines in the first several episodes as possible. We have the Wilsons, we have Tabatha, we have Ethan, a former summer crush of Annie's, who has a brother with Asperger's and who is dating spoiled princess Naomi, who is not only friends with Adriana, who has a drug problem and a starstruck mother, but also the second daughter of a couple who is going through marital problems because her father is cheating on her mother. Naomi used to be friends with Silver (who, once upon a time in BH 90210, was known as Erin Silver) but blabbed about Silver's family problems to everyone at school. Silver is the younger sister of Kelly Taylor, BH 90210's resident boyfriend stealer/melodramatic queen who is now (inexplicably) West Beverly's guidance counselor (guess there isn't a single situation any of these kids can present Kelly with that she hasn't gone through herself). Kelly and Harry (Dixon and Annie's dad) used to know each other, back in the day, and Harry is now West Beverly's principal. Kelly finds herself attracted to English teacher Ryan, who is close to a decade younger than her, and also instructs students George (jerky jock), and Navid (brainy kid whose dad is a porn producer), who becomes friendly with Dixon, who soon crushes on Silver, who moves in with Kelly after mom Jackie gives in to her alcoholism again, but not before Brenda Walsh returns to direct the school play and perhaps make a play on Ryan. Oh yeah, Dixon gets a part-time job at the Peach Pit, where Nat is still working and still reminiscing about Brandon, who apparently has a wife and kids somewhere. Got that? And that's only after five or six episodes.

So what's good about 90210? Tristan Wilde, Jessica Stroup (Silver) and Jessica Lowndes (Adriana). All three actors are talented and their scenes are the best among the new crowd.

Having the old characters. Kelly and Brenda rock. The show needs to bring Brenda back pronto. Seeing Nat is good - - although the Dr. Pepper sponsorship is brutally obvious. Unless Nat works in a Dr. Pepper factory, no way are there going to be that many signs. How about bringing back Steve or David and Donna? Even Andrea Zuckerman would be welcome.

The music. So far, the music is good. I don't know the artists and am not familiar with the music, but it sounds good.

Will this new version of 90210 make it? Right now, it's walking a very thin line. It's already been cancelled in Australia. It's been on a hiatus for the last several weeks - - a fairly crucial time in a new fall schedule. However, writers from Gossip Girl have taken over and that can only be an improvement. Let's hope the show comes back from the hiatus with a renewed focus . . . and not a pink slip.

October 24, 2008

Under the Influence

Has it really been two months since my last post? Geez . . . and it certainly hasn't been quiet in Celebrity Land.

I haven't been under a rock, I've been under the influence and spell of Twilight. Yes, I've fallen. Fallen hard. No longer can I scoff at the denizens of people on Yahoo answers who chatter about nothing but Twilight. Because I am one of them.

Seriously, if you haven't read the series, start now. It's marketed as a teen book, but it's really much more. Think of Harry Potter but set in Washington State and with vampires.

I promise you won't regret it . . . although your personal life may take a backseat until you make your way through all four books.

And don't forget . . . Twilight the movie opens next month!!


August 20, 2008

The New Peach Pit?

If you have read my previous posts, you know that I am a fanatical lover of the cheese known as the original Beverly Hills 90210. No logical reason why, I just do.

The CW, in its questionable wisdom, decided that a new 90210 for 2008 is just the ticket and it's due to debut on (wait for it) . . . 09/02. Clever.

The new cast has been shooting what is sure to be a complete and total assfest and despite good old Nat not returning as far as we know, the Peach Pit will, however, be a returning character.

Exhibit A. The "new" Peach Pit. I hate it. Very Californian in appearance, very trendy, very Melrose or Rodeo Drive. Is this the kind of place that Brenda would have played as Laverne? Where Brandon and his Shelf of Hair would have worn a turquoise and wine red uniform? Not likely. It looks very much how the Peach Pit After Dark should have looked - - an idea that I hated, by the way.
So we have the "new" Peach Pit. Minus Nat. So who will be running it? It would be all kinds of hoots and hollers if big, dumb Noah returned to run the upgraded Pit. Poor Noah. He was all kinds of stupid and certainly got the short end of the stick all the way around. First, he got stuck in business with Val and in bed with Donna. Then, once the series looked to be ending, Donna and David had to get back together in a hurry and so Noah was cast somewhat adrift, left to practice his bad acting on some tertiary female character with an equally bad child actor. I think watching those particular episodes was more painful than a root canal.
I am disappointed that Brandon won't be returning. Bring him back from Washington, D.C. and let him become the new owner of the Peach Pit. We all know Brandon was much better at flipping burgers than he ever was at writing news stories.

August 14, 2008

No Way!


In "I can't believe it!" news, Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson are dating other people.

I know, I know. It was all set to be the fairytale romance of the century, complete with tattoos and STDs, but it simply wasn't meant to be.

While the heavily inked duo are apparently still living together while Pam's home is renovated (is that code for sprayed down with a heavy duty penicillin?) their sharing of digs is supposedly a platonic one. Pam is reportedly dating a member of the Abu Dhabi royal family - - obviously a gentleman who has far more money than sense and no personal regard for hygiene or sexually transmitted diseases.

Tommy, for his part, has now taken up with Daisy De La Hoya. Daisy, if you recall, was the runner up on Rock of Love 2, where she competed with twenty other publicity hungry hobags for the dubious honor of Bret Michaels' hand (and losing to the geriatric and alphabetically challenged Ambre). With her cosmetically enhanced duck lips, her inability to form full sentences and a proclivity for waving her arms around and gasping for air before bursting into tears, Daisy was a competitive reality show's wet dream. Although she didn't win the fair Mr. Michaels, she moved on, albeit briefly, to Carmen Electra's ex, Dave Navarro. If you didn't question Daisy's taste in men during the Rock of Love run, her choice of Mr. Navarro certainly should have given you pause.

Seeing as how Daisy slept with Bret, who slept with Pam in the past and Pam slept with Tommy, who is now sleeping with Daisy, does that mean that Bret and Tommy have now officially slept with each other?

Donna Won't Be There


One of the most horrifying admissions I can ever make in my life, thus far, is that I was a fan of the uber-cheesefest of the 90s, known as Beverly Hills, 90210. I was obsessed. Wednesday nights were sacred 90 viewing times, and Thursdays were spent rehashing the episode from the night before with my friend Sean. When 90 ended, there was a sense of sadness that a tradition was coming to an end, as well as a sense of relief that not only would I get my Wednesday nights back, but I wouldn't have to chuckle over Donna Martin Does Comedy, or Donna Martin Squeezes Into a Size Zero Jeans, or whatever the Kelly Taylor Crisis of the Week was.

You can imagine my horror at learning that such a sacred American institution was going to be butchered by the remake monster. How on earth could 90210 be remade for 2008? The blindingly loud 90s clothes, the actors old enough to be high school teachers playing high school students, Brandon and his Shelf of Hair and his Big Honking Watch, Steve and his desperate sign of virility, the 'Vette. Never mind the biggest bitch on t.v. before Amanda Woodward showed her claws on Melrose Place - - Brenda Walsh. Brenda was a bitch with a capital "B" and the worse she got, and the wonkier her eye appeared, the more I loved it. Her eventual replacement, Val, was a bitch too - - actually an even bigger, sneakier bitch but she wasn't an undercover bitch like Brenda and therefore not nearly as cool.

So no way, no how can such televised perfect be remade, replaced or redone. I totally expect the remake to go down in suck-ass flames. But when I heard that, first, Jennie Garth would join the cast in a recurring role as Kelly Taylor (what else), I knew I would have to watch the suckfest. Would Kelly still be with Dylan? Would Kelly still be operating the little p.r. firm she was starting when the show ended? Or would she be starting her twentieth career? Turns out that Dylan won't be happening. Bummer. And Kelly will be a guidance counselor at good old West Beverly. Seriously? Where is Mrs. Teasley? And who exactly would think it's a good idea for Kelly "DrugAddictBoyfriendStealingCultVictimRapeVictimCareerChangingCheatingHobag" Taylor to advise teenagers? Because she most certainly did not do a stellar job guiding herself.

So Jennie Garth was in and next we heard that Tori Spelling had been approached to reprise her role of Donna Martin Silver. Because, of course, we can't have Kelly without her eternal sidekick Donna - - if these two not only lived together as roomies at the "Beach Apartment" but ran a clothing business together and worked together all day, you can bet your ass that Donna will be at good old West Beverly too.

Still an assfest, but more watchable.

Then the new show dropped a bomb - - Shannen Doherty was coming back as Brenda! Brenda was back! The bitch was back! And quite naturally, working as West Beverly as a drama teacher. But of course. You didn't expect her to be working behind the counter with Nat at the Peach Pit, did you?

No Dylan. No Brandon. No Steve. No AN-drea/OHN-drea. No David (small miracle). No Jim and Cindy Walsh. But with Brenda, Kelly and Donna, let's see what kind of trouble and dirt these girls can dig up now they are in their 30s.

But no. Apparently the show's producers only offered Tori half of what they were offering to pay to have Brenda and Kelly return to the old zip code. So Tori decided to bail.

Bad, bad decision. First, Donna isn't and wasn't nearly as important as Brenda and Kelly. Originally the show was about Brenda and Brandon. She's vital. Kelly was the first friend Brenda made and she was the stereotypical Beverly Hills girl - - blonde, bitchy and recovering from rhinoplasty. Kelly would also become Brenda's nemesis when Dylan was forced to choose between the two of them. So she's definitely vital. Donna however. Yes, Donna became more of a central character as the seasons passed, particularly once Brenda departed for London (and Doherty departed for Charmed). But originally she was little more than a walk-on character who was less important that AN-drea/OHN-drea or David Silver. Not good.

Tori Spelling's acting career hasn't exactly flourished since 90210's demise. I did watch So NoTORIous and girlfriend can definitely do some mean self-parody. I also watch her current reality t.v. show on Oxygen and she seems like someone who would be pretty cool to hang out and dish the dirt with. That being said, I don't think the networks or executives are exactly knocking down her door with scripts and parts. According to the mantra preached over at Oxygen, Tori isn't rolling in the money . . . which begs the question, why turn down a guaranteed part? Maybe you're not making as much as Jennie or Shannen, but you're still bringing home a paycheck for a recurring role and you're putting yourself back on prime time t.v.

Big mistake, Tori.

Tommy Out of Salt

For months, Little Lord Tommy has been attached to the pending project Edwin A. Salt, about a good spy being accused of being a bad spy and having to go on the run to clear his name. Been done a million times before and probably won't call for any particularly strong acting chops. In other words, right up Tommy's alley.

However, Tommy has apparently been unceremoniously shown the door and replaced with Angelina Jolie. No matter what kind of reviews he's getting in Tropical Thunder, no matter what his people say, Little Lord Tommy is rapidly sliding down the rungs of the Hollywood ladder and will soon be joining his robotic wife on the C-list (if he's not there already).

This is big. This is huge. Tommy isn't being replaced because he's asking for too much money, or because the project is being held up for financing or didn't get greenlit. And it's not being reported that producers wanted to take the character himself on a different path (i.e., making him a her). In fact, all reports thus far suggest that Ms. Jolie expressed an interest in the film and from that interest, the part was rewritten to accommodate her.

That leads me to believe that this is about Tommy and Valkyrie. Hollywood insiders are saying that you can smell Valkyrie's cheese all the way to The Cube in Beijing. Many reshoots and retakes and a release date that has been pushed back a good three times over does not usually signal a blockbuster, or even a sleeper hit.

How low on the totem pole do you have to be to not only lose out on a role you've been attached to for months, based on another thespian's interest in the project, but a thespian of the opposite sex? Oh, BURN.

Karmic retribution is a bitch, Tommy, and I don't think it's over yet.

A Travesty


Who in Dollar General Store hell is going to buy Lynne Spears' book (and I use that term lightly) "Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World"? In case you're unsure, this is a book of parenting tips.

Yes, parenting tips from Lynne Spears. Yes, that Lynne Spears. The Lynne Spears whose eldest daughter married the first time in Vegas for a whopping 55 hours, married a total tool the second time for a whopping two years, had and neglected two children, had drug and alcohol problems and had a very public meltdown, peaking with shaving her head. That's just Britney. Her youngest daughter, the "stable" one, amid rumors of an affair with a much older producer of her show, announced she was pregnant at 16.

Ah, how proud the Spears family must be. No wonder Lynne wants to share her tips on how to accomplish such a feat.
Is she going to give advice on how to get your 16 year old daughter whored out on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine? Because you know Dina Lohan is probably buying advance copies as we speak and planning her strategy with Ali Lohan. God help us.

August 6, 2008

Lock Them All Up

I generally don't follow missing children cases too carefully because, sadly, there are so many and in seems that in most instances the parent(s) are somehow involved.

The Caylee Anthony story is a bit different because this 2 year old was missing for 30 days before the authorities were notified. And they weren't notified by Caylee's mother, Casey, but by her maternal grandmother, Cindy, who sounded the alarm after not seeing Caylee for a month and noticing that Casey's car smelled like a decomposing body.

I don't know which is the bigger red flag - - the child's mother not notifying anyone of her toddler daughter being missing for more than ten minutes or the car bearing an unmistakable odor.

Well, here is the kicker, as far as I'm concerned. Cindy Anthony has apparently done an about face and stated that she believes 100% that her daughter had nothing to do with Caylee's disappearance and the odor in the car? Moldy pizza.

This is beyond denial. This is a flat out obstruction of justice. I understand that Casey is Cindy's daughter, but what about Caylee? Who is looking out for her best interests? Certainly not Cindy and George Anthony, who appear more concerned about Casey being in jail.

And let's not have an ounce of sympathy for Casey, who has not only been pictured out partying with friends during the time her daughter was missing, but who had apparently been lying to her parents for over a year that she had a job and was going to work each day, while leaving their house, where she was residing with Caylee, but whose car was found abandoned, with Caylee's hair in the trunk. Yes, the same car that smelt of decomposing flesh, or moldy pizza, depending on who you believe. And the Anthonys had a concrete slab poured in their backyard after Caylee allegedly went missing.

It seems pretty clear to me. For whatever reason, Casey Anthony killed her daughter, put her daughter in the trunk of her car and drove around with her body in the car for at least a day or so, to account for the odor. Then she was removed from the car and likely buried under the concrete slab in the backyard. Cadaver dogs got a "hit" on Casey's car and the slab in the Anthony backyard.

Casey Anthony has already been arrested on child endangerment charges, as well as obstructing a criminal investigation and making false official statements. I say the Florida authorities arrest Cindy and George Anthony as well, because I think they know full well what happened to Caylee, and see who rolls on the other first.

July 30, 2008

Is Katie Ready for Broadway?

Few things in life are surprising any more. Pamela Anderson's latest marriage tanks. Not surprising. The Hogan family is spoiled, self-centered and incredibly vapid. Not surprising. Kim Kardashian gets a reality show and her ass wants its own SAG card. Not surprising. Katie Holmes on Broadway? Surprising.

Let's analyze. Katie Holmes is not known as a serious thespian. Her biggest role to date has been playing the amaaaaazing wifebot of Tom Cruise and she has struggled with that role. Prior to becoming Mrs. Cruise, her biggest gig to date was playing an attorney opposite Christian Bale's Bruce Wayne/Batman in Batman Begins, most definitely the highest grossing movie she's ever appeared in. Ms. Holmes couldn't pull that off. Rather than being the tough, determined and feisty lady that Wayne/Batman deservedly pines for, Holmes' Rachel is a meek little mouse that squeaks out her lines and acts about as indignant as a petulant child who is being sent to bed early. This is the civilian public service crusader who is going to clean up Gotham City? Would Superman have fallen head over heels for Lois Lane had she been a simpering little sally who would faint at the drop of a hat? (Speaking of which, Holmes' best scenes in the film were, in fact, the scenes where she was unconscious.)

Since grasping that gold ring of being Mrs. Cruise, Holmes has only signed on to one other project - - the questionable Mad Money. For her "comeback", Holmes was criticized by Wall Street Journal reviewer Joe Morganstern as being a painfully low point in the dismal movie and who "pops her eyes, scrunches her nose and shakes her booty in lieu of acting."

Surely such talents were not what attracted the producers of All My Sons. Surely it wasn't John Lithgow's ability to pop his eyes, scrunch his nose or shake his booty that garnered him the role. Mr. Lithgow (and Dianne Wiest and Patrick Wilson) earned their roles by sheer talent and proving themselves in other stage roles, or on the screen. In other words, they have paid their dues. In spades.

What has Katie Holmes done to earn the role of Ann? She hasn't proven she can carry a secondary part in a movie, much less on stage. How is she going to carry her part on stage, if she is continually the weakest link on film, a medium where scenes can be reshot until they are right? There are no reshoots on the stage. No director to yell "Cut!" because you sound meek or aren't emoting enough.

Let's be honest. Katie Holmes has no business being on the Broadway stage. She has been miscast in films before but this is more than just miscasting. This is utter stunt casting at its finest. The producers don't want Katie Holmes the Actress. They want Katie Holmes the Sideshow. They want the tabloid equivalent of the Loch Ness Monster, the Bigfoot. Katie Holmes has become that oddity. She may never have been a particularly adept actress, but she was young and she was cute and she didn't appear as genuinely weird as she does now, with her Scientology-loving hubby at her side, dragging her to and fro, looking nearly three times her age and as if she's in desperate need of a good nap and a big sandwich.

Should Holmes actually go through with this Broadway debut, and should she not break out the big guns of acting that she has yet to demonstrate, it may signal the end of her career. I, for one, don't think she has it in her. If she can't make me believe that she really and truly loves her husband and they have a real, genuine marriage, how is she going to make me believe she is Ann or anybody else? And she's acting opposite some serious thespians, not fellow teens on a soapy melodrama. Her audience isn't going to be squealing teenage girls, but subtly nuanced appreciators of the stage who aren't going to pay good money to gawk at Tom Cruise's current wife.

So you'd better bring all you've got, Ms. Holmes. Otherwise I think that Lithgow and Wiest will be eating you for lunch.

July 29, 2008

The Harpers: Sympathy or Scorn?

Photo Source: Crazy Days and Nights

If you watch Extreme Makeover, you probably remember the Harper family. (I personally don't watch the show because it invariably turns all viewers into emotional mushpots.) They were one of the first families to be blessed with a new house on the ABC show. And not just a better, passable version of the split level they had. They were gifted with a built-from-the-ground-up 4 bedroom with decorative rock walls, four fireplaces, a solarium, music room and 3 car garage. Most definitely the largest and nicest home in their Clayton County, Georgia neighborhood.

As is the case with Extreme Makeover, all the materials and labor were donated - - roughly to the tune of about $450,000. Not exactly chump change. Further, the builders' (Beazer Homes) employees and company partners also raised $250,000 in contributions for the Harper family, including scholarships for the three Harper children and home maintenance fees.

This is where it gets sticky. Ma and Pa Harper used that gifted home as collateral on a loan to start a construction business. The business failed, they couldn't repay the loan and now the home is in foreclosure. Their neighbors, many of whom donated their time and energies to help in building the new house, are furious. The local mayor feels the Harpers squandered all the community's hard work and he's furious.

On the one hand, the community (and the show) would have every reason to be upset. These people were gifted with a mini-mansion, a much nicer house than they started with, and no mortgage payment on top of it. They were also gifted with money to help them with home maintenance and scholarships for their children. Sure, maybe Mr. Harper wanted to start his own business but did he need a loan for $450,000? And would it have been more responsible to perhaps get a job at one of the many construction companies in the Atlanta area, versus trying to start a new company from scratch? Would it have been more responsible to safeguard and protect their only asset (the house) and maybe work for others, and save up enough money to at least start small?

On the other hand, should the Harpers be faulted for trying to better themselves? Yes, Mr. Harper could have gotten a job at Wal-Mart or McDonald's but he had a dream of owning his own business. The house was theirs, to do with what they chose. They were not given any stipulations on it.

Like I said, it's a sticky situation. As much as I admire anyone wanting to start their own business and control their own destiny, so to speak, I have to feel that when the only asset you have is one given to you out of charity and donations, and it is your house - - where you live - - you really shouldn't risk it. The Harpers were given $250,000 for various expenses. Why not use that? It still would have been a large amount of money to start a business with - - nevermind $450,000. My best guess is that the Harpers didn't want a small business, they wanted an empire and wanted to play with the big boys. And I hate to say it, but when you don't work and sweat to get what you own, you don't take care of it and respect it in the same way.

Sad situation all around. Sad for the many people (1,800) who contributed in various forms to give the Harpers a better home. Sad for Extreme Makeover, who may have problems now getting people to donate when something like this leaves a bad taste in the general public's mouth. Sad for the Harper children, who I hope still have their college funds intact. Sad for Mr. and Mrs. Harper, who allowed greed and the supposed quick buck to destroy what security they had. After all, before Extreme Makeover, they may have had a rundown house, but they still had a house. Now they have nothing.
Photo Source: Crazy Days and Nights

July 24, 2008

Is Pamela Anderson Broke?

Photo Source: DListed

First, it was being some magician's assistant in Vegas. Then the bargain basement sale of her cheesy furniture. Now she claims that while she and Tommy Lee are living under one roof, they aren't "together". Hmmm, might be news to Lee, who said last month that he and Anderson were together again, for the (fill in the blank)th time.

So is Anderson living with Lee because she's broke? (Meaning Hollywood broke, not normal people broke). It would make sense -- she probably had to pay Kid Rock to get out of that marriage and we all know she must have paid Rick Solomon to end that "blink and you'll miss it" marriage. Didn't she sleep with him to get out of a $250,000 poker debt?

My guess is that Lee and Anderson are living together, sleep with each other when they are both home and have the freedom to do other people at their leisure. Shouldn't be long before we hear of their (fill in the blank)th split.

Brooke Hogan Achieves New Level of Stupidity

Photo Source: DListed

She may not be all that into voting, but apparently she's considering stripping.

Mere days after this mental genius claimed that she didn't vote because it just wasn't her thing, and she didn't feel that our country should have a female president because women are too emotional and suffer from PMS, Playboy magazine has offered Brooke big bucks to appear in their magazine.

Not that I am a Playboy patron, but I wouldn't want to see Brooke Hogan naked if I was a man. She seriously looks like she would beat the shit out of you - -and that she might have been born male. She certainly looks more manly than her brother, Cry Baby.

And if Playboy knows what's good for them, they certainly won't attempt to interview her. My head hurts just thinking of her expounding on why women shouldn't be allowed in the White House. If we women are so emotional, Brooke, why not boycott us as well in the hospitals, police stations, fire stations, military, courthouses, schools . . . heck, the list goes on and on. After all, we are so emotional, God knows we couldn't make a clear and rational decision, like . . . oh, we're just not that into voting, or whether or not to take our clothes off publicly . . . to save our lives.

Maybe it's good this twit doesn't vote.

July 18, 2008

Cruise Press Release Suggestions for Week of July 14, 2008

1. The Dark Knight is going to fail without the epic talents of Katie Holmes. Just wait and see.

2. Real men wear heels, says Tom Cruise.

3. Tommy Girl turned down Edwin Salt. He's going to have a cameo on Eli Stone instead. Wait, scratch that.

4. Coming soon to a community college near you - - "How to Sabotage Your Career in Three Years or Less", presented by international superstah and laughingstock Tom Cruise.

July 17, 2008

Stunt Casting or Runt Casting?

Photo Source: JustJared
So someone actually hired Katie Holmes and not as an incredibly lifelike department store mannequin but in a cameo spot on TV's Eli Stone. Originally it was rumored that Little Lord Tommy Boy was making the appearance, but the stories were quickly corrected to reflect that it was his beleagured-wife who was clocking in.

Anyone who thinks that Katie was hired because of her gifted acting abilities, please take two steps forward and I'll be right with you while I gather the information on the Florida swampland I'm going to sell you.

For anyone who is scratching their head over why the Stone producers would hire someone like Katie Holmes, the answer is very simple. Publicity. Sure, they knew they were getting someone who can emote about as well as Paris Hilton. But they also knew they were getting someone as PR-worthy as Ms. Hilton. Katie Holmes' appearance on their show would (hopefully) help to boost lukewarm ratings on the series and the best part for them? It's a cameo part, so her presence is only temporary.

Meaning that Little Lord Tommy Boy's presence is also temporary. You didn't know? Of course Tommy Boy was there while his bought bot recited her lines. It's not like he has much else going on and calling People magazine to report his likely "casual" and "unplanned" "dropping by" on the set was probably a better idea than calling People to let them know he is still doing reshoots for the ultimately doomed Valkyrie.

So is this Mrs. Cruise's "return to television"? If so, it's a huge statement. Katie Holmes was supposed to be the next big "It" girl in films. Katie Holmes had supposedly graduated beyond television and shows like Dawson's Creek. Katie Holmes is due to make her debut on Broadway this fall.

But critics are already panning her casting, before she has even taken the stage. Reports out of New York are that ticket sale projects are dismal.

And what about Katie's last movies? Mad Money was a flop, financially and with Katie receiving negative reviews. Before that, we have to go back at least two years - - Thank You For Smoking was well done, but Katie's role was minimal and she was obviously sorely miscast in the part. Her last "big" movie was Batman Begins and without a doubt, she was the weakest link in a strong film.

The Dark Knight opens this weekend, minus Katie (who claims to have chosen the limp Mad Money over the proven franchise). Coincidence that this week Katie is filming a guest spot on t.v.?

July 16, 2008

No Mercy


Somehow I managed to miss this story when it first broke, maybe a month or so ago. In a way, I'm glad that I did because I would have just spent 4+ weeks angry at the justice system and badmouthing the California Parole Board.

Last month, Manson Family follower and coldblooded, vicious murderer Susan Atkins revealed she had brain cancer and possibly six months, at most, to live. She applied to the California Parole Board for Compassionate Release Consideration, hoping to spend her final months of life in the free world and with her family.

When I first read this, I didn't know whether to laugh, get angry or even cry. Helter Skelter was the first true crime book I ever read, at age 11, and the story has always stuck with me. I believe this case, and this case alone, led me to studying psychology and, in particular, the deviant mind. Imagining the sheer terror and torture Atkins and fellow Family members put their victims through still chills me to this day. The senselessness of the killings is as mind numbing today as it must have been in 1969.

Atkins, and her fellow murderers, really dodged a bullet back in the early 70s when California ruled the death penalty unconstitutional and commuted their sentences to life in prison. Their victims didn't get a commuted sentence.

The American public has been forced to listen to Charles Manson's insane ramblings for nearly 40 years, along with stories about upcoming parole hearings of his followers. Each of them have been denied all these years, and rightfully so. Life in prison should mean just that - - life in prison. They didn't steal money, they didn't run a red light. They snuffed out human life. That can never, never been rectified.

Now Susan Atkins, the individual who personally told the nine-months pregnant Sharon Tate "Look bitch, I have no mercy for you" after Ms. Tate begged for her unborn child's life, is asking for mercy. Atkins, the individual who personally stabbed Ms. Tate to death, is asking for mercy. Atkins, the individual who not only wrote the word "pig" in Ms. Tate's blood on her front door, but also tasted it, is asking for mercy. Atkins, the individual who claimed to actually experience a sexual orgasm upon killing Ms. Tate, is asking for mercy.

In the nearly forty years since the gruesome killings, in the nearly forty years since Atkins has been incarcerated, never once has she expressed remorse, sorrow, grief or understanding over her actions. Never once has she admitted she was wrong. Never once has she apologized to the families of her victims.

I feel a small amount of sympathy for Atkins' family. They didn't ask for this. But that tiny bit of sympathy is overshadowed by my feelings of sorrow, pain and anger for the victims. Atkins has had nearly 40 years of life they haven't had. Sharon Tate's unborn child never got to take a first breath; he died where he was conceived, in his mother's womb. Atkins' victims never got the chance to knowingly spend their last months of life with their families. They never got to say goodbye. And they never got to argue their case in a California courtroom. Atkins, among others, decided their fate with indiscriminate thrusts of a knife.

So does Atkins, an individual who has no sense of what the word "compassion" truly means, deserving of our mercy?

Absolutely not. And the California Parole Board agreed, denying Atkins' application. The Los Angeles County District Attorney, Steve Cooley, argued against it, saying, "[Atkins] has failed to demonstrate genuine remorse and lacks insight and understanding of the gravity of her crimes."

Amen to that. I don't wish pain and suffering on anyone, but if Atkins is dying, she is dying right where she should be. Behind bars.

Hopefully this will give the victims' surviving family members some peace and perhaps a bit of closure.

This is where the focus should be: on the victims, not the killer

July 11, 2008

Cruise Press Release Suggestions for Week of July 7, 2008

Photo: Defamer

1. Tommy Girl to have back fat sucked out

2. Tommy Girl learning to belly dance for Davey

3. Tommy Girl saves family from firecracker tragedy before saving hiker from certain bear attack in woods

4. Katie ate a mint

5. Tommy Girl and "his" family sent Nicole a trendy and expensive gift basket

Let's see. Numbers 1 and 2 were probably deemed too personal. Number 3 is more appropriate when Valkyrie is released (it's the Hail Mary kind of PR). Number 4 isn't about Tommy Girl. That leaves Number 5.

We have a winner!

July 8, 2008

Welcome Sunday Rose Kidman Urban!

Photo Source: Celebitchy

Just in time to steal the thunder from TomKat's July Fourth outing, Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban welcomed their first child, daughter Sunday Rose Kidman Urban, born in Nashville in the early hours of Monday, July 7.

I will admit that my first thought upon hearing the newest Urban's name was "What the eff?" but Sunday has grown on me and I do think it's very pretty with Rose.

Congratulations to the Urbans and I hope we see little Sunday soon.

Like a Rhinestone Cowgirl

Photo Source: JustJared
Like clockwork, the gayest little elf in all the land came out to celebrate the birth of our nation and, ostensibly, to look for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (sorry, Tommy, Becks wasn't in town last weekend).

I say like clockwork because the Cruiseazies have been uncomfortably absent and quiet as of late - - and last week, Tommy's bought-bot got some typical bad press. This time about tickets for "her" Broadway show not selling. Why pay $125 for theater tickets when you can rent "Galaxina" or "The Stepford Wives" for $4 at Blockbuster?

Is Tommy auditioning for "Brokeback Mountain 2"? What's with the cowboy hat? I guess he's trying to look more "of the people" (and add a good 3 inches onto his short stature) but I know he was just dying to add some sparkles, sequins and feathers to that hat. Oh well, what's a good gay to do but put on some Mom jeans and drag his beard along? (Speaking of which, Tommy, you may want to lay off the Twinkies and Ho-Hos - - you're looking a little thick around the midsection).

Suri is festive enough with the July 4th headband, but could they not wipe her mouth? And why is she showing about as much excitement as her mother does on a daily basis? Obviously Katie forgot to plug Suri in the night before and recharge her. You know what that means - - more auditing and maybe the cans for Katie.
Speaking of Katie, how bad does she look? Is Tommy trying to turn her into a man? (It's working.) Is she auditioning for the role of the horse in "Brokeback Mountain 2"? Questions, questions.

July 1, 2008

Hobag Meet Kettle

Photo: Celebitchy

I actually cracked up when reading this story. Pamela Anderson called Jessica Simpson a "whore" and a "bitch" on Australian radio, while waiting to go into that country's version of the Big Brother house.

What brought on such vitriol? Apparently the "Real Girls Eat Meat" t-shirt that Simpson was spotted wearing recently. Anderson, a fervent PETA supporter, as well as fervent leather Hermes bag lover, found the support of eating meat repulsive and rather than literately suggesting that practicing vegetarianism might be a better alternative, lashed out at her younger blond doppelganger. Pammy also added an addendum "I don't know whether she was talking about food or men."

Well, Pam would know.

Why do I find this so funny? Well, because attacking Jessica Simpson is like kicking a puppy. The girl seems utterly neurologically defenseless. Not that Anderson would be a likely MENSA member, but after being briefly married to Kid "Waffle House" Rock, I think she can hold her own.

And Anderson seems highly, highly hypocritical in crucifying Simpson for what she may consider cruelty to animals, when apparently it's perfectly okay to slaughter a cow in order to have an overpriced, high-end, fugly bag. I suppose this falls under the Celebrity Exception Rule, or the "do as I say, not as I do".

In any event, since Anderson marries men with the rapidity that most of us replace our toilet paper rolls, and since her last husband was the winner that filmed the sex tape with Paris Hilton, and assuming that she had sexual relations with said husband, it would be fairly accurate to estimate that by association, she has pretty much had sex with everyone in Hollywood. So to call Jessica Simpson, who has probably only had sex with half of the male population of Hollywood, a whore is ingenious.

I think her attack has more to do with sour grapes than any real concern for the animals. If Anderson is so concerned about the treatment of animals, why isn't she lobbying for the adorable white seals, like even that despicable Heather Mills does? I think Anderson is more concerned with staying relevant and worried that someone younger, blonder and prettier, like Simpson, is replacing her.

Psychotic Review: Hollywood Car Wash by Lori Culwell

Having just returned from a beach vacation, I needed to read something that was fun, frivolous and light. "Hollywood Car Wash" was just the ticket.

Written by Lori Culwell after living in Los Angeles and hearing a multitude of stories from her friends in the industry, "Wash" is the story of college student Amy Spencer, who is plucked out of anonymity at age 19, to helm a new WB/CW-type teen soap, as the lead "Autumn". At first thrilled at the opportunity, the money and riches, the connections and the spectacular freebies and perks she gets, she quickly begins to sour on the lifestyle when, in rapid succession, she is given a name change (Amy Spencer is too Midwestern; Star Spencer is much more Hollywood); told she needs to lose 20 pounds, as everyone who is anyone in Hollywood is a size zero; given pills to help facilitate a rapid weight loss; sent for colonic cleanses; encouraged to diet unhealthily; had her hair bleached and extended; had her teeth surgically removed so that veneers can be put in; had her nose "modified", her tummy tucked, and her cheekbones filled out. She also finds out that dating Hollywood's biggest action star, with the assistance of a contract, is not everything it's cracked up to be.

I'll admit that I only picked up this book because of the rumors last summer and fall that the lead character was loosely based on Katie Holmes, complete with an arranged hookup with a renowned major Hollywood player. And I'll also admit that I could easily mentally imagine Katie Holmes herself when reading "Wash". At least the portions of the book where it didn't discuss that character Amy/Star was actually very talented and wanted more out of her career than just fame and notoriety. Reading about Amy/Star's delight over shopping and the many perks she received, along with the celebrities she got to meet, gave me a firm mental picture of Katie Holmes, squeeing over meeting David Beckham and taking possession of Tom Cruise's black AmEx card.

That being said, "Wash" is a light and fluffy read, clocking in at 248 pages, making it neither too taxing mentally or taking up too much weight in your beach bag.

Rumored to be first in a series, I look forward to Ms. Culwell's future efforts and recommend "Wash" as the perfect beach read.

Back from Vacation!

Yes, I was off on vacay without warning. Such is life.

Now I am back and ready to get back into the down and dirty celebrity gossip.

However, I did think, while I was relaxing on the beach . . . many celebs live this way. Not like once a year, during the summer. It seems there are a handful of celebs that are always on vacation. Vacation from what, I truly have no idea. Sure, they shoot one movie, maybe two, a year. Most shooting is done anywhere between 6 and 12 weeks. Usually they take a "much needed vacation" after shooting is completed. That is, if they don't require a rehab stay during shooting. At most, many of these celebs work about 24 weeks out of the year - - compared to 49-50 weeks that most of us put in (depending on how much vacation time we get). We don't do a job for 6-12 weeks and then get a "much needed" vacation. We don't get paid obscene amounts of money for that 6-12 week job. Many of us live paycheck to paycheck. Many of us struggle with how we're going to pay that unexpected vet bill or repair the car, and spend months saving just so that we can take a vacation during the summer.

And yet some celebrities do one job, one lousy job, that doesn't even require Monday thru Friday, 49-50 weeks out of the year, and they need to relax and clear their heads?


June 12, 2008

Did The Clooney Dump His Ex Via the Media?

Does anyone remember that episode of Sex and the City, where Carrie wakes up to find that Berger has dumped her via a Post-It note? Cold. Really cold. Can't imagine anything too much worse, short of getting stood up at the altar. Oh, and maybe finding out that you've been given the pink slip by reading about it on the internet or the newspaper.

George Clooney's longtime (hey, for him a year plus is a pretty long time) sweetie got the heave ho (or is it heave, HO!) from The Clooney after she reportedly got breast implants and he didn't like them. Hmmm, maybe he's an ass man?

Anyhoo, Sarah Larsen should have known that The Clooney is not a man to be tied down. You don't marry The Clooney. If you're smart, you work out a longterm unmarried relationship like Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn but you can't expect marriage to be part of the deal. The Clooney has been very clear about this. Sarah obviously overplayed her hand and tried to be more than just The Clooney's main girl. Bad Sarah.

A "source" claims that now that Sarah is famous, she won't go back to cocktailing (The Clooney met her in Vegas, where she was a cocktail waitress). Now that's funny. Apparently cocktailing was a decent enough way to make a living prior to The Clooney, but now that Sarah has "had" The Clooney, she's "famous" and therefore above waitressing. I've met Steve Young, Ryan Klesko, Mark Koteras, Joe Morgan, Three Dog Night and Hall and Oates, as well as seeing Carmen Electra in person in California and Carrot Top in Vegas. Does that mean I can quit my office job? Didn't think so.

She'll be in Playboy before the end of the year, bet on it. And probably back in Vegas by next year.
Source: DListed

June 11, 2008

Hulk Hogan is Quite Possibly the Most Ignorant Person on the Planet

Hulk Hogan, aka Terry Bollea, went on Larry King Live to break his silence and probably show the world what a great family he has and how wrong we all are about them. All he really did was prove what a selfish, ignorant and shallow tool he is. Boy, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?

Hulk claimed that Cry Baby's accident, which left John Graziano in a permanent vegetative state, was "God's plan to make John a better person." Sure, Hulk. Because we all know that God is vengeful in that way and what better plan to make a better person than having them hooked to machines to survive and never be able to walk or talk again? I would love to hear Hulk explain why God would beset John with such disabilities and yet allow people like John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy and Charles Manson without so much as a limp or a lisp? A fascinating conversation, I'm sure.

Hulk also claimed that God was trying to teach Cry Baby a lesson with the accident. Yeah, a lesson like don't drink and then drag race, asshole?

Hopefully the other inmates in the Pinellas County Jail are teaching Cry Baby a lesson.

What infuriates me about such crap statements is the Bolleas, in the past, insinuating that John was somehow not a very nice person. If John wasn't such a nice person, then why was Cry Baby friends with him, and why did the Bolleas supposedly take him in like family? And nevermind the fact that there has been nothing stated or proven to show that John was anything but an Iraq war vet; he didn't deserve to be in the condition he's in now.

I truly hope that the Graziano family sues the Bollea family for every single dime and penny they have. As John's father said, Cry Baby was able to do to John what Iraq couldn't - -nearly kill him. Very good point.

Hulk wasn't done with his asinine ramblings though. He accused the media of being unfair to his family. Yep, that's right. His shitty family has been completely and totally unfair to the Graziano family, but he's whining about how much his poor family has suffered. He even called it "Tabloid Terrorism" and stated that everyone has been too harsh on Cry Baby. I suppose Cry Baby should have been given an award for crippling John, since that was obviously God's plan for him.

I swear, I didn't think it was possible to hate this family any more than I already did. But I do.

Source: Celebitchy

Happy Birthday, Hugh!

Today Hugh Laurie is 49. I love Hugh. He makes a pill popping, rude, abusive, abrasive and not even borderline malpractice doctor lovable and that's pretty darn cool in my book.

Happy Birthday, Hugh. Hope it's a good one!

Source: DListed

June 10, 2008

Kim Kardashian is Subtle

Photo Source: The Superficial

Yeahhhhh . . . I'm saying her ass is about as fake as the Tommy Boy Cruise/Katie Holmes union.

Irony of ironies, the same day that Kim took her massive ass out furniture shopping, she was complaining about the attention it gets on her useless blog.

"I know most celebrities say they don't read what the press says about them; but to be honest, I suspect in most cases, they don't want to admit that they actually care what is written about them. I'll tell you straight up -- I do read it! Some of it is true, a lot of it is flattering, and a lot of it is totally off the mark."

Is anyone surprised this celebutard reads what's written about her? I have a mental picture that is eerily similar to Dina Lohan going thru the internet every day to read about herself and her meal tickets, I mean, daughters.

But someone needs to tell Kim that when your ass deserves its own zip code, you can't be faking surprise at all the attention you get.

Bobby Brown's Son Wants His 15 Minutes

Photo Source: The Superficial

Why else would he go public with a story about having sex with Lohan in a public bathroom? According to The Sun: “Me and Lindsay got really, really close. She followed me to the bathroom during a private party, and, well, we basically got together. I think she knew who I was when she first saw me. We were just staring at each other and she walked by. I walked into the bathroom and she followed me in.”

Poor Brandon Brown. He's so deluded. Lohan had no idea who he was. She was jonesing, needed a fix and picked up the first available penis she saw.

Truly, is there anyone in Hollywood who hasn't had sex with Lohan in a bathroom by now? Anyone?