February 29, 2008

Katie Holmes is One Hot Septuagenarian

Photo: DListed

Oh wait, Katie Holmes was born in 1978, not 1938? Surely could have fooled me. These days girlfriend is looking more like Tommy Boy's mother than his hired-hand wife.

Here is the "magical" couple, out the other night at their usual haunt, Cut. Suri the Magical Tot was a no-show but Katie brought out her spectacularly fucked self. Unwashed, unstyled hair. Wan, ghastly complexion. Dark circles under the eyes. Vacant stare. Gripping the Mighty Midget's hand, or being gripped by his hand. I suppose things are they should be in Xenu's world. Katie did change it up a bit by pinning a bizarre looking set of eyes on her jacket. Is this the Scientology equivalent of Big Brother watching? Is it code? Does she have a hidden microphone or camera in there? I don't know, but it's freaking me out.

Not ones to hog all the cameras or attention for themselves (I swear, my nose is growing as I type this), the Cruise-azies brought along new BFFs and Xenu recruits, the Pinkett-Smiths (because let's be honest, we all know that Jada wears the pants in THAT family). The Pinkett-Smiths got the memo about dressing all in black but Will jazzed it up by donning a sparkly t that read "Party Starter". Heh. I'm sure Tommy Boy was dreaming all night about getting Will's party started. While Katie was dreaming all night about those magical LRH-laced cupcakes that keep her dumb and compliant and Jada was dreaming about the newly single Pink.

Source: DListed

February 26, 2008

Early Shenanigans at American Idol

Photo Source: EOnline
We've barely started Season 7 of American Idol and already, the shenanigans appear to have started and conspiracy theories are sprouting up everywhere (at least at my house, but I love a good conspiracy theory). First, it was revealed that San Diego favorite Carly Smithson was Carly Hennessy back in 1999. Back when she had a record deal with MCA, who dropped a quarter mil on one video for their answer to Britney Spears. Uncoincidentally, MCA used to employ Randy Jackson. Allegedly, an American Idol contestant was disqualified last year "because it was publicized that he had been signed to BMG while Cowell was at the label, which is against Idol rules." If true, shouldn't Carly Smithson be held to the same rules and standards? Second, top 24 contestant Syesha Mercado (or S-YES-ha, per Paula's Vicodin meets vodka logic) has appeared in a Ford Sync commercial . . . Ford, American Idol's sponsor! Third, cute as a bug David Archuleta appeared on Star Search at age 12 and won. Won against Alexandrea Lushington. Yes, the same Alexandrea Lushington who is currently in the top 24 with David.

Perhaps most grievous, and cruel, in my opinion, is the disgusting treatment meted out to contestant Garrett Haley. Garrett made the top 24, although he was given 15 seconds of airtime during Hollywood week. Surely I wasn't the only viewer saying "Who was that?" when he was called to the floor to be told he was one of the golden 24. Unsurprisingly, without the megawatt pimpage that Idol doled out to fellow contestants like the aforementioned Carly Smithson, Amanda Overmeyer and David Archuleta, Garrett was in the first round of cuts last week. His first (and only, as it turned out) performance was brutal. Given the theme of "60s Week", Garrett sang "Breaking Up is Hard to Do". Seemed an odd choice, but the majority of guys had slow, ballod-y songs (i.e., weird choices). While his performance wasn't particularly inspired, Garrett did manage to hit all his notes, without being pitchy, eyefucking the camera or auditioning for this year's Gay Pride Parade (yes, I mean you, Danny Noriega). Randy just didn't feel it, dawg. Paula, well into her cup of Coke and loony, probably said something about colors in the universe and painting a doorknob. Simon was particularly brutal, criticizing Garrett's appearance (he was too pale, he looked as though he'd been shut away in his room for a month). However, Garrett took the criticism stoically and looked at it as "constructive criticism". When he was cut at the start of the results show, with no preamble, again, he took it stoically and maturely, assuring Ryan that he was happy with who he was and wasn't going to change anything. Gotta admire that. ET Online had a brief interview with Garrett, where he admitted that all the contestants were given a list of 50 songs and instructed to choose three and would be assigned one of those three. According to Garrett, "I didn't get any of my songs, because they had given them out to all the contestants before that, so I just ended up with having to choose from the list again. I didn't get to choose. They threw the song at me and said, 'Sing this one.' I took what I got and I did what I could with it. It is hard to make a ballad song pop out at the beginning. I did the best I could and I am happy with what I did."

So how, in good conscience, can any one of the judges call a contestant out on a poor song choice when apparently, unless you are one of The Chosen Ones, The Powers That Be can make a song choice for you? And a piss poor one, at that! At least give the kid a chance to shine or suck on his own. After all, isn't the point of Idol for America to choose?
To read Garrett's brief interview, along with the other three departing Idols, go here: http://www.etonline.com/news/2008/02/58917/index.html

February 25, 2008

Tommy Boy Jinxes NASCAR

Taking time out of his busy schedule, I assume, of shopping for those "just right" man heels and color coordinated outfits with his brain-dead wife, the self-appointed Hollywood humanitarian who "just loves people" ruined an entire raceday for thousands of people in Fontana. The Jesus Christ of Scientology showed up in reigning NASCAR champ Jimmie Johnson's pit box, with son Conor in tow, flashing his annoying toothy grin and in his best "That's right, I once played Cole Trickle in a movie about NASCAR, therefore I know the history of NASCAR" mode.

I have no doubts that the Wee One's presence unleashed the rain, the slick track and the overall bad luck of yesterday on Fontana. I also have no doubt that Tommy Boy wasn't there simply to enjoy NASCAR, but rather on a very specific mission. Like a mission to anal probe every driver there, swipe their checkbooks and turn them into mindless, Scieno-spouting robots. Similar to the transformation of Katie Holmes, in other words.

While I'm not necessarily a fan of Jimmie Johnson's I feel I do need to express my thoughts to him via the written word:

Dear Jimmie:

You are not my driver and by the end of last season, I was frankly tired of you running away with nearly every race - - although I will admit that you are some serious eye candy and your wife is a lucky woman. That being said, I must warn you that Tommy Boy is only in your pit box for two reasons: one, because you are the reigning Nextel Cup champion. As Tommy Boy once played The Best Racecar Driver EVAH, he will only associate with fellow winners. Should someone, like, say, Reed Sorenson win the Cup this year, fully expect for Tommy Boy to avoid all eye contact with you in the future and act like he doesn't know you. Also expect for Tommy Boy to proclaim allegiance and loyalty to Target, because they are Mr. Sorenson's main sponsor. (No offense to Mr. Sorenson in any way; he is fellow Georgian and I will always stand behind fellow Georgians). Secondly, Tommy Boy was in your pit box because he smells a potential recruit. Let's be honest, Mr. Johnson. You make serious money. You are famous. You are good looking. Imagine the recruiting bonus Tommy Boy will get if he reels you in. Heck, he'll probably get his own spaceship or some intergalactic holiday named after him! So don't fall for it. Please, run as far away as you can. Even better, jump your hot little self in your Lowe's car, hit the accelerator and get the heck out of Dodge. If you happen to run over a short little man wearing man heels and a painfully toothy grin, well, shit happens. Just don't hit his son because it's not too late for him yet. In closing, please protect yourself accordingly - - and please warn the other drivers as well. I love this sport and I really don't want it infiltrated with the Cruise-tology stink. I fear that if you don't, Tommy Boy will for real be in your pit box and I don't mean the one on the track, if you get my point. Please tell Matt Kenseth I am his number one fan, I love the black Carhartt car and that was me last year in Richmond screaming his name as he drove by.
Love and Kisses,
p.s. - Please also tell Jeff Gordon that having "lunch" at the Ivy last week doesn't make me, or anyone else, like him any more.

February 22, 2008

WTH is This Crazy Bitch Wearing, Part 2

Photo Source: DListed

Actually, either of these crazy bitches. Katie looks like she just left Home Ec in a contraption her students just made with an old Singer and Tommy Boy looks like he'll be hop, hop, hoppin' down the old Bunny trail . . . as Barney.

And is Tommy Boy shrinking or is Katie morphing into Andre the Giant?

Photo Source: DListed

February 21, 2008

WTF is She Wearing??

Here again is the consistently stylish, elegant and eternally youthful Katie Holmes Cruise who, at this rate, will be apply to apply for retirement benefits before her 17 years her senior husband, Tommy Boy.

Seriously, WTF happened to her? When did she become a bobblehead? I know Tommy Boy is aging but did he really have to suck the youth, the life and the fashion sense completely out of her? I guess she's pretty hot for a 60 year old. Maybe that's Tommy Boy's thing. But I can't believe he'd let his beard out of the house, looking like that. Gay Pride is going to be all over his ass.
BTW, these pics were taken at the Costume Designers Guild Awards. Ironic, I know.

Photo Source: FreeKatie.net

Isn't This Like Tommy Boy Offering Psychiatric Services?

Photo Source: DListed
Because the Jenny Craig weight loss regime has been so successful for her, or more likely because her three year stint as spokesho has come to an end (because Jenny Craig found less Scientology-affiliated spokespeople in Valerie Bertinelli and Queen Latifah), and due to the permanent hiatus her career appears to be on, Kirstie Alley has decided now is the perfect time to start her own weight loss program.

I'm all for being reasonably politically correct and all, but, um . . . shouldn't you practice what you preach? At least for the most part? She seemed to do okay in the beginning with Jenny Craig, but then the temptation of Krispy Kreme got to her or something.

Anyhow, she told People magazine (of course): "I intend to develop and pilot my own weight-loss brand that I hope to launch in 2009." "I want to create something new that will help millions of people end the seemingly never ending fatty-roller coaster ride." Okay, Kirstie. As soon as you create something to help the fatty-roller coaster ride, I suggest you make yourself your first client.

And Who Thought This Was a Good Idea?

Photo Source: DListed

Certainly not Marilyn Monroe, who despite her 36 rough and used years, still managed to look fresh and luminscent - - unlike Lohan, who at 21, comes across harder, rougher and older in this disturbing "recreation" of Monroe's last photo shoot.

Other than the drug connection, I don't see why Lohan would be a natural to duplicate the sitting. There are plenty of other actresses in Hollywood who not only resemble Monroe more than the freckled and awkwardly blonde-wigged Lohan but exude that special presence and innocence than Monroe possessed, far more than the haggard Lohan.

Looking at these pictures, I feel depressed. They don't seem a tribute, they don't seem art. They seem sleazy. And desperate. Bad, bad career move, Lohan. Assuming that you still have a career.

Never one to miss out on pimping her child at every possible opportunity, the oh-so-motherly Dina Lohan had to get on the horn to People magazine and put her two cents' worth in (and I'm being generous because nothing that woman has to offer is worth two cents). As surprising as Paris' non-appearance in the charity market, Mama Lohan claims that Lohan's pictures were "tastefully done" and Lohan was "being a character". Riiiiiight. Face it, Dina. She was showing her tits. Period. Dina also claims that Lohan's younger sister Ali (all of 14 years old) was at the shoot and that makes it okay because Ali never would have been allowed to go if it wasn't decent. Yeah, because a 14 year old sibling of Lindsay Lohan would really know "tasteful".

Photo Source: A Socialite's Life
If you really want to view the entire photo spread yourself, go here: http://socialitelife.buzznet.com/2008/02/18/lindsay_lohan_puts_on_the_marilyn_monroe_wig_and_shows_her_goods.php. But ask yourself why.