February 25, 2008

Tommy Boy Jinxes NASCAR

Taking time out of his busy schedule, I assume, of shopping for those "just right" man heels and color coordinated outfits with his brain-dead wife, the self-appointed Hollywood humanitarian who "just loves people" ruined an entire raceday for thousands of people in Fontana. The Jesus Christ of Scientology showed up in reigning NASCAR champ Jimmie Johnson's pit box, with son Conor in tow, flashing his annoying toothy grin and in his best "That's right, I once played Cole Trickle in a movie about NASCAR, therefore I know the history of NASCAR" mode.

I have no doubts that the Wee One's presence unleashed the rain, the slick track and the overall bad luck of yesterday on Fontana. I also have no doubt that Tommy Boy wasn't there simply to enjoy NASCAR, but rather on a very specific mission. Like a mission to anal probe every driver there, swipe their checkbooks and turn them into mindless, Scieno-spouting robots. Similar to the transformation of Katie Holmes, in other words.

While I'm not necessarily a fan of Jimmie Johnson's I feel I do need to express my thoughts to him via the written word:

Dear Jimmie:

You are not my driver and by the end of last season, I was frankly tired of you running away with nearly every race - - although I will admit that you are some serious eye candy and your wife is a lucky woman. That being said, I must warn you that Tommy Boy is only in your pit box for two reasons: one, because you are the reigning Nextel Cup champion. As Tommy Boy once played The Best Racecar Driver EVAH, he will only associate with fellow winners. Should someone, like, say, Reed Sorenson win the Cup this year, fully expect for Tommy Boy to avoid all eye contact with you in the future and act like he doesn't know you. Also expect for Tommy Boy to proclaim allegiance and loyalty to Target, because they are Mr. Sorenson's main sponsor. (No offense to Mr. Sorenson in any way; he is fellow Georgian and I will always stand behind fellow Georgians). Secondly, Tommy Boy was in your pit box because he smells a potential recruit. Let's be honest, Mr. Johnson. You make serious money. You are famous. You are good looking. Imagine the recruiting bonus Tommy Boy will get if he reels you in. Heck, he'll probably get his own spaceship or some intergalactic holiday named after him! So don't fall for it. Please, run as far away as you can. Even better, jump your hot little self in your Lowe's car, hit the accelerator and get the heck out of Dodge. If you happen to run over a short little man wearing man heels and a painfully toothy grin, well, shit happens. Just don't hit his son because it's not too late for him yet. In closing, please protect yourself accordingly - - and please warn the other drivers as well. I love this sport and I really don't want it infiltrated with the Cruise-tology stink. I fear that if you don't, Tommy Boy will for real be in your pit box and I don't mean the one on the track, if you get my point. Please tell Matt Kenseth I am his number one fan, I love the black Carhartt car and that was me last year in Richmond screaming his name as he drove by.
Love and Kisses,
p.s. - Please also tell Jeff Gordon that having "lunch" at the Ivy last week doesn't make me, or anyone else, like him any more.

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