Eliminations ceremony. The new stage is still in attendance, although minus the ELO-inspired lights. Now it looks like something out of Space Odyssey. A fact Paula backs up with her spacily-inspired silvery moon-like jacket. Did she swipe that from Michael Jackson? And does this mean that Peter Schilling is certain to make an appearance singing about Major Tom? Jim Carrey is here. Dressed as Horton, huge elephant ears and all. This isn't funny. Particularly for the unfortunate person sitting directly behind Jim Carrey/Horton.
Group sing. Beatles. Fairly forgettable. Michael looks good. David C. sounds good although I'm not feeling the hat. Kristy Lee's hair is straight and I think I like it. Ramiele is cute and tiny. David A. is smiling all over the place. Amanda sounds completely out of place. Find it humorous that David H. is one of the trio singing "Can't Buy Me Love", seeing as how, in the offseason, he shakes his moneymaker for your spare change. Things are as they should be in Idol land.
Ryan promises to get right to the eliminations, which we know is crap because the show is scheduled for an hour. Which means a five minute elimination, with 55 minutes of filler and commercials. And yet I willingly hand over this hour of my life.
So the lights are dimmed (but again, no ELO-inspired lights, bummer) and Ryan orders for Carly, Jason, Hot Michael and Syesha to stand. Carly looks as though she's about to pass a 50 pound kidney stone as Ryan builds the suspense by reminding everyone what she sang and how far up her ass the judges are. Drumroll . . . sit back down, Carly, and breathe again because you are safe! A real shocker there. Jason is next and behold all the girls squealing for him. He really does seem like a nice guy. Of course he's safe. Now we're with Hot Michael, who does look good tonight. When Hot Michael is given his pass, he says "thanks" and gives a wave of appreciation. He must be nice, in addition to being hot. He can certainly throw a shrimp on my barbie anytime. So now we're to Syesha and you'd have to score pretty low on the Paris Hilton Intelligence Scale to not realize that Syesha is in the Bottom Three and standing on the seal. Duh. Syesha seems absolutely pissed to be in this particular club. Hey, at least she's number one.
Curveball thrown by Idol. The Bottom Three will evidently do a pre-sing out. Interesting move. I guess it's so that an emotional contestant, just told by America that they either aren't good enough to win a television competition, or don't have a big enough fan base, doesn't have to attempt to spit out the damned song that got them booted in the first place. Of course, on the other hand, it forces America to listen to the songs that we specifically did not vote for, yet again. So Syesha sings her song again, but with considerably less energy. Wow, she is pissed.
So then we have to go to commercial and then come back and watch some filler film on how Idol has changed the lives of the contestants. Is this really necessary?
Ryan calls on four more Idolizers. Chekezie, Amanda, David C. and Kristy. Is there any suspense in this group whatsoever? I mean, really. I think even Paris' dog Tinkerbell knows who is joining the Bottom Three club here. So Ryan, assuming that a chihuahua is smarter than the average Idol viewer, calls Chekezie down then pulls a fast one on him by declaring him safe. Amanda and her skunky weave are given a pass and we're left with David C. and Kristy. No way in hell is David C. in the Bottom Three, unless Idol is planning to pull major monkey shenanigans and obviously they don't even have the balls for that because David C. is given his pass and Kristy is sent to the seal. Kristy, surprisingly, proves to have even the smallest personality as she asks Ryan for the mic before he declares her in the Bottom Three. She then apologizes for having to sing her jug band classic again. Thank you, Kristy. I accept your apology and appreciate my mute button.
More filler. This time with something to do with Idol's website and then taking live calls from viewers with questions. Really? Will someone have the nerve to ask why Carly wasn't eliminated in the beginning due to her connection with Randy? Will someone ask Paula if it's Vicodin and vodka or Vicodin and gin she prefers? Will someone ask David H. if "pizza bistro" is slang for "gay strip club"? No such luck. Like we really believe these calls won't be pre-screened. Pretty lame all the way around, except the last question, which wants to know why Ryan and Simon don't just have a throw down on the stage. I think we all wonder that. Ryan says he's ready if they're going to ship the mud in. I don't think he's kidding. I think all the humor went out of it for Simon after that little remark.
So back to the last four, awaiting their fate. Ryan asks David A., Brooke, David H. and Ramiele to join him in the center of the spaceship, er, stage. He reminds us of David A.'s incredible ass-sucking performance, which includes forgetting the lyrics at least twice, and then reiterates the fact that Idol is a popularity contest by declaring David A. safe! See, America, you too can gasp your way through a song and forget the lyrics and still be safe, as long as you are cute, harmless and The Powers That Be are in your corner! And don't think that Syesha and Kristy aren't over on the seal, thinking "Hey, at least I remembered the words!" Then we come to Brooke and duh, no surprise, she's safe too. So it's down to David H. and Ramiele and I'm thinking that Ramiele is headed to the seal, to make it a girls-only Bottom Three but no! Idol has a shocker! It's David H.! So Ramiele takes her little self back to the safety seats and Ryan has to ask David H. a stupid question wondering if David H. saw this coming or whatever. David H. gallantly says that just because he's in the Bottom Three doesn't mean he's going home. Uh-oh. So Syesha and Kristy join David H. center spaceship, er, stage and . . .we go to commercial! Come on, people, there are still 10 minutes of airtime.
When we come back, Ryan says that one person will be sent to safety. And that person is . . . Syesha! Surprise of surprise. I really thought her neck was on the chopping block. So Syesha gets to go back to safety and she still looks pissed. Girl, get over it. That leaves Kristy and David H. I'm really thinking Kristy has given her last "Dolly Parton on helium" performance, to quote Simon, but I guess being a possibly gay stripper is much more sinful than not being the best singer because David H. is told to get packing (his bags, that is). He mouths "wow" and looks shocked. I imagine Kristy is just as shocked as she is sent back to safety and her Haley Scarnato role of the season. David H. promises this isn't the last we'll see of him (as I understand it certain patrons in Glendale, Arizona have seen quite a bit more of him), Ryan intro's the "going home" film clip and then my TiVo cuts off. Damn, I hate it when that happens.
Least Surprising Guest of the Night: Sanjaya, who must have a permanent ticket, and is turning his 15 minutes into 15 months of fame
Most Surprising Guest of the Night: Carly's tattoo faced husband, although he was seriously lit in blue, blue light and the camera quickly moved away
Least Surprising Moment: Out of her group, Kristy Lee Cook is in the Bottom Three. Duh. And Ryan wants to mud wrestle Simon.
Biggest Surprise Elimination: Ramiele's tears. I didn't see one. Where did they go?