American Idol: Neil Diamond Mentors, Paula Falters and Brooke Leaves

Source: DListed

Tuesday night's Idol was all kinds of a wonderful, painful, exhilarating hot mess. Paula's dosage needs to be changed because she effed up big time - - just more proof that the judges watch the Idols in rehearsal and base their comments more on their rehearsal performance than the live performances. Poor Jason was thrown under the bus repeatedly, and most painfully by "Pleasepleasepleaselikeme" Paula. I actually thought his performance of "Forever in Blue Jeans" suited his voice and style quite well - - was it blow-me-out-my-seat fantastic? No. But it was catchy and enjoyable. I do think his second performance was a bit dull and dated, but I don't think anyone had stellar performances with both song choices. Cookie is so clearly the one that should win - -but for his sake, I hope he comes in second. Let Archie be the perfect little Idol bot. I liked both of Cookie's performances but preferred the second one over the first one. I didn't know either of the songs, so maybe that's why Cookie was so enjoyable - - nothing to compare them to, so Cookie made them his own. He's definitely smart when it comes to song choice, and he knows what suits his voice. And holy smokes, but he is still bringing the sex-ay. My hormones are in overdrive on Tuesday nights (and not a bad thing, really, for Mr. PS) Brooke . . . ouch. As much as I like "I'm a Believer" and think it's a fun song, I don't know, it just didn't work for me. She seemed almost manic. For a minute, I thought she was sharing Jason's happy pills, because she looked as though she was singing out of the side of her mouth, as Jason does. She seemed to be having a good time, but it reminded me of "Here Comes the Sun" - - too much happy, too much sunshine. I think her second song was much better suited to her voice. She seems to do better when she's singing about pain and angst. Archie. I have no idea what kind of crack the judges are smoking but they really should lay off. RandyPaulaSimon, middle-of-the-road, unbiased judging can be your friend. Such clear and evident partiality need not be your name. "Sweet Caroline" was tolerable, but thank you, Archie, for forever after ruining "America" for me. I am convinced that this kid could sing "Disco Duck" and the judges would blow smoke up his ass and praise him like he'd just rewritten the Constitution. I know I am not tone deaf, so WTF? At least Simon avoided critiquing his singing performance with "America", just gave him props for song choice which was clever, I suppose, because who is going to boot the kid after singing America's glories? And someone please feel free to correct me, but everything Archie sings sounds EXACTLY THE SAME to me. If Jason can get a Mom-type lecture from Paula about venturing outside his comfort zone, when is Archie going to get that lecture, because the kid sounds the same week after week. Syesha was Syesha in the first song, although she didn't terrify me or punish me with the ridiculous glory notes. I thought her second effort was much better and, frankly, pretty darn good. She so obviously belongs in musical theater, since she has excelled 2 weeks in a row with it. But, IMO, she so obviously wants to be the next Whitney/Mariah/Celine. I also think Simon's statement about her being in trouble was ridiculous because (1), she's always in trouble; and (2) she gave one of the 2 strongest performances of the night (the other being Cookie). I think all he did was cause Syesha's fans to mobilize and go crazy voting - -and even those people who aren't fans to pick up the phone and dial for her, because it really did seem harsh and unjustified. Who should get the boot? Probably Jason. Who will? I'm guessing Brooke. I think Jason has too many female fans for him to go yet - - maybe next week. I think Brooke being in the middle, and giving one pretty bad performance, with one pretty good one, will cancel her out.

Update: Brooke got the boot. No big surprise. Brooke cried. No big surprise. Brooke forgot the words to her singout. No big surprise.

Mommy and Daddy Had to Write a Big Check

One of People's "Most Beautiful" in February; Source: DListed

Otherwise how else would Rumer Willis be named one of People magazine's 100 Most Beautiful?

Yes, I know that People magazine is basically the fluffer, if not the flat out, fellatio-providing celebrity magazine. I know their Most Beautiful list is generally full of celebrities with the best spokespeople and current "It" celebs who have a chef, trainer and makeup artist on standby, so they damn well should look good. But RUMER WILLIS?

I'm sorry but that girl is a genetic tragedy. Every time I look at her picture I find myself thinking "gee, I hope she has a good personality" and "it's a good thing Bruce Willis and Demi Moore are her parents, otherwise . . ."

How on earth did Rumer Willis make this list? Even on her best day, let's be honest, she's still just "okay". On her worst days, she has full on been bludgeoned by the ugly stick.

So what reason could People have, other than Daddy Bruce and Mommy Demi's checkbook, to include Rumer? Yes, she's got some minor film roles coming up, but doesn't everyone in Tinseltown?

Does Rumer have that good of a PR person? And if she does, she certainly needs to give that person a raise. It's okay, her parents can afford it.

What the f????; Photo Source: DListed

Psychotic Ramblings

I always used to say when I was younger that I would never sound like those old farts who complained about other drivers and who thought 16 year olds shouldn't be endangering our roadways.
I have officially crossed over to the other side because not only do I think Great Britain has the right idea making people wait until they are 18 to drive, but the vast majority of drivers on the road completely piss me off.
I really don't need to comment further on making the mandatory driving age (without an authorized driver in the car with you) 18 - - check out your resident 16 year old and that's all I really need to say.
However . . . what has happened to common courtesy on the roads? What I am refering to mainly are the slowpoke drivers that insist on staying in the left lane. Look, people. It's nothing personal when I want to pass you. I don't know you, I probably won't see you again. It's just that I want to get somewhere quicker than you are willing to go and the general rule of the road is that slower traffic keeps to the right, so that passing is done to the left. I know I am not the oldest person on the road out there so there really is no excuse for others not to know this.
So why do people doing the speed limit, or less, insist on keeping their four wheels firmly in the left lane? It really can be hazardous to try and pass them on the right, while avoiding the car that is justifiably using the right lane because he or she is going slower.
Worse are the drivers who speed up when you attempt to pass them, forcing you to accelerate (and burn up a gallon of gas - - or about $3.25 in my neck of the woods) to get around them. More than likely, once you do get around them and get into the left lane, they ride your bumper like you've run over their bunny or something.
Once again . . . people! This isn't personal. No one is targeting you because you're driving the pimped out minivan. Laughing at you, maybe.
And you cell phone yakking drivers . . . you know who you are . . . yes, the ones who are so busy concentrating on their phone call that they slow down, speed up, slow down, speed up. You are pissing the rest of us off. If you must yak on the phone, pull off the road. Because you obviously cannot multitask. Don't believe me? Try chewing gum, while rubbing your belly and patting your head. See? So either pull off the road or hang up. Your schizoid driving makes it that much more difficult for us to correctly judge how much time and space we have to get around the Strictly Speed Limit or Under driver that is messing up the left lane.
So, in short. Slow traffic keep right. Cell phoneys that can't multitask need to hang up (preferably) or pull off. And the legal driving age should be 18. Problems solved.

Ha!

Source: DListed

There is your typical Hollywood level of delusion, there is the Tommy Boy Cruise "I'm King of the World!" level of delusion and then apparently Michael Lohan is taking it to new heights. Lindsay's daddy is claiming that his party-loving daughter is going to be a missionary in India.

Go and get that towel now to clean the Dr. Pepper or coffee or whatever it is you drink out of your keyboard because I know you spewed it everywhere upon reading that.

Michael Lohan is an ex-con turned youth minister and claims that LiLo has a wonderful heart, loves people and is very charitable. Yeah, if you consider letting the bag boy at Whole Foods or Ralph's put his penis in your vagina, that's pretty darn charitable. Or maybe he means LiLo's vajayjay has its own charity - - something along the lines of FREE LILO'S VAJAYJAY! You know that thing wants to pack up and find a new landlord. Anything that's seen more action than Tom Cruise's stilettos and Liberace collection is pretty scary.

Obviously LiLo's "people" are trying to clean up her image. Problem is that her past is pretty vivid, she doesn't appear to do much besides party and get laid and Dina Lohan is her mother. Besides, I'm sure when LiLo heard about this idea she was probably thinking being a missionary had something to do with a conventional sexual position.

American Idol: Tears, Eyefucking and Luaus

I've never been a fan of Mariah Carey's so I was dreading these performances. Well, that and the absence of Michael Johns.

Anyhow, I will (wo)man up and admit that I actually liked Mariah last night. I feel like I should be hiding my head in shame, even typing this. Actually, this is a repeat of last season when I didn't particularly care for Jennifer Lopez until she mentored the Idols and then I gained a new respect for her. Same with Mariah, surprisingly. She seemed genuinely interested in hearing what the Idols had to say and in giving them helpful, constructive advice. Unlike past mentors. (Looking at you, Gwen Stefani).

Sure, Mariah did show up with her ever-present dog and she was wearing a super tight outfit that showed off her cleavage. Can't expect a total change. But she didn't demonstrate diva-like behavior, so I was pleasantly surprised.

That being said, The Chosen One got the craptastic first slot. Probably TPTB's attempt to "prove" that it wasn't the first slot that did Michael in last week. Sure. Prove to me that TPTB didn't tweak the vote results and then I'll be impressed.

Anyhow, Davey is actually wearing leather pants! I do think it's an improvement over the Alex P. Keaton attire he is normally sporting. I'm sure the tweens are losing their hormonally whacked minds right now. He sings "When You Believe" and it's a good performance but it's really same old same old for the most part. I know he's just a kid and all (he's ONLY SEVENTEEN!) but can he maybe change it up a bit? Can he come out and rock the house? So naturally the judges are peeing themselves in excitement over the admiration of Davey's performance. Good, but I'm not blown away and I'm certainly not peeing myself.

Carly is up next and seeing as how she has the second spot, she had better bring it or she's in the Bottom Three. Don't even need to hear her sing in order to base my assumptions. Yep, I'm that confident and sure of myself. So she has chosen "Without You" which she will sing after her little one-on-one session with the Duchess of Doucheyness, who will always be a tool in my book after that cruel and heartless snarky way to send Michael home last week. The Duchess brings up Michael's exit last week and Carly goes on and on and on about how shocking it was and how much everyone misses "MJ" and his goofiness. Between that and the fact that Carly is wearing sleeves to hide that godawful Amy Winehouse-ish tattoo, my guess would be that she is desperately trying to get on the voting public's good side. Her performance is okay. Or, as Randy would say, it's "aaa-ight". I'm not mad at her or anything for her performance, but I still don't like her. I think she's holding back in parts where she should be letting go and I still think she looks like she wants to cut my throat when she's hitting those power notes. The judges are fairly unimpressed; Randy didn't like the beginning and Simon thinks she is still putting way too much thought into every aspect of her performance, rather than trusting herself and just letting go. I think girlfriend is in trouble.

Syesha follows and I do have to say that she looks very, very pretty. And cold, of course. She has decided to sing "Vanishing" and despite the fact that I don't want to like her, I think she gave a great performance. Much, much better than Carly and even better and better suited to her than The Chosen One's performance. Go figure. Randy has to chime in with his usual spiel about how it was pitchy in a few places and it was just okay. Obviously Randy does not want Syesha to win. Insert Syesha bitchface here. Paula tells her it was great and she looks lovely. The judges seemed to have a problem with Syesha picking a fairly unknown Mariah song and think that will hurt her. Hmmm. I actually think this might be her best performance but because her personality isn't that great, she may be in the Bottom Three.

Brooke and her beautifully curly, wavy hair are singing "Hero" at the piano. I actually think she sounded better in her clip with Mariah, where she accompanied herself on the guitar, but potato, potahto. Overall, I think she did a fairly good job, given that her style is diametrically opposed to Mariah's. At the end, however, she seemed to be coming unglued. She was very shaky, looked like she was going to burst into tears and sped up the tempo way too fast.

The indestructible Kristy Lee Cook took the Galactica stage next and, dare I say it, she was actually pretty good - - although I don't think the judges will like her no matter what she does. She chose "Forever", Mariah told her it was an obscure song but then also mentioned that Kristy's interpretation gave her goosebumps. Such an admission, along with Kristy's thrill and mentioning it in her on-camera interview, guarantees that Simon won't like it. Am I wrong? Nope! Simon thought it was serviceable, passable, but not great. She did country fry it a bit, but Paula thought she could have a country-western hit with it. Randy didn't think it was amazing, but thought she stepped it up by the end.

David Cook is next and God help me, but he's bringing the sex. Holy cow. Maybe it's because Hot Michael is gone and that position is vacant. No clue. Anyhow, he chose "Always Be My Baby". Really? Don't know the song but it certainly doesn't sound like it would be up David's alley. His little bit with Mariah has me nervous - - he brings his guitar and it sounds okay, but nothing spectacular. I'd be wrong. On stage, David BRINGS IT. His version is all kinds of hotness. Of course I could be mistaken because David is busy eyefucking the camera and it's really distracting me. Joy, the eyefucking is back! I think his performance is stellar and far and away the best of the night. The judges agree. Randy stands for a performance for the first time this season and tells Cookie that more than any other contestant, David is ready to make an album. Right now. Paula is so thrilled she really doesn't know what to say other than "you're the whole package". At least she didn't tell him he was all shades of the rainbow. Simon begins by telling Cookie "it was like coming out of karaoke hell . . ." (insert voracious boos from the audience here, along with Cookie's surprised expression) ". . . into a breath of fresh air. It was original, it was daring and it stood out. This is the sign of a great potential artist, someone who takes risks." (This despite the fact that he gave Syesha grief for taking the risk of choosing a fairly unknown Mariah song. That Simon.) Whoo-hoo! Go, Cookie! Cookie is so relieved and emotional that he begins tearing up on the stage. Damn, Idol! I too must reach for my tissues and for the phone so that I can begin mad-repeat voting for Cookie. The camera quickly pans to Cookie's brother in the audience, in case we haven't teared up enough. Talk about pulling the heartstrings.

Jason gets the pimptastic last performance and I am worried that he may not be able to bring it, particularly with a Mariah Carey song. This must be the night to prove me wrong because I have all kinds of Jason love after that song. He sings "I Don't Want to Cry", very minimally, with no instrument, depending on the band. I really, really dig it. It has a type of Bob Marley-esque edge to it, making it very listenable (is that a word?) I am curious as to how the judges will react, seeing as how when he sang "Travelin' Thru" during Dolly week, the judges were not digging it. Randy compared his performance to a weird beach luau, which Paula quickly dismisses, telling Jason that she'd want to be invited to that party, listening to him all the time. Simon, very, very surprisingly, tells Jason that he must agree with PAULA!! He praises Jason for making the song his own, although he does say Jason didn't have the best vocals of the night. He also points out that the guys ruled Mariah Carey night, far and away over the girls.

Can't disagree with that.

As far as who is going home, it is definitely a girl. My guess is that Kristy will survive the assassination attempts yet again to live another week. I think the Bottom Three will be Carly, Syesha and Brooke, with a toss up as to who will depart - - but probably Syesha or Brooke.

Michael Johns Sent Home and I Demand a Recount

Shenanigans! I call major shenanigans!

Are we really expected to believe that Hot Michael gets voted off before Syesha "Bitchface Baby Cry" Mercado and Carly "I Fucked Up My Performance Because Simon Was Staring at Me" Smithson? Please!

While I will admit that it wasn't Hot Michael's best week or performance, it wasn't bad. It was enjoyable and entertaining. He did go in the craptastic first slot but Carly and Syesha's Ice Princess demeanors left them with absolutely no audience connection. Something Hot Michael has never had a problem with.

I think TPTB over at Idol couldn't let their plant (Carly) go, and wanted to even out the playing field. I don't think they expect Carly to win the whole thing but I wouldn't be surprised to find out that they made a deal with her to reach the Top 4 or 5. I believe they hope by eliminating Hot Michael, his votes will go toward Carly. Not gonna happen, Idol. If anything, Hot Michael's votes will go to David Cook and/or Jason Castro.

I think they want David Archuleta to win the whole shebang. He is their perfect package. He is ONLY SEVENTEEN! and while he can sing, he is predictable, squeaky clean and, well, boring. Perfect Idol material!

But back to Hot Michael. Godspeed, Michael Johns. You were robbed. I hope that Dolly Parton follows thru with what she said during her mentor week and writes some great songs for you. I hope you become a more successful singer than Idol ever gave you credit for. You'll be missed.

Psychotic Mailbag

Lourdes writes:

I understand this is your article (http://psychoticstate.blogspot.com/2007/11/nick-hogan-off-to-jail.html)
and you may write whatever you want but
FYI Just because YOU don't like him
[Nick "Hogan" Bollea] doesn't mean he deserves to go to jail. This has happened
to alot of teens, a friend of mine was run over by one of our
friends and
may he RIP he was a vegetable, his family had to disconnect him. Its
an
awful experience for everyone involved, Its no one's FAULT John died. But in
all fairness he CHOSE to get in the car with his irresponsible friend. They
had
been friends since childhood, I'm sure it was never Nick's intention to
hurt
anyone. I'm sorry you don't like the Hogans, and I hope karma runs its
course to
anyone who deserves the bitch.

Lourdes,

I thank you for reading my blog and taking the time to drop me a comment. However, the decision for the State of Florida to issue an arrest warrant on Nick Bollea (his real name, BTW) has absolutely nothing to do with my dislike for him, nor anyone else's. He deserves jail time because he broke the law, plain and simple. And while breaking the law, his negligence caused injury to another human being, namely John Graziano. Just because John chose to get in the car with Bollea does not mean that he chose to have his skull broken in an accident, or even had any indication that an accident would result from Bollea's conduct. I'm not saying, either, that Bollea had intentions for anyone to get hurt. But the fact remains that in their first official statement, the Bollea family expressed sorrow that criminal charges were being filed. Not sorrow that Bollea's friend John Graziano was comatose and clinging to life. Further, they exacerbated the situation by bringing up the fact that the "tragedy" was compounded by John not wearing a seatbelt.

And for all their public statements of "tragedy" and "sorrow" it was never reported that the Bollea/Hogan family offered any type of assistance, financial or otherwise, to the Graziano family. Don't you think if they had, it would have been reported? Now I'm sure their spokespeople and attorneys told them not to say anything, not to admit to anything but you would think the decent, moral part of someone would want to do the right thing, attorneys and spokespeople be damned.

Again, it is an awful thing and yes, as teenagers we do silly, stupid things. But I don't consider putting a so-called friend in the hospital and on permanent disability a "stupid" thing. And yes, accidents do happen. But if Nick Bollea had stepped up like the man he probably thought he was being, when he decided to drink and speed race on wet pavement, and own up to his actions and mistakes, I wouldn't bestow upon him "Tool for Life". And if he wasn't Hulk Hogan's son, he would be in jail and no one would think twice about it.

As a bit of an update, Hulk Hogan is being sued over the accident, as Nick was legally a minor at the time of the crash. Before you feel any sympathy for the Hogan/Bollea family, look at the images of the crash below.

Source: jalopnik.com

American Idol: Idol Gives Back, Contestants Talk Back and Paula Sees Chihuahuas

Photo Source: americanidol.com

Was everyone taking secret sips out of Paula's Coke cup or what? Hands down, that was the weirdest night of Idol so far this season - - Randy was bitching and pissing all over the place, Paula's boobs made a special cameo appearance and Simon was surprisingly tame and agreeable. Ryan was Ryan, so some things never change.

Naturally, the theme is "inspiration" and what songs inspire the Idolizers. Who would guess that it would basically be a snoozefest?

Hot Michael is up first and has chosen "Dream On" by Aerosmith. Love Aerosmith, love "Dream On". Not sure if it might be a tad too big for Hot Michael though - -who is once again sporting a cravat. What's up with that? He starts off good, I think, and does a decent job with the song and gives a good performance, although I was a little skeeved out by the falsetto notes at the end. Definitely shaky. Randy, being that he is in a bitchy, pissy mood, proceeds to tell Hot Michael that it wasn't the right song choice, "rocker dude" just doesn't fit him, he needs to stick with the bluesy theme and it was just all right for him. Which it takes him something like half an hour to get out. While Paula, her boobs, Simon, his agreeability, Ryan and Hot Michael patiently wait. Paula, no surprise, completely disagrees with Randy and thinks Hot Michael turned in a great performance. So good, in fact, that her chihuahuas would have joined him on stage. No, you didn't read that wrong and you didn't miss anything. Just bear in mind that Paula probably had a couple of Vicodins and a shot of vodka for dinner before putting on that outfit which is obviously cutting off her oxygen supply, while pushing her boobs up to her chin, and so it's no wonder that she's seeing chihuahuas. Which are probably every color and aura of the universe. Simon is completely baffled by the chihuahua comment but jokingly says that only on American Idol can such a comment be made. True that, Simon. Ryan, of course, has to inject his gayer than gay humor by making some aside about Simon's chihuahuas. Whatever, Captain Seacrest. Be quiet. Simon tells Hot Michael that while he didn't think it was his best performance, it was still an enjoyable performance. I must agree with Simon. Definitely did not come close to last week's "It's All Wrong but It's All Right". Smoking hot.

Syesha is up next and in keeping with her diva mode, she has chosen a Fantasia song. Now I didn't watch Idol back in the Fantasia days but even I know how foolhardy that choice probably is. She actually does a decent turn with the song - - again, I'm not familiar with Fantasia or the original but the judges' comparing her to the original is completely expected. At least by me, by the judges and, oh, everybody except Syesha. She seems surprised by Randy's less than awed reaction to her performance and wants clarification. He tells her Fantasia really connected with the song and while Syesha sang it well, he didn't feel she connected the same way. Girlfriend seems miffed and gets major bitchface. Now, was Syesha like this during auditions and Hollywood Week? Because I remember her seeming very humble - - she lost her voice during Hollywood Week and I felt sorry for her and she seemed sweet and earnest. What the hell happened to her? Paula basically tells her the same thing - -that vocally she was on, but there was something missing, that Paula didn't connect to her. Neither did we, Paula. Simon thirds what Randy and Paula said and Syesha, no doubt, went backstage to make voodoo dolls of Randy, Paula, Simon and Fantasia.

Jason was all kinds of wonderful with his ukulele version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". You know stoners everywhere were digging it and relating to it. Hopefully they could manage to get to the phone and vote. Because I loved it, I figured the judges would pee all over his ukulele parade. Luckily, I was wrong. Randy must have taken two Motrin during the commercial break because he thought it was hot and the best performance of the night so far. Seeing as how Paula resides most Idol nights "somewhere over the rainbow" she was beside herself with exuberance for Jason and his performance. The real test, however, is Simon. He tells Jason that the first time he heard that song, he didn't like it and didn't get it. The second time he thought it was good. The third time he thought Jason was fantastic. Way to go, Jason!

Kristy Lee is up next and I'm thinking something is way off with the universe and hell is going to freeze over, pigs will fly, Tom Cruise will come out of the closet and Paula will start making sense because, so far, she is the best of the night. I want to run and hide for even thinking that, much less typing it but there it is. So Kristy and her gold spangly shirt will probably live on for another week.

I was looking forward to David C. because, let's face it, he's set the bar pretty high these last few weeks. I was sorely disappointed. To throw him a bone, he looked pale and sick - - so it's possible he was ill and there are reports that his older brother is suffering with brain cancer - - which makes the line in his song about cancer all the more meaningful. It's not a bad performance, just not the David we're used to. The judges are relatively kind to him, saying basically the same thing and David - - wearing a jacket of all types of Sergeant Pepper - - seems to agree with them, flashes his palm which says "Give Back" and exits the Battlestar Galactica spaceship stage.

Carly is up next and has, surprisingly, taken Simon's advice and is wearing an outfit, rather than allowing the outfit to wear her. She does look much better. Her performance, however, is a different story. She has chosen Queen and I like Queen but girlfriend sounds angry, not inspired. The judges concur. Her singing was fine - - but like Syesha, she just doesn't connect with the audience. You know when Paula tells you she's not connecting with you, you're in trouble.

David A. is up next and obviously, inspirational songs are in his wheelhouse. Has The Chosen One chosen anything that wasn't inspirational? Of course I'm guessing that Mr. A. is choosing what he believes is inspiring enough to have his son win the Idol crown, but oh well. Davey has chosen "Angel", a song I have never heard before, and he performs it while seated at the piano, a la Brooke White. I like it, it's good but I'm not blown away by it or anything. The judges, quite naturally, are beside themselves with the awesomeness of David A. Why not give him the crown now and send the others home? Oh yeah, because Neil Diamond, Andrew Lloyd Weber and annoying Mariah Carey are still waiting to mentor.

After having the craptastic first slot last week and barely scraping by, Brooke gets the pimp spot tonight. She has chosen Carole King's version of "You've Got a Friend". I think she sounds good, very Brooke White-ish. Not nearly as awesome as "Love is a Battlefield" - - but I worry that she peaked with that one. The judges pretty much agree that it was nice, pleasant and so ends this episode of Idol.

Nice. Pleasant. But utterly forgettable.

Who will hit the seal? Syesha's mouthiness may get her spot, although her singing was good. Carly's Ice Queen coldness may send her there, although her singing wasn't bad. David C. gave his worst performance, IMO, of the season, but his previous awesomeness may buy him safety. Or will Idol fool everyone and not boot anyone as they did last season, in keeping with the theme of giving back? We shall see.

Katie, You in Danger, Girl

Photo Source: HotFlick.net

Where is Oda Mae Brown when you need her? Maybe Sam Wheat needs to start singing "I am Henry the Eighth" to get Oda Mae banging down the door at the Crazy Cruise Ranch and hijacking Katie Holmes the hell outta there.

Katie Holmes looks bad. I'm not talking exhausted from working bad. I'm not talking running around after a toddler all day with no time for showering bad. I'm talking full on Manson Family brainwashed as fuck bad.

It's almost mind altering to think that Katie and the Mini Messiah have only been married for seventeen months. Not even two years. Technically, they are still newlyweds (hey, falsely married is still newly falsely married). They have only been together three years this month (lest we forget the magic date of April 18). In three years Katie has gone from a cute, attractive, not highly talented twenty-something to a haggard, brain dead, not highly talented seventy-something. But hey, she's married to The! Biggest! Movie! Star! Evah! So I guess that makes it okay.

Does no one else in Hollywood see this? Is everyone so afraid of Tommy and his little high heels that they won't say anything? What's he going to do? Pummel you to death with a feather boa?

I say we send Oda Mae Brown in there to fix things. Oda Mae doesn't put up with any shit. She'll barge in there and drag Katie out by her Anna Wintour bangs. Or at least tempt her out with a cupcake. And if Tommy tries to interfere, Oda Mae can always call on the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard to berate Tommy for the bad rap he's given Scientology in the last two years. Good times.

Katie: June 2005

Katie: March 2008

Reason Number 9,732 to Hate Cameron Diaz

Image Source: mollygood.com

If you know me, you know I hate Cameron Diaz worse than sitting in bumper to bumper traffic on the 5 freeway, in 100 degree heat, with no a/c, a smoker in front of me, a bass-loving rapper behind me, while earnestly driving rusty nails into my eyeballs. I don't need any more reasons to want to bash her face in with my bare fists, but she continues to feel the need to provide me with more ammunition.


Us Magazine quotes the effusive Ms. Diaz with "I could be in a relationship if I wanted to be, but I haven't finished doing what I'm doing. I like boys — a lot. I'm boy crazy. That hasn't changed since I was very young. I'm a lot of woman — in a lot of ways. And I understand that can be intimidating."


Oh, okay. So Cameron Diaz is single because she chooses to be. Isn't that like the mantra for all women over the age of 30? And believe me, I can say this because I used to spout this line too, when I was over 30 and unmarried. And she likes "boys"? Isn't this chick like 35? Shouldn't she be interested in men? Although, let me remind myself that she did "date" Justin Timberlake for 3 years.


Let's ponder "intimidating". What, exactly, is so "intimidating" about Cameron Diaz? Well, except for her obvious awesomeness, I guess. I suppose such an outspoken woman, who is single by choice, would scare most men who just can't handle being with such an amazing woman who finds herself so darn amazing. Thank God for Cameron Diaz, who has the courage to stand up and tell everyone how wonderful she is. If only Paris Hilton could learn from her.

Hello Dolly, Goodbye Ramiele

Image Sources: Americanidol.com & Dollypartonmusic.net

It was bound to happen. Surprising that it happened before Kristy Lee Cook went home, but seriously . . . I'm beginning to think girlfriend would survive a 10.0 earthquake, while being nuclear attacked. Diminutive Ramiele was sacrificed at the altar of Kristy Lee, and during Dolly's week!

I love me some Dolly Parton. I am no country music fan, not even close, but for some reason, I just love her to death. I think she would be an absolute hoot to hang out with. Plus, she's had work done, she is covered with all types of plastic but she admits it. Oh so many people in Hollywood could learn from her forthright-ness.

So obviously . . . this week was country week around the Idol ranch. Thank God no more Beatles to butcher. Ryan tries to pull a fast one, despite the fact that nearly all of his viewing audience is quite aware that Tuesday was April Fools Day and no way in hell is Fox going to pre-empt its cash cow with some stupid Moment of Truth, celebrity edition with Simon or not. But nice try, Captain Seacrest.

So we see the Idol gang, gathered around the piano, and in struts Dolly. Wearing her big hair, acrylic nails, false eyelashes, probably ten pounds of makeup and an outfit that only she can pull off (and probably in a size negative 2). God, I love her. As a bit of an aside, where do you think she shops? Is there some store in Los Angeles, or in Nashville, that has Dolly as their sole customer? Because when I'm shopping at Target I never see anyone wearing the clothing she wears. Just wondering.

So Brooke is up first in the craptastic number one slot. She is singing "Jolene" which I don't know. I will find out that not knowing jack shit about these songs is pretty much going to be a repetitive theme tonight. So Brooke sings about Jolene and how Jolene had better not steal Brooke's man, even though she can, or Brooke will beat Jolene's ass down with her cheery sunny demeanor. She strums a guitar and has a fiddle player and a drummer, I guess, although he appears to be beating on a random box. It's okay. I mean, her voice is good. I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it either. Randy thinks it's "aaaaaight", of course. Paula, quite naturally, is as effusive as she always is when she's been riding around in the magical mystery bus. She tells Brooke that her performance was great because "you're Brooke White!" Glad we've got that little mystery cleared up. Maybe next Paula can explain to us why Carly has some Amy Winehouse looking chick tattooed on her arm. Simon, quite naturally, disagrees with Paula and thinks Brooke's performance lacked any emotion whatsoever and didn't get it.

So David Cook is up next and besides getting a haircut, like we didn't see this coming a mile away, Ryan has to sit with David and explain to the Idol-watching public how David chooses his arrangements, while David patiently explains that he finds other artists' covers online and rips them off. I jest. I like David C. His performances have been awesome the last month or so and are really the only reason I continue to watch Captain Seacrest make an idiot of himself each week. So David is doing "Little Sparrow", which again, I don't know. This time, David is doing his own arrangement. And I like it. His voice suits the song very well. Randy and Paula love it and while Simon doesn't think it kicked as much ass as last week's "Billie Jean", he tells David he's pretty darn good if he can make a song about sparrows interesting.

Ramiele is up next and she's singing "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind". Dolly is very cute with Ramiele, saying "finally, someone my size!" Ramiele's performance is pleasant, but nothing stand-out. Simon tells her she belongs on a cruise ship, singing while serving someone a fruity concoction with an umbrella.

So Jason is up next and can I say that I just loved how Dolly immediately grabbed his dreadlocks while meeting him? I'm telling you, she would be an absolute blast to hang out with. Jason is doing "Travelin' Thru" and although the judges don't think much of his performance, I really like it. I think the song is perfect for his voice and his (limited) range. I liked it so much in fact that when Simon basically craps on it, I pick up the phone and throw Jason some votes. (I watch on my DVR, after the live show, so please don't email me to point out inconsistencies).

So Carly and her Spanx are up next and she's chosen "Here You Come Again". This song I know and I'm not surprised she would pick it. Dolly seems blown away by Carly and I am disappointed that she has fallen under the spell of the Irish Ice Queen. So Carly sings and she does a pretty good job, even to someone like me, whose heart is full of black goo when it comes to the Carly Lovefest that Idol is so determined to shove down my throat. However, I did notice that Carly is a much better singer if you don't watch her sing - - otherwise you are forced to see her make serial killer eyes at you when she hits the big glory notes (not to be confused with eyefucking, which was sadly absent this week). Randy and Paula, quite naturally, are practically falling all over themselves to tell Carly how fricking amazing and wonderful she is, blah, blah, blah. Simon evidently didn't get the "go ga-ga over Carly" memo because he says it was a good performance but not a stellar one. He goes one step further and tells Carly that she really needs to have a word with whoever is dressing her because it's not doing her any favors, and at this point in the competition she should be looking like a star. I heart Simon. What else can I say? Ryan, Randy and Paula, of course, come quickly to Carly's defense because they are ass-kissers. Paula, quite naturally, thinks she looks beautiful and is improving each week. Uh, yeah. At least her shirt isn't sporting rosettes this week. But her top still looks suspiciously maternity-like and her jeans are way, way too tight. The overall effect, for me, is like a red Christmas tree.

David Archuleta is up next and he's chosen "Smoky Mountain Memories". Much better than that crappy message song he sang last week but deserving of the bowing before him performed by the judges? Don't know about that. The usual tweens are in the mosh pit, screaming and sqee-ing with delight. David looks shocked and scared.

So the indestructible Kristy Lee Cook is up next and she's singing "Coat of Many Colors". For the first time she's wearing a dress. She looks nice and the song is decent. Again, like Brooke, I don't hate it but I don't love it either.

Syesha is up next and it's no big surprise that she got "I Will Always Love You". She starts out doing Dolly's version, which is actually very lovely, but being Syesha, she has to go and Whitney it up. Look, Syesha, just because you're sitting atop a piano does not mean that you are automatically required to belt out any and every song. Randy and Paula love it, of course, while Simon wishes she hadn't gotten that song because who didn't know that she would go and ruin the song by trying to outbelt Whitney?

Hot Michael gets the pimp spot and . . . Jeebus. Seriously, Jeebus. That's all I can say. Honestly, I thought country week might very well put Hot Michael on the seal but he delivers and how. He sings "It's All Wrong But It's All Right" and he TEARS. IT. UP. Who knew he could do a bluesy version and so well? Best of the night, without question, for me. Randy thought he was blazing hot (duh), Paula loved it and my DVR cut off with Paula and her loopiness. Damn Idol for going over anyhow! Turns out that Simon also loved it, thinking it was Hot Michael's best performance to date.

So for the reveal, the contestants do a goofy "Nine to Five" and then Idol tries to mix it up by having three Idols come out, without one being sent to the stools. Ryan tries to pull a fast one on Carly, by making her (and us) think that she's in the Bottom Three, before sending her to safety. So not funny, Ryan. You got my hopes up there and I don't appreciate it. Hot Michael is so obviously hot and so obviously safe. David A. is safe (the tweens aren't on spring break yet). David C. is safe and medically sound, after having a little high blood pressure scare the night before. Jason is safe and even screechy Syesha is safe. That leaves Brooke, Ramiele and Kristy in the Bottom Three. Kristy has gotten so used to this that she's made a little sign that says "Kristy's Seat". At least she sees the humor in her Haley Scarnato situation.

So Dolly comes out to perform, again decked out in her Dolly finest. Have I mentioned how much I love this woman? She sings about Jesus and gravity, which is just awesome. I suppose she should be thanking Jesus that cosmetic surgery can hold off gravity. Ryan is no match for the force that is Dolly, that's for sure.

Oh yeah, and before Dolly we are treated to a "Where Are They Now?: Nashville" segment of Idols of the past. Bo Bice, Phil Stacey - hi, Phil! - and Bucky Covington are now proud, or not so proud, residents of Nashville. Nashville looks very green, very tree-sy and country in the clip - - much nicer than the gray overcast skies I am being subjected to right now. Wonder which Season 7 Idols will be moving to Nashville this summer?

So Brooke is quickly relieved of the pressure of being in the Bottom Three by being sent to safety. Thank goodness because she's crying and shaking and just so not like our usual Miss Sunshine. Someone please give her a sandwich on the way to safety. That leaves Kristy and Ramiele. Obviously Ramiele is in deep shit because Kristy has proven to be indestructible - - which she proves yet again by claiming victory and the last "safe" seat. Kristy looks like an absolute amazon next to Ramiele. Is she even 5 feet tall? Ryan tries to cover for Ramiele's emotional breakdown, showing her Idol journey, with Ruben singing, which Ramiele isn't even watching because first, she was there, she knows all this shit and second, because she's too busy trying to drown herself with her tears in Kristy's cleavage. However, little girlfriend manages to pull it together and throws out possibly her best performance. On her singout. Check out the irony in that one.

Goodbye, Ramiele. Don't cry too much - - now you can join Danny Noriega in the audience.

Turning 2 . . . in Dog Years?

Photo: OK magazine

Can the Crazy Cruise Camp cut the crap now? Pictures like this are why we haven't seen Suri out and about with her crazy parental units recently. There is no way on earth this kid is preparing to turn 2. No way on Teegack either, for that matter.

Is Tommy Boy carrying her because she's taller than he is if he puts her down? And what's with the sweater thingy? Is he on his way to a PTA meeting for his older kids? Does he even remember he has older kids? And why is Suri in a party dress to go play in some sandbox? Is she even allowed to do that? I would imagine that sandbox is full of pesky thetans.

But let's get briefly serious for just a moment. I wholeheartedly believe without a doubt that this child was born before April 18, 2006. Months before. This is a fascinating timeline, done over at Pink is the New Blog, showing Katie from October of 2005 until January of 2006. How does this chick go from having no discernible belly on October 2 to looking 5 months pregnant on the day the pregnancy was announced on October 8? How does she look heavily pregnant on December 14 to having a fairly flat belly on December 17? I'm sensing some shenanigans. And don't think THE! BIGGEST! MOVIE! STAR! EVAH! TOMMYBOY CRUISE! can't pull something like this off. He played a sane, straight man for years, right?

So I'm thinking that Suri silently entered the world in November or December 2005 - - making her more like 28-29 months old, rather than preparing to turn 24 months. And also making it highly doubtful that The Little General fertilized the old egg. Of course, this is my speculation only and I have absolutely no proof or facts to back it up - - but look at those pictures.

To quote Bill and Ted "Something strange is afoot at the Circle K."

Step Away from The Cusack!

Image Source: Celebitchy

Thank God there is no IQ requirement for stalkers. Otherwise the stalker population would diminish significantly, John Cusack wouldn't be in the news today and people like Paris Hilton wouldn't have a career alternative.

So I used to love John Cusack. I'm talking serious love. Not stalker love, mind you - - but had I known he lived in the 24000 block of Malibu Road (thanks, L.A. Times) while I was living in Southern California, it probably wouldn't have been unheard of for me to do a drive-by (or a hundred, take your pick). Hey, it's not like I would have gone thru his trash or anything.

So back to The Cusack. I loved him because he was just so sweeeeeeeeeeet in his movies. Who didn't love Gib from The Sure Thing? Or Lloyd Dobler from Say Anything? Who can forget "I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that." Classic line right there.

This was back in the day, when very little was said about The Cusack's private life. Still not a lot is said, but there are whispers and grumblings about The Cusack being a mean drunk, a womanizer and basically a douche of epic proportions. Sigh. Why must one of my 80s idols suffer such a fall?

Anyhow . . . The Cusack still has fans. They may not be bright, but they are fans. Case in point. Emily Leatherman. Who was picked up by the Los Angeles County po-po in front of The Cusack's casa after taking a cab to his home and refusing to pay. Before you bust out laughing, keep in mind that this crazy bitch had a restraining order taken out against her by The Cusack before this event. Yeah, high brain cell count doesn't run in her family.

So the irate cab driver called Johnny Law on her crazy, stalker ass and by the time they showed up on the scene, The Cusack was flagging them down to say he recognized her craziness and she was violating a restraining order. Needless to say, she was booked on suspicion of felony stalking, violating a restraining order and petty theft.

Damn, being a celebrity is a bitch. Let's see if The Cusack can spin this into some favorable publicity for himself.

Image Source: Celebitchy

Better Late than Never

Yeah, I know, this post is a week late. But it's my blog, so get over it.

This episode belonged to David Cook and Michael Johns. They rocked the house and put everyone else to shame. I am officially their bitch.
Ramiele . . . why is she still in this competition? I like her, she's cute and she has a voice but she doesn't seem to want to use it. Not only does she get the craptastic first slot, not only does she not even attempt some white boy moves a la Tommy Boy and stands there like a lawn gnome, but she does a horrendous job with Heart's "Alone" (a song I love, BTW). I understand that she's been sick but hey, it's a singing competition. I know she has shown promise and I think she can do much, much better but each week's performance has to be judged on that week and that week alone - - not what the contestant has done in the past or might do. Weakest performance of the night, IMO, and she should have been on the seal with the B3, if not sent home entirely.
David A. is definitely venturing into pageant territory for me. His song choice was really no different than Kristy's - - sing a song with a message and the public will love you, right? Not so much. Simon was right - - ghastly theme park and where were the people wearing animal suits? If it weren't for the hysterical tween girls that are probably speed dialing for 2 hours straight, David might be in trouble.
Chikezie has a great voice, but his song choice was really terrible. He is so entertaining when he's on stage and has an upbeat song and this really did nothing for him. Shame.
Syesha has a good voice but she is like the Ice Queen for me. She and Carly both. Absolutely no warmth comes thru their performances at all. Did Syesha deserve to be on the seal? Probably not. Ramiele should have been there in her place. Carly's clothing is horrendous. She needs a stylist pronto. Wearing a black Hefty bag makes me think she is attending the Katie Holmes School of Fashion Design. Ugh. Her singing of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" was okay, I guess. We're not talking butchering of "Carry on My Wayward Son" or anything like that, but The Chosen One, she ain't. And why does she look like a crazed axe murderer while she's singing? Seriously, watch her face and her eyes. We're not talking eyefucking, we're talking eyekilling. Scary. I think it's absolutely hilarious that she looks stunned, shocked and pissed when the judges don't celebrate her gift of singing to America. Someone has a wee sense of entitlement.
Kristy turns in her best performance by a mile, as Simon says, but not hard when you've been stinking up the joint. She definitely is best suited for country, so she'll probably shine this next week, but after that, I imagine her days are numbered.
Brooke turns in another good performance - - not nearly as stellar as "Love is a Battlefield" though. I hope she didn't peak with that. Her hair looks amazingly great straight. Not a real fan of the official theme song of Stalkers United, but it sounds good with just the piano. Definitely think Brooke is the most consistent female and should be the last female standing, at this point.
Jason certainly isn't going to win the whole shebang, but man, do I love him! He is so freaking funny - - and so freaking stoned most of the time. I liked his rendition of "Fragile" but I do think he needs to bust out of his comfort zone and quick if he wants to stay much longer.
Hot Michael brought all kinds of Aussie hotness to the stage. Finally, finally - - he brings it. First time since Hollywood week I think he has truly, truly connected with the song and looked comfortable on the stage. The last two notes of the performance gave me chills - - so strong and so dead on. As Simon pointed out, most memorable performance of the night - - until David Cook cleaned up in the pimptastic final slot. I admit, I thought "oh crap" when Ryan announced that David was doing "Billie Jean". Absolutely brilliant performance. I know he was doing a cover of Chris Cornell's version - - Ryan announced that. The arrangement was fantastic, the musicians were perfect and David's voice was absolutely suited for the song. Heck, I didn't even mind the eyefucking - - I was actually waiting for it.
Was disappointed with the results show - - the group sing was unbelievably cheesy. What's next, a cover of The Brady Bunch's version of "Sunshine Day"? Hot Michael and David C.'s chest bump was classic and lightened up the geekdom. Very disappointed that Chekezie got the boot - - he seemed very gracious anyhow and is probably relieved that he won't have to run from Ryan grabbing for his face and hair. Again, Ramiele really should have been there. Syesha had the major bitch face going. I don't think she will last much longer. The call-in questions are ridiculous and nothing but (obvious) filler. Does anyone really care why Carly looks like she's gained a little bit of weight? Okay, she's not pregnant. Thanks for clearing that up, Ryan. And her performance wasn't great the night before because she was wearing Spanx? Huh? I'm sorry, since when do your undergarment choices affect your singing or song choice? Isn't she going to go a step further and claim that she was wearing said Spanx when she actually chose the song, since the judges thought the song was all wrong for her? Blame the Spanx! And just a side note - - if she was indeed wearing Spanx on Tuesday night, they are defective and she should get her money back because she didn't look any slimmer. And thanks, Carly, for throwing in that you had just come out of the bathroom before taking the stage. Good to know. Surely I can't be the only one rolling my eyes at this. And can the amazed "there are so many buttons" and "I don't understand recording studio lingo" crap - - we all know that you have recorded an album in the past. That ship has sailed. And David A. - - I'm sorry but I still believe your Stage Dad From Hell picked out that song for you. That is all.
I cannot wait for Dolly Parton next week. Not a country music fan but I love Dolly! Should be interesting.