Was everyone taking secret sips out of Paula's Coke cup or what? Hands down, that was the weirdest night of Idol so far this season - - Randy was bitching and pissing all over the place, Paula's boobs made a special cameo appearance and Simon was surprisingly tame and agreeable. Ryan was Ryan, so some things never change.
Naturally, the theme is "inspiration" and what songs inspire the Idolizers. Who would guess that it would basically be a snoozefest?
Hot Michael is up first and has chosen "Dream On" by Aerosmith. Love Aerosmith, love "Dream On". Not sure if it might be a tad too big for Hot Michael though - -who is once again sporting a cravat. What's up with that? He starts off good, I think, and does a decent job with the song and gives a good performance, although I was a little skeeved out by the falsetto notes at the end. Definitely shaky. Randy, being that he is in a bitchy, pissy mood, proceeds to tell Hot Michael that it wasn't the right song choice, "rocker dude" just doesn't fit him, he needs to stick with the bluesy theme and it was just all right for him. Which it takes him something like half an hour to get out. While Paula, her boobs, Simon, his agreeability, Ryan and Hot Michael patiently wait. Paula, no surprise, completely disagrees with Randy and thinks Hot Michael turned in a great performance. So good, in fact, that her chihuahuas would have joined him on stage. No, you didn't read that wrong and you didn't miss anything. Just bear in mind that Paula probably had a couple of Vicodins and a shot of vodka for dinner before putting on that outfit which is obviously cutting off her oxygen supply, while pushing her boobs up to her chin, and so it's no wonder that she's seeing chihuahuas. Which are probably every color and aura of the universe. Simon is completely baffled by the chihuahua comment but jokingly says that only on American Idol can such a comment be made. True that, Simon. Ryan, of course, has to inject his gayer than gay humor by making some aside about Simon's chihuahuas. Whatever, Captain Seacrest. Be quiet. Simon tells Hot Michael that while he didn't think it was his best performance, it was still an enjoyable performance. I must agree with Simon. Definitely did not come close to last week's "It's All Wrong but It's All Right". Smoking hot.
Syesha is up next and in keeping with her diva mode, she has chosen a Fantasia song. Now I didn't watch Idol back in the Fantasia days but even I know how foolhardy that choice probably is. She actually does a decent turn with the song - - again, I'm not familiar with Fantasia or the original but the judges' comparing her to the original is completely expected. At least by me, by the judges and, oh, everybody except Syesha. She seems surprised by Randy's less than awed reaction to her performance and wants clarification. He tells her Fantasia really connected with the song and while Syesha sang it well, he didn't feel she connected the same way. Girlfriend seems miffed and gets major bitchface. Now, was Syesha like this during auditions and Hollywood Week? Because I remember her seeming very humble - - she lost her voice during Hollywood Week and I felt sorry for her and she seemed sweet and earnest. What the hell happened to her? Paula basically tells her the same thing - -that vocally she was on, but there was something missing, that Paula didn't connect to her. Neither did we, Paula. Simon thirds what Randy and Paula said and Syesha, no doubt, went backstage to make voodoo dolls of Randy, Paula, Simon and Fantasia.
Jason was all kinds of wonderful with his ukulele version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". You know stoners everywhere were digging it and relating to it. Hopefully they could manage to get to the phone and vote. Because I loved it, I figured the judges would pee all over his ukulele parade. Luckily, I was wrong. Randy must have taken two Motrin during the commercial break because he thought it was hot and the best performance of the night so far. Seeing as how Paula resides most Idol nights "somewhere over the rainbow" she was beside herself with exuberance for Jason and his performance. The real test, however, is Simon. He tells Jason that the first time he heard that song, he didn't like it and didn't get it. The second time he thought it was good. The third time he thought Jason was fantastic. Way to go, Jason!
Kristy Lee is up next and I'm thinking something is way off with the universe and hell is going to freeze over, pigs will fly, Tom Cruise will come out of the closet and Paula will start making sense because, so far, she is the best of the night. I want to run and hide for even thinking that, much less typing it but there it is. So Kristy and her gold spangly shirt will probably live on for another week.
I was looking forward to David C. because, let's face it, he's set the bar pretty high these last few weeks. I was sorely disappointed. To throw him a bone, he looked pale and sick - - so it's possible he was ill and there are reports that his older brother is suffering with brain cancer - - which makes the line in his song about cancer all the more meaningful. It's not a bad performance, just not the David we're used to. The judges are relatively kind to him, saying basically the same thing and David - - wearing a jacket of all types of Sergeant Pepper - - seems to agree with them, flashes his palm which says "Give Back" and exits the Battlestar Galactica spaceship stage.
Carly is up next and has, surprisingly, taken Simon's advice and is wearing an outfit, rather than allowing the outfit to wear her. She does look much better. Her performance, however, is a different story. She has chosen Queen and I like Queen but girlfriend sounds angry, not inspired. The judges concur. Her singing was fine - - but like Syesha, she just doesn't connect with the audience. You know when Paula tells you she's not connecting with you, you're in trouble.
David A. is up next and obviously, inspirational songs are in his wheelhouse. Has The Chosen One chosen anything that wasn't inspirational? Of course I'm guessing that Mr. A. is choosing what he believes is inspiring enough to have his son win the Idol crown, but oh well. Davey has chosen "Angel", a song I have never heard before, and he performs it while seated at the piano, a la Brooke White. I like it, it's good but I'm not blown away by it or anything. The judges, quite naturally, are beside themselves with the awesomeness of David A. Why not give him the crown now and send the others home? Oh yeah, because Neil Diamond, Andrew Lloyd Weber and annoying Mariah Carey are still waiting to mentor.
After having the craptastic first slot last week and barely scraping by, Brooke gets the pimp spot tonight. She has chosen Carole King's version of "You've Got a Friend". I think she sounds good, very Brooke White-ish. Not nearly as awesome as "Love is a Battlefield" - - but I worry that she peaked with that one. The judges pretty much agree that it was nice, pleasant and so ends this episode of Idol.
Nice. Pleasant. But utterly forgettable.
Who will hit the seal? Syesha's mouthiness may get her spot, although her singing was good. Carly's Ice Queen coldness may send her there, although her singing wasn't bad. David C. gave his worst performance, IMO, of the season, but his previous awesomeness may buy him safety. Or will Idol fool everyone and not boot anyone as they did last season, in keeping with the theme of giving back? We shall see.