April 3, 2008

Hello Dolly, Goodbye Ramiele

Image Sources: Americanidol.com & Dollypartonmusic.net
It was bound to happen. Surprising that it happened before Kristy Lee Cook went home, but seriously . . . I'm beginning to think girlfriend would survive a 10.0 earthquake, while being nuclear attacked. Diminutive Ramiele was sacrificed at the altar of Kristy Lee, and during Dolly's week!

I love me some Dolly Parton. I am no country music fan, not even close, but for some reason, I just love her to death. I think she would be an absolute hoot to hang out with. Plus, she's had work done, she is covered with all types of plastic but she admits it. Oh so many people in Hollywood could learn from her forthright-ness.

So obviously . . . this week was country week around the Idol ranch. Thank God no more Beatles to butcher. Ryan tries to pull a fast one, despite the fact that nearly all of his viewing audience is quite aware that Tuesday was April Fools Day and no way in hell is Fox going to pre-empt its cash cow with some stupid Moment of Truth, celebrity edition with Simon or not. But nice try, Captain Seacrest.

So we see the Idol gang, gathered around the piano, and in struts Dolly. Wearing her big hair, acrylic nails, false eyelashes, probably ten pounds of makeup and an outfit that only she can pull off (and probably in a size negative 2). God, I love her. As a bit of an aside, where do you think she shops? Is there some store in Los Angeles, or in Nashville, that has Dolly as their sole customer? Because when I'm shopping at Target I never see anyone wearing the clothing she wears. Just wondering.

So Brooke is up first in the craptastic number one slot. She is singing "Jolene" which I don't know. I will find out that not knowing jack shit about these songs is pretty much going to be a repetitive theme tonight. So Brooke sings about Jolene and how Jolene had better not steal Brooke's man, even though she can, or Brooke will beat Jolene's ass down with her cheery sunny demeanor. She strums a guitar and has a fiddle player and a drummer, I guess, although he appears to be beating on a random box. It's okay. I mean, her voice is good. I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it either. Randy thinks it's "aaaaaight", of course. Paula, quite naturally, is as effusive as she always is when she's been riding around in the magical mystery bus. She tells Brooke that her performance was great because "you're Brooke White!" Glad we've got that little mystery cleared up. Maybe next Paula can explain to us why Carly has some Amy Winehouse looking chick tattooed on her arm. Simon, quite naturally, disagrees with Paula and thinks Brooke's performance lacked any emotion whatsoever and didn't get it.

So David Cook is up next and besides getting a haircut, like we didn't see this coming a mile away, Ryan has to sit with David and explain to the Idol-watching public how David chooses his arrangements, while David patiently explains that he finds other artists' covers online and rips them off. I jest. I like David C. His performances have been awesome the last month or so and are really the only reason I continue to watch Captain Seacrest make an idiot of himself each week. So David is doing "Little Sparrow", which again, I don't know. This time, David is doing his own arrangement. And I like it. His voice suits the song very well. Randy and Paula love it and while Simon doesn't think it kicked as much ass as last week's "Billie Jean", he tells David he's pretty darn good if he can make a song about sparrows interesting.

Ramiele is up next and she's singing "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind". Dolly is very cute with Ramiele, saying "finally, someone my size!" Ramiele's performance is pleasant, but nothing stand-out. Simon tells her she belongs on a cruise ship, singing while serving someone a fruity concoction with an umbrella.

So Jason is up next and can I say that I just loved how Dolly immediately grabbed his dreadlocks while meeting him? I'm telling you, she would be an absolute blast to hang out with. Jason is doing "Travelin' Thru" and although the judges don't think much of his performance, I really like it. I think the song is perfect for his voice and his (limited) range. I liked it so much in fact that when Simon basically craps on it, I pick up the phone and throw Jason some votes. (I watch on my DVR, after the live show, so please don't email me to point out inconsistencies).

So Carly and her Spanx are up next and she's chosen "Here You Come Again". This song I know and I'm not surprised she would pick it. Dolly seems blown away by Carly and I am disappointed that she has fallen under the spell of the Irish Ice Queen. So Carly sings and she does a pretty good job, even to someone like me, whose heart is full of black goo when it comes to the Carly Lovefest that Idol is so determined to shove down my throat. However, I did notice that Carly is a much better singer if you don't watch her sing - - otherwise you are forced to see her make serial killer eyes at you when she hits the big glory notes (not to be confused with eyefucking, which was sadly absent this week). Randy and Paula, quite naturally, are practically falling all over themselves to tell Carly how fricking amazing and wonderful she is, blah, blah, blah. Simon evidently didn't get the "go ga-ga over Carly" memo because he says it was a good performance but not a stellar one. He goes one step further and tells Carly that she really needs to have a word with whoever is dressing her because it's not doing her any favors, and at this point in the competition she should be looking like a star. I heart Simon. What else can I say? Ryan, Randy and Paula, of course, come quickly to Carly's defense because they are ass-kissers. Paula, quite naturally, thinks she looks beautiful and is improving each week. Uh, yeah. At least her shirt isn't sporting rosettes this week. But her top still looks suspiciously maternity-like and her jeans are way, way too tight. The overall effect, for me, is like a red Christmas tree.

David Archuleta is up next and he's chosen "Smoky Mountain Memories". Much better than that crappy message song he sang last week but deserving of the bowing before him performed by the judges? Don't know about that. The usual tweens are in the mosh pit, screaming and sqee-ing with delight. David looks shocked and scared.

So the indestructible Kristy Lee Cook is up next and she's singing "Coat of Many Colors". For the first time she's wearing a dress. She looks nice and the song is decent. Again, like Brooke, I don't hate it but I don't love it either.

Syesha is up next and it's no big surprise that she got "I Will Always Love You". She starts out doing Dolly's version, which is actually very lovely, but being Syesha, she has to go and Whitney it up. Look, Syesha, just because you're sitting atop a piano does not mean that you are automatically required to belt out any and every song. Randy and Paula love it, of course, while Simon wishes she hadn't gotten that song because who didn't know that she would go and ruin the song by trying to outbelt Whitney?

Hot Michael gets the pimp spot and . . . Jeebus. Seriously, Jeebus. That's all I can say. Honestly, I thought country week might very well put Hot Michael on the seal but he delivers and how. He sings "It's All Wrong But It's All Right" and he TEARS. IT. UP. Who knew he could do a bluesy version and so well? Best of the night, without question, for me. Randy thought he was blazing hot (duh), Paula loved it and my DVR cut off with Paula and her loopiness. Damn Idol for going over anyhow! Turns out that Simon also loved it, thinking it was Hot Michael's best performance to date.

So for the reveal, the contestants do a goofy "Nine to Five" and then Idol tries to mix it up by having three Idols come out, without one being sent to the stools. Ryan tries to pull a fast one on Carly, by making her (and us) think that she's in the Bottom Three, before sending her to safety. So not funny, Ryan. You got my hopes up there and I don't appreciate it. Hot Michael is so obviously hot and so obviously safe. David A. is safe (the tweens aren't on spring break yet). David C. is safe and medically sound, after having a little high blood pressure scare the night before. Jason is safe and even screechy Syesha is safe. That leaves Brooke, Ramiele and Kristy in the Bottom Three. Kristy has gotten so used to this that she's made a little sign that says "Kristy's Seat". At least she sees the humor in her Haley Scarnato situation.

So Dolly comes out to perform, again decked out in her Dolly finest. Have I mentioned how much I love this woman? She sings about Jesus and gravity, which is just awesome. I suppose she should be thanking Jesus that cosmetic surgery can hold off gravity. Ryan is no match for the force that is Dolly, that's for sure.

Oh yeah, and before Dolly we are treated to a "Where Are They Now?: Nashville" segment of Idols of the past. Bo Bice, Phil Stacey - hi, Phil! - and Bucky Covington are now proud, or not so proud, residents of Nashville. Nashville looks very green, very tree-sy and country in the clip - - much nicer than the gray overcast skies I am being subjected to right now. Wonder which Season 7 Idols will be moving to Nashville this summer?

So Brooke is quickly relieved of the pressure of being in the Bottom Three by being sent to safety. Thank goodness because she's crying and shaking and just so not like our usual Miss Sunshine. Someone please give her a sandwich on the way to safety. That leaves Kristy and Ramiele. Obviously Ramiele is in deep shit because Kristy has proven to be indestructible - - which she proves yet again by claiming victory and the last "safe" seat. Kristy looks like an absolute amazon next to Ramiele. Is she even 5 feet tall? Ryan tries to cover for Ramiele's emotional breakdown, showing her Idol journey, with Ruben singing, which Ramiele isn't even watching because first, she was there, she knows all this shit and second, because she's too busy trying to drown herself with her tears in Kristy's cleavage. However, little girlfriend manages to pull it together and throws out possibly her best performance. On her singout. Check out the irony in that one.

Goodbye, Ramiele. Don't cry too much - - now you can join Danny Noriega in the audience.

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