May 13, 2008


Photo Source: A&E
Stop the dog and pony ride, I want off!

One of my favorite shows, A&E's The First 48 is no longer going to tape in Memphis!! No!! It can't be! Those Memphis detectives are my absolute favorites. Especially Caroline Mason. Love, love, love her! Where else am I supposed to learn how to choose the right bag, stylish and yet large enough to carry my service revolver? How else am I supposed to learn how to present just right with my lipgloss, eyeliner and curling iron, before making an arrest? Well, hell!

The peeps over at A&E claim not to know why the city of Memphis is robbing the rest of the country of Sgt. Mason's awesomeness; the Memphis Police Department is being quoted as saying that the homicide detectives need a break. Does that mean the perps will stop killing each other? Didn't think so. City leaders claim that the show has given Memphis a bad rap. "Memphis is not unlike any other urban city where we have our challenges, but it's certainly a great place to live, and we want to advocate that to others and encourage them to visit our city." Please! The homicide detectives close those cases in under 48 hours. How is that a bad rap?

I certainly hope Memphis changes its mind. I need my Thursday fix of Sgt. Mason, Mitch Oliver, Kevin Lundy and Tony Mullins. These people are all kinds of awesomeness.

Daddy Archuletta Gets Banned

Image Source: A Socialite's Life
It was only a matter of time, folks, if the stories coming out of American Idol are true. And seeing as how producers that will allow annoying celebrities like Teri Hatcher, Judge Judy to attend their shows but will ban Archie's dad from the rehearsals, it's gotta be true.

It's been rumored that Mr. Archie has been creating a stink from day one, so insistent is he that his spawn win this competition. Last week, however, he wanted Archie to use a line from Sean Kingston's "Beautiful Girls", inserted into Archie's version of Ben E. King's little ditty of "Stand by Me". The Idol producers told Archie and Mr. Archie not to use Kingston's line because it would make them liable to pay up for using it. Mr. Archie decided that he knows far more than some stupid producers that have only been running this show for the last seven seasons and told his beleaguered meal ticket to go ahead. Archie did and the Idol producers got slapped with a bill from Mr. Kingston's publishers.

You know, Mr. Archie might very well be this kid's downfall. I thought for sure that Archie was the obvious shoe-in as the winner of Season 7 - - he's young (ONLY SEVENTEEN!) and malleable but his dad is part of the deal (kind of like hiring Katie Holmes, you know Tom Cruise, Scientology and being brain dead is part of the asking price) and if his dad is being difficult now, imagine what the Napoleonic little terror is going to be like if Archie was a recording artist. Hmmm.

If the producers aren't going to take Mr. Archie out back and put him down, they might better slip him some of Paula's Vicodin and vodka mix. Then he'll be seeing chihuahuas and all colors of the rainbow.

May 12, 2008

Kelly and Donna Are Returning to 90210!

Photo Source:

Okay, I admit it. I have a weird, unexplainable fascination with Beverly Hills, 90210. I love it. It's cheesy, it's campy, it's a ridiculous teen soap but I. LOVE. IT. Even with Kelly Taylor's righteous holier-than-thou attitude, Brenda's wonky eye, Brandon's huge, distracting, honking watch and Shelf-O-Hair, Dylan's stereotypical moodiness and strange whisper-like talk, Steve's obnoxiously loud shirts (it was the 90s), David Silver's annoying geekdom, Andrea's 30 year old high school senior and her prissiness, and Donna's big hole in her chest (bad implants), size 0 clothing and sometimes painful attempts at screwball comedy. Even with all that, I still love it.

The geniuses over at the CW, in all their infinite wisdom, decided that the time is right for a Beverly Hills, 90210 spin-off. No, not the Melrose Place type (remember, Melrose Place started on 90210, with Jake building something (who cares what, really?) for Jackie and Mel's wedding, and Kelly meeting him?) No, this is 90210 15 years later, but with a new cast of spoiled, whiny teens. Ah, some things never change.

Word around the gossip mill for the last several weeks has been that Tori Spelling (Donna Martin), Jennie Garth (Kelly Taylor), Jason Priestley (Brandon Walsh) and Ian Ziering (Steve Sanders) are all anxious and willing to sign up for the new show.

It's official! Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling are returning to play Kelly and Donna, respectively. No word on where Dylan McKay and David Silver will be. If you remember correctly, the series ended with Donna and David getting married and Kelly and Dylan deciding to be a couple.

No word on what Donna will be doing, but Kelly is reportedly a school guidance counselor at good old West Beverly, in a recurring role.

I know I will hate myself for doing this, but I will watch this new show. It will suck because it won't be the original 90210 and these new kids simply won't be able to hold a candle to Brandon, Brenda, Kelly, Dylan, Steve, Andrea, David and Donna. But I will still watch because I'm a pushover that way.

Here's hoping that Steve Sanders and the Minnesota Twins, Brandon and Brenda, are set to return next. Imagine how exciting it will be to see Brenda and Kelly getting into a bitchfight as 35 year olds!

Can Lohan Fall Any Further?

Image Source: Mollygood
Hard to believe it's been only four short years since Lohan had her breakout role in Mean Girls, where she not only looked cute (and age appropriate) but was apparently an It Girl in waiting. Not so much anymore.

Lohan was dropped from the indie flick The Manson Girls, where she was set to play Nancy Pitman, a spoiled surfer girl who falls under the messiah-like spell of Charles Manson pre-Helter Skelter. Word is the producers could not find other actors and actresses willing to act with the troubled starlet, who was getting a huge break by getting this movie - - she hasn't been seen onscreen since 2007's stinker I Know Who Killed Me.

Lohan's rep, quite naturally, fired back with a questionable statement that Lohan turned down the film because she had other commitments that prevented her from taking on The Manson Girls.

I suppose promoting her leggings line would be "other commitments" because, seriously, who is going to hire her skanky, used up ass at this point? She's a liability, plain and simple.

So as if Lohan isn't persona non grata around Hollywood enough, she's also been accused of having sticky fingers - - and not from the booze and coke.

Lohan was accused of stealing an $11,000 fur coat from some model I have never heard of. And Lohan being Lohan (in other words, one sandwich short of a picnic) she actually wore the pilfered fur after taking it and allowed her photograph to be taken, while wearing it. Yeah, the Lohans were bellying up to the bar when the intelligence gene was being handed out.

After that PR mess got sorted out, former roommate Lauren Hastings accused Lohan of stealing thousands of dollars worth of items from her closets, while Lohan was officially housesitting and unofficially throwing a decadent party and using Hastings' closets as her own personal Robertson and Melrose.

Lohan's rep issued a statement, refuting Hastings' claims, stating that Hastings' story isn't true and "it's not what it seems". What does that mean? Is that fancy PR talk for "yeah, Lohan took the clothes but she thought since she was a celebrity, she could do that"? Because that's the vibe I'm getting.

How much longer is Lohan truly going to last in Hollywood? It's obvious that the real players don't want to work with her and her reputation is lower than the gutter.

Ali Lohan better watch out. Mama Dina will need a new cash cow.

Psychotic Mailbag

Anonymous writes:

i just read every single word that you said. (Referencing this post: You come across as horrifically bitter, twisted and jealous.You obviously do not share in the fame and success that is rightfully the territory of the stars in general.It is for that reason alone that your only "pathetic claim to fame" as unsuccessful as it is, is to make those who have "achieved it" look less than what they are and truly deserve.I remember an old saying that goes something like this....... "jealousy is a curse" maybe you are familiar with that one?.Go back to your bottle of alcohol and drown your sins you pathetic piece of nothingness.Let the stars bask in the glory that they so richly deserve.

Dear Anonymous:

Thank you for taking the time to comment on my blog and remind me why I like my animals so much. I can assure you that I am not jealous of Tom Cruise. Why would I be? He lives his life, enmeshed in a dangerous cult, and he lives a lie. There is no amount of money in the world that would make such choices worthwhile.

And why is "fame" and "success" "rightfully the territory of the stars in general"? Are you suggesting that others have no right to fame and success? I'm sure this would be news to people like Stephen King, Jimmy Rollins, Danica Patrick and many others who may not be your definition of a "star" but who certainly have achieved fame and success. And let's look at the other side of that coin - - Amy Winehouse has achieved fame and success; Lindsay Lohan has achieved fame and success; Britney Spears has achieved fame and success. Would I want to be in their shoes? Hell, no.

And while I'm flattered that you consider my little old blog a claim to fame, pathetic or otherwise, I'm not trying to be famous. I enjoy writing and that's my only mission here. And if people are reading, then I am successful. Sorry to burst your bubble. You don't have to agree with me, you don't even have to like what I write. They are my opinions and that's all. You see, Anonymous, that's the wonderful thing about our country (and not being Scientologists). We can express our opinions without fear of being declared an SP or forced into Purif. If you don't know what that is, I suggest you check it out because the Tom Cruise you so vehemently want to defend is a practitioner and supporter of both.

I suggest that you go back and read your post to me. Now read mine. Who sounds bitter now? Who sounds jealous? It's certainly not me.

I think you need to lighten up.



p.s. - I don't drink, but thanks for the offer. I may "drown my sins" in a nice chocolate bar though.
p.p.s. - Tom, is that you?

May 9, 2008

In case you were worried, Kelly wants you to know that the Travoltas are totally normal

Image Source: PopSugar

Of course, everything is relative, isn't it? Because what's normal to me isn't necessarily the same type of normal to people who own several homes, who have their own jets and runways.

With Tommy Cruise being in PR overdrive and that robot he's allegedly married to not allowed to speak in public, (and Leah Remini probably too busy changing her 4 year old's diapers) it's up to Mrs. JT to be the voice of Scientological reason.

According to Mrs. Travolta, who spoke to Extra, they don't live in L.A., they live in Florida. (No doubt in or around Clearwater, by those crazy ass Scieno headquarters). They have "got our kids, do a lot of very normal things there. We ride golf carts, swim, rollerblade…We try to keep the family together as much as humanly possible.” Extra goes so far as to claim the Travoltas live a low-key lifestyle. Once again, tomato, tomahto. Owning your own jet airplane (several of them) isn't exactly low-key to me but I get pretty thrilled over coupon clipping.

Some other choice tidbits from the 17-years married Mrs. Travolta:

The Jerry Maguire star admits to having quite the shopping obession. “I love Target! I’m telling you, they have so many great things,” she gushes. “Kirstie Alley’s one of my best friends [yet another Scieno nut] and we’ve gone in there and walked out with two shopping carts a piece. It’s crazy. It’s bad.”
Despite their low-key lifestyle in Florida [ha!], it’s no secret that Kelly’s still one half of a major Hollywood superstar couple. But the actress says when it comes to their careers, she and Travolta are on the same page.
“There’s no competition at all,” she says. “I married one of the biggest movie stars in the world. To even think about that would be silly. I’m so proud of him. He’s the greatest.”
So has their parents’ fame affected the couple’s kids, Ella and Jett? “They think it’s normal,” Kelly says. “They’ve grown up on sets. They’ve traveled with us all over the world shooting different locations. They’re very much used to it.”
Kelly says the acting bug has already bitten 8-year old daughter Ella. “Ella, Johnny and I just did a movie together that’ll be out next year called Old Dogs,” she explains. “We shot with Robin Williams. Had the best time.”
The actress says she’s not worried about her daughter being exposed to Hollywood’s negative influences because, “It’s all about choices. About instilling values…We don’t do drugs, I don’t drink. Johnny doesn’t really drink so she’s not around a lot of that, so I don’t think she’ll be as tempted to fall into that…She’s an amazing kid.
Preston, who is perhaps best known for her on-screen love scene in Jerry Maguire with good friend Tom Cruise, dishes on what it was like to shoot that scene.
“There’s always awkwardness!…But he’s a pro. I’m a pro. It was a completely closed set, very well written, shot fast,” she reveals.
Kelly defends her friend’s infamous couch jumping stunt on Oprah, saying, “To be honest, I felt sad that I live in a society where we can’t show pure joy if you’re excited. He’s passionate, so he showed some unbridled emotion. Good for him. It was just spun out of control.”

Wow. I guess all Scientologists are in Code Red right now because Tommy Boy is having a PR emergency! Code Red! Code Red! Man your stations! That means get People on the phone immediately. I hope Kelly doesn't get RFPd for contacting Extra instead.

Seriously, I guess celebrity Scientologists just cannot give an interview without mentioning Tommy Boy. He must be like the Golden God or something to them.

And what is it with these crazy Scienos and thinking their kids are "amazing"? Isn't it time to get a new word? The thesaurus is full of them.

And for all the praise she gives her husband, never once does Kelly say she loves him. Hmmmm. She also doesn't mention all the babymaking they will be trying for this summer - - as they did last summer. I guess that was because John had a movie to promote. This summer, it's all about Tommy Boy and saving his ass, so no one is allowed to try for more Scieno babies except him! Him and his turkey baster.

And all the talk about Ella - - where is Jett? Why the avoidance with Jett? Face the truth, people.

Oh, and Kelly . . . jumping on Oprah's couch, pumping your fist and screeching "yes!" aren't signs of pure joy. They are pure insanity.

May 8, 2008

It's Time for a New Excuse

Image Source: TMZ

First it was Lohan. The drugs weren't hers because she was wearing someone else's pants. Not that I don't think it's not a normal morning for her to wake up and pull on the pants of whoever she's banged the night before and just leave in them - - ask the lady with the $11,000 fur coat that Lohan stole - - but let's get a little bit real. Not your pants, therefore not your drugs and you have absolutely no idea there were any drugs in that clothing. I might buy it if my neighbor were telling this story, but coming from someone who will hoover up anything white, I'm not buying Lohan's version.

Now Gary Dourdan is going to try his hand at this game. I love Warrick Brown, I really do. Even if I've lost the lovin' feelin' (sorry, been on Tom Cruise overload) for CSI, Warrick was always my favorite. Obviously Gary Dourdan isn't as smart as Warrick Brown.

Gary was arrested on April 28 in Palm Springs, after the local po-po found old Gar asleep in his car at 5:21 a.m. Johnny Law found heroin, cocaine, ecstasy and prescription drugs in his car. He was booked on suspicion of drug possession and later bailed out on $5Gs.

This is where is gets hinky. Gary claims the drugs weren't his. Despite the fact that no one else was in the car and it was indeed his car, all those recreational substances were not his. You might think this will fly when you're a kid and you parents caught you redhanded reading a book under the covers ("I wasn't reading!") or watching a movie you weren't supposed to ("But I wasn't watching it!") but can't these drug-addled celebs get any more creative than "It's not mine"? I mean, isn't it their job to be creative most of the time? Isn't that what they get paid for?
Anyhow, the obviously sleep-deprived Gary was hit with three felony charges, with his arraignment set for May 28. If convicted, Gary faces . . . oh, blah, blah. Gary Dourdan is a celebrity. That means he gets the celebrity exception rule, which requires that he show up in court, say he's very very sorry and he won't do it again and the Court will basically give him a slap and tickle and he'll be free to fall asleep in his car on your street.

Mischa Serves Up Some Whine With that Cheese

Image Source: DListed

I think the paparazzi can get out of hand. Truly, I do. When a celebrity (wanna-be or otherwise) has to worry in the privacy of his or her own home, or worries about their children being affected by the ever-present media, I think things get out of hand. After all, I was one of the believers in the media-as-the-monster when Princess Diana died. Don't judge, you know you were too.

So when a pap will actually warn a celebrity who is sunbathing topless that she can be seen and pictures will be taken, and that celebrity chooses to ignore the photographer, I say she probably gets what's coming to her.

Such is the case with Mischa Barton. Mischa was sunbathing, sans bathing suit top, when photographer Jamie Fawcett, who warned her beforehand about going topless with photographers around, took her picture.

Mischa responded with "He's a ridiculous human being. I've never abhorred anyone more. I was so angry, I went up to him and said how disappointed I was with his behaviour. He apologized but he was very insincere."

Um, why was Mr. Fawcett apologizing? Shouldn't Mischa have listened to his advice and thanked him? Oh yeah, wait . . . she's the celebrity. Rules don't apply to her.

So the picture showed up all over the place and it's pretty bad. Girlfriend has some serious cellulite issues for someone who is 22.

So Mischa had to speak out again, because, let's face it, bad publicity is still publicity and Mischa needs publicity because, really, no one has cared much since that frightening picture of her ex Cisco Adler and his low hangers. Mischa, through her PR peep, says that the photos are doctored and would give the Suri Cruise Vanity Fair photoshopped pics a run for their money.

All together now . . . Bitch, please!

Somehow I think if the pictures had come out flattering, Mischa wouldn't be complaining nearly as much.

Image Source: DListed

May 7, 2008

Tommy is Queen for Two Days

Image Source: Celebitchy
The unthinkable finally happened. Oprah fell victim to the happiest little fairy in all of Hollywood.

Three years after his couch jumping debacle, which really jump (heh, pun intended) started the Tom Cruise public trainwreck, Tommy returns for an intimate (yeah, minus the camera crew, makeup artists, set directors and the general director who was at the helm of this piece of garbage) sitdown in his Telluride home with the Mighty O.

Tommy and his robot Katie greet Oprah outside "their" home - -and I put that in quotes because we all know that Tommy gets all the property when they split - - the homes, the cars, the planes, the motorcycle, Suri. Katie is so bland and void of personality with the few lines that she's been scripted and allowed to speak that I think it's time for a robot upgrade. It's time to step up to Katie Version 2, Tom! Fortunately, Katie excuses herself with the excuse of taking "the kids to town". Yeah, right. Katie's free time is up and it's time for her to go back under the stairs. She does tell Tommy "I love you" about three thousand times before leaving, and "have fun" a good dozen. I'm sure it will really be fun for Tom to explain his crazy-ass self to the general public. At least someone thought to brush Katie's hair before Oprah showed up.

Tom shows Oprah around his digs, starting with the mud room, making sure to point out where Suri's shoes are (see, America! I do have a daughter, her name is Suri, she's real and she lives here, not at Gold!) Tom also shows Oprah "Suri's office", which creepily enough is a space under the stairs, where there are some toys and a little table (where Suri has her tea parties, according to Tommy). Tommy even crawls in under the stairs to show Oprah how they attend Suri's tea parties. I don't buy it. I'm sure Tommy crawls in that way when he has to have a serious "you fucked up" conversation with Katie. I'm pretty sure that's where Katie eats her meals and has her tea parties. Then we see the massively huge Cruise kitchen, which is surprisingly not as magnificent as I would have thought. Okay, it's probably as big as my kitchen, and dining room, and family room, and master bedroom and bathroom. All right, and the spare bedrooms too! But it's so sterile and cold and I can't imagine that anyone actually cooks and eats in that kitchen. Tommy tells Oprah that it's the heart and soul of the house. See? Told you! Oprah practically clucks with delight and tells her cameraman that "it's so nooooooooormal!" Sure, Op, if you consider having about 2,000 square feet for a kitchen, I guess it is pretty darn normal. There are plates of cupcakes on the massive table and on the kitchen counter, which Tommy tells Oprah Katie made. Since these ass clowns think phoning in an order is considered "designing", I'm sure that Katie did indeed "make" them (meaning she placed an order at the local bakery). Enough with the damn cupcakes, Camp Cruise. We get that Katie has a serious obsession with pastries. Stop talking about it, get her therapy and a diabetes test. Oh wait, that's right. You're Scientologists, so no therapy. And you can use your amazing super power mind controls to keep yourself from getting diabetes. Uh-huh.

So Oprah declines the offer of sprinkly, frosted cupcakes (probably a wise move as they are surely laced with niacin or barley water or some other kind of Scientology juice) and Tommy shows her his pool table (not one of the tables from Color of Money), his home office/library where all his original movie scripts, complete with his notes, are bound and shelved. Oprah squawks about how much money Tommy could get on eBay with this babies - -and you know he's making a mental note about that, considering that advance reviews of Valkyrie pretty much suck. Tommy then shows the family room, where he maintains that 18 or so family members or friends will squeeze in to watch movies. Why? Don't they have a 20,000 square foot house or something? I guess for the same reason that some random 25 people show up at the Crazy Cruise Colorado Compound for Christmas and gather round their dining table, while Katie (or "Kate" as he insists on calling her) cooks.

So finally the tour ends and the two queens of media sit on Tommy's couch to have a "serious" interview. Tommy looks nervous as hell and I suppose I would too, if Oprah had my balls in her hand. Any thoughts, hopes and fantasies that Oprah would actually provide a hardhitting, integrity-filled interview are immediately thrown out the window. (Actually, that probably happened when Oprah acted like she had never been to Telluride before upon arriving at the Cruise Compound - - she lives in Telluride, so knock it off, O) I'm not going to recycle the entire interview because basically no one deserves that kind of torture, but I will write a note to Tommy expressing my thoughts.

Dear Tommy:

I happened to catch your Oprah interview from your "normal" Colorado home. I was really hoping that you would go all monkey-on-crack like you did three years ago, but I imagine you got some auditing for that, or were at least put on the cans, so you were properly and disappointingly restrained. And I'm sorry to say, but you are oh-so-boring when you're not ranting, freaking out or having some kind of meltdown.

I understand why you chose Oprah to "explain" yourself from three years ago. A little late. Anyhow, Oprah interviewed you the way I would guess your own mother would. She didn't press you for too much detail, she even provided explanations for you and gave you outs. Made it easier for you, didn't it? But it wasn't what your viewing audience really wanted to hear. Again, we wanted you to go monkey-on-crack. Ah, memories.

Tommy, if you're going to throw acceptable truths all over the place, at least do so convincingly. And don't elect to do such a thing when there are tapes of you (Matt Lauer interview; CO$ "stolen" tape) all over the internet and transcripts of said tapes. We all watched the Lauer interview; we know you were more concerned with Brooke Shields' personal drug consumption than how medicated your children or my children were. And don't even go to the place where you say "it's the parents' decision, really, whether to medicate the children." As a parent of a medicated child, I remember very well what came out of your overactive piehole and it surely wasn't that statement. You were very, very clear to Mr. Lauer (and to us) - - you didn't believe in prescription medication and there was no gray area. Mr. Lauer attempted to ask you about individual situations and circumstances, but knowing the history of psychiatry in the way that neither Mr. Lauer, Ms. Shields, myself or the viewing public does, you refused to allow any variation. You were a good little Scientologist, really, but a bad, bad advertisement for yourself. Further, about the Lauer interview, you told Oprah that you felt "pressed" during the interview. Really? Because you never stated during that interview, or until Friday, that you ever felt "pressed" or pressured, or maligned or anything else. If anything, I seem to recall you seeming pleased as punch with your little self after that interview. If my memory is accurate, you claimed you wouldn't change anything you said. I guess it was indeed "a moment". But if you felt pressed, why not step away? Why not tell Mr. Lauer you were feeling pressed on the subject? Why continue to rant about the subject? Why not change the focus of the interview to, oh, I don't know, the movie you were supposedly promoting? I'm sure Mr. Spielberg would have appreciated it. Tom, we didn't believe that your first "date" with Katie was April 18, when this little tidbit conveniently came up after Suri's birth, which I'm sure was magical. I'm just going to lay it out there - - I don't believe that Suri was born on April 18. Let me remind you that when you and Katie first went public in 2005, which was somewhere around April 27-28-29, the two of you claimed that you had been dating for "a couple of weeks". Now Tommy, I know that you didn't go to college and I know that you suffered from dyslexia as a child (although you claim Scientology cured you with their "amazing" method of 1001 Uses of a Thesaurus to Cure What Ails You) but April 18 to even April 29 is only 11 days. 7 days being in a week (even for us wogs), that's not exactly a "couple" of weeks. That's barely over ONE week. Regardless, I digress. My point is that you claimed in your little tete-a-tete with Oprah that news of Katie's pregnancy leaked and because of that, you were forced to buy the sonogram machine. Unless I suffered some type of cranial injury and was in a coma that I do not recall, news of Katie's pregnancy was not leaked. It was freely given to the media by Lee Anne. Your sister, in case there is any confusion. There was no speculation about Katie expecting prior to this because, well, we all believed then (and believe now) that your little swimmers are defunct. And I can't say for absolute certain but I'd be willing to bet that Lee Anne (again, your sister) made the "exclusive" to your favorite publication (that would be People, #5 on your speed dial). And did you forget that Katie, that incredibly articulate tigress, already mentioned in an interview that you bought the sonogram machine for the doctor's convenience because he made house calls? Or perhaps you forgot that prior to Katie's statement, you had already mentioned getting the sonogram because you're like the director and want to see your daily work? I know, it's so hard keeping lies straight, isn't it? Regarding that COS tape that Oprah asked you about - - I imagine that your agents told you all about that because according to you, you don't use the internet, you don't wear jewelry, you don't have a Blackberry, etc. Oprah asked you about the video and she even helpfully suggested to you that it was obviously edited. That Oprah, so unbiased in her reporting. You agreed and said that it was a private tape, that was stolen. Okay, but you didn't dispute it was you or that you made the comments on it. You didn't say that the video had been edited to say those things - - lovely comments like non-Scientologists should be eradicated from the earth. Let me remind you, Tommy. That would mean whatever fan base you are trying to court would cease to exist. Who will you famewhore to then? And your "good buddy" Oprah? Isn't she a wog? Does that go for her too? Or only the people that can't give you a helping hand?

And most importantly, where was Suri? We all wanted to see Suri. We don't care to know whether or not you believe in God -- and don't lie about believing, because you've said in the past that Scientologists have no higher deity and you're not a good liar, Tommy. You didn't look at Oprah when you answered the question. So where was Suri? And why did Katie have to go into town? Next time, please schedule your interviews when it's not time for Katie's batteries to be recharged.

Sincerely yours,


American Idol: Jason Channels His Inner Phil Collins and Just Doesn't Care Anymore

Well, that was a kind of weird night. With all the song choices (I would assume), it was kinda bleh.

Cookie gets the craptastic first slot and when he announces that his first song is Duran Duran I nearly squeed with excitement and joy and then I felt faintly concerned. I love Duran Duran but performing one of their songs on AI? Not sure about that. Cookie has chosen "Hungry Like the Wolf" and while it's actually a solid performance, it's not a huge variation from the original, with the exception of Cookie's growling, do-me-now voice. Yes, Cookie is still bringing the sex-ay. Randy, quite naturally, thinks it's "aaiiight". Paula tells Cookie it makes her hungry for more. Oh yikes. Cookie had better watch his back. Simon thought it was good, but not great.
Syscreecha is up next and she has chosen "Proud Mary", a song I really do love. I have to admit that Screech does look good. I love the way she starts off the first part slow, more r&b-y and then goes into full on rocking Tina Turner-mode. I thought she did a great job, I thought her voice sounded fantastic and it was an entertaining, personality-filled performance. Which probably means that the judges will hate it. Randy and Paula give Screech a pass and Simon tells her it's like a bad Tina Turner impersonation and he didn't like it. Wow, seems like Simon is a bit bitchy tonight.

Before Jason interviews what his song choice will be, Mr. PS tells me it's got to be either Bob Marley or . . . someone else I can't remember right now because I think Idol sucked a lot of brain cells out of my head last night. Anyhow, Mr. PS was right on the money because Jason tells us he's going to be singing Bob Marley's "I Shot the Sheriff". Cooooooool. I thought it sounded pretty good and Jason seemed comfortable and in his element. The judges, however, apparently got a memo that said Jason must be eradicted from the Idol earth immediately. Randy basically hates the dude, because he gives Jason some lame line about how you don't touch Bob Marley. What??? Since when is Bob Marley untouchable? It's a good thing no one informed Eric Clapton of that fact because I think Eric Clapton's cover of the song is all kinds of awesome. Paula tries to soften the blow of the male judges by telling Jason he is who he is and that's great. Ah, those pearls of wisdom from Paula. Seriously, Idol cannot let this woman go because she is the most entertaining part of the show. Simon tells Jason his performance was atrocious, or something like that. Ryan reminds the viewers that they will need to vote. A-ha, Ryan got the memo too that TPTB want Jason gone. Like yesterday.

Archie gets the pimp spot (how surprising). Isn't this like the third time or so he's gotten the pimp spot this season? Idol producers, low key and less obvious should be thy name. So Archie has chosen to sing "Stand by Me". What a surprise. The day this kid choses a song without an inspirational message or some type of ballad, I will grow an inch, my hips will spread, my teeth will get somewhat gargantuan, I will prance about my house in a pretty pink fairy princess outfit and change my name to Tom Cruise. Jeebus. I don't want to hate this kid but he's not making it easy! Archie, you are 17! Act like it! Stop trying to tell me through your singing what a wonderful, wonderful world it is. You're only 17, you don't know! So back to Archie's performance. I thought it was gaspy and I thought he was straining in places. And I thought it sounded like his last 10 or so performances. So I assume the judges will be orgasming with pleasure over how freaking brilliant and amazing Archie is. And they do. Only Simon makes the comment about Archie seeming to strain at the end, but otherwise, all of them call it the best performance so far, of the night. What the eff ever, RPS. You call out other contestants for not stretching themselves out of their comfort zones, and Archie does the same old same old every week and he gets praised for it. It's obvious TPTB want Archie for the win.

For song two, Cookie is doing "Baba O'Reilly" by The Who and I have to admit that I, again, am sqeeing with delight. I love The Who and I think Cookie can tear this bitch up. Which I think he does. And he looks hot, hot, hot doing it. Bring it, Cookie! I am only sorry that he only had the 2 minutes or whatever to perform. I would love to hear the whole thing. RPS are all "David Cook is back!". At least I don't have to reach thru my t.v. screen and bitch slap Randy into "Hell's Kitchen" because he can lick Archie's ass but not give Cookie due credit.

Screech has chosen Sam Cooke's "A Change is Gonna Come". Like the song, don't like Screech's intro where she compares her struggle to make The Top 4 with the Civil Rights movement. It's kind of offensive, now that I think about it, but again, so much of Idol can be considered offensive. Screech has changed into a long gold dress and again, she looks nice and her voice sounds very good. The glory notes at the end are unwarranted, I think the song would have been more powerful if she had sung it lower and if she was really feeling the meaning and the words and not looking for an excuse to go all Mariah-Celine-Whitney on us. Because Screech isn't Archie, and isn't even Cookie, Randy has to diss her. He thought the song should have been simpler. Paula, quite naturally, disagrees and tells Screech that she thought it was wonderful and she thought Screech looked beautiful and the song exemplified the change that Screech has made during her time in Idol. Which causes Screech to cry. Wow, can Simon actually open up a can of bitchy whupass on a crying Screech? Nope! He agrees with Paula!! Biggest surprise of the night. Ryan has to get a tissue for Screech and then she has to open her big piehole and ruin it all, by saying again how much the song choice meant to her and how it made her think of her struggle on Idol. Sit down and be quiet, Screech.

Jason is up next and before shoving Screech off the stage, Ryan informs the audience, and Simon specifically, that Jason is up next. Wow, they really have it in for this poor guy. Jason's second song is "Mr. Tambourine Man" and, god almighty, he forgot the lyrics. Ohhhhhhhhh, Jason. A shame too because I actually think other than the lyric flubbing, it's a really solid, beautiful rendition of the song. The judges, though, didn't finish eviscerating Jason his first time out and really massacre the poor guy. Randy and Simon both want to know exactly what he's doing and what he's thinking. It's the Top Four, there is no excuse. I think they are being unduly harsh on the guy, but I also think he probably wants to go home at this point. He's basically gotten thrown under the bus for the last 3 weeks or so and nothing he does is going to cause them to froth at the mouth the way they do for Archie. Simon even tells Jason to pack his suitcase. Ouch.

Archie is last up and he's doing Elvis' "Love Me Tender". For the love of God, please, sing something besides a friggin' ballad!! Seriously, my head is going to explode! I think Archie's performance is all kinds of dull and boring but RPS tell him he's basically cleaned up the competition. Whatever. Simon even tells him that after the last performance Archie could come out a whistle and do better. (It could have been after his "Stand by Me" performance, I get easily confused). All kinds of cruel to Jason and really unnecessary.

Who should go? Jason. Vocally, he's really out of his league. I don't mind the forgetting the lyrics so much, because RPS gave both Archie and Brooke passes on that, but I really do think he wants to go.

Who will go? Probably Jason. TPTB want him gone. If not Jason, Screech. Not deserved, but I don't think she has a fan base anywhere near what Cookie and Archie have. So if Jason goes, out of the remaining three - - the most proficient vocally, IMO, is Screech. The most mainstream and best performer is Cookie. The most likely Idol material is Archie. The only one of these three I would buy a CD from is Cookie.

I will watch tonight and hope that if Jason does go, he gives a blazing, big old F U performance.