The unthinkable finally happened. Oprah fell victim to the happiest little fairy in all of Hollywood.
Three years after his couch jumping debacle, which really jump (heh, pun intended) started the Tom Cruise public trainwreck, Tommy returns for an intimate (yeah, minus the camera crew, makeup artists, set directors and the general director who was at the helm of this piece of garbage) sitdown in his Telluride home with the Mighty O.
Tommy and his robot Katie greet Oprah outside "their" home - -and I put that in quotes because we all know that Tommy gets all the property when they split - - the homes, the cars, the planes, the motorcycle, Suri. Katie is so bland and void of personality with the few lines that she's been scripted and allowed to speak that I think it's time for a robot upgrade. It's time to step up to Katie Version 2, Tom! Fortunately, Katie excuses herself with the excuse of taking "the kids to town". Yeah, right. Katie's free time is up and it's time for her to go back under the stairs. She does tell Tommy "I love you" about three thousand times before leaving, and "have fun" a good dozen. I'm sure it will really be fun for Tom to explain his crazy-ass self to the general public. At least someone thought to brush Katie's hair before Oprah showed up.
Tom shows Oprah around his digs, starting with the mud room, making sure to point out where Suri's shoes are (see, America! I do have a daughter, her name is Suri, she's real and she lives here, not at Gold!) Tom also shows Oprah "Suri's office", which creepily enough is a space under the stairs, where there are some toys and a little table (where Suri has her tea parties, according to Tommy). Tommy even crawls in under the stairs to show Oprah how they attend Suri's tea parties. I don't buy it. I'm sure Tommy crawls in that way when he has to have a serious "you fucked up" conversation with Katie. I'm pretty sure that's where Katie eats her meals and has her tea parties. Then we see the massively huge Cruise kitchen, which is surprisingly not as magnificent as I would have thought. Okay, it's probably as big as my kitchen, and dining room, and family room, and master bedroom and bathroom. All right, and the spare bedrooms too! But it's so sterile and cold and I can't imagine that anyone actually cooks and eats in that kitchen. Tommy tells Oprah that it's the heart and soul of the house. See? Told you! Oprah practically clucks with delight and tells her cameraman that "it's so nooooooooormal!" Sure, Op, if you consider having about 2,000 square feet for a kitchen, I guess it is pretty darn normal. There are plates of cupcakes on the massive table and on the kitchen counter, which Tommy tells Oprah Katie made. Since these ass clowns think phoning in an order is considered "designing", I'm sure that Katie did indeed "make" them (meaning she placed an order at the local bakery). Enough with the damn cupcakes, Camp Cruise. We get that Katie has a serious obsession with pastries. Stop talking about it, get her therapy and a diabetes test. Oh wait, that's right. You're Scientologists, so no therapy. And you can use your amazing super power mind controls to keep yourself from getting diabetes. Uh-huh.
So Oprah declines the offer of sprinkly, frosted cupcakes (probably a wise move as they are surely laced with niacin or barley water or some other kind of Scientology juice) and Tommy shows her his pool table (not one of the tables from Color of Money), his home office/library where all his original movie scripts, complete with his notes, are bound and shelved. Oprah squawks about how much money Tommy could get on eBay with this babies - -and you know he's making a mental note about that, considering that advance reviews of Valkyrie pretty much suck. Tommy then shows the family room, where he maintains that 18 or so family members or friends will squeeze in to watch movies. Why? Don't they have a 20,000 square foot house or something? I guess for the same reason that some random 25 people show up at the Crazy Cruise Colorado Compound for Christmas and gather round their dining table, while Katie (or "Kate" as he insists on calling her) cooks.
So finally the tour ends and the two queens of media sit on Tommy's couch to have a "serious" interview. Tommy looks nervous as hell and I suppose I would too, if Oprah had my balls in her hand. Any thoughts, hopes and fantasies that Oprah would actually provide a hardhitting, integrity-filled interview are immediately thrown out the window. (Actually, that probably happened when Oprah acted like she had never been to Telluride before upon arriving at the Cruise Compound - - she lives in Telluride, so knock it off, O) I'm not going to recycle the entire interview because basically no one deserves that kind of torture, but I will write a note to Tommy expressing my thoughts.
I happened to catch your Oprah interview from your "normal" Colorado home. I was really hoping that you would go all monkey-on-crack like you did three years ago, but I imagine you got some auditing for that, or were at least put on the cans, so you were properly and disappointingly restrained. And I'm sorry to say, but you are oh-so-boring when you're not ranting, freaking out or having some kind of meltdown.
I understand why you chose Oprah to "explain" yourself from three years ago. A little late. Anyhow, Oprah interviewed you the way I would guess your own mother would. She didn't press you for too much detail, she even provided explanations for you and gave you outs. Made it easier for you, didn't it? But it wasn't what your viewing audience really wanted to hear. Again, we wanted you to go monkey-on-crack. Ah, memories.
Tommy, if you're going to throw acceptable truths all over the place, at least do so convincingly. And don't elect to do such a thing when there are tapes of you (Matt Lauer interview; CO$ "stolen" tape) all over the internet and transcripts of said tapes. We all watched the Lauer interview; we know you were more concerned with Brooke Shields' personal drug consumption than how medicated your children or my children were. And don't even go to the place where you say "it's the parents' decision, really, whether to medicate the children." As a parent of a medicated child, I remember very well what came out of your overactive piehole and it surely wasn't that statement. You were very, very clear to Mr. Lauer (and to us) - - you didn't believe in prescription medication and there was no gray area. Mr. Lauer attempted to ask you about individual situations and circumstances, but knowing the history of psychiatry in the way that neither Mr. Lauer, Ms. Shields, myself or the viewing public does, you refused to allow any variation. You were a good little Scientologist, really, but a bad, bad advertisement for yourself. Further, about the Lauer interview, you told Oprah that you felt "pressed" during the interview. Really? Because you never stated during that interview, or until Friday, that you ever felt "pressed" or pressured, or maligned or anything else. If anything, I seem to recall you seeming pleased as punch with your little self after that interview. If my memory is accurate, you claimed you wouldn't change anything you said. I guess it was indeed "a moment". But if you felt pressed, why not step away? Why not tell Mr. Lauer you were feeling pressed on the subject? Why continue to rant about the subject? Why not change the focus of the interview to, oh, I don't know, the movie you were supposedly promoting? I'm sure Mr. Spielberg would have appreciated it. Tom, we didn't believe that your first "date" with Katie was April 18, when this little tidbit conveniently came up after Suri's birth, which I'm sure was magical. I'm just going to lay it out there - - I don't believe that Suri was born on April 18. Let me remind you that when you and Katie first went public in 2005, which was somewhere around April 27-28-29, the two of you claimed that you had been dating for "a couple of weeks". Now Tommy, I know that you didn't go to college and I know that you suffered from dyslexia as a child (although you claim Scientology cured you with their "amazing" method of 1001 Uses of a Thesaurus to Cure What Ails You) but April 18 to even April 29 is only 11 days. 7 days being in a week (even for us wogs), that's not exactly a "couple" of weeks. That's barely over ONE week. Regardless, I digress. My point is that you claimed in your little tete-a-tete with Oprah that news of Katie's pregnancy leaked and because of that, you were forced to buy the sonogram machine. Unless I suffered some type of cranial injury and was in a coma that I do not recall, news of Katie's pregnancy was not leaked. It was freely given to the media by Lee Anne. Your sister, in case there is any confusion. There was no speculation about Katie expecting prior to this because, well, we all believed then (and believe now) that your little swimmers are defunct. And I can't say for absolute certain but I'd be willing to bet that Lee Anne (again, your sister) made the "exclusive" to your favorite publication (that would be People, #5 on your speed dial). And did you forget that Katie, that incredibly articulate tigress, already mentioned in an interview that you bought the sonogram machine for the doctor's convenience because he made house calls? Or perhaps you forgot that prior to Katie's statement, you had already mentioned getting the sonogram because you're like the director and want to see your daily work? I know, it's so hard keeping lies straight, isn't it? Regarding that COS tape that Oprah asked you about - - I imagine that your agents told you all about that because according to you, you don't use the internet, you don't wear jewelry, you don't have a Blackberry, etc. Oprah asked you about the video and she even helpfully suggested to you that it was obviously edited. That Oprah, so unbiased in her reporting. You agreed and said that it was a private tape, that was stolen. Okay, but you didn't dispute it was you or that you made the comments on it. You didn't say that the video had been edited to say those things - - lovely comments like non-Scientologists should be eradicated from the earth. Let me remind you, Tommy. That would mean whatever fan base you are trying to court would cease to exist. Who will you famewhore to then? And your "good buddy" Oprah? Isn't she a wog? Does that go for her too? Or only the people that can't give you a helping hand?
And most importantly, where was Suri? We all wanted to see Suri. We don't care to know whether or not you believe in God -- and don't lie about believing, because you've said in the past that Scientologists have no higher deity and you're not a good liar, Tommy. You didn't look at Oprah when you answered the question. So where was Suri? And why did Katie have to go into town? Next time, please schedule your interviews when it's not time for Katie's batteries to be recharged.