August 20, 2008

The New Peach Pit?

If you have read my previous posts, you know that I am a fanatical lover of the cheese known as the original Beverly Hills 90210. No logical reason why, I just do.

The CW, in its questionable wisdom, decided that a new 90210 for 2008 is just the ticket and it's due to debut on (wait for it) . . . 09/02. Clever.

The new cast has been shooting what is sure to be a complete and total assfest and despite good old Nat not returning as far as we know, the Peach Pit will, however, be a returning character.

Exhibit A. The "new" Peach Pit. I hate it. Very Californian in appearance, very trendy, very Melrose or Rodeo Drive. Is this the kind of place that Brenda would have played as Laverne? Where Brandon and his Shelf of Hair would have worn a turquoise and wine red uniform? Not likely. It looks very much how the Peach Pit After Dark should have looked - - an idea that I hated, by the way.
So we have the "new" Peach Pit. Minus Nat. So who will be running it? It would be all kinds of hoots and hollers if big, dumb Noah returned to run the upgraded Pit. Poor Noah. He was all kinds of stupid and certainly got the short end of the stick all the way around. First, he got stuck in business with Val and in bed with Donna. Then, once the series looked to be ending, Donna and David had to get back together in a hurry and so Noah was cast somewhat adrift, left to practice his bad acting on some tertiary female character with an equally bad child actor. I think watching those particular episodes was more painful than a root canal.
I am disappointed that Brandon won't be returning. Bring him back from Washington, D.C. and let him become the new owner of the Peach Pit. We all know Brandon was much better at flipping burgers than he ever was at writing news stories.

August 14, 2008

No Way!


In "I can't believe it!" news, Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson are dating other people.

I know, I know. It was all set to be the fairytale romance of the century, complete with tattoos and STDs, but it simply wasn't meant to be.

While the heavily inked duo are apparently still living together while Pam's home is renovated (is that code for sprayed down with a heavy duty penicillin?) their sharing of digs is supposedly a platonic one. Pam is reportedly dating a member of the Abu Dhabi royal family - - obviously a gentleman who has far more money than sense and no personal regard for hygiene or sexually transmitted diseases.

Tommy, for his part, has now taken up with Daisy De La Hoya. Daisy, if you recall, was the runner up on Rock of Love 2, where she competed with twenty other publicity hungry hobags for the dubious honor of Bret Michaels' hand (and losing to the geriatric and alphabetically challenged Ambre). With her cosmetically enhanced duck lips, her inability to form full sentences and a proclivity for waving her arms around and gasping for air before bursting into tears, Daisy was a competitive reality show's wet dream. Although she didn't win the fair Mr. Michaels, she moved on, albeit briefly, to Carmen Electra's ex, Dave Navarro. If you didn't question Daisy's taste in men during the Rock of Love run, her choice of Mr. Navarro certainly should have given you pause.

Seeing as how Daisy slept with Bret, who slept with Pam in the past and Pam slept with Tommy, who is now sleeping with Daisy, does that mean that Bret and Tommy have now officially slept with each other?

Donna Won't Be There


One of the most horrifying admissions I can ever make in my life, thus far, is that I was a fan of the uber-cheesefest of the 90s, known as Beverly Hills, 90210. I was obsessed. Wednesday nights were sacred 90 viewing times, and Thursdays were spent rehashing the episode from the night before with my friend Sean. When 90 ended, there was a sense of sadness that a tradition was coming to an end, as well as a sense of relief that not only would I get my Wednesday nights back, but I wouldn't have to chuckle over Donna Martin Does Comedy, or Donna Martin Squeezes Into a Size Zero Jeans, or whatever the Kelly Taylor Crisis of the Week was.

You can imagine my horror at learning that such a sacred American institution was going to be butchered by the remake monster. How on earth could 90210 be remade for 2008? The blindingly loud 90s clothes, the actors old enough to be high school teachers playing high school students, Brandon and his Shelf of Hair and his Big Honking Watch, Steve and his desperate sign of virility, the 'Vette. Never mind the biggest bitch on t.v. before Amanda Woodward showed her claws on Melrose Place - - Brenda Walsh. Brenda was a bitch with a capital "B" and the worse she got, and the wonkier her eye appeared, the more I loved it. Her eventual replacement, Val, was a bitch too - - actually an even bigger, sneakier bitch but she wasn't an undercover bitch like Brenda and therefore not nearly as cool.

So no way, no how can such televised perfect be remade, replaced or redone. I totally expect the remake to go down in suck-ass flames. But when I heard that, first, Jennie Garth would join the cast in a recurring role as Kelly Taylor (what else), I knew I would have to watch the suckfest. Would Kelly still be with Dylan? Would Kelly still be operating the little p.r. firm she was starting when the show ended? Or would she be starting her twentieth career? Turns out that Dylan won't be happening. Bummer. And Kelly will be a guidance counselor at good old West Beverly. Seriously? Where is Mrs. Teasley? And who exactly would think it's a good idea for Kelly "DrugAddictBoyfriendStealingCultVictimRapeVictimCareerChangingCheatingHobag" Taylor to advise teenagers? Because she most certainly did not do a stellar job guiding herself.

So Jennie Garth was in and next we heard that Tori Spelling had been approached to reprise her role of Donna Martin Silver. Because, of course, we can't have Kelly without her eternal sidekick Donna - - if these two not only lived together as roomies at the "Beach Apartment" but ran a clothing business together and worked together all day, you can bet your ass that Donna will be at good old West Beverly too.

Still an assfest, but more watchable.

Then the new show dropped a bomb - - Shannen Doherty was coming back as Brenda! Brenda was back! The bitch was back! And quite naturally, working as West Beverly as a drama teacher. But of course. You didn't expect her to be working behind the counter with Nat at the Peach Pit, did you?

No Dylan. No Brandon. No Steve. No AN-drea/OHN-drea. No David (small miracle). No Jim and Cindy Walsh. But with Brenda, Kelly and Donna, let's see what kind of trouble and dirt these girls can dig up now they are in their 30s.

But no. Apparently the show's producers only offered Tori half of what they were offering to pay to have Brenda and Kelly return to the old zip code. So Tori decided to bail.

Bad, bad decision. First, Donna isn't and wasn't nearly as important as Brenda and Kelly. Originally the show was about Brenda and Brandon. She's vital. Kelly was the first friend Brenda made and she was the stereotypical Beverly Hills girl - - blonde, bitchy and recovering from rhinoplasty. Kelly would also become Brenda's nemesis when Dylan was forced to choose between the two of them. So she's definitely vital. Donna however. Yes, Donna became more of a central character as the seasons passed, particularly once Brenda departed for London (and Doherty departed for Charmed). But originally she was little more than a walk-on character who was less important that AN-drea/OHN-drea or David Silver. Not good.

Tori Spelling's acting career hasn't exactly flourished since 90210's demise. I did watch So NoTORIous and girlfriend can definitely do some mean self-parody. I also watch her current reality t.v. show on Oxygen and she seems like someone who would be pretty cool to hang out and dish the dirt with. That being said, I don't think the networks or executives are exactly knocking down her door with scripts and parts. According to the mantra preached over at Oxygen, Tori isn't rolling in the money . . . which begs the question, why turn down a guaranteed part? Maybe you're not making as much as Jennie or Shannen, but you're still bringing home a paycheck for a recurring role and you're putting yourself back on prime time t.v.

Big mistake, Tori.

Tommy Out of Salt

For months, Little Lord Tommy has been attached to the pending project Edwin A. Salt, about a good spy being accused of being a bad spy and having to go on the run to clear his name. Been done a million times before and probably won't call for any particularly strong acting chops. In other words, right up Tommy's alley.

However, Tommy has apparently been unceremoniously shown the door and replaced with Angelina Jolie. No matter what kind of reviews he's getting in Tropical Thunder, no matter what his people say, Little Lord Tommy is rapidly sliding down the rungs of the Hollywood ladder and will soon be joining his robotic wife on the C-list (if he's not there already).

This is big. This is huge. Tommy isn't being replaced because he's asking for too much money, or because the project is being held up for financing or didn't get greenlit. And it's not being reported that producers wanted to take the character himself on a different path (i.e., making him a her). In fact, all reports thus far suggest that Ms. Jolie expressed an interest in the film and from that interest, the part was rewritten to accommodate her.

That leads me to believe that this is about Tommy and Valkyrie. Hollywood insiders are saying that you can smell Valkyrie's cheese all the way to The Cube in Beijing. Many reshoots and retakes and a release date that has been pushed back a good three times over does not usually signal a blockbuster, or even a sleeper hit.

How low on the totem pole do you have to be to not only lose out on a role you've been attached to for months, based on another thespian's interest in the project, but a thespian of the opposite sex? Oh, BURN.

Karmic retribution is a bitch, Tommy, and I don't think it's over yet.

A Travesty


Who in Dollar General Store hell is going to buy Lynne Spears' book (and I use that term lightly) "Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World"? In case you're unsure, this is a book of parenting tips.

Yes, parenting tips from Lynne Spears. Yes, that Lynne Spears. The Lynne Spears whose eldest daughter married the first time in Vegas for a whopping 55 hours, married a total tool the second time for a whopping two years, had and neglected two children, had drug and alcohol problems and had a very public meltdown, peaking with shaving her head. That's just Britney. Her youngest daughter, the "stable" one, amid rumors of an affair with a much older producer of her show, announced she was pregnant at 16.

Ah, how proud the Spears family must be. No wonder Lynne wants to share her tips on how to accomplish such a feat.
Is she going to give advice on how to get your 16 year old daughter whored out on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine? Because you know Dina Lohan is probably buying advance copies as we speak and planning her strategy with Ali Lohan. God help us.

August 6, 2008

Lock Them All Up

I generally don't follow missing children cases too carefully because, sadly, there are so many and in seems that in most instances the parent(s) are somehow involved.

The Caylee Anthony story is a bit different because this 2 year old was missing for 30 days before the authorities were notified. And they weren't notified by Caylee's mother, Casey, but by her maternal grandmother, Cindy, who sounded the alarm after not seeing Caylee for a month and noticing that Casey's car smelled like a decomposing body.

I don't know which is the bigger red flag - - the child's mother not notifying anyone of her toddler daughter being missing for more than ten minutes or the car bearing an unmistakable odor.

Well, here is the kicker, as far as I'm concerned. Cindy Anthony has apparently done an about face and stated that she believes 100% that her daughter had nothing to do with Caylee's disappearance and the odor in the car? Moldy pizza.

This is beyond denial. This is a flat out obstruction of justice. I understand that Casey is Cindy's daughter, but what about Caylee? Who is looking out for her best interests? Certainly not Cindy and George Anthony, who appear more concerned about Casey being in jail.

And let's not have an ounce of sympathy for Casey, who has not only been pictured out partying with friends during the time her daughter was missing, but who had apparently been lying to her parents for over a year that she had a job and was going to work each day, while leaving their house, where she was residing with Caylee, but whose car was found abandoned, with Caylee's hair in the trunk. Yes, the same car that smelt of decomposing flesh, or moldy pizza, depending on who you believe. And the Anthonys had a concrete slab poured in their backyard after Caylee allegedly went missing.

It seems pretty clear to me. For whatever reason, Casey Anthony killed her daughter, put her daughter in the trunk of her car and drove around with her body in the car for at least a day or so, to account for the odor. Then she was removed from the car and likely buried under the concrete slab in the backyard. Cadaver dogs got a "hit" on Casey's car and the slab in the Anthony backyard.

Casey Anthony has already been arrested on child endangerment charges, as well as obstructing a criminal investigation and making false official statements. I say the Florida authorities arrest Cindy and George Anthony as well, because I think they know full well what happened to Caylee, and see who rolls on the other first.