December 13, 2008

Tommy Takes His Fuckery to Leno

As part of the Rehabilitation Tour, the Mini Messiah decided to grace Jay Leno with his presence and assault his eardrums with a painful rendition of Elvis Presley's "Blue Suede Shoes". What lead to such audio abuse, you wonder? Tommy's desire to do a musical. That's right, apparently The! (Self-Proclaimed) Greatest! Movie! Star! Ever! wants to kick up his (man) heels and sashay across the Broadway stage, joining his contract wife in proving that if you know the right people and possess a large enough bank account, nearly anyone can get on stage.

Tommy and his Cruise Camp must be desperate at this point because I cannot recall ever hearing him mention wanting to do Broadway previously. Oh, I'm sure he loves the musicals and I'd be willing to bet he's got his own sequins and boas at home for those "special occasions" but if it was 1996 again, does anyone think that he would be publicly expressing a desire to appear on stage?

No, didn't think so. Anyhow, I felt so traumatized by listening to the Official Scientology Poster Boy do a ridiculous Elvis impersonation - followed by a truly disturbing version of Tommy doing the Elvis-esque dance and gyrations - that I didn't bother listening to the rest of the interview. Not that I imagine I missed much.

Let's be real. Tommy is on auto-pilot. He has been given a script and he's executing it beautifully. No discussion on Scientology. No discussion on prescription drugs (most especially the ones that he must be taking in order to appear so calm and rational). Speak only of Valkyrie and professional goals.

Heck, in the bit I saw he didn't even discuss his amazing love with the magnificent Kate. Thank Xenu for small favors.
If you're feeling particularly self-destructive today and want to see Tommy in all his musical glory, go here:

December 12, 2008


Source: DListed

I am beginning to think that being a member of Joe Simpson's family and being a dumbass are genetically linked, absolutely no way to be avoided.
Let's start with Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. They had a little boy last month and as if Pete and Ashlee being his parents wasn't punishment enough, they inflicted the name of Bronx Mowgli Wentz on him. For the love of God, why? Bronx Wentz sounds like a medical journal or some type of viral strain and Mowgli? I cannot imagine how many drugs would be necessary to eat up your brain cells to make such a cruel decision.
So after the birth of the unfortunately named Bronx, the Wentzes have been quiet. Strategically quiet, as the case may have been. Seems that Joe Simpson, Ashlee's pervy papa, was shopping baby Bronx photos around to the highest bidder.

In the market that paid upwards of $10 million for the Jolie-Pitt twins, Papa Joe was coming up empty. That's right. No one is interested in the Wentz baby. At least not interested enough to throw the number of dollars at them I am sure Papa Joe is convinced they deserve.

So these two (three, if you include Papa Joe) come off looking greedy, desperate and foolish.

Moving on to Jessica Simpson. This girl has never offended me to the level that some people absolutely cannot stand her. I don't think she's close to being the sharpest tool in the shed but I don't believe she is nearly as dumb as she (and Papa Joe) would like everyone to think.

That being said, where the girl absolutely lacks any intelligence or common sense at all is in her personal relationships. Or perhaps I should say relationships because she seems utterly incapable of keeping them personal. Her marriage to Nick Lachey failed due in large part to the intrusion of MTV's Newlyweds on their lives - - a maneuver set up by Papa Joe. Who, as Jessica's manager and a producer of the show, impeded on Nick and Jessica's personal lives to a disturbing and perverted level.

Since her divorce, Jessica has literally been an open book on her life. Blabbing about dating the douchey John Mayer probably didn't bring about the end of that relationship but I'm sure it helped to speed things up. (Ultimately a blessing, I feel confident).

So now she's been dating Tony Romo for nearly a year. She has made no secret of her feelings for the Dallas quarterback and even appeared on People's cover, to proclaim herself in love and "finally" with the right person. Yep, no pressure there! And this was after Romo supposedly broke off their relationship (temporarily) due to the constant presence of Papa Joe in Jessica's personal life and in their relationship. That was bad enough but apparently Jess managed to squeeze through without a scrape, despite telling the staff writer at People that she wanted to marry again (hint hint) and she wanted children (hint hint).

Now she's allegedly telling friends (who tell their friends, who tell their friends who eventually speak to the media) that she's hoping to get an engagement ring for Christmas. It's possible this is baseless gossip but knowing what we know about Jess, I'm betting this is true. She's made no secret of the fact that she's in love with Tony Romo, that she wants to marry Tony Romo and she wants to have kids. Her younger sister got married this year and just had a baby last month. So, again, I'm thinking that if these exact words didn't come out of Jess's mouth, something very similar to them did.

If you're Tony Romo, what do you do? He's supposedly bought a house in Texas and invited a roommate to live with him. Not exactly the actions of someone who might be ready to settle down. The Dallas fans hate Jessica and make no secret of this. Her father doesn't appear likely to step out of Jessica's professional and personal business and fade quietly into the background. I'm not saying that Tony doesn't love Jess but she does come with an awful lot of baggage. And you know that if they do get engaged or married, it won't be long before she's shooting off her mouth to People or whoever else will put her on their cover, with details about the proposal, wedding plans and their honeymoon night.

I think Jessica would go much further if she would simply keep the details to herself - - or at least to a few trusted girlfriends. Going public will eventually backfire on her.

Lohan's Leggings Flying Off Shelves

Credit: Albert Michael/Startraks

I read about this on other sites and I have to admit that I'm puzzled by it.

The claim is that Lindsay Lohan's $100+ leggings are selling out and merchants can't keep them in stock. I am confused by many things here.

First, is anyone besides Lohan still wearing leggings outside of the gym and yoga class? Secondly, who on earth would pay $100+ for a pair of leggings? I can go pick some up at Target for around $10 and who would know the difference? Is anyone going to know that you are wearing Lindsay Lohan leggings versus Mossimo or whatever other brand Target is carrying nowadays? Do the Lohan leggings come with a nail file to bust out of jail, or your very own roach? Because other than attaching a so-so drug addled actress' name to them I don't see how they can be vastly different from Target.

Which leads me to another point. Lohan decided that because she loved leggings so much she would design her own. Exactly what goes into designing a pair of leggings? Other than the fabric color and/or design they are pretty much the same. Okay, maybe Lohan made the call on whether or not they should cut off high on the calf or down by the ankle. But is that "designing" leggings? I know if you're Sheree Whitfield from Real Housewives of Atlanta that would qualify as being a designer but let's get real (ha, no pun intended).

Lohan as a designer is about as genius as the guy who invented the pet rock, and probably requires her to put just as much effort into it. On second thought, the dude who invented the pet rock is far more entrepreneurial than Lohan - - he convinced millions of people to fork over money for a rock with glued-on eyes. Without her infamous surname there is no way Lohan would be getting $100+ per pair of leggings, much less selling out.

December 11, 2008

An Early Christmas Present!

Source: DListed
Boy, Tom Cruise is saturating the media this week, isn't he? It's not like he has a film coming out . . . oh wait.

This is literally too good to be true. The Mini Messiah was in Toronto, giving interviews for Valkyrie (I suppose he's hoping that someone in Canada will go see this potential bomb since we Americans don't give a rat's ass about Tommy's movies much anymore), and he lost his Blackberry! Ha!

Now remember, this is a man who claimed that he didn't have modern technology - - he didn't own a cellphone, watch or Blackberry - - despite the fact that he'd been photographed wearing or using all three.

So apparently Tommy realized the gadget was missing after he gave some sure to be boring ass interview, asked around and no one copped to having found or stolen the device. Score!

I hope and pray that some heartless, materialistic soul sells the information on that Blackberry to the National Enquirer. I know the Enquirer will print all the goodies on Tommy's phone, from copies of his contract with Katie to a remote-start switch that activates her.

If you have his Blackberry, contact me. I'd be willing to take my son's Christmas presents back to the store for cash to pay you for those contents.

Please, please, let it be so. Christmas would come early this year!

Which One of These is Not Like the Other?

Source: DListed

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association announced the nominations for the Golden Globes today and . . . well, you figure it out.


Let's see. Robert Downey, Jr. is an award winning actor. Ralph Fiennes is an award winning actor. Philip Seymour Hoffman is an award winning actor. Heath Ledger is an award winning actor. Tom Cruise is . . . well, Barbara Walters says he's real fascinating! Honestly. Downey Jr., Fiennes, Hoffman and Ledger are all well respected, serious thespians. Tommy is too busy fighting body thetans to be a serious thespian!

I want to know who Tommy paid in Hollywood because this shit has got to be a joke. Okay, I didn't see Tropic Thunder but I watched Tommy's little cameo online, like everyone else. I didn't think it was that funny. What's so funny about watching Jerry Maguire ten years later and a hundred pounds heavier?

If the old rule of thumb holds out, Tommy and Robert Downey Jr. will cancel each other out (for being nominated for the same film), so that will leave Hoffman, Fiennes and Ledger.

I'm going to put my money on Ledger, who turned in a brilliant performance as a brilliant, sociopathic, demented Joker. A win for him would be well deserved.


December 10, 2008

Tom and Katie Are Reliving 2005

Because Tiny Pants has a movie coming out and he is desperate to not only have it make money but to get back in the public's good graces, he and his robotic contract wife are pulling out all the stops. Evidently the next move in their current PR blitz is to rehash their neverending love story.

Both idiots appear on separate covers of the New York Times Style Magazine, each one interviewed separately but each one attempting to send me into sugar overload with the goopy retelling of how amazing their love is.

"When I met Tom I was completely in love and, yes, I admired him growing up – he's Tom Cruise! … When I met him, he was so warm and I thought, Wow! You can be a superstar and a human being. He made me feel so amazing."

So says Katie. How dumb is this girl anyway? "You can be a superstar and a human being"? Seriously? I don't believe for one moment that this was a legitimate thought that crossed Katie's mind. I actually don't believe a legitimate thought has crossed Katie's mind since she signed the contract, but I digress. Whatever Cruise Camp staff writer came up with this nonsense should be fired for thinking we are all tween girls who will giggle and squee, thinking that Tom Cruise is the bestest movie star ever because he's a human being!

And someone needs to tell Katie that it's time for a literacy upgrade because she's used up all her rations of "amazing".

"My life has expanded. My family and friends are all part of this bigger life. I have too much to do. I'm a mom and an actress with a play to do every night. I can't pay attention to all that noise."

By noise, Katie isn't referring to the various voices in her head. Oh no, she's talking about the media and the tabloids. You know, the Cruises' lifeblood. And for this chick to claim that her friends and family are part of this bigger life, well, that's pretty disingenuous. Can her family even see Katie without booking an appointment through Master Cruise? And has she retained one friend she had prior to her Cruise connection? Didn't think so. As far as a "bigger life", my guess is that she's referring to the great, big fat lie her life has become. I'm sure it's exhausting pretended to be married to a gay little elf, who insists on shoving you in the sauna and spiking your drinks with Niacin. Makes me tired just thinking about it.

"I knew I wanted to marry Kate when I met her. After our very first date, I was sure. At one point, I thought she was going to ask me to marry her first and I cut her off by changing the subject. I wanted to ask her."

So says the Captain of Crazy. He also claims that he bought her engagement ring after their first date. Wow, Katie must have been a quick signer.

Seriously though. Who on earth buys an engagement ring after a first date? Does Tommy think it makes him sound more romantic, or their love sound more genuine? Because I'm thinking "stalker" here, not "romantic".

And these pictures. WTH is going on? Are they trying to look serious? Like seriously creepy? Because there is absolutely no life in them. None at all.

Brad Pushing Benjamin Button

Source: Us magazine
Just so no one thinks that I am only busting Captain Tiny Pants' chops about hitting up and any available media circuits to sell his current movie, Brad Pitt is on the cover of Rolling Stone (great, now that song will go through my head all damn day), talking about his new release (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button) and sporting a particularly atrocious looking 'stache.

What I really want to comment on, however, has to do with his quotes about Angelina Jolie. BP was asked about the New York Times piece on AJ's "carefully orchestrated image". BP got all up in a dither, going to town about defending AJ and saying "It sounded to me like the story made Angie out to be manipulative in some way. She is savvy. I get defensive. [They're] talking about not only the woman I love, but one of the people on this planet who I have the greatest respect for. I think she's as honorable as anyone I've ever met.”

Uh-HUH. Now I think what AJ (and by extension, BP) does for charitable causes is great. I would think if O.J. Simpson did charitable work it would be great. He would still be a scum-sucking murderer but you should never knock true charity work. Anyhow, I digress.

Maybe I'm splitting hairs but any woman who began a relationship with a married man isn't exactly a woman I would considerable "honorable". I know all the Brangelunatics out there will stomp their feet, hold their breath and break out their book of excuses - - the marriage was over in all but name, nothing happened until after Brad and Jennifer were separated/divorced, Jennifer Aniston is the Antichrist. Whatever. Fact remains, he was a married man when he set foot on the Mr. and Mrs. Smith set. And no, I don't consider Angelina Jolie 100% responsible - - BP was the one who was married.

BP also gave out the following gems:

"Angie and I do not fight anymore. What occurred to me on this film, and also with the passing of her mother [actress Marcheline Bertrand in 2007], is that there's going to come a time when I'm not going to get to be with this person anymore. I'm not going to get to be with my children anymore. Or friends, people I love and respect. And so, if we have a flare-up, it evaporates now. I don't want to waste time being angry at someone I love."

"She's definitely more experienced (when it comes to flying). Yeah, she's badass.”

"Because you know ... six kids," he says. "Because I fell in love." (on why Mr. and Mrs. Smith is his favorite movie of hers).

Do I think BP is in love with her? Yes, I do. I think he's madly, passionately, crazy in love with her. Do I think she feels the same for him? Hmmm . . . Perhaps. For some reason, whenever I see them together, despite the fact that I do believe they are totally into each other, I get the gut feeling that she wanted a man, wanted more children and BP fit the bill perfectly. I don't think she's nearly as into him as he is into her. And I don't get the vibe they will stay together long term.

Rolling Stone hits the stands on Friday.

NBC Continues Its Inexplicable Cancellations

This time with My Own Worst Enemy.

I should have known better. I began watching The Black Donnellys and NBC heartlessly cancelled it. The following season, I began watching Journeyman and again, NBC heartlessly cancelled it. This season, I tuned in to MOWE mainly due to Christian Slater.

Christian Slater used to not only be in my Freebie Five, he was my Freebie Five. He was the living end, as far as I was concerned, and I would watch anything he was in (evidenced by my viewing of Mobsters, Kuffs and Very Bad Things).

Surely any television program Mr. Slater wished to become attached to would be worthy of airing. Or at least giving it a chance to get legs.

Not if you're an executive at NBC. Apparently those clowns wouldn't realize a hit show if it crawled up their ass and laid a golden egg.

MOWE's cancellation - - like Donnellys and Journeyman, before the holiday season and before given time to gain an appreciative audience - - is all the more grievous when compared to what Heroes has become this season (and, well, last season). Heroes was like the Holy Grail during its freshman year - - pure, untouched and novel. There were more central characters than you usually see on a primetime (not reality) show but the viewer knew they tied together in some fashion and could hardly wait for the resolution at the end of the season. Since that time, however, Heroes has been the television equivalent of Tom Cruise - - unpredictable, manic and batshit crazy. Characters brought in, characters dropped and forgotten. Longstanding characters having their backstories re-written this season after we saw for ourselves what happened during Season One. The constant changing of the future and the past - - so much so that I'm wondering what I was watching over two years ago because I don't remember any of the chum Heroes is throwing at me now. Sylar's a good guy? No, wait Sylar's a bad guy. No, he's a good guy and he's going by Gabriel and he's good while he's with Elle, despite the fact that her mission with The Company was to incite his serial killer side. No, he's bad again because Elle lied. Sylar is a Petrelli. No, no he's not. Arthur Petrelli's dead. Oh no, he's not. Niki's dead although we never got clear resolution of that but her lookalike Tracy has shown up and she's deadly dull. Mohinder used to be smart but after shtooping Maya he lost all his IQ points and now he's pretty but dumb. Hiro was trapped in 17th century Japan last season; this season, he's trapped in his 10 year old mind (although brownie points to whoever brought on the wonderful Breckin Meyer and Seth Green to play comic book store proprietors).

So NBC has stuck with Heroes, despite the ratings fall off, despite the gripes of viewers and frustrations. They have even stuck, surprisingly, with Chuck, it's 8 p.m. lead-in show - - a show that's goofy, silly and irrelevant.

So why cancel MOWE? The backstory is interesting - - Edward is a CIA operative who, for his protection, is given a dual persona, Henry, who is married, has children and lives a "boring" suburban life. When necessary (i.e., a hitman is needed), Edward is supposed to be activated while Henry "goes to sleep". However, there is a little glitch in Edward/Henry's mainframe and Edward tends to wake up on Henry's time and Henry tends to wake up on Edward's. Most definitely novel for primetime t.v. and Slater is doing a commendable job, most especially portraying Henry. We are used to seeing Slater doing his cocky Jack Nicholson-esque impersonations, which is the heart of Edward. Cocky, self-assured and mostly apathetic. Seeing Slater playing a frazzled, scared and utterly confused Henry is worth the show itself. Add in fellow operative Raymond, who is meek Tom when Raymond is asleep, played to perfection by Mike O'Malley, as well as Alfre Woodard as Edward's boss Mavis and you have a potential winner.

Shame on you, NBC.

December 1, 2008

Damn You, Tom Cruise


In case you have been living under a rock or hiding out with the likes of Jimmy Hoffa, Elvis and Jim Morrison (because the latter two have to be chilling somewhere other than the likes of a Midwestern Burger King), the King of Tiny has a new movie opening on Christmas Day, Valkyrie. Valkyrie is about Claus von Stauffenberg, a German officer who wanted to assassinate Hitler during World War II. Yes, I know. It sounds like cheery holiday fare, doesn't it?

Valkyrie has been plagued by ever-changing release dates. Initially the movie was to have opened this past August. Then it was shuffled to the no man's land of February 2009 (movies with little hope of recognition or money making abilities traditionally open in the usually dead January or February). Then it was moved once again to Christmas Day but (and here's the kicker) with no advance previews for critics.

Do you hear the sound of crickets? I sure do. For all the supposed chatter (which I expect originated from those voices in Tom Cruise's head) about Valkyrie being so well done, so amazing, so dramatic it has Oscar written all over it, it is highly, highly surprising (and more than just a little bit suspicious) that not one single respected critic has viewed the film. And no, Tom, your Scientology buddies don't count.

What does that mean to me? I think it means that TPTB don't have much faith in Valkyrie. They are scared. Scared that any advance crucifyings by the critics will destroy Valkyrie. After all, Valkyrie is facing some tough competition at the box office come December 25. Brad Pitt's The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson's Marley and Me; Adam Sandler's Bedtime Stories; Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet's Revolutionary Road and Will Smith's Seven Pounds all open at or around the same time. Some curiosity seekers may fork over a ten spot to watch Tommy prance about in Nazi getup, but if the critics roast the flick prior to Christmas, would Valkyrie really be the choice?

That being said, were it not for the fact that Scientology's biggest spokeshole were helming this ship, I would be interested in seeing Valkyrie. The story itself sounds interesting. Yes, we all know that von Stauffenberg's plan failed but we also knew the Titanic would sink and look at how many tickets were sold to see that happen. I don't think knowing the outcome is going to hurt Valkyrie's chances at the box office. I think the Tom Cruise connection will.

Can we take Tom Cruise seriously as Claus von Stauffenberg? He is the only actor to not portray his character with a German accent. von Stauffenberg was German, he did speak with a German accent so why the laziness, Tom? Did Tom go back to his Born on the Fourth of July/Magnolia days and find some acting chops when portraying von Stauffenberg or did he simply rely on his smile and throw 'em some action maneuvers? Because no matter how much Tom or director Bryan Singer or anyone else at UA wants us to believe that Valkyrie is an action film, it simply isn't. Valkyrie should be an in-depth study of the horrors of war and how one man tried to eradicate the evil that was consuming his country - - not Tom Cruise putting on an eye patch and trying to convince us that is his way of really stretching as an actor and going outside the box.

I feel for Valkyrie. Bryan Singer is a talented director. The supporting cast is stellar. Claus von Stauffenberg deserves an honorable film. But I don't know that Tom Cruise is the one to deliver it - - and he may well be the one to sink it.