December 10, 2008

Tom and Katie Are Reliving 2005

Because Tiny Pants has a movie coming out and he is desperate to not only have it make money but to get back in the public's good graces, he and his robotic contract wife are pulling out all the stops. Evidently the next move in their current PR blitz is to rehash their neverending love story.

Both idiots appear on separate covers of the New York Times Style Magazine, each one interviewed separately but each one attempting to send me into sugar overload with the goopy retelling of how amazing their love is.

"When I met Tom I was completely in love and, yes, I admired him growing up – he's Tom Cruise! … When I met him, he was so warm and I thought, Wow! You can be a superstar and a human being. He made me feel so amazing."

So says Katie. How dumb is this girl anyway? "You can be a superstar and a human being"? Seriously? I don't believe for one moment that this was a legitimate thought that crossed Katie's mind. I actually don't believe a legitimate thought has crossed Katie's mind since she signed the contract, but I digress. Whatever Cruise Camp staff writer came up with this nonsense should be fired for thinking we are all tween girls who will giggle and squee, thinking that Tom Cruise is the bestest movie star ever because he's a human being!

And someone needs to tell Katie that it's time for a literacy upgrade because she's used up all her rations of "amazing".

"My life has expanded. My family and friends are all part of this bigger life. I have too much to do. I'm a mom and an actress with a play to do every night. I can't pay attention to all that noise."

By noise, Katie isn't referring to the various voices in her head. Oh no, she's talking about the media and the tabloids. You know, the Cruises' lifeblood. And for this chick to claim that her friends and family are part of this bigger life, well, that's pretty disingenuous. Can her family even see Katie without booking an appointment through Master Cruise? And has she retained one friend she had prior to her Cruise connection? Didn't think so. As far as a "bigger life", my guess is that she's referring to the great, big fat lie her life has become. I'm sure it's exhausting pretended to be married to a gay little elf, who insists on shoving you in the sauna and spiking your drinks with Niacin. Makes me tired just thinking about it.

"I knew I wanted to marry Kate when I met her. After our very first date, I was sure. At one point, I thought she was going to ask me to marry her first and I cut her off by changing the subject. I wanted to ask her."

So says the Captain of Crazy. He also claims that he bought her engagement ring after their first date. Wow, Katie must have been a quick signer.

Seriously though. Who on earth buys an engagement ring after a first date? Does Tommy think it makes him sound more romantic, or their love sound more genuine? Because I'm thinking "stalker" here, not "romantic".

And these pictures. WTH is going on? Are they trying to look serious? Like seriously creepy? Because there is absolutely no life in them. None at all.

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