January 20, 2009

American Idol Does Kansas City

Okay, so I have to start first by apologizing that I missed the first 15 minutes or so of Night Two of Auditions from Hell because my TiVo decided to make a stand and refuse to tape Idol. I guess it didn't like what happened on Tuesday night. Anyhow.

We are in the hometown of Cookie! If you can find one redeemable thing about Kansas City, it is most definitely that this city spawned Cookie. And yes, The Wizard of Oz too. But most importantly, Cookie. I missed the first or second or maybe even third contestants. I don't think it matters though because we all know what happens to the first person. If you're uncertain, see my post from Phoenix.

The first contestant I see also gets a Golden Ticket. She's some chick who decides to sing a song that Simon allegedly helped to pen. Simon actually worked prior to American Idol? Wow, I just thought he was a snarky bitch his whole life. Anyway, it's called Footprints in the Sand and contestant chick makes the honest mistake of singing Footsteps in the Sand. Simon, naturally, must interrupt her singing - - which is quite good - - and bring this to her attention. Surprisingly, Paula doesn't make a rude comment about this. Or take a swig of whatever is in her Coke glass. Contestant chick begins singing, this time with the correct word, and aptly blows the judges away.

Cookie commercial! Cookie commercial!! This is the sole reason to watch these auditions, frankly - - unless you enjoy seeing people with minimal talent being embarrassed to the maximum extent. Once the regular season starts, of course, the reason to watch the show is to see what loopy shit comes out of Paula's mouth.

So we're back to auditions and for some reason, the next person shown actually gets a Golden Ticket. Whoa, Idol is shaking things up this year! They are not following standard audition show procedure. Even stranger: this girl's occupation is listed as a "bubble tea maker". What the hell is that? Girl is okay, nothing to get super excited over, so I'm guessing she is merely filler that will be attacked and destroyed once we get to Hollywood. Now Idol is back to formula. Brian something. Dressed all in black and a bit on the heavy-ish side, wearing an outfit that is completely inappropriate in every way. As soon as he says he is going to sing something by "Aretha", I know he's sunk. The judges know it too. He even offers up Josh Groban, after stating that he's been told he sounds like JG. To be polite, it's horrendous. All types of loud yelling and yelling that's not even in pitch. Poor Brian gives Simon his first knifing of the night - - telling him that not only is he a terrible singer, and to please never, ever sing again, but he's an awful dresser as well. Oh well, Simon isn't paid for his charm. Brian leaves in a huff, telling the cameraman not to follow him - - which of course the cameraguy does. So then we are treated to a nice little video montage of a variety of people who get the ax and react in all different sorts of ways. Crying, hugging family members who probably feel guilty as hell because they knew Fred couldn't sing for shit but didn't want to destroy Fred's dreams, and some random girl who is screaming and crying and throwing herself on the floor like she's been told that Ryan Seacrest is her long lost baby. Good Lord, woman, get a grip. Now if she did indeed find out Seacrest was a relative, that screaming would be understood. And for the record, she couldn't even scream in tune so I can just imagine what her singing was like. Cookie's parents! Awesome! Seacrest stops them on the street and asks them what they think about the auditions. Seriously? Can they please, please, please say "we don't give a shit and why should we? Our son won last year, you ass!" But no, they say something nice. Then Seacrest asks whether or not the next winner will be as good as Cookie or almost as good. What a stupid question, Ryan! NOBODY will reach the levels of awesome awesomeness that Cookie reached. NOBODY.

Okay, a whole bunch of random awfulness with auditions. Ugh. I think all these people either need to up their meds or return to the safety of their padded rooms. At the very least they need to get their ears checked because they cannot possibly be hearing what I am hearing and thinking they can seriously try out for American Idol.

Next possible contender is a dude who will be singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow. This could be interesting. Jason Castro did it and I thought it was great last season, so let's see. Ummm . . . he is very loud. Very, very LOUD. If you're at all familiar with Scientology, you may think he is trying to revive someone from death. However, once I coax my cat out from under my bed where he has run for his life and unplug my ears, remarkably, the guy can actually carry a tune. He just needs to dial it down a notch. Or twenty. Simon looks like maybe he wants to slice and dice the guy and shockingly gives him a "yes". That Simon! So hard to read. Hopefully all the judges gave him some good "less is more" advice before he heads to Hollywood. Hey, at least the guy wouldn't need any microphones or sound systems to sing at the Hollywood Bowl.

Jason Castro! Jason Castro in the house! With his brother, Michael, who has short hair with a pink stripe in it. Hmmm . . . God love Jason but Michael seems about as on top of things as Jason did. Guess the doobie doesn't fall far from the tree in this family. So Seacrest attempts to interview him in the most lame of fashions, and then Michael and Jason argue about who is the most manly in the family. Uh-huh. During his audition, Michael informs the judges that he just started singing like 3 weeks ago. This sounds so Castro-ish. I'm telling you . . . not falling far from the tree and all. So Michael starts singing and he's surprisingly good. Especially for someone who just started singing. Simon thinks it's "good-ish" (a blazingly hot compliment from Simon when given to a Castro) and wonders if Michael takes this Idol nonsense as seriously as Jason did (meaning not at all). Kara - - for once saying more than "I like you!" - - tells Michael she likes this "I have a secret" vibe Michael gives off. Michael's reply? "Maybe I do. Maybe I don't even know I have a secret!" That sounds so much like Jason that Michael will immediately become one of my faves.

So then we're subjected to some strange guy who has a fascination with dressing in yellow and orange and singing about a banana and holding said banana. What the . . . . Big welder guy who is a devoted dad. Okay, he doesn't even need to sing. He's going to get a Ticket. He sings anyway - - "Ain't No Sunshine", which is a perfectly perfect choice for his voice. Randy says no. No??? What the fuck, Randy Jackson? I suppose if Welder Guy had shown up in a bikini, you would have said yes? Kara likes him, naturally and Paula agrees . . . leaving Welder Guy sweating over Simon's vote. As we all know, Simon could go either way. Astonishingly, Simon agrees with Paula and Kara and Welder Guy gets through. Screw you, Randy.

Some Jazz girl who goes by the name Jazz who can't sing. At all. More Kansas City people. More people fascinated with The Wizard of Oz. Filler, filler. Damn it, Idol, hurry up before my allergy pill kicks in again and I miss something like the blind guy from Phoenix. Which, by the way, I did catch and he is all sorts of awesome. Graduating from college at 19? Dancing? Playing piano? Notice though that Ryan Seacrest is such a douche that he attempts to high five a blind guy. Ryan, how the fuck do you think a blind man is going to know you are high five-ing him?? The levels of this man's stupidity literally know no bounds.

Next girl takes care of her 90-something year old grandma and chihuahua. Love her grandma, who points out the meds she's taking are her "crazy pills". How can you not love that? This girl is going to sing Janis Joplin. Whoa. That's a big order. Am immediately reminded of the chick from last season - - the nurse with the streak in her hair. What was her name? I can't remember and I'm too lazy to look it up but I imagine if this girl sounds anything like her, she will get a pass but then hit the wall fairly quickly. The girl actually sounds pretty darn good. She gets a deserved Ticket.

The Wonder Twins are next. Although they aren't twins and look nothing like them, they are rapping sisters. Really? Does anyone rap anymore? So they sing some song about cookies to Randy and all the judges love them for their personalities if not for their questionable rapping talent. Each sister sings individually and, as expected, only one gets the Ticket, although she is honestly not that good. I suppose there are slim pickings in Kansas City. However, the non-Ticket receiving sister has the grace of a saint and is delighted (at least publicly) that her sister made it.

Some dude sings "California Dreamin'" and gets a pass. Then his friend Danny is going to audition. And he almost didn't audition because the grief was so bad. We've actually been hearing about this on commercial breaks, with snippets about grief and how the doctor told him there was nothing else that could be done. I suppose Danny is tonight's Bikini Girl but with less cleavage and vapidness. Turns out that Danny wasn't dying, as the Idol producers hoped we'd think, but his wife died only a month before. Sadness. I am honestly stunned that the dying wife wasn't brought up in the audition room - - I guess that's an event even normally snarky Simon can't harp too much on. So he sings "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" and he's great. He gets his Ticket, runs outside to share with his friend, brag to Ryan (because wouldn't you?) and then dedicate that Ticket to his beloved wife. Sniff.

Now we have some guy who says he can be called Noop Dawg. Really. He's from North Carolina and as Simon points out, he looks like he just came out of a meeting with Bill Gates. No, there isn't money shooting out of his ass, but he's wearing a nice little plaid shirt with chino-type shorts. He is going to sing us some Boyz II Men song I don't know but he sounds pretty good - - and nothing like his appearance. The judges are in consensus because they all seem stunned and blown away. Oh yes - - and "Noop Dawg" apparently wrote a thesis in college about BBQ. Look it up.

More sucky, freaky people. Man, there is no shortage of them in Kansas City. Even cheerleaders, who accompany some redheaded guy and cheer for him before he comes in. Interesting. But not successful enough to get a Ticket. Should've worn a bikini, guy. Another guy singing Michael Jackson, but he can actually do it and thus gets a Golden Ticket. And this is where my recap must end because, damn you, American Idol, 2 hours is simply too long to compete with allergy meds. I do think it was mentioned that 25 Golden Tickets were given out which is surprising given how many truly frightening people I saw. To be continued . . .

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