American Idol is back. We are "treated" to a montage of previous seasons. Whoever put together this little intro is either Simon Cowell himself or someone who is desperately in love with Simon. Did they show Randy once? Didn't think so. Okay, we get that Clay Aiken won American Idol. I really don't need to see him more than once. Hey, there's Sanjaya! There's the girl who inexplicably bawled like a baby when Sanjaya appeared. I guess we know she wasn't hearing impaired, at least. Daughtry! That bitch Carrie Underwood. Jordin Sparks. Okay, so where is Phil Stacey? The discrimination continues. Where is Hot Michael from last season? Where is Jason Castro? WHERE IS COOKIE?? Okay, whew. There he is. Wow. Ryan Seacrest used to have some seriously jacked up (and frostily tipped) hair.
So American Idol is in Phoenix and it's hot. Not just hot but steaming, smoking blazing hot. 106 degrees, ya'll! See scenes of snakes, prairies, lizards, dirt and rocks. See large groups of Idol hopefuls, dying in the sun, while the judges pull up in their air conditioned limos complaining about the heat. Note to Simon: Please don't complain about your job, sweetheart. I heard you are getting somewhere in the neighborhood of $40-$50 million per SEASON. I would be willing to sweat my ass of in an air conditioned limo in Phoenix for that kind of cash. What am I saying? I'd be willing to sweat my ass off inside a sauna with a niacin smoothie personally handed to me by Tom Cruise for that kind of bank.
In case you've been in a coma since last season, or are hiding from your creditors, Idol has a new judge. Her name is Kara Disomething or the other and I wonder how long before she and Paula come to blows. Because it just has to happen.
Soooo . . . anyone who is even remotely familiar with American Idol knows that the very first contestant shown will get nowhere near a Golden Ticket. Poor boy has Gene Wilder doing Willy Wonka flyaway hair times ten. Easily. He knows he can cut that, right? So he apparently idolizes Michael Jackson and I think Britney Spears? Weird, weird combo. You know he's a goner. He's going to not only sing "The Way You Make Me Feel" but he's also going to do some tap routine in the middle. He's predictably bad, but an entertaining kind of bad not a godawful bad. And entertaining for us, because we can laugh and know we're not being exposed on television for millions to see. All 4 judges give him a big fat "NO", to which he looks crushed and confused. Really? Do none of these people try out for their friends? Are all of them being lied to? Big Hair taps off into the Phoenix (not quite) sunset, with TPTB inexplicably playing Wham's "Careless Whisper". I think if we figure out why we will also figure out what the hell is in Paula's Coke cup.
So the show pretty much follows formula and routine. Open with a bad audition, go to good audition, follow up with a bad one or two and then get a good one. We get the contractually required rocker chick, who is covered in tattoos, piercings, and multi-hued hair who claims that she got all these atrocities so she would not be forced to sit in an office and work. No problem there, chick. Oh, and nice cupcake tattoo on your neck. I shit you not, fellow gossipers. Contractually required rocker chick actually can sing pretty damn good and gets a Golden Ticket. She also has to inform the members of her band that she's ditching them and their lame ass European tour so she can be the next American! Idol! Simon basically calls her a selfish bitch for doing that but he can totally relate to being a selfish bitch so they should get along just fine.
So a faux rocker dude follows but you know he's going to get the boot because even Seacrest calls him a "delicate flower". Gag. However, it's all true. Rocker dude cries at the drop of a freakin' hat. He's crying during the waiting. He's crying as he practices. He cries when all 4 judges tell him he's a joke of a rocker and to get the fuck out of their audition room and quit wasting their time.
Then of course we have the high school student with a great voice who is trying out on Idol to help out his family or some such other shit that is supposed to make you feel bad for this kid and his family, desperate for him to get that Golden Ticket and bad because we're not 16 years old and supporting our entire family. Have no fear, he gets the Golden Ticket and his father starts crying, I'm sure, because he can see a David Archuleta like future ahead of his son. We also are subjected to a teen who is not only batshit crazy for thinking that he could possibly make the cut, but it so nervous he very nearly passes out and/or pukes on the judges. His voice is also all kinds of weird high pitched nonsense - - like someone trying to imitate a breathy Britney Spears while inhaling helium. I'm thinking that may not be a huge crowd pleaser. It certainly doesn't please the judges, who cut him. Crazy boy returns to the hallway, where he is administered a cold towel and a banana.
Then there are a whole bunch of really bad auditions before we get to a 16 year old who is attempting to out Mother Teresa Mother Teresa herself. This chick started a program for other teens to go and sing and socialize with the elderly and surprise, surprise, she has a great voice. She's also super bubbly and cute without being annoyingly so. Then we're told that's the end of day one, 9 Golden Tickets have been bestowed upon the grateful public, with quick shots of who got them. This is one part of the auditions that seriously bugs me. Who are some of these people? Couldn't they cut away from Big Hair Guy or Barf Boy long enough to let us at least listen to a bit of the ones who passed? Or how about less commercials? I know, novel concept.
So we're on Day Two and are greeted with the usual judges' grouchings and grumblings about how they hope Day Two is better and how difficult their jobs are (I'm looking at you, Simon). Yeah, thank God I don't have to sit in an air conditioned room for 2 days at a time in what? 6 cities, deciding which singers are most talented. Oh, and making millions of dollars for doing it. I just don't think I could handle the pressure. Thank God I went to school to sit in an office day after day, all year, in the same city, making nowhere near ONE million dollars and worrying about my financial future. This kind of stress and pressure I can handle.
So we get Very Deep Voice Guy who Paula informs should be doing voiceovers. As a monster. Thanks for playing, Paula. I'm sure he appreciates that. His voice really is scary though.
It turns out that Kara has a stalker. Welcome to the Idol family! Kara's stalker is a 16 year old girl who giggles and laughs continually and has a serious addiction with wearing ugly pink cowboy hats. She has written over 100 songs, which she is personally going to share with Kara. And does. Unfortunately she cannot sing, which Simon, in his naturally charming and tactful manner, is quick to point out. The other judges vote her off the island, but this chick appears to be happy just to have been that close to her idol, Kara.
The first Golden Ticket of Day Two goes to a girl with the name Stevie (after Stevie Nicks). She actually has a really good, soulful voice - - she does "At Last" without completing jacking it up. Surprise, surprise. We get a redneck guy next who works on oil rigs or some other such thing and he actually can sing. Wow. Simon is naturally surprised. He gets a Golden Ticket.
So by now I'm fighting to stay awake because this is pretty by the book. Since the show started, they have been teasing us with Bikini Girl, who appears to get into a verbal smackdown with Kara. They need to hurry up and bring this bitch on before I nod off. So she finally shows up and she's pretty much as vapid and vacant as you can imagine. She's also obviously demented as she claims that she and Ryan are going to have a baby together and once she gets her Golden Ticket, she's going to make out with Ryan. Correct me if you don't believe that Ryan is changing his name and fleeing the country. Simon, quite naturally, is all about her. So is Randy. She's not a terrible singer but she's certainly no better than a few people they turned away. Simon and Randy, of course, give her a "yes". Kara tries to issue some constructive criticism which Bikini Girl is having none of. She has probably never had a constructive thought in her life. When Kara tries to sing out an example, Bikini Girl has the nerve to suggest that she sang it better than Kara. Kara tells Bikini Bitch not to mess with her and Paula jumps up and immediately takes Kara's side. Both Paula and Kara give her a "no" but the guys have it.
So the next commercial break shows a blind guy who's going to audition and I really want to see that but my allergy pill has kicked in and off to Dreamland I go (Bikini Bitch and Simon-free, I must say).