February 4, 2009

The First Family of Fakery is in Brazil

Tom is really trying hard to stay relevant, isn't he? When is the last time you heard about him attending a movie premiere in Brazil?

Crickets chirping

Exactly! So with no new projects planned for 2009 so far, and with the so-called pregnancy speculation he drummed up by placing his hand on his alien bride's stomach over as quick as it started, Tom is desperate to stay in the headlines.

He's packed up the First Family of Fake and they are currently terrorizing Brazil. Tom, of course, is in his element. Soaking up attention, courting the press and going out of his way to be friendly, polite and accessible. Absolutely no talk of Xenu, apparently.

But Tom isn't really the story here. Let's dish on the alien bride.

What the fuck has happened to Katie? It looks like in addition to 20 or so pounds she lost, her breasts have also hit the highway. Is it just me or is she the most androgynous looking contract bride/beard on the planet? Lack of makeup is bad. Chopping off hair is bad. Head scarves are bad. Grandma-style bathing suits are atrocious.

And this girl dares to call herself - - or allow Tom's people to call her - - a fashion icon? Bitch, please. Barbie has better fashion sense than you do and even Barbie knows you need bust support, whether you have perky ones or ones that tickle the old belly button (yes, that was aimed toward you, Katie).

As far as all this pregnancy speculation goes, I'd be willing to bet the farm the only thing she's expecting is a big, fat paycheck for the horrendous acting job she's given the last (almost) four years. Okay, so she may have a bit of a tummy. Girl has horrendous posture. Always has. And heck, maybe she actually ate the day the picture was taken.

But let's talk serious for a minute. Katie is allegedly due to start filming a movie in New York next month. She's also allegedly in talks to appear in the stage version of Finding Neverland. This is the hottest Katie's professional career has been since she took up with Tom. Is she really going to ice it down by selling another of her eggs and renting the space in her womb? My guess is no. She cannot afford to. Her career is already perilously close to Celebrity Rehab levels. She would be lucky to get a Lifetime movie, where stellar acting skills aren't a requirement, just an unexpected bonus.

Frankly, Tom can't afford for Katie to take time off right now either. He has no projects in the pipeline and once Valkyrie goes to Movie Purgatory, he really will have no legitimate excuse for photo ops. Yeah, sure, he can drag Suri out for some imaginary play date or dance class or whatever other bullshit his people tell People magazine, but the facts are clear that Suri does not like the publicity. How long before she suffers a huge public meltdown?

So Tom needs for Katie to work, so he has an excuse to keep his name out there, while he visits her on set and visits her on Broadway. (Carrying the little Scientology pamphlets, I'm sure).
Images Source: Just Jared

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