April 22, 2009

American Idol Gets Down with Disco Night

It's disco night at American Idol and if you don't know what that means, Seacrest will inform you - - it means that not only will the song choices suck, the Idolizers flounder about like Katie Holmes in a Shakespeare production, but that the stakes are doubled!

In case you have short term memory or missed last week's show, we are helpfully shown again Matt's voting off and then being given a judges' save. Seacrest comes down the intergalactic staircase and the judges are already at their assigned places of righteousness.

Seacrest says that the good news was that Matt lived to survive another week on Idol, the bad news is that two people will be going home this week, which illicits a round of fake boos from the audience. He then intros the judges as our "guides" for this evening. Guides for what? Disco hell? Tone deaf brilliance? The wonders of vodka and vicodin? I really have no idea.

Randy is cardigan-less, putting me on edge and making me think something is off tonight. He is wearing what appears to be one of Simon's cast-off Hanes t-shirts that has been spray painted. That Randy, always a fashion icon. He pulls a Gokey and looks skyward during his intro and then "whoo"s himself. Nothing like fanwanking yourself! Kara is wearing something like 1,000 bracelets and does the multiple fake kissing thing. Paula is decked out in a brown and pink sheer flowery top thing and she's sparkly from the jewelry on her fingers, wrists and cuffs, as well as from vodka. Mr. Sassy Pants looks as though he forgot to put a proper shirt on, with only his usual white Hanes. Seacrest helpfully declares him dressed for the occasion. I'm sure Seacrest would love him undressed for any occasion.

So Seacrest says that this group of Idols has an unprecedented amount of pressure. Why exactly? Why is their pressure any different than last year's group? I mean, I understand that Adam Fucking Lambert has to guide us all to the Happy Place every week and Breakfast Club must wear 20 layers of clothing every week and Gokey must attempt to out-douche himself every week, but otherwise, what gives? The Top 7 come out on the stage and holy shit on a stick, Adam Fucking Lambert is in a suit!! Anoop is wearing a pink sweater! Gokey is in full on douche mode! Seacrest sends them off the stage, with Adam (naturally) leading the way but Gokey is so busy fawning over Seacrest that he just stands there. Dick! Seacrest then tells Anoop he likes his look - - run, Anoop, run!

Because Disco Week normally sucks and there is no rational reason for having it, there is no mentor this week. Good news/bad news, we don't know yet. LRR is the first contestant up and there is no video, no chitchat on the Stools of Enlightment, just right into her performance.

She is singing "I'm Every Woman" by Chaka Khan, a total diva anthem that is many levels of awesomeness on its own. LRR is wearing a black jumpsuit, a catwoman suit, really, and all I have to say about that is it surely should qualify her ass for its own zip code. Her performance is energetic but something is missing - - oh yeah, serious vocal ability. If LRR was going to bring it this week, she left it backstage. She does hit the glory note at the end, as usual. The audience goes into a wild overreaction. Randy thought LRR sounded wild and he "just didn't know". No kidding. He didn't think she showed any vocal control or what kind of artist she is exactly. My guess is that she is the kind of artist that is going to sing what she damn well wants and not what the judges think she should. Problem solved. Kara believes that everyone was waiting for LRR to sing Chaka Khan and singers like her, but it just wasn't worth the wait. Kara also thinks that LRR has been every woman on that stage, but herself. That may be the smartest thing Kara has uttered all season. Paula, of course, has to defend LRR and Paula is nothing if not predictable. She says that she was with LRR the day before and LRR had no voice - - ummm, like every other performance day? - - and she wants to applaud LRR's strong recovery. Heck, Paula wants to applaud the man who turned water into wine. However, she doesn't believe that LRR tapped into her inner goddess. Sassy Pants thinks LRR looks sad - - I think she's sporting major, major bitchface. So LRR takes this opportunity to interject and hijack the entire commentary with her usual blah, blah, blah litany of excuses - - she wants everyone to know that she was having fun up there, whatever, whatever, whatever. Randy, this is what kind of artist LRR is. The kind that makes excuses and interrupts Simon. So Simon tells her that he's glad she had fun because he thinks this is the last week we will ever see her. We can hope. He thinks her performance lacked originality, the arrangement was a mess. Seacrest comes out and he just has to ask her if she has a response to that, like she hasn't talked enough. If they run over the time because they just have to give LRR an opportunity to open her piehole yet again, I'm going to freak. LRR says she totally disagrees with the entire panel and she didn't think she was karaoke at all.

Tender Dawg Kris is up next and he gets to sit on the Stools of Enlightment with Seacrest. He says that he's going to be singing Donna Summer's "She Works Hard for the Money". WTF? Seriously? Oh dear God, no! Adam Lambert, help him! I'm worried sick for little Kris. Seacrest asks Kris why on earth he would choose such a song - - other than the serious disco blood that runs through him, I guess. Kris says that he chose it because it's a song about a woman. Awwwww. So he takes to the stage and I'm already prepared to dial my fingers off to save little Kris because this has got to be a musical suicide. And . . . he.is.BAD.ASS. No joke. I'm still stunned. The arrangement is totally hot, almost with a Spanish feel to it. There really is no description, you simply have to hear it to understand it. Kris accompanies himself on the guitar and it sounds current and modern and nothing like disco or Donna Summer (in a good way). I am feeling major shades of Cookie - - without the eyefucking but some of Kris' vocals are speaking to my lady parts. The audience goes crazy, as apparently they have all been spoken to by Kris' magic as well. Kara starts the judging by telling Tender Dawg that he took a real risk but it paid off BIG TIME. Paula says she thought the song had a classy Santana feel to it. Holy shit, Paula made a relevant, insightful comment. I told you something was up tonight. Then Paula has to fuck it up by making a totally alcohol-fueled statement about how some women shop in the men's department but very few men would shop in the women's department. The look on Simon's face is priceless. He claims to need a translator to understand what the hell Paula is talking about. You're not the only one, Sassy Pants. Paula wraps things up by declaring Kris a contender on the show. In ladies' clothing, no doubt. Simon questions whether or not Paula was declaring Kris to be wearing ladies' underwear and Paula tries to make Simon out to be the incoherent one but fails miserably. He then tells Kris that Kris' performance was the polar opposite of LRR's - - it was original, well thought out, certainly not karaoke and he thought it was a fantastic performance. Amen, brother! Last and least, Randy says Kris is what the show is all about, finding the best undiscovered talent, that the final 7 are all kinds of awesome and can REALLY! SING! and Kris is ready for the big time, Dawg, he knows who he is and he's amazing!

Gokey is up next and he will be singing "September" by Earth, Wind and Fire, wearing a douchey black button down shirt with matching black eyewear, of course. What would Gokey performances be without Eyewear Watch? So I'm watching Gokey's performance and it starts off with an uncomfortable "whoop!" and it's basically the same old same old. Couldn't this be interchanged with last week's performance? I mean, all of Gokey's performances pretty much sound the same. Drunk Paula is on her feet dancing, while Gokey is throwing out his best awkward white boy dance moves. Obviously the judges have been drinking the Gokey Kool Aid because they all love him. Hi there, Vince Neil! Love me some Motley Crue - - who I saw last summer, by the way, and they were fucking awesome. I wonder what Mr. Vince Neil thinks about some of these Idolizers. Randy begins judging and says "check it out, dawg, I was kinda worried when I heard your song choice" (funny, I'm kind of worried every time I heard Gokey is going to perform) but he thinks Gokey turned it into something that really worked for him. In other words, he totally Gokeyfied the song and Gokey-d out. Kara was worried that Gokey + Disco = Simon wearing a plaid shirt. In other words, hell on earth. I'm waiting for Simon to bust out that plaid shirt because I wasn't impressed. Kara thinks Gokey is an incredible vocalist. I think the judges are incredibly tone deaf. She also thinks that Gokey doesn't get enough credit for his pitch. Bitch, please. Gokey gets credit for having a dead wife. Paula thinks Gokey always takes it one step higher and she is in awe of his agility and brilliance. She also thinks, as a woman, he has one of the sexiest voices ever. I think right now Paula would believe that Sponge Bob and Barney have incredibly sexy voices. Case closed on rehab for Paula. And women of all ages will NOT agree, Paula. Gokey smirks and looks smug and for the record Gokey + sexiness = do not compute. Honestly, Gokey looks like he should be cackling and rubbing his hands together while saying "My evil plan for world domination is succeeding!" Simon claims he can't fault the vocals, he thought the intro was "interesting" but he felt Gokey's performance blew. He felt no star power and he thought Gokey came off awkward and clumsy. Enter Seacrest who states the competition is heating up! Gokey makes a heart out of his two hands while Seacrest gives out Gokey's number and I want to hurl from the Hallmark moment that Gokey is becoming.

Breakfast Club is up next and she appears to be wearing 20 pounds of leather and rhinestones. She will be singing "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer and she begins her performance seated on the intergalactic staircase. Did she fall down? Because I really wanted Seacrest to fall on those things. I actually love the intro - - it's soft, it's slow and Breakfast Club's voice actually works really, really well with this. It must be Randy's cardiganless at work! However, once the beat picks up, I lose interest. Breakfast Club yells "gotta have some hot stuff, I need hot stuff" like she's going to kick my ass if she doesn't get some hot stuff. Well, if she doesn't fall and break an ankle first in those stiletto heels. Hey, where is the Monchichi hair? Randy begins judging (is it just Randy and Kara beginning these things today?) and he didn't love the arrangement and found it a bit overindulgent (™ Simon) but considers Breakfast Club one of the best singers in the competition. Breakfast Club pulls a "who, me?" look. Randy continues by complimenting again the entire group, tells Breakfast Club she can REALLY! SING! and don't forget she's ONLY! SIXTEEN! Kara agrees with Randy on the arrangement but thinks B.C. picked the right song because Donna Summer won a Grammy for it. How this equates into Breakfast Club making the right choice sails right over my head. She rates the verbal performance a 9 or 10. Paula says that "compromise" is not a word that belongs in B.C.'s musical vocabulary. And "comprehension" does not belong in Paula's. She didn't mind the arrangement because Breakfast Club is "authentic" (™ Paula) and she hit the last note off the charts. Simon says whether the song and arrangement is slow or fast is irrelevant, he found it a brilliant performance.

Adam Fucking Lambert is next and this is the moment everyone, and I mean everyone, has been waiting for. Adam at home, doing disco! The camera zeroes in on a poster of Adam donned out in a John Travolta-ish Saturday Night Fever white disco suit. If only. Sitting on the Stools of Enlightment, Adam says he will be singing "If I Can't Have You" from the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack. He chose this song because he wanted something he could connect to emotionally. So Adam Fucking Lambert is standing on stage, front and center, all alone, in his little hot suit and the arrangement has been slowed waaaaaaaaay down . . . but it sounds strangely good. Adam is showing us "this is the path to take - - not Gokey's douchey, indulgent, wet noodle performance!" There is a shot of Paula in near tears over the brilliance that is Adam Fucking Lambert - - like the sun, you can't stare directly at him or you will be blinded by his brillliance. There is one screamy Adam-like note but an absolutely beautiful end note that surely has baby Jesus crying. Randy says that Adam shows range every single week and he's ready RIGHT! NOW! He says Adam has it majorly going on and he's a hot one tonight, America! Kara tells Adam that he's brilliant and every week he ups it. She also thinks he's a cross between the guy from Saturday Night Live and Clark Kent. Huh? She says he's inspiring with his emotion and the way he connects with the audience. Paula, with her voice breaking and near tears, says she has never questioned her visceral response to Adam. Truer words were never spoken because Adam's performances usually leave me feeling like I have uncovered the mystical secret to life. She says she felt his pain during his performance and his vulnerability and it was beautiful and she thought he had left his heart on the stage. He is fascinating, brilliant and awesome and he will be in the finals. Simon didn't quite feel Adam's pain and he would have put $10,000 on the table that Adam would have sung Donna Summer but Adam did something no one was expecting. He found Adam's performance original and never heard that particular song performed that way before and we will remember it. He also thought Adam's vocals were immaculate. Adam gives a special shout out to Michael Orland or Oland for the arrangement. Seacrest points out that Paula melted into a pool of Abdul (Poola?) by Adam's performance.

Matt is up next and I would hate to follow Adam Fucking Lambert under any circumstance. He will be singing "Staying Alive" by the Bee Gees and I love this song for its cheesiness and reminder of John Travolta in his white disco suit. Matt's vocals sound pretty good and I like it much better on my second listening than I did the first but not as much as I wanted to. Matt is wearing a red leather jacket that he must have stolen from Breakfast Club's closet and his lucky black hat. His performance is far more energetic than, say, Gokey's. Paula is on her feet clapping before the performance is even over. Someone needs to switch out her meds. Randy starts things off by the usual "check it out, dawg". He didn't love the song choice or arrangement but thinks that Matt can REALLY!SING! Kara thinks Matt brought disco back. She found it a solid performance and likes to see Matt move. Uh huh. Poola says that Matt picks songs the way she likes to bowl - - sometimes he throws a gutter ball and sometimes a strike (isn't that how everyone bowls, Poola?) and she found this to be a strike. Simon didn't like the performance and thinks Matt needs to get out of Idol Land. He thinks Matt came off a bit desperate, there was no originality and he didn't think the vocals were that great. Wow, Sassy Pants, piss on Matt's parade, why don't you?

We come back from commercial and Seacrest is taking a drink from Kara's Coke cup, much to her obvious displeasure. Good thing he didn't drink from Poola's cup or he would be a blithering idiot. Oh, wait . . .

Anoop gets the pimp spot and will be singing "Dim All the Lights", a ballad that should be right in his wheelhouse. Completely OT, but where on earth did that saying ever come from? Wheelhouse? What does it mean exactly? Maybe I should have said it would be right up Anoop's alley - - which is where I would like to be, he he. So the performance is a bit slow and not highly energetic but I think the vocals are beautiful and he's telling me to dim the lights, baby, what can be wrong with that? The last night is a bit of a clunker, which Anoop recognizes with a small grimace and roll of the eyes but otherwise, I thought it was solid and far more enjoyable than being douched by Gokey. Randy says that sometimes we forget this is a singing competition. Speak for yourself, Einstein! I think most of your viewing audience is aware by now that Idol is a singing competition. He thought the arrangement was dicey, but that Anoop CAN!SING!ALSO! He finishes his weird critique with a "nice, baby, nice". Kara thinks that Anoop made a great song choice and she liked Anoop's performance. She thought it could be on the radio today. She also thinks Anoop's last two performances have been his best. Pan to a shot of Anoop's parents in the audience. So cute! Poola loves the stubble on Anoop's face and thinks he looks fantastic. She tells him that real men know how to wear pink. She also says that no one can deny the beauty of his vocals and when Anoop goes into the magical zone of his vocals. She also thinks he should smile more because he has beautiful teeth. For real. Simon must completely disagree because no one has abused, kicked or pissed on Anoop tonight. He found Anoop's performance mediocre at best and that it was a horrible version of the song. Right, Simon, but you found nothing verbally wrong with Gokey's Lunestra of a performance? He thought it was Anoop's worst performance by a mile. I flove me some Anoop but I must say that "Beat It" was his worst performance.

So, which two will get booted off? LRR should definitely get a pink slip. Her performance wasn't all that, and she got the craptastic first slot of death. Gokey should get the heave ho as well, but I would be as shocked as Tom Cruise's penis seeing lady parts if that happened. Kris was all kinds of awesome, but he was stuck in the number 2 slot. Matt could get some sympathy votes and he was toward the end of the show. Adam is safe as a basket of kitten. I worry for Anoop. He got the pimp spot but TPTB obviously don't like him.

Tune in tonight to see who goes home with LRR!

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