April 15, 2009

American Idol: A Pimp Pimp Here and a Pimp Pimp There

Apologies for lack of review last week, but I was on spring vacation!

So this week's theme is "music from movies" and our very special guest mentor is none other than Quentin Tarantino, whose movies and general demeanor I find freaky but here's hoping he's a good mentor to the Idolizers.

Seacrest once again fails to fall down the intergalactic staircase so the show starts out disappointing for me.

The judges magically appear at their station of righteousness. Randy looks as though he was run over by a wayward traffic painting machine - - he's wearing a baby blue cardigan with a random yellow stripe across it. Kara is boring and very Simon-like in a strapless gray thing. Paula's front resembles a disco ball - - maybe so Simon or Seacrest can stare at their reflections? And "Sir" Simon is boring and in gray. Here we go!

Seacrest starts out by boring us with irrelevant reasons as to why the show ran over last week. I missed this but I heard about it. I can tell them why - - because the producers are idiots who don't understand the 60 minute concept. Don't let Paula have her vodka and vicodin mixture and limit her rambling to 15 seconds. Problem solved. Of course, such a simple solution could never be thought of so Simon informs us that because of the time restrictions, only two judges per contestant will be used. How dumb is that? What's the point of having four judges total if only two will be used?

Breakfast Club gets the craptastic first slot and she's going to be torturing us with Aerosmith's "Don't Want To Miss a Thing". Please. I love Aerosmith but this is probably one of my least favorite songs of theirs. Totally cheesy and commercial and weak - so of course Breakfast Club is going to pick it! We get to see Breakfast Club's film with Quentin Tarantino - - her hair resembles an electrified monchichi. She doesn't sound half bad the second time she sings for QT but I'm sure it will be totally fucked live. BC is wearing her usual layer upon layer of clothing - - does she think she must wear every article of clothing in her suitcase to each competition? That black overshirt is huge and I have no idea what is up with those red legging/pant things. I also notice that BC is wearing one, just one, lacy, fingerless glove. Whatever. I find her performance distinctly underwhelming. For one, I thought she sounded very gaspy and rushed. However, my good taste does not carry over into the Idol soundstage because it seems like BC is receiving a standing ovation. Huh? Paula starts the judgery by claiming that BC possesses the same specialness as Adam Fucking Lambert. Really? Does BC run around rainbows and unicorns in Paula's Happy Place? Paula also stresses BC's "authenticity" and the fact that she's ONLY! SIXTEEN! I suppose she had to get that in because Randy wouldn't be reviewing BC. Simon says something weird about hot and spicy barbeque sauce and then claims that Breakfast Club is the girls' only hope left in the competition which is supposed to sound like a compliment but really isn't since LRR isn't bringing shit to this competition. He also claims that we will see Breakfast Club at the end of the competition. Pimp much?

Anoop Dawg is next and he is dressed for his freshman pep rally. Seriously. A letter-like jacket, but with a button down shirt and tie. It's weird but I'm feeling it. Anoop is singing "Everything I Do, I Do For You" by Bryan Adams and damn, but I hate this song. Quentin Tarantino is concerned about Anoop singing this damn song and feels that he needs to "rough it up" and really kill it with a big vocal. So far, I'm really liking QT as a guest mentor because, despite the fact that he is not a musician, he is giving good advice. So Anoop sings and he appears to basically ignore QT's advice on roughing the song up. Bad Anoop! I really hope that doesn't bite him in the ass. However, the performance is incredibly solid and Anoop Dawg does bust out some good chops - - so much so, that his upper lip is very, very sweaty. Personally, I found Anoop's rendition better than Bryan Adams'. Yellow Stripe Randy tells Anoop that he found his zone and was rockin' the house. Thought it was a really good job and he was in tune with the emotion. Kara thought it was one of Anoop's best performances and she felt connected to Anoop's singing. She also thought that the pop songs were adding to Anoop's soul. Sounds vaguely like something Paula would say, doesn't it? But no overpimping here. Seacrest comes out and asks Anoop who he was singing to. Settle down, Seacrest, it certainly wasn't you. Anoop declines to answer but that's only because he's protecting my privacy. He rolls like that.

Adam Fucking Lambert is next and he will be singing Steppenwolf's "Born to Be Wild". Of course! If this isn't Adam's theme song, what is? So Quentin Tarantino thinks Adam is the "real deal" and we have just gotten a taste of what Adam can do. Nothing more is really needed to be said because it's Adam Lambert. So Adam prances across the stage and he looks exactly like a space age Elvis Presley for the ages. It's wild, it's crazy, it's over the top, it's why we love Adam. I feel as though Adam should be singing this song, crawling across the stage, wearing Madonna's white, lacy "Like a Virgin" dress. Paula is up on her feet, dancing. Yep, she's three sheets to the wind already. Holy cow,but Adam can hit those high notes like his junk is in a vice. Paula opens up the judging by stating that Adam is shaking up the whole competition because he dares to dance in the path of greatness. No, seriously, she really said that. Thank God for DVRs because I had to rewind it several times to understand what she said. Alcohol will do that (meaning Paula, not me). She also tells him that fortune rewards the brave and Adam is one of the bravest contestants ever. Put that in your harp and play it, Gokey. Simon sarcastically says that Adam really needs to learn how to express himself a bit more. He says that Adam's performance was vocally incredible but it came off a bit like the Rocky Horror Picture Show. That's it! Seacrest copies Simon by telling Adam he needs to come out of his shell. The innuendo is getting uncomfortable. Respectable and earned amount of pimpage.

Matt is next and he too will be honoring Bryan Adams by performing "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman". Quentin Tarantino warns Matt not to lose the lyrics while doing his gravely soul thing. He believes it should be one of Matt's top 3 performances, if Matt performs it live the way he did for QT. Matt is on the keyboards and he is practically eating the microphone. The girls in the mosh pit are squealing and screaming. No doubt who is the David Archuletta of this season. I don't know this song very well but I thought Matt's performance was good. Nothing thrilling, not exemplary and not horrid. Randy found it "interesting". Said it started out okay but got pitchy and wasn't one of Matt's best. Kara was confused about whether or not Matt was going for rock or soul. She feels he takes 2 steps forward one week and then 2 steps back the next. Hey, you put him in the competition. She did say that he showed his vocal chops but thought he ruined a simple song by doing too much. Absolutely no pimpage here. Poor Matt is obviously not a chosen one.

Gokey is next. Ugh. While there is no time to really chitchat with other Idolizers, Seacrest makes the time to shoot the breeze with Gokey, who is trying to look casual in slightly ripped jeans and an uber-casual jacket but only succeeds in looking like a righteous douche. He's not wearing one of his 5,000 pairs of eyeglasses. I guess Pearle Vision or LensCrafters is no longer sponsoring the Gokey machine. He tells Seacrest how he just bought a guitar because he's "bored". Well, I guess it's pretty obvious how seriously he takes this competition. I say send his ass back to Wisconsin where he can make cheese or whatever. He reminds everyone how he is going to be on tour in case we all forgot because they only announced the results like three weeks ago. Tool. Naturally he's going to be singing "Endless Love" because that's the type of sappy, douchy song that Gokey thrives on. Quentin Tarantino warns Gokey about his annoying hand gestures. He says he's curious to see Gokey on the stage, with the band, and delivering. I don't think QT is a Gokey fan and this delights me to no end. Personally, I feel that Gokey sounds like he's singing at his cousin's wedding - - only he's not the drunk, entertaining cousin. He's the cousin that thinks he can really sing and thinks he does everything better than everyone else. I find his performance dull and boring and he brings absolutely nothing to the song. The original with Lionel Ritchie is infinitely better. That harp and the God Squad can't save him from this mess. Paula, of course, tells Gokey that his magic is in the timbre of his voice and obviously I need to pop a few of her happy pills because the only "magic" I hear is the angels from above begging for mercy from this godawful rendition. She says that she was unsure if the key of the song should have been lowered - - I'm not unsure, the answer is NO! - -but that "it's that magical place that defines you as unique and unforgettable." Crazy talk right there. Gokey is hardly unique. He sounds like every other prissy wanna-be. Simon looks annoyed with Paula's critique. Paula claims that no matter what, Gokey always slays us at the end. There is some truth there. Simon says he was disappointed with the arrangement of the song and a bit bored that Gokey didn't do much with it. But then says some pansy ass thing about how the song obviously meant a lot to Gokey so "congratulations". WTF? Yet another reference to the dead wife? Over the top pimpage.

Tender Dawg Kris is next and he will be singing something called "Falling Slowly" which I don't know. Quentin Tarantino says that Kris was the only Idolizer to live up to the spirit of the competition by choosing a movie that meant something to him. QT suggested playing an instrument, but stated that Kris' performance should be great one way or the other. Kris performs without an instrument but sounds solid. He starts slowly but totally opens it up by the time he hits the chorus. Why, exactly, do the girls scream over Matt when cutie pie is here? Kris is obviously connected to the song and his weird singing out of the corner of his mouth thing doesn't even bother me. Randy is obviously tone deaf and stupid because he claims that the performance just didn't catch on for him and he found it "pitchy". Don't worry, Kris. This is coming from a man who obviously considers high fashion baby blue cardigans. Kara says that it's difficult to pick an obscure song but found it one of Kris' best moments. Slight pimpage from Kara.

LRR gets the pimp spot and . . . why? She is naturally singing Bette Midler's "The Rose". Quentin Tarantino claims he's a big fan of LRR . . . why? He stated she did a nice switch with the song, taking it from the simple beginning to a gospel-ized middle but he believes she should fully commit to the simplicity of the beginning. So, LRR starts out okay - - and I do really like this song - - but she seems to be straining to oversing and overemphasize the words and lyrics. And those tight black jeans are no friend to her butt. Just saying. I'm not sure how I feel about the gospel part in the middle, mainly because part of the beauty of the song is its simplicity. It's a---ight, I guess. Paula claims that LRR could not have sung a more beautiful lyric and then babbles on about how the road is long and lonely and beautiful or whatever. Simon claims the song is too soft and too middle of the road for LRR. There were nice moments but he feels there is no room for excuses any longer. He is getting frustrated with LRR and feels she is not the artist they thought she was during auditions. Finally! It's not just me! So LRR gets on her Huffy bike and rides all over Simon. That should be the kiss of death but I think we all know it won't be. Seriously, why talk back? Why make excuses for what you did? Why not just go ahead and say "I chose that song because I can't sing for shit, so?" You might as well. Over the top pimpage from Paula.

As far as who will go home? I'm worried for Kris, despite the fact he turned in a good performance. Gokey and LRR could sing the Dr. Pepper theme song and get the most votes at this point. I think Kris and Matt are in danger, and possibly Breakfast Club since she went first. Adam Fucking Lambert may not have gotten the votes he got last week but no way TPTB are going to let him get cut this soon. Anoop should be, and better be, safe.

The real question: how drunk and/or high will Paula be at the results show tonight?

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