April 16, 2009

Idol Results: Anoop Kicked, LRR Bitchfaces, Miley Sucks, Simon Saves and Matt Cries

Source: msn.com
Anyone ever have t.v. burnout? I was feeling some t.v. burnout last night by the time I watched Idol. I got home from work early, due to a baseball game that was then cancelled and I was feeling pretty crappy, fighting a cold. I had already watched my DVR'd episode of Hereos from Monday night, then 90210 from Tuesday night and last night's earlier airing of America's Next Top Model (don't judge). By the time I cranked up Idol on the DVR it was about 9:30 and I was planning on fast forwarding through the guaranteed mess of the first 55 minutes, to get to the results at the end. As they say, well laid plans . . .

Group sing was "Maniac". I loved it. I know, dementia and I go hand in hand. And yes, I know the 80s are over. I don't have to like it. Matt gets major pimpage during the group sing. Interesting. Adam Fucking Lambert is a god. I wish someone would shove Gokey off the stage. Anoop stumbles on the stairs, making me love him even more.

The usual "we have an hour for these results so let's do bit by bit and waste as much time as possible". Breakfast Club gets the first call out, which means she's inexplicably safe. How can she not be in the Bottom 3? Seriously, her performance was ass. And she was in the craptastic first slot. I'm getting very conspiracy theory-like, but I wonder if there's shenanigans going on. There is most definitely shenanigans with the giant hoodie Breakfast Club is wearing.

So Breakfast Club is safe and Adam Fucking Lambert hugs and high fives her. Can this guy be any more magical? (TM Paula) Seacrest calls Adam next and does he honestly think there is any suspense here whatsoever? Of course Adam is safe! If he wasn't, all the magical mushrooms in the magical forest would shrivel up and the bunnies and squirrels and unicorns would stage a protest, complete with picket signs, refusing to be cute and adorable and magical any longer. Seriously, it is against the laws of nature and all that is glorious in our world for Adam Fucking Lambert not to win this thing. One thing I've noticed about Adam is that he is like a musical form of a legal narcotic. He doesn't have the subtle eyefucking that Cookie was expert with last season - - I mean, Cookie would sing and then start eyefucking and draw you in and you were powerless to resist the charm and charisma and creativity that was Cookie. Adam, on the other hand - - he doesn't eyefuck so much as telepathically send you the message that he is going to bring you over to his side of being a gay, intergalactic, guyliner-wearing god who could achieve world peace by putting his version of "Ring of Fire" on an endless loop. Can anyone bring on the happy as much as Adam?

So Seacrest goes to Anoop and I know before Anoop even stands that, of course, he's in the Bottom 3 and TPTB are going to fuck with him yet again. Seacrest dicks around the issue, resulting in Anoop telling him "Come on now, Ryan" - - gold. Anoop should be given a reprieve from the Bottom 3 just for that line. So Anoop is sent to the Stools of Shame yet again - - and for giving a good performance! This is completely and utterly off the charts when you figure that Breakfast Club is sitting pretty after belting Aerosmith out of her ass.

Tender Dawg is up next and Seacrest asks LRR to stand up with him. Simon interrupts to tell Kris that, although he didn't get to judge Kris' performance the night before, he thought Kris was "brilliant". Nervous moment. Who is it going to be, because one of these two are headed for the Stools of Shame. I'm thinking it's probably Kris because his performance was good last night, right up there with Anoop, and LRR did her usual one-hit glory note and then a bunch of excuses and backtalk, and that's kept her in so far. Seacrest screws with all of us though, making Kris think he is going to take the Walk of Shame, when in fact, it's LRR!! Justice!

That leaves Matt and Gokey and the show's director or producer or whoever decides the order of these things is a complete ass clown because does anyone think that Gokey is going to wind up in the Bottom 3? Matt naturally gets the shame nod and joins Anoop and LRR in the center of the stage. Seacrest then asks Simon and Paula if the right three people are standing on the Seal. Simon, naturally, says yes. Paula drunkenly hems and haws and then says yes, because all three performances were flawed. Which completely goes against what she said just 24 hours previously, when she claimed Anoop gave a vocally perfect performance. Stop backtracking, Paula, and quit kicking Anoop, judgery!

In the meanwhile, Jennifer Hudson performs and she really does look lovely. LRR could take some notes. I also think she sounds pretty good but maybe I'm biased after weeks of being tortured by the LRR/Gokey machine.

Miley Cyrus also "performs" and I use this word lightly because I think someone could have put a chipmunk in a long dress and glued a few rhinestones on said chipmunk and who would know the difference? Well, the chipmunk might actually be more entertaining. I spent the duration of the audio abuse being passed off as singing thinking that if Miley Cyrus had auditioned for Idol, she wouldn't even get to Hollywood Week. Her celebrity status absolutely confounds me.

So back to the Bottom 3 and Seacrest "generously" offers to relieve the tensions of one Idolizer and sends Anoop (thank God!) back to the Seats of Safety. That leaves Matt, looking petrified, and LRR, looking like a bewigged kiwi. Simon tells Seacrest that the judgery would consider saving one person, and that person would be shocked by the decision. So Seacerst says "and that would be LRR?" and I'm thinking how fucking rude is that anyway? Matt looks sad and LRR looks righteously smug which she really shouldn't because no one wearing the shade of an edible berry should have that luxury. Seacrest then breaks the news that LRR is safe and Matt got the lowest number of votes. Damn it! I was really hoping we could give LRR the send off.

So Matt must "sing for his life", which is another fucking rude maneuver on Idol's part. They really love to see the contestants squirm, don't they? Matt sings his heart out and, honestly, I think he sounds better than the night before and despite my Anoop love and Adam obsession and Kris cutie-pie-ness, part of me secretly hopes the judges enact the ever-elusive save for Matt. So Simon asks Matt how many times he's been in the Bottom 3 and this must be the night for fucking rudeness and Matt says "twice" and looks like he's going to cry. If he doesn't, I may. Simon says Matt's performance wasn't as good as the previous night and I'm wondering what Simon would have said, had he been allowed to judge, and Kara tries to butt in with how wonderful Matt is, although she couldn't be bothered to have said that the night before so STFU, Kara. Simon then says that Matt doesn't have an Adam Lambert chance in a redneck bar in the deepest woods of Louisiana hell of winning the competition (which causes Matt's face to totally crumble) but the news is good and Matt is SAVED! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Tom Cruise! Matt literally cries tears of joy, the other Idolizers rush him to engulf him in a massive body hug, Seacrest is practically squeeing with glee and I am tearing up like it's PMS-time in Michael Landon land. Of course Simon has to pee on the parade by reminding everyone that not only do TWO people get voted off Idol Island next week, but horror of horrors, it's Disco Week!

Disco Week + Adam Fucking Lambert = Glorious, ostentatious, over the top awesomeness that can only be described as a magical mystery tour where Skittles fall from the rainbow and the Village People rule.

No comments: