Damn you, American Idol. I knew this was coming but it certainly doesn't make the season-long abuse of Anoop Dawg any easier.
So last night's results show on Idol may well have been the least anticlimactic of the season. But hey, they managed to end on time!
We're shown the usual montage of performances from the night before, with the judges' comments handpicked by TPTB. Want an example? Do you think they showed us a repeat of Simon's comments about Gokey being a big, fat, boring wet noodle? Hell, no! Instead they show Paula exhibiting her psychosis by declaring Gokey and his voice a sexy beast. Ugh. Just writing that, I hated myself.
What is with Randy fanwanking on himself so badly? Someone needs to turn off his mic if he's going to "woot!" for himself every week. And stop with the booing of Simon already. It's old. Thank goodness Simon thought to put a shirt on.
Paula did the choreography for the Idolizers this week with their Group Sing. I am reminded that yes, Paula Abdul did do something professionally before that terrible 80s song - - what was it? Oh yeah, "Straight Up". Hated that song. Regardless, though, Paula is a great choreographer and she still has her moves. She seems to enjoy working with the Idolizers and also seems remarkably lucid.
See Matt geek out over being able to download his own version of "Let's Get it On" to his cellphone. Note that even a cellphone download sounds better than anything Gokey has bleated out on this show so far.
And God help me, but despite the cheesiness of the group sing, I floved it. Everyone is decked out (supposedly) in 1970s glory, with Tender Dawg Kris looking all kinds of adorably hot, Adam mystifying everyone with his magical brilliance, Anoop being cool and awesome, despite surefire execution tonight, and Gokey attempting to suck up three times the attention of everyone else. I have no idea why all the guys, but Adam, are wearing sunglasses. Maybe it's true that Adam is so fucking brilliant and bright, everyone else has to wear shades. During parts of the dancing and singing, it is really difficult to tell some of the guys apart. Not good. I want to make sure my disgust and snark is directly solely at Gokey.
The lip syncing is beyond horrible. I'm not sure but I think they may have told 3 or 4 of the contestants to attempt to fake it and the other contestants to not worry about it. I may have heard that Ashlee Simpson will be calling to give the Idols advice on their lip syncing for last week. I kid not. It was that bad.
So we jump right into dimming the lights (TM Anoop) and without much preamble, Seacrest tells LRR that not only must she walk across the stage toward the Stools of Shame but she's history. No joke. It really was like "Oh, by the way, LRR, you're outta here! Here's your mic, sing, but do it quick because we have a Ford commercial to get to." I think Idol took those freaky white boots LRR was wearing and walked right over her with them.
It was a classy sing out though. LRR's mom looks like she wants to cut a certain bitch named Simon. The judges take turns giving LRR advice, telling her this is just the beginning, and Simon tells her he's still a fan of hers. That's right, LRR. No hard feelings. Simon was contractually required to cut you down to keep Gokey alive and well.
We get disco divas and a dude for the halftime show. Freda Payne looked lovely but she sounded as though she might need an oxygen tank after the show. Thelma Houston's attire was frightening and I worried those "curtains" on her dress would part and give us a Very Special Show, but damn, the lady still has an incredible voice. And I squeed over that song. My 10 year old self back in the late 70s used to love K.C. from K.C. and the Sunshine Band but the only thing I could think of when I saw him was "damn, he looks old." And what was with the dangly earring in his left ear? And how dated and 70s does "the Sunshine Band" sound now?
So they dim the lights and Seacrest moves on to Tender Dawg, reminding everyone for the thousandth time the ladies underwear story which is way old to everyone but Seacrest and Kris stands there being all cute and you know he wants to bust a cap in Seacrest but he's way too cute to do anything and then Seacrest informs us that Kris is safe and doesn't even attempt his usual fuckery of Kris. Then we're on to Adam and really, is there even a need for this anymore? Seacrest reminds everyone what Adam sang and asks him why he chose the song and Paula is going to cry and the audience is screaming over the magicality of Adam and Adam is so fucking awesome that he actually answers Seacrest's question very astutely and politely and honestly and Seacrest obviously wanted an answer like "I chose this song because I used to prance around my bedroom wearing hot pants and singing it" because he tells Adam "Sit down already, you're safe". So Adam smiles his magical smile and tells everyone "thank you" and he's so talented and so humble that the world just became a better place.
Then we're on to Gokey and I'm doing Idol history in my mind and thinking "could it be?" Could it actually be that Gokey will wind up in the Bottom 3? Could it be that Gokey will get the "surprise" boot? Has the weirdness of Randy's cardiganless from the night before rubbed off on the phone lines? Please, God? So we are reminded of the crap that Gokey sang the night before and how he sounds exactly like he's sounded all season long and how he doesn't mix up his arrangements or anything remotely creative like that and how that was a death knell for LRR but when Gokey does it, he's adulated like the Crown Prince of All Things Idol. So Seacrest asks Gokey about Simon's comments on Gokey being clumsy and Gokey claims to understand exactly what Simon meant ("clumsy" is just so darn hard to understand) and will rectify the situation next week, if he's able to stay and I wonder if he's going to perform remotely from, say, Antarctica, because the second Gokey steps on the stage and moves, he's clumsy. So Seacrest wants clarification from Simon as to exactly what he meant and Simon is feeling very Sassy Pants because he's not having any of Seacrest's stupidity. He tells Seacrest to knock that shit off, quit being facetious and get back to the contestants. God, I love Simon sometimes. So Seacrest tells Gokey he's safe!!
No!! How can it be? Not even the Bottom 3? Will we never get rid of the cheese covered cockroach on a stale cracker that is Gokey? Who is voting for him anyhow? And in direct contradiction to Adam's humble smile and "thank you", Gokey looks totally smug and self-assured. Dick. He also claps because, I guess, you can't really High Five yourself. Double dickery.
So Seacrest moves to the top row of chairs and here it comes. Anoop. Of course Anoop is in the Bottom 3. I don't think Anoop is surprised at all by this. Anoop trots over to the Stools of Shame and swivels on his stool. That leaves Matt and Breakfast Club, both of whom have seen Bottom 3 territory with Anoop. They wrap their arms around each other and look appropriately freaked over whose evening Seacrest may ruin. Seacrest talks briefly to Breakfast Club, asking her about her arrangement and she says she wanted to make the song sound more like her so she changed it up a bit. Seacrest also asks Matt about his song and he said he changed his arrangement to make it more unique and he really doesn't want to get voted off a week after being saved and then there's this uncomfortable silence that you just know Seacrest is delighting in before he wields his power and tells Matt he's safe and Breakfast Club is joining Anoop at the Stools of Shame.
Then Archuletta returns to the Idol stage and his song sounded like hot buttered ass served up on a homemade bun of lame. And he definitely needs an oxygen tank after that performance. He's still gasping for air while Seacrest comes over to talk to him - - probably delighted there is someone on stage actually shorter than Seacrest himself. Seacrest is a total douche for pointing out, in front of Anoop and Breakfast Club, that Archuletta had never been in the Bottom 2 - - but mad props for Archuletta's response of "I was fortunate". Because there certainly is no apparent justice on this program, where Anoop and even Breakfast Club can hit the Bottom 3 and Gokey just smirks and smugs from the Seats of Safety. Archuletta goes on to tell Anoop and Breakfast Club that you don't have to win the whole thing in order for your dreams to come true.
Which is remarkably sage advice, particularly from a 17! YEAR! OLD!
So we're back to Anoop and Breakfast Club and to the surprise of no one, including Anoop, Anoop is told he's going home. I am not surprised but I am angry that they have abused Anoop so miserably all season. Anoop does his sing out in a classy way and he seems totally relaxed and at ease. I am fighting tears because Anoop is so classy and so awesome and his parents are so totally cute and it's all kinds of wrong that Anoop goes home while Gokey continues to stay and put everyone into craptacular comas with his blandness.
The dickery of Anoop continues when TPTB decide to give LRR and Anoop joint "Going Home" montages. Fuckery! I loved seeing Anoop's journey though and I just know he'll be okay.
Note to Anoop: It was a pleasure supporting you this season. Voting numbers don't mean a thing. If you sing it, I will listen. You put a CD out, I'll buy it. That's a promise.