Oh, to be the child of Tom Cruise. What joy it must bring.
Poor Suri Cruise. This is a child that is destined for psychiatric sessions on the down low and a scathing tell-all in about 20 years. Can Amazon take my advance order now?
So Star magazine is reporting that the unfortunately named and allegedly sired tot is the most talented and intelligent 3 1/2 year old on the planet. Well, this planet at least. And yes, I said 3 1/2. That was not a typo because I believe it's more likely that aliens walk among us daily than Suri Cruise was born on April 18, 2005 at St. John's Hospital.
According to Star, Suri has been taking ballet lessons since she began walking. An "insider" (i.e., Tom Cruise's PR person) says that "Suri's shown a real love of dancing, especially ballet and tap so Tom and Katie are encouraging her as much as possible."
Suri is also learning two foreign languages and meets with a Spanish and French tutor once a week. Every time Tom and Katie take her to another country, they give her a crash introduction to the native language and culture. During recent trips to Japan and Brazil, the little brainiac picked up quite a few basic words.
Suri is also allegedly working with an athletic trainer to learn soccer because her older siblings excel at it. And Katie supposedly spends time with Suri in the kitchen, teaching her how to bake and Tom has Suri with him in the cockpit of one of his many planes so that she can prepare for flight lessons.
This is so absurd it's almost not worth commenting on. But you know I will.
First, as far as Suri showing a real love for ballet or tap or any kind of dancing, she has also shown a real love of gnawing on her footwear as of late so I hope that Tom and Katie aren't encouraging that.
Second, regarding the linguistics, can this child even speak a full sentence in English? Despite the many photo ops she and we have been subjected to, I don't think we've heard her speak in the last year, if ever. Do fuckery and deceit count as foreign languages because I'm fairly sure that Tom is fluent in that.
Third, if this child is supposedly taking tap at her age and has been in ballet lessons for the better part of two years, why on earth would she need any direction in soccer? Kick ball, run. Should be a piece of (cup)cake for such a talented tot.
Regarding Katie in the kitchen with Suri, does Katie even know where the kitchen is in her house? Does she remember what food is because homegirl looks like she hasn't eaten solid food in about 3 years. Do the Cruise-azies really think we believe that Suri is picking up baking tips, advanced child or not? My guess is that if she is in the kitchen with Katie, Katie got lost on her way to the auditing room and Suri is banging pots and pans on the floor with a wooden spoon.
And flight lessons? Come on! I don't think this child is potty trained yet - - she appeared to be wearing a diaper last picture I saw - - and we're supposed to believe that she's baking, flying, speaking in 3 languages, doing ballet, tap and soccer?
All together now . . . Bitches, please! This child isn't a prodigy. She's a PR tool that is being manipulated by Tom and Katie to give them positive press. Knock it off. We're not biting. Suri is a normal 3 1/2 year old. Big deal. My Boston terrier is probably more advanced than her right now. Hey, he's potty trained.