May 21, 2009

American Idol Finale: How Did Care Bear Defeat the Glam?

Season 8 of American Idol has ended and the unspeakable (for many) has happened. Adam Fucking Lambert was not crowned the winner of Idol. How did it happen? How could such an obvious front runner, and crazily talented guy, not win the whole thing?

Blame it, in part at least, on the media. Adam F. Lambert has had major stirrings since Hollywood Week, the judges have continually praised his mad talent and abilities (Simon issuing not only his first and ever standing ovation to a contestant but practically preaching to the viewing public about its responsibilities on voting for Adam) and even mainstream entertainment publications like Entertainment Weekly have focused exclusively on Adam (said magazine putting Adam and Adam only on its cover a month ago). Saturating the viewing public with continual images of Adam's brilliance and, worse, telling us who we should vote for, did little for garnering support for Adam and more for alienating fans of Breakfast Club and and Douchey Geekey, the Idolizers voted off in the month prior to the finale, and the undecided voters still sitting on the proverbial fence.

Put a small amount of blame, too, on Douchey Geekey. His self-professed religious background, continually reminding us he is a widower and his treacly, suicide-inducing ballads all have more in common with Care Bear than the Glam Overlord of the Big Gay (or Not Gay) Galaxy (and I mean that as a compliment - - that outfit Adam wore when performing with KISS was BAD.ASS. Let's just hope that Tom Cruise didn't see those platforms and get any ideas). Further, when the top 2 were announced, Idol elected to send Care Bear to safety immediately (despite the fact that Adam F. Lambert had probably garnered more votes than Care Bear that week) and pit the Glam God against the Eyeglass Wearing Cheester. With Adam being sent to the finale, would it be any wonder that Geekey's fans blamed Adam?

Will Adam losing the tiara of a million dreams be bad news for him in the long run? Highly, highly unlikely. His rendition of "We are the Champions", along with Care Bear and Queen, during the 2 hour long finale, was the type of magic made with unicorns, pixie dust and rainbows. Only Freddy Mercury himself could have topped Adam Fucking Lambert on stage with Queen.

Adam F. Lambert will be fine - - he will certainly prove to be more successful than having won the crown (or tiara). I expect him to go the way of Chris Daughtry and Jennifer Hudson, if not bypass their successes entirely.

Now, for the quick and dirty on the finale.


- The Idol producers, who actually managed to not only end the show at the scheduled time, but also managed to make the usually bloated 2 hour telecast feel fresh and entertaining.

- Cookie, who still sounds freaking amazing on the stage and whose heartfelt statement about his brother's passing and donations from his new song going to ABC2 made me respect him all the more.

- Cyndi Lauper, whose duet with Breakfast Club was spot on and the best duet of the night.

- Queen and KISS, who were kick ass performers with the added benefit of Adam Fucking Lambert fronting them. Every week should be like this.

- Carlos Santana who still OWNS the guitar, and Matty G. who sounded pretty damn good singing "Black Magic Woman" to Santana.

- Kara, who issued a complete and total "F-you" to Bikini Girl and made me forgive her for every stupid comment she made during the season. Not only can Kara absolutely bury her in the singing department, but she looks pretty good in a bikini too. I think we were all waiting all season long for Bikini Girl to be schooled.

- Adam Fucking Lambert and Care Bear. The Idol bromance to end all bromances. Both seemed to have a great time performing with each other and neither seemed overly concerned with taking the whole thing. Care Bear was genuinely shocked at winning and Adam F. Lambert was genuinely thrilled for Care Bear. Doesn't get much better than that.


- Randy's wardrobe. Really? I mean, really?

- The Golden Idol Awards. Not only is this a time sucking filler, it's a poorly produced and just plain painful time sucking filler. Was there any question as to who was going to "win" these awards? Did we really want to see Bikini Girl, with her new tan and new breasts, again? I have no problem with Norman Gentle but I have no desire to be subjected to crazy ass Tatiana again. Either cut the show by half an hour or let fans call in or email in with questions.

- TPTB for not giving Anoop solo time. LRR gets a duet with Queen Latifah, Matty G. gets to sing with Santana and nothing for Anoop? The kicking continues . . .

- Douchey Geekey even attempting "Hello" after Cookie OWNED that shit last season. And Lionel Ritchie can't show up last year to sing with Cookie but shows up this year to sing with Wisconsin's favorite cheese ball? Please. I like you, Lionel, but you're pushing it.

- TPTB for continuing to subject us to Marlboro. She was voted off for a reason, people. I did not need to see her stinking up the stage with Steve Martin (who deserves far better) and no one should have to watch her attempting to dance with her flailing body parts. Stick a fork in her, she's done.

- Simon, who acted like his favorite toy was taken away when Care Bear was announced as the winner. Listen, Sassy Pants. Stand up like the rest of the judges and be happy for Care Bear. You'll still make your money.

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