May 13, 2009

American Idol Top 3: Adam is Cryin', Care Bear is Heartless and Douchey is Still Here

This . . . is . . . American Idol's 300th show! Yeah, I know, hold back the yawns.

Tonight our remaining three Idolizers - - or should I say, my remaining two Idolizers and some douchey interloper - - will be singing the Judges' Choice (also known as The Battle of the Egos, according to Seacrest) and their own personal choice. Right now, I am calling that Douchey Geekey will choose to sing some overblown, sadsack, corny and emotionally stunted song because we all know that's what he excels at.

Seacrest geeks his way down the Intergalactic Staircase. Glad to see he's still patronizing the local tanning booth as well as using those Crest Whitestrips.

The judges, in all their righteousness, are introduced. Randy is wearing a navy blue cardigan with white pinstripes. I swear, I have a sweater almost identical to that. I look way cooler in it though. He's also wearing matching navy blue rimmed eyewear. I think Douchey has started an eyeglass trend that has gone too far now. Randy is also wearing his candy necklace and bracelet. Sweet. Kara is wearing her hair stick straight and bangs in her face. Don't likey. It makes her look harsh. I'm worried she is going to be bitchy tonight solely based on the hair. Paula is super sparkly in a black sparkly thing. She jumps up from her chair upon introduction and does a quasi-twirl. Sassy Pants is in his usual white Hanes undershirt.

Seacrest brings the Top 3 out - - Douchey in a douchey shirt, with Tuff Skins jeans and a dumb ass wallet chain hanging out. He is trying so hard to look relevant. It's funny. Care Bear is cute and cuddly in his little jeans and jacket. Adam Fucking Lambert is in a toned down grayish-silverish long sleeved shirt and jeans and looks somewhat subdued.

We are subjected to a brief film about the "Hometown Heroes" - - see Adam F. Lambert in San Diego, with crowds going crazy. Hee, no film with the half-naked girl who threw herself at him. See Care Bear being cute in Arkansas. See Douchey . . . oh wait, they totally cut his film off. Ha ha ha!!

I guess Seacrest got the memo about there being only 60 minutes for Idol and therefore no time for idle chit chat on Douchey. Let's get right to it!

So finally Douchey gets the Craptastic First Slot. Paula is the judge assigned to him and she gives him Terence Trent D'Arby's "Dance Little Sister". I'm sure he will fuck this up, although I expected her to give him something in the "Endless Love" or "Hero" range. Anyhow, Douchey is Douchey, what can we say at this point? There is no "Dream On" scream, thank God (although my cat Sparky absolutely refused to be in the room while Idol was on tonight, go figure). But Douchey, even when he's not being totally offensive and totally off-key, is just a big bag of meh to me. I will say that if he ever does that chicken dance pelvic thrust thing again he should be shot. He's just too Geekey to pull those moves off. Adam Fucking Lambert, he is not. And why does he sound so breathy and gaspy? Is he still trying to catch his breath from last week's hatchet job? So not impressed. Paula is doing her drunk dancing and Randy is actually fist pumping.

Of course, the judges are. They have been drinking the Douchey Geekey juice for weeks. Randy says "let the games begin!" (what games? Mind games? Assault on the ears games? Douchey Games?) and says something about Douchey performing like crazy. Randy may be on to something there, although I would say that Douchey is performing to the judges and the crowd like crazy - - borderline acting. Because he sure ain't singing. Randy also either thinks Douchey's song was "dope!" or Douchey himself is. I vote for the latter. Kara says something stupid and totally irrelevant about a money spot but then dings Douchey on his dancing. She says he was too gyrating (I say too annoying and spastic) and his performance won't be remembered tomorrow. Paula thought it was really good and tells Douchey it was a fantastic job. Of course she does. Paula picked the song. Douchey could sit on the stage, yank his back leg up and tongue bathe himself and Paula would see the magic in Douchey's actions. Sassy Pants deemed Douchey's dancing "desperate" - - although this isn't a dancing show, in case you can't remember. It's a singing competition and a stage for dead wives and cheesefests. Simon says that it was vocally very good although he thought the saxophone solo in the middle was problematic, as it sounded like a toy saxophone. I thought the sax solo was problematic in that Douchey attempted to sing against the sax and roundly lost. He also thought it was the wrong song choice. Take that, Ms. Abdul.

In order to simply things a bit, I am going to analyze both song choices and performances together.

So Douchey's second song and personal pick was (naturally) Joe Cocker's "You are So Beautiful". What a shocker. Of course this big windbag of cheese would choose this song. If he could get away with it, I really think he would sing to himself - - "Did you ever know, I'm my herooooo. . . . ." Seriously. The guy claps for himself, it's not a big jump. And he can't answer a simple question from a simpleton like Seacrest with a simple response. He has to give a long, drawn out, over-analytical response. God, I cannot stand him. Example, when Seacrest does his usual "why did you choose this song or that song", Douchey has the nerve to say that he doesn't listen to other people's opinions. Clearly obvious based on the fact that he didn't take the advice of one single mentor this season.

Anyhow, Douchey's second performance. Starts off slow and gaspy. Surprising, I know. It's almost depressing in the lack of any emotion or "uuummmpphh" it has going on. Leave it to Douchey though, he must go and church it up. I will say the last note is decent and on a Douchey-Meter Scale it places fairly well - - although the bar is set so low that Adam Fucking Lambert could come out with strep throat and attempt any Mariah Carey song (which are usually the bane of my existence) and still score higher than any of Douchey's best efforts. Because Douchey has the personality of a sad, wet noodle.

Randy says "check it out, check it out" like a thousand times and then says "Beautiful" was an amazing song and "you can really, really, really sing!" Seriously? Aren't we past this, Randy? This is the Top 3 . . . out of 100,000, as Seacrest reminded us earlier. I would hope the Top 3 can really sing - - although I do have doubts about Douchey. Randy also thinks Douchey has mad vocals. I think Randy is mad. Kara said that everything he didn't do in the first performance he did in the second. She thought it was "stunning" (yeah, stunningly boring and dull) and "amazing" (what's going to be amazing is when Joe Cocker kicks Douchey's ass). Paula thinks Douchey left us all breathless. I think Douchey left himself breathless because he's still gasping. She says that this song allowed Douchey to perform his magic (provided you consider his magic coming out on stage, digging up the memory of your dead wife and pandering to the judges and viewing audience in the most toolish way possible). Simon loves the song itself and thought it wasn't necessary for Douchey to change the arrangement. He thought it would have worked with just Douchey and a piano. Then of course Kara has to get all buttinsky and screech at Simon because Simon apparently doesn't know about arrangements, whatever. Does anyone care? Simon does say that it was a "vocal master class". I think he meant "vocal master ass". And oh yeah - - Douchey changed his outfit, at least the top portion. He still has the Tuff Skins jeans but now has a "serious" shirt, tie and vest. WTH? He looks like a douchey banker on his lunch hour.

Care Bear is sandwiched in the middle of this sausage fest, yet again. Poor Care Bear. How mean are TPTB to constantly kick the Bear? Unfortunately for Care Bear, Randy and Kara were assigned to select his song and they selected One Republic's "Apologize". Care Bear performs it on the piano and it's really fairly solid. I mean, you can't really change it up that much. Overall, I found it to be a good performance, nothing to get excited or offended about. Definitely no chicken dancing manuevers.

Randy thinks this shows the kind of artist that Care Bear can be. Kara thought it was a competent performance but believes he should be "swinging" it out of the park by now and taking more chances. I don't think Kara is thinking about music when she's thinking about what is "swinging". Paula says she is used to Care Bear taking artistic license with his song choices and while she heard a bum note that was loud, she is still proud of Care Bear. What the fuck, Paula? Douchey's performance last week consisted of nothing but bum notes and he gets an A+++ for effort and Care Bear gets thrown under the bus? Simon thinks that Kara is a cop out. Love! He thinks she's all kinds of wrong for choosing the song for Care Bear to perform and then blaming him. He feels Kara didn't hold up to her own responsibilities. Kara retorts with asking Simon if he ever arranged a song himself. Simon thinks that if Kara and Randy wanted Care Bear to perform this song with a guitar versus a piano they should have said so. Ridiculous on its face but I'm still siding with Simon. Just 'cause. Paula responds with typical Idol maturity and sticks her fingers in her ears and says LALALALALALALA. Well, thank goodness this is all about CARE BEAR and his performance.

Care Bear's second song is his version of Kanye West's "Heartless" and when I heard this, I honestly thought my little Care Bear was going to be annihilated. However, Care Bear hits this one out of the park. This should make the judges STFU about "artistry" and "arrangements" and whatever other b.s. they are so fond of spouting. Care Bear takes care of business. And he does so in a most excellent black sparkly shirt. And why did he choose "Heartless"? "Because it's fun." Love me some Care Bear. And that last note was spot on.

Randy says this is one of the toughest voting nights in history. He likes Care Bear's version BETTER than The Fray's and better than Kanye's! Go, Care Bear! He also says "you are in it to win it!" Kara found it bold, brave and fearless to stand on the stage with an acoustic guitar and perform that song. She said Care Bear was 100% with his tone, pitch and phrasing. Paula thinks Care Bear is the bravest artist for singing a song about Simon Cowell. Ha! Paula made a funny. She says performances like this one are what keep Care Bear relevant - - and by doing something different. She commends Care Bear and gives him a "bravo". Simon is going to be honest (that's nice) and says after what he thought was a lame song choice for Care Bear, he had written him out - - that, however, all changed after that performance. Whoo hoo, Care Bear!

Adam Fucking Lambert gets the Pimp Position again - - yes, I am blinded by the brilliance that is Adam Fucking Lambert but even I can see the major pimpage going on. Simon has chosen Adam's song and he has chosen U2's "One". He also makes sure to inform us that he personally spoke to Bono to get permission to use the song and Bono was delighted over Adam Fucking Lambert performing his song. So Seacrest asks Sassy Pants why he chose "One" and Simon says it's one of his favorite songs. So Adam takes the stage in a faded denim shirt, which is still brilliant, of course, and the stage is full of darkness and a piano is accompanying Adam and Adam is stripped down without his guyliner or electrifying hair. He starts out slow and it's truly beautiful. Baby Jesus is crying, ya'll. And then . . . Adam Lambertizes it. And . . . I'm not sure I like it. Now I flove me some Adam F. Lambert as much as a redneck loves RC Cola and Twinkie wedding cakes but . . something just isn't right. I know, I know. Adam Fucking Lambert is not dazzling me with his brilliance and earth saving voice of angels. It's just too much somehow, as if Adam Fucking Lambert could ever be too much. And I don't believe I'm mistaken but I think Adam just tonguefucked the camera, very Lizard King like.

So Randy says "DUDE" and Adam is still in the zone. The cabaret zone? The high kicking zone? He says Adam is one of the hottest 3 in the competition. That Randy. So smaaaaart. Next thing he'll be saying "you can really, really sing!" Oh wait, he already said that. Kara found Adam's performance "unbelievable" and was amazed at how he could totally change up "One". I am too. I'm curious to know what Bono thinks. Paula claims her life is miserable for Simon's gloating over the song choice and Adam's rendition of it. She does say that it was "brilliant" and she's looking at the next American Idol. Holy crap, pimp and predict much? Simon found "One" to be a brilliant song choice (no surprise there) and Adam worked it out. He said that if Adam wasn't in the final, it would be one of the biggest upsets in the show's tainted and set-up history. Okay, well, I added "tainted" and "set-up".

Adam did add in his little after-talk with Seacrest that the lyrics to "One" are truly beautiful and everyone should go back and listen to them. Which we should all do immediately as the Unicorn King has decreed.

So Adam's second song is Aerosmith's "Cryin'" and if Adam had said he was going to do Aerosmith's "Dream On", I may very well have laughed myself to death at the obvious slight against Douchey. Adam says he's going to twist it up a bit to make it his own, but that Steven Tyler is "the man". True that. Adam also says he wants to do Mr. Tyler proud. Here's hoping!

Adam swaggers out on stage in rocker gear and . . . someone needs to take the Red Bull or Monster away from the backup singer because she is way, way too loud. When you can't hear Adam Fucking Lambert singing to Baby Jesus and the angels in heaven, you're hitting those pipes a wee bit too loud. BTW, heard a rumor that Adam was supposedly going to sing "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak. I. WOULD. HAVE. LOST. MY. SHIT. if he had. I love this song with a seriousness that is unequaled. I don't think Paula loves her Vodka and Vicodin as much as I love this song. And I think it would have been fucking perfect for Adam to sing this - - provided he kept in his lower register and didn't try to bust out the glory note.

But I digress because he didn't sing that awesome song. "Cryin'" is probably pretty perfect for Adam. He hits the big Adam F. Lambert glory note at the end and the audience goes wild.

Randy says Adam is one of the best contestants they have ever had. He loves this performance even more than "One". He tells Adam he should be a rock star. Kara wants to know, yet again, how Adam hits those high notes. I think he may be grabbing or pinching something you don't have, sweetheart. She found it "amazing" and expects to see him at the final. Paula says that Adam sets the bar so high in the sky (because that's where unicorns and angels fly), she hopes that he collected frequent flyer miles. Simon says he is not going to suck up the way RaKaPa did but says it's very easy to assume he will sail through. He basically tells the viewing audience to vote for Adam F. Lambert because he deserves it based on talent.

Seacrest skips over and asks Adam how he thought he did. Seacrest, please. That's like asking God what he thought about what he did on the sixth day. Adam says that Douchey Geekey and Care Bear did really well and it's just an honor to be in their company. Awwwwwww.

To sum it up: Douchey served up a slice of pithy pizza with extra cheese. Care Bear refused to let the Idol bus run him over and gave a big F.U. to the judges with "Heartless". Adam failed to shine his usual brilliance but still outdazzles Douchey even on his worst day. And the producers suck ass because they STILL can't manage to get this show in on time!

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