May 6, 2009

American Idol Top 4: Adam is a Rock God, Breakfast Club channels Joplin, Care Bear Comes Together and Gokey Sings Aerosmith as Well as My Cat*

* Actually, my cat may do the chorus better.

So last night's theme was Rock Night and Idol went all out to get Very Special Guest Mentor Slash, who is scary as fuck looking but completely bad ass on the guitar. Don't believe me? Just trying beating him on Guitar Hero. We are shown a brief montage of Slash's rock and roll history (Guns 'N Roses, Velvet Revolver) and informed that Slash is currently recording his first solo album. He will be meeting the Idolizers at the Roxy on Sunset, in keeping with the rock theme. Speaking of Guns 'N Roses, briefly, their first album "Appetite for Destruction" is probably one of the best albums ever recorded. And their first! Must have been mindblowing to have your very first album produce so many classic songs - - although I imagine the pressure with their follow ups was immense. And everything thereafter was compared to the first one. Exactly what happened with Peter Frampton (a fave of mine) - - "Frampton Comes Alive" could never be topped and while it's a classic, it may very well have stunted Frampton's career. The camera pans to Slash in the audience, who is looking very Paul Stanley-ish, minus the makeup and plus a perm.

We are treated to a reminder of last week's shenanigans, where we were supposed to believe that Matty G., Care Bear (formerly known as Tender Dawg) and Adam Fucking Lambert were in the Bottom Three while Douchey Geekey smirked and smugged from the Seats of Safety. Still not buying it.

Seacrest skips down the intergalactic staircase in a banker's suit of boring gray - - however, lovely coordinated to Simon's dull gray undershirt. He tells us that it was an "unconventional" day on the Idol set because there was an accident. Oh no, Ryan, did hairdressing run out of highlights or mousse? Apparently one of the "American Idol" towers that flock either side of the intergalactic stage took a tumble, unfortunately not landing on Douchey at the time and sparing us all of his performance tonight.

However, Rock Night will be full of firsts - - the Idolizers are going to pair up and perform rock duets! There will be six jammin' tunes performed in all tonight. Fasten your seatbelts, all, because this is going to be "rock"y. (I know, totally cheesy).

Let's check in briefly with the judges, at their places of righteousness, shall we? Randy, or "The Staple" as Seacrest intros him, woots himself yet again. Poor Randy. It must be difficult being the president of your own fan club. Just ask Douchey. Randy and his t-shirt have inexplicably been molested by a Bedazzler. Perhaps Paula is sharing her fashion secrets with Mr. Jackson? Kara is rocking (cheesy) the dominatrix/biker look with severely pulled back hair and leather-ish attire. According to Seacrest, it's been a "big week for Paula". Must have been because she is surprisingly dressed down and lucid - -although her breasts have shown up and they are ready to play. As mentioned above, Simon is attired is his usual Hanes t-shirt, this time in a depressing shade of gray. He does, however, wink at Seacrest. Boys, boys, save it for after the show.

And we're off!

Adam Fucking Lambert gets the Craptastic First Slot in Hell. He looks like a hunk-a hunk-a burnin' love in black leather. Thank you, Santa. He is going to be performing "Whole Lotta Love" by Led Zeppelin. Slash tells us that Adam has pipes and so much range and it comes to him easily, very effortlessly. Adam for the win! Slash tells him not to improvise so much in the high register because his lower register kicks ass. Adam tells us that Slash is a rock god and this week is his favorite of all the theme weeks. He wants to kill it.

Holy crap, he does. He's like a growling, sexed up tiger who wants a whole lotta love, wants to give you every inch of his love. Good Lord. Adam may not eyefuck but subtlety is not a personal virtue. He practically humps the mic at the end. The tweens in the audience go crazy, probably because their hormones have woken up and responded to the glory that is Adam Fucking Lambert.

Randy says this is the Adam he loves and no one will think of Broadway after this. Adam is a rock star tonight! He hopes Adam considers he is a rock star waiting to happen when he makes a record. He also suggests that he and Slash should make a hot record. Has Randy spoken this much all season? Certainly not this much sense.

Kara says Adam is more than a rock star, he's a ROCK. GOD. He can make classic rock from the 70s, glam rock from the 80s and something like Nine Inch Nails from the 90s. She thinks he will kill it. And she says "yes! yes! yes!" like a thousand times, even continuing once Paula tries to speak. I do believe Kara has been struck by the Adam Fucking Lambert hit and run train.

Paula noted the band sounded awesome (yes, they did) and asked herself "how do you improve 'Whole Lotta Love'? I say you're a whole lotta perfect!"

Simon has one criticism - - the performance was understated. That Sassy Pants! Such a joker. He said it was one of his favorite performances of Adam's, bar none and the bad news is that nobody can top that.

Seacrest dances out to state that no one has ever done Zeppelin on the show before, while Adam smiles beatifically and spreads his magic. He then does the rocker horns . . . with tongue!

Okay, this night has officially become perfect.

Breakfast Club is next up and she has Joan Jett-ed herself out in leather . . .and longer extensions. She sits on the Stools of Confession with Seacrest and shares a story about going to the Magical Forest with Adam and to his magical hairdresser and both of them getting their hair done. Adam would be the best girlfriend ever. Breakfast Club tells us that she had chosen two songs - - "Cry Baby" by Janis Joplin or "Somebody to Love" by Jefferson Airplane. Slash tells her she is predisposed to do Joplin, which is the tune she ultimately went with. He also says she has the natural mannerisms and swagger of a rock star and "if she pulls it off, it will be great". He also says she needs to get past her fear. Should we be nervous for Breakfast Club? This should be her week, by all accounts.

I think parts of the song sound fabulous - - especially the softer parts before the chorus. The chorus itself sounds a wee bit shouty. Overall, I like it although I do think her performance last week, as a whole, was better.

Randy says yo! Check it out! He thinks Breakfast Club can sing her face off but he didn't love this. The audience boos and he informs them he's "just trying to keep it real".

Kara thinks Joplin was the right vehicle for Breakfast Club but wasn't sure about that particular song. She thinks "Piece of My Heart" would have been a better choice. Probably. I also think Breakfast Club would have sounded awesome doing Joan Jett's version of "Crimson and Clover". She asks Breakfast Club if she's nervous and B.C. says she's always nervous. Kara thinks Breakfast Club "tranforms" on stage. Into what, I have no idea.

Paula thinks Breakfast Club is downright fearless. If there was a biopic on Joplin, Breakfast Club would be perfect for the part.

Simon states the difference in Breakfast Club over the last 8 weeks is literally staggering. And Breakfast Club is ONLY! SEVENTEEN! (TM Winger). Simon thought it was a terrific vocal and lots of confidence but the performance lacked originality, sounded exactly like Joplin (not exactly a terrible thing). He says he would have chosen the Queen song - - oh yeah, Queen did a song called "Somebody to Love" as well. Forgot about that. Mainly because I do like old school Jefferson Airplane. Breakfast Club informs Simon the song wasn't by Queen, which leads into Breakfast Club talking and talking and talking some more. Seacrest tells us that Breakfast Club's feistyness is coming out - - jealous much, Ryan? He then tells Simon to put the lighter away which must be an inside joke because it totally falls flat.

Idol then interrupts the competition for the first of the two duets. There will be no voting, although the judges will be able to comment. Yeah, makes no sense to me either. Care Bear and Douchey are performing "Renegade" by Styx. Care Bear is wearing leather and Douchey is wearing a big red flat of douchiness shirt and holy hell, it's pretty bad. Both sound like they are gasping in the beginning. What is that all about? Can someone please strangle Douchey with that big clunky chain he has around his neck? Neither one sounds particularly good. Why did they choose this song? The band sounds great and Douchey gets his big glory note in at the end. I was hoping Care Bear would clock him but no such luck because Care Bear is so darn nice.

Randy liked the harmonies together and thought Care Bear and Douchey complimented one another. He thought they sounded okay individually but the harmonies were a blast. What? Did someone Bedazzle Randy's brain?

Kara's first thought was "Renegade" does not compute because Care Bear and Douchey are the type of guys that help little old women cross the street (or stoned ones, like Paula?) Kara said some parts were better than others and some parts were pitchy (like the whole thing?) but together "united and strong".

Paula said their performance was powerful and compelling. That's it. Who the hell gave Paula water tonight? One word critiques? Boring! We want our slurring, overemotional, unicorn-riding Paula back!

Simon laughs at having to judge this and says that of the two, Douchey was better (whatever!) Douchey pretends to look glum, but is secretly squeeing inside, while Care Bear looks defeated. Hang in there, Care Bear!

Seacrest asks the two what the dynamic was together and the two state it was hard to find a song that worked together but "Renegade" seemed to work. I'm sure Douchey came up with that. Care Bear is so nice, Douchey probably railroaded him. "Yeah, dude, let's do Styx. I can top Tommy Shaw!" Stupid Douchey. You can't touch Styx!

Care Bear is next because, OF COURSE, Douchey will get the Pimp Slot. Can Idol be any more obvious? Care Bear is on the Confessional Stools with Seacrest and Seacrest aptly calls him the "Pride of Conway, Arkansas". Seacrest sure is about the nicknames tonight, isn't he? Care Bear is just so darn cute I can barely stand it. He is going the Beatles route - - he was either going to sing "Revolution" or "Come Together" and decided on the latter because it had a cool vibe to it. Cut to Care Bear's mentoring session with Slash, where he borrows Slash's guitar to jam out with the band and Care Bear says it was so "amazing" to see Slash playing next to him, he "almost wanted to pee in my pants". So darn cute. Slash told Care Bear he should definitely play the guitar during his performance but of course it was hard to move around with the guitar so he was going to have to make his performance more animated.

Care Bear performs and Paula dances at her table. Care Bear sounds good and solid, but he's not incredible, sadly. Simon was right, it is definitely hard to top the brilliance of Adam Fucking Lambert. Care Bear isn't gaspy, thank goodness, and he does seem to connect with the song, which is always good with these crazy judges. For the first time, I'm feeling the sex-ay from Care Bear, more so than the cute.

Randy reminds Care Bear that he's not a rock guy. True, I guess. He might be more like Lenny Kravitz in that department. To continue, Randy did like that Care Bear stayed true to himself with his performance and he liked the vocals, although he wasn't blown away as a whole. He did love Care Bear's guitar playing though. All in all, he did enjoy it. I do think this is the most sense Randy has made during one show all season.

Kara agreed that Care Bear was made more for the softer side of rock (Soft Rock Care Bear) but she didn't think it was a great performance. She thought he was trying too hard, he didn't choose the best song and thinks Care Bear can do more than he delivered.

Paula told Care Bear it was risky to do a Beatles song but "your artistic delivery is what makes it . . . (drunken? maybe? pause) . . .your signature is all over it." Which is a drunken, roundabout way of saying what Bedazzled Randy did. Paula thinks Care Bear's imprint is truly compelling, but he needs a little more energy during his performance. Easy problem to solve, Care Bear. Just take a swig out of Paula's cup. Paula did add that she believes Care Bear is deserving to be on the Idol stage. Depending on who is up there with him, that may or may not be a compliment.

Simon said he didn't like it that much and equated it to eating ice for lunch - - it will do but it's not satisfying and you forget about it. Poor Care Bear. Last week he's a spaniel, this week he's ice.

As mentioned, Douchey gets the Pimptastic placement and he horrifies us by telling us that he will be performing Aerosmith's "Dream On". I flove Aerosmith and I'm torn between wanting the song not to be butchered and wanting Douchey to annihilate it so badly, this truly will be the perfect evening.

Slash informs us that Douchey picked a tough song (no shit!) and the main thing is the scream at the end, since that is what everyone waits for. He does show a little confusion with stating that Douchey is naturally gifted (a naturally gifted tool?). Oh no, he meant vocal-wise. Douchey tells us that with this song he can go for bigger things than he ever has before. Slash brings us, at least, back down to reality by saying this song could go either way.

So Douchey takes the stage and he's changed out of his red flag of douchery shirt into a long sleeved eggplant colored shirt with a pinstriped vest. What this has to do with rock week and/or Aerosmith is simply too deep for me because I can't figure it. How do I comment on his performance? It's basically Douchey Geekey being Douchey Geekey doing Aerosmith. In other words, TOTAL SUCK. If you're waiting for a laughably bad performance, here it is. Douchey is shouty. Douchey is pitchy. Douchey is like the office co-worker who has a beer too many at the Mexican restaurant after work and thinks he can karaoke Aerosmith like Steven Tyler but sounding nothing like Steven Tyler. Imagine, if you will, David Archuletta performing this song, but with 50% less talent. There is the general idea. I hope that Steven Tyler is pulling on his leggings and his feathers and dusters and getting in his car and driving to the Idol studios now to kick the shit out of Douchey for humiliating his song so badly. Good Lord, this is a rock anthem, it's freaking iconic, to quote the judges. Is Douchey that full of himself that he thinks he can sing it? Hot Michael got booted last season for singing this a thousand times better. Here's hoping . . . So Douchey is still singing . . . the band is utterly awesome though . . . maybe tomorrow night the good Lord will take Douchey Geekey the fuck away . . . from my t.v. set. What the Steven Tyler hell is the "doo, doo, doo" he's doing? I think my brain hurts. Oh no. The worst was yet to come. That ungodly scream. Holy hell. Adam Fucking Lambert could have Adam Fucking Lambert-ized it but not Douchey Geekey. My dog actually growled. I kid not. My cat turned his head up, the way animals do when they're not sure what they're hearing, then he gave me a total "eat shit" look. I know what he's thinking. "What the fuck was that? Why did he do that to Aerosmith? I can totally outsing this ass clown while hacking up a hairball."

Thank God and Adam Lambert and the unicorns in the Happy Place that the song is over. Paula must have gotten a little kicker during one of the commercial breaks because she's dancing around like crazy and the audience is obviously insane because they are clapping and screaming and Simon looks like he's puking in his hand. I know I want to. Pan to the audience where a group helpfully marked as "Douchey's Family & Friends" looks shellshocked and like they are suffering from PTSD. Douchey, naturally, claps for himself and says "thank you!" about a million times. God, I want to punch him in the face.

Randy states the obvious - - not that it sounded like a pinstripe vest-wearing monkey on a bad acid trip - - but that rock is not Douchey's genre. Are we sure singing is Douchey's genre? Randy thought it was all right (not aiiiiiight) but he's going to give Douchey an A+ for the valiant effort to hit the high note at the end. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Since when, by the Top 4, do they get an A for effort? This is bullshit. I'm calling bullshit.

Kara thought Douchey took some swagger and added more edge to his performance . . . where? By wearing a vest? She thought he took his performance a little too far. A little? She thought he should have chosen more early Aerosmith - - which proves Kara is an idiot because "Dream On" is early Aerosmith. Unless Douchey wanted to do "Crazy" or "Angel", which seems more fitting to his own personal theme nights of singing to his dead wife, he should have stayed away from Aerosmith altogether. Kara said the performance wasn't perfect but she commends him for taking chances. Again, WHAT.THE.FUCK. Care Bear took a chance and they took turns driving the bus that he got thrown under.

Paula said this was a tricky genre for Douchey. She doesn't know if it was the right song - - trust me, Paula, if you weren't in a pill popping stupor, you would know exactly that this wasn't the right song. She qualified everything by reminding Douchey and the audience that she's a huge fan of his and then asked the audience who there was a big fan of Douchey's? Again, who else gets this type of treatment. Douchey basically took a vocal shit on the stage and they still have to commend him for anything they can - - in this case, at least attempting the note and being ballsy or stupid enough to choose this song. Paula drives my point home by telling Douchey she gives him an A++ for "going for it".

Simon agrees with RaKaPa but thought Douchey's last note was like watching a horror movie, a scene from Friday the 13th. He tells Douchey it worked with Adam Fucking Lambert but since Douchey is no Adam Fucking Lambert, it didn't work for him. Pan to a sign in the audience that says "Simon Cowell is the King of Common Sense" which Simon heartily agrees with. With this panel, I must generally agree. Anyhow, Simon still believes that Douchey will be safe. I hope this backfires, since it did with Matty G. last week.

So Seacrest be-bops out and asks Douchey what he thought of his own performance. Oh God. Douchey thought he sounded good and said he chose this song because he didn't want to do a song in his safety zone. Okay, whatever. I think we should have been provided with an audio warning before Douchey took the stage. Seacrest reminds us that Douchey is the only contestant left who has not been in the Bottom Three. Well, that says a lot about America's bad taste.

Back to Duet Central and Adam Fucking Lambert and Breakfast Club are doing a rendition of Foghat's "Slow Ride". Holy crap, I love this song!! The band, again, is bad ass. Adam has changed into a pair of 1960s-inspired striped pants and boots and he sounds freaking awesome. Breakfast Club changed into either an oversized shirt or a very short dress, over her leathery pants/leggings. They do sound good together although Adam is so very brilliant it's really unfair to Breakfast Club. They obviously are having a good time together and are enjoying their performance, unlike Care Bear and Douchey, who just seemed to have the bad luck to both be on the stage at the same time, singing the same song but not together.

Randy says yo, yo, yo, you guys are our 2 seasoned rock stars in the house! (which makes it seem a bit unfair that Idol grouped the two rockers together for a duet instead of mixing it up). He thought their performance was DA BOMB!

Kara dubbed them the rock god and rock goddess and proclaimed that was what a duet should be.

Paula thought the two of them were a perfect vocal blend, a perfect marriage . . . unlike herself and Simon. Which makes little sense. She thinks they should do a duet on a future album.

Simon . . I don't know what he said because once again, the Idol producers can't bring this mess in on time! But we can let Douchey explain his crap song. Whatever.

Best performance by a mile: Duh. Adam Fucking Lambert. Even the Kiss of Death Craptastic First Slot won't hurt him.

Best song choice: Once again, Adam Fucking Lambert.

Worst song choice: Douchey Geekey. What made him think he could pull off "Dream On" makes me think he needs a psychiatrist.

Worst performance: Douchey Geekey. For every possible reason.

Who Should Go: Douchey.

Who Will Go: Probably Care Bear or Breakfast Club. Both were sandwiched in the middle and neither gave a standout performance. Either of them going will set us up for a Good/Evil showdown in the Final Two.
Sparky: My cat that can outsing Douchey


Anonymous said...

I love your recaps so much XD And yes, god, Danny was so horrible it hurt. I did notice Paula was surprising sober this episode, and found it was because she FINALLY ADMITTED to being addicted to pain killers and apparently cut back.

Also, at the end Simon wisely stated that "Adam Fucking Lambert" May have given Allison a chance to stick around in the show with that duet. Which I love.

But god....that screech. It pains me that it has to share the same word with what Adam's falsettos are so often called. If Danny isn't gone, some part of my soul will die inside.

Anonymous said...

I second - your recaps are one of the best I have ever read. they are so hilariously funny and honest and oh did I mention funny that I have t quote Care Bear - I almost piss in my pants reading them. I adore your sarcasm and ever since I've hit this page I've been reaing your other stuff as well:)) oh, and long live the unicorns:)