May 18, 2009

Is the Greatest Fauxmance of the Century Coming to an End?

The Queens of Tabloid Fuckery

If you believe Blind Gossip, Armageddon Cruise-style is coming soon to a tabloid near you!

The word on the street is that Katie has gotten herself a lawyer and served The Tiny One with dissolution of contract papers, to be followed by dissolution of marriage. She is supposedly asking for custody of Suri and The Tiny One is allegedly quivering in his four-inch-heeled tennies over the dirt she could reveal on him. Interesting indeed.

Let's start with the obvious. This assumes that Katie has a spine. Questionable prospect in itself. Katie appeared to have checked her spine at the door when she signed on the dotted line. Has the chick even said more than three sentences on her own since "hooking up with" and sham-marrying Tom? Everything has either been a press release or sounded so robotic I can actually picture Katie repeating the lines in the mirror at home, with Tom standing behind her and smacking her on the head (from his stepladder) with a pencil every time she blunders.

Second, I have no doubt that Katie has dirt on Tom. You couldn't possibly associate with all that craziness and fuckery for 4 years and not have quite a few stories to spill. The real debate is whether or not Katie would spill them. Besides being afraid of the Scieno-mafia coming after you, I would think that (for example) revealing that your relationship was a sham from the get-go and The Tiny One was and is allegedly carrying on relationships with other males might not show Katie in the best light. After all, if she willingly entered into a contractual relationship, it hardly makes her into a scorned spouse, does it?

The issue of Suri throws the whole thing into a PR stratosphere we have yet to see. Katie supposedly wants custody, which makes sense as I believe Katie is Suri's only biological relative represented in the Blind Gossip item. Based on how often Isabella and Connor Cruise see their mother, Nicole Kidman, I think it would be a safe bet to assume that Tom likes having primary custody and likes being in control. As often as he (and Katie) have used Suri for publicity in the last two years alone, there is no way in Xenu's universe that he is going to hand over the keys to the candy shop so easily. Further, if it is revealed that Katie willingly and knowingly entered into a contractual relationship with Tom, what does that say about Suri exactly? That Katie knowingly and willingly agreed to bear a child for a man she had no intention of staying with for the long term? Or that she had a child fathered by someone else that she knew was not Tom's (allegedly) and would hand over to the Church of Scientology when the contract was up?

I think we all know Tom and Katie are not in it for the long haul. I also think we all know that Tom has been the worst thing professionally for Katie, and Tom has been the worst thing professionally for Tom. I also don't think Katie has really done any favors for Tom. Suri has been the only positive thing, PR-wise, for either party and it appears that the general public is starting to get tired of seeing Suri day after day, clearly not enjoying the media attention while her ass clown parental units mug for the cameras.

Do I think Katie has grown a spine and officially served Tom? No. I think she intends to fulfill her contract and collect as much money as she can. And despite her craptastic shit-on-a-stick appearance, I think she enjoys whatever perks are left being Mrs. Tom Cruise. After all, would Katie Holmes of "Dawson's Creek" fame have been invited to the White House correspondents' dinner or to speak in Washington, D.C. Memorial Day concert?

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