May 29, 2009

Step Away from the 80s!

What the hell is in the drinking water in Hollywood? First, they are going to commit a filmatic drive-by against Kevin Bacon, always the stone-cold fox Ren McCormick, by remaking Footloose. The horror of it leaves me almost speechless. Almost, but not quite, because I always have a comment about pretty much everything.

You cannot touch Footloose. Footloose is one of those cinematic gems that were almost exclusive to the 80s - - films that were about a whole lot of nothing but were still incredibly good and oftentimes with a "totally rad" soundtrack. (Not to be confused with films like Xanadu, which were so incredibly bad, they were good in a way that developed cult followings, or films like Grease 2, which were so bad they were just flat out bad and everyone associated with them should be subjected to 24/7 showings of Vanilla Sky for the rest of their lives).

Why anyone would choose to remake the film that introduced us to playing chicken on tractors and Chris Penn's white boy dance moves is beyond me. A bit of an aside, but unlike his dickhead brother would be, Chris Penn is actually missed. Anyway . . . hasn't Footloose for the 21st century pretty much already been remade as like High School Musical or something?

Chace Crawford has been cast as the male lead (who the hell is Chace Crawford?), after Zac Efron decided he didn't want to do another musical after that High School Musical crap. Oh shit, is the remake going to be all bursting into song and dance? Shoot me now.

As if that isn't enough to pee in your cornflakes, the big geniuses that run the studios think that remaking Girls Just Want to Have Fun is a briiiiiiiiilllllllliant idea! Yeah, I know. Gag me with a spoon, burn my eyes out with a crimper, strangle me with a bangle.

In case you haven't seen it, Girls is a 1985 movie starring Sarah Jessica Parker pre-Sex and the City as Janey, a teen who just wants to dance, wants to dance with 80s sexy beast Lee Montgomery and dance with Lee Montgomery on the t.v. show Dance T.V. Yes, it's that insanely awesome. Helen Hunt is her crazy friend Lynne who has a fondness for big, Aqua-Net'ted hair and velcro'd clothing. Shannen Doherty, pre-Brenda Walsh, even has a bit part as Lee Montgomery's younger sister, who thinks Janey and her friends are totally bitchin'.

There is absolutely no need to touch either of these masterpieces from the 80s. They are sacred. They are a constant reminder of the glory that was the 80s, my high school years. Their brilliant memories cannot be allowed to be tarnished by remaking them.

I will absolutely refuse to see either of them. Unless, of course, they can bring John Lithgow and Dianne Weist back for Footloose. Then I may have to watch. On cable. For free.

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