June 5, 2009

Get Her Number, Tom!

Source: huffingtonpost.com and CDAN

Janine Sugawara is the perfect woman for Tom Cruise. Why, you ask? Because Janine is suing Cap'n Crunch in Federal Court for fraud because he lied to her for years about Crunchberries not being a real berry. No, really. I couldn't make up stuff this good.

Apparently Janine ate Crunchberry cereal daily for four years and actually believed that she was eating a healthy, nutritious breakfast with the exotic fruit known as a crunchberry. I suppose the "sweetened corn and oat cereal" label on the box, along with "limited edition - candies-n-more" escaped Janine's eagle eye.

Because of this, Janine is the perfect woman for Tom! She didn't realize Crunchberries weren't real fruits so she obviously won't realize that Tom Cruise IS. She is not the most astute noter of detail so she probably won't notice when her pretty princess dresses are missing, or question why her red stilettos are in Tom's closet.

Forget Katie, Tom. That's not working out. Katie is too sharp (and too shitty of an actress) to make this whole "I love females" thing work for you. She would never fall for Crunchberries being real - - after all, she doesn't appear to eat.

And if you're interested, the judge in brilliant Janine's case dismissed her suit, basically saying that any person with an ounce of common sense would realize that Crunchberries are not real fruit and Cap'n Crunch is fairly obvious in that its main ingredient is sugar. I'm sure Janine's attorneys are seeking out their next mentally challenged plaintiff - - they lost a previous case representing a plaintiff who believed in the real fruit of Froot Loops.

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