June 18, 2009

Prepare for the Audio and Visual Assault

Not Bigfoot, it's Katie Holmes at "dance rehearsals"

In preparation for the next phase of her career (hey, the ubiquitous source's words, not mine), Katie Holmes will be guesting on So You Think You Can Dance.

Wait, it gets better. Not only will the uber-talented and much in demand Ms. Holmes forsake all the other scripts and offers pouring in her office by the hour (as "sources" would like us to think) in order to "return to t.v.!" but she will be performing Judy Garland's infamous "Get Happy" routine.

First, "source" = Tom Cruise. Second, I think Judy Garland suffered enough in life and I think Liza Minnelli has suffered enough. Does she need to be subjected to the memory of her mother being disgraced by a bulimic, ill-dressed and poorly shamarried wanna-be "starlet" whose last flirtation with a song and dance routine got Eli Stone cancelled? Didn't think so.

I don't watch SYTYCD. However, I have no doubt that the average beach performer (you know, the dudes at places like the Promenade in Santa Monica who sing and dance for your spare change) would put Katie Holmes to shame. Forget the whole lacking talent thing. Homegirl has as much sex appeal as a Chia pet. Correct that. She actually has less. I find the Chia pet more stimulating than Mrs. Tom Cruise. And ten bucks says so does Tom.

AnytheCruisemarriageisatotalshamway, there is no airdate yet for this blatant stunt casting but get your DVRs at the ready, purchase some ear plugs and whip up those Niacin smoothies!

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