For all of us who are looking forward to the annual display of delusions, broken dreams and fuckery better known as the American Idol auditions, the brilliant and witty vodka-filled observations by Paula Abdul may be absent come August 6, when the callbacks begin.
Paula's manager has told The Los Angeles Times that "Very sadly, it does not appear that she's going to be back on Idol. I find it under these circumstances particularly unusual; I think unnecessarily hurtful. I find it kind of unconscionable and certainly rude and disrespectful that they haven’t stepped up and said what they want to do. She’s not a happy camper as a result of what’s going on. She’s hurt. She’s angry. I think at this point we’re going to be considering everything, including some kind of a competition show. She has tremendous ideas for a whole variety of shows."
The thought of American Idol without the guiding hand of judgery issued by Paula is hurtful, rude and disrespectful. How are we supposed to get through one episode, much less an entire season, without Paula's boozy declarations of love and talk of magic rainbows and fairy dust? They are downright iconic.
I would say that if Paula doesn't return, I won't watch Idol any longer but that's a big fat lie. I'm Idol's bitch and will totally watch. However, how boring will the judgery be? How boring will my reviews be? Sassy Pants will still be Sassy Pants, Randy will still be an idiot, Kara will still be borderline irrelevant - - it's Paula and her crazy that make the show.
Come on, American Idol. Pay up and keep Paula on the payroll. Otherwise, we'll send Douchey Geekey and his heart shaped fingers to haunt your days and nights.